My depression is ruining my relationship and my life, how do I convince her to stay?

[Nareik]

Hi this is my first time posting on here.

About 2 months ago I started going out with a girl I had been good friends with for just under a year prior, but over the past week she has been asking for space and has been saying I have been suffocating her even over text. I noticed this myself once the issue had been pointed out and decided to give her some space until the end of the week and try getting in touch again, but midway through the week she texted me but her replies when I carried on the conversation were very short and cold. We both have a history of mental illness mainly depression how ever her issues are long resolved and mine are still prominent. After giving her some time I spoke again at the end of the week and everything was going great, we were talking again properly and we were catching up... I was so relieved. Just for some context I love her very much and she was the first to say it in the relationship and knew about my problems and told me I can tell her anything and that it wasn't going to scare her away.

 

So during this great convo she asked me how my week had been to which I replied hectic and told her the goings on and how some of my family members have found out about my self harm. She asked how and seemed concerned for me, I said I didn't think it was a great time to discuss it but she insisted so I told her the full story. She then told me we shouldn't be together because we both have very unstable backgrounds and she doesn't want her problems to come back again, which is understandable of course but I'm due to receive treatment in a matter of days which would fix all of our issues together because my anxiety and low self esteem is the main cause of my needy/suffocating behaviour. I ended our conversation saying that it isn't over and that I'm going to be fine very soon and she needn't do this, to be honest it's crushing me and I feel miserable thinking of having to go through a break up after how well it was going until a couple of weeks ago when my depression took a bad turn. How can I convince her/show her that we will be alright after this? I am so close to being okay and I don't want to lose the only girl in a long time that I find my self attracted to in every way and head over heels for. Is this fixable?

[d0nnivain]

I too have depression & anxiety. There is no quick fix for either so I don't understand what you are talking about when you say "I'm going to be fine very soon." Depression & anxiety stay with you for a lifetime. All you do is manage the illness but it's always there right below the surface.

 

I also think she's scared. She knows that when she is depressed, she needs somebody to support her & because you share the same conditions, she fears you won't be strong enough to help her when she needs it most because you are rarely strong enough to support yourself. Similarly, she also knows that her issues make her unable to support you in your times of need because she is often too weak to support herself. She has way more insight then you do.

 

I think you should both discuss the wisdom of staying together with your respective therapists.

[preraph]

You will be a liability to her because you reinforce her problems and are not a good role model for her to be around. It's just not healthy and you'd only have a codependent and possibly downward spiraling situation. If you care about her, let her go, and you need to concentrate on pursuing any and all treatment and try to get yourself better. Another person in your life cannot cure you.

[OneLov]

I didn't think it was a great time to discuss it but she insisted so I told her the full story. She then told me we shouldn't be together because we both have very unstable backgrounds and she doesn't want her problems to come back again .... How can I convince her/show her that we will be alright after this? .... Is this fixable?

 

Not sure what you told her, but I could speculate it was something that raised serious doubts about your mental and emotional stability. The only way to fix this is by demonstrating you have changed; her confidence will come in time. Saying to her that a little bit of therapy and/or some meds is the solution to everything is equally crazy. Do you really believe this? You really need to hit the brakes on this one.