Buddhist Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 I've never received much attention from men in my life and I've aways had to make the first move. I thought this was because I just don't rate very high on the attractiveness scale and was one of those women who really have to work at getting some interest. There have been two men in recent months who showed obvious interest on one occasion and then just avoid me ever afterwards. I had no idea what that was all about. I was polite to them, smiled at them but not flirty. I just can't understand why they now act weird around me. And by weird I mean avoiding eye contact, leave the room, don't say Hi to me when we pass at work, just avert their eyes and keep moving etc. Even though their normal habit is to greet coworkers and be open and friendly. WTF is this about?
basil67 Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 Someone is flirty with you and you give them only politeness. Of course they will be awkward around you in future. 1
Haydn Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 Obviously you were not interested in them? Maybe they just feel a bit awkward as mentioned by Basil. Maybe they are just a bit childish though. Depends how you take rejection i guess. When i have flirted with someone, it`s obvious from the start if they are interested. If not then i have no bruised ego.
katiegrl Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 (edited) Someone is flirty with you and you give them only politeness. Of course they will be awkward around you in future. But why should they feel awkward? To the point of completely ignoring, no longer saying hi, acknowledging her presence, walking out of the room? Isn't that a little (a lot) extreme? This is precisely what Buddhist was asking...why be *that* sensitive about it? I mean really? Hell, these guys never even asked her out. Simply were flirty and showed some interest. Buddhist didn't feel the same and didn't want to encourage them, so although polite, didn't flirt back. So what? Again, they never even asked her out, so it wasn't even a rejection. Just them being over-sensitive to something that should have registered as a mere blip. Get over it, sheesh. Edited March 12, 2016 by katiegrl 2
elaine567 Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 I think Buddhist should perhaps look at her own behaviour here. Are they being "awkward" because they are mirroring her? I have experienced something similar with a co worker and when I looked at MY actions and changed MY behaviour, they returned to normal. I was the one who was "too busy", who ignored them and kept walking - not deliberately, I was just preoccupied, but when I realised how I was coming across and changed it, then they became friendly again. 4
Emilia Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 I've picked this up from men and found it to be a very useful trait. If I talk to a guy I like and I realise it's not mutual, I completely ignore him after, stop being mates, etc. Nothing personal just don't want the distraction and I don't want a new guy think I'm connected to someone else. I've learned this relatively recently and I've been sticking to it. No messing about, no crushes just a clean slate 3
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 The guys that don't have a reference probably receive it the hardest
GoodOnPaper Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 Did you actually say "no" to these men - to being asked out or asked for your phone number, etc.? If not, I am surprised they got that bent out of shape. If you did say "no", well then yes, some men can be very sensitive to rejection. I certainly was. For me, the earlier the rejection, the more embarrassed I was - which I know is the opposite of what it's supposed to be. Like you, I struggle to attract interest, so it took a lot of mental buildup to navigate those first approaches.
Author Buddhist Posted March 12, 2016 Author Posted March 12, 2016 Didn't say no, was never asked out. What is was, was a lot of glassy eye's and being super interested in what I've got to say. Eye contact was locked for the entire conversation, constant smiles etc. That hyper state when someone is sounding you out. The reason for the question is as Emilia pointed out, maybe I do something that crushes interest instantly and I'm not aware of it. Maybe there have been guys interested in the past and I've done that thing I do and they think I'm a bitch or something. It's only just dawned on me with the reactions of these two, because actually I was interested in getting to know both of them better (not romantically) but as coworkers and it struck me as odd that they avoid me now.
bromantic Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 I just had to complete my yearly "harassment training" that all employees have to take at my job. If these are coworkers, it maybe just that they showed interest, you did not reciprocate in a manner that they understood and now they are simply slamming on the brakes to avoid appearing as if they are "harassing" you.
Chris2016 Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 (edited) For me, I have a crush on a coworker. I show interest, and it's not reciprocated. I got to stop showing interest, and not get myself in trouble at work. Not continue feeding her ego, as some advised. Sure, if I didn't have a crush, I can be myself which I do with other female coworkers. In one example, I stop and talk to her and someone else in the hallway. She cuts it short and walks away then comes back, or doesnt come back. Next time, I won't stop to talk, I'll just contine moving. Or, if she comes over while I'm chatting with someone, I'll cut it short and walk away. If she ignores me in the hallway or gives me brief acknowledgement. Next time I will reciprocate the same. Not being sensitive, just trying to move on, and not get myself in trouble. It goes same with co-workers that I don't have a crush on.. You repeatedly ignore me, I reciprocate the same. You repeatedly acknowledge me, I reciprocate the same. I save my Hi's and chat with people who I know will reciprocate, and not ignore or be standoffish to me. Edited March 12, 2016 by Chris2016
Chris2016 Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 I think Buddhist should perhaps look at her own behaviour here. Are they being "awkward" because they are mirroring her? I have experienced something similar with a co worker and when I looked at MY actions and changed MY behaviour, they returned to normal. I was the one who was "too busy", who ignored them and kept walking - not deliberately, I was just preoccupied, but when I realised how I was coming across and changed it, then they became friendly again. This ^^^^^^
deckard11 Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 So I will just answer the question that is the title of this thread. I am beyond sensitive to rejection. I have been rejected by women my whole life. Personally, I try to make them feel bad about themselves. A lifetime of rejection has made me what I am. So spare me with the typical responses.
Author Buddhist Posted March 13, 2016 Author Posted March 13, 2016 For me, I have a crush on a coworker. I show interest, and it's not reciprocated. I got to stop showing interest, and not get myself in trouble at work. Not continue feeding her ego, as some advised. Sure, if I didn't have a crush, I can be myself which I do with other female coworkers. In one example, I stop and talk to her and someone else in the hallway. She cuts it short and walks away then comes back, or doesnt come back. Next time, I won't stop to talk, I'll just contine moving. Or, if she comes over while I'm chatting with someone, I'll cut it short and walk away. If she ignores me in the hallway or gives me brief acknowledgement. Next time I will reciprocate the same. Not being sensitive, just trying to move on, and not get myself in trouble. It goes same with co-workers that I don't have a crush on.. You repeatedly ignore me, I reciprocate the same. You repeatedly acknowledge me, I reciprocate the same. I save my Hi's and chat with people who I know will reciprocate, and not ignore or be standoffish to me. Okay, well that seems to be it then. And yes, the old harassment thing looms large in many workplaces these days.
Jersey born raised Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 Few men completely get over the high school phase of being scared to death to ask a girl to dance. It seems to come down to finding an ice breaker and a fear the girl will just see you as a horn dog. You might do what I do with great success for first dates. Around me there are several places that offer a great Sunday Brunch starting at 10 and ending around 3. I ask if they could meet me there for a long brunch. Since they are meeting me there it makes clear this is inna sense a super coffee date. In your case you might mention you would like to go to a brunch, give a price so he knows it is Dutch and ask him if he would like to meet you there. Sometimes a women needs to make the first move, a brunch sets clear blunders that both of you can relax him. If it goes well and he says he would like to do it again sometimes, answer would like that so the answer is yes but next time you need to ask. Would you be comfortable doing that?
Jabron1 Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 So I will just answer the question that is the title of this thread. I am beyond sensitive to rejection. I have been rejected by women my whole life. Personally, I try to make them feel bad about themselves. A lifetime of rejection has made me what I am. So spare me with the typical responses. This is the danger regarding men and rejection. The more rejection that you receive, the worse it effects your vibe. And the more it effects your vibe, the more likely you are to be rejected. A guy has to have the self-esteem to go through 10 no's to get 1 yes. 2
truth_seeker Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 For me it comes down to respect. If a woman is respectful about it, then it is handled better. If a woman chooses to be immature about it, that's where it can lead to problems. 1
smackie9 Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 Everyone is reading way too much into this. It's simple, these two only had one purpose in mind when interacting with you, and that was to get your interest. You didn't reciprocate, so to them interacting with you no long served a purpose. In other words, you won't date them, they don't want anything to do with you. In their minds they probably don't want to waste their time feeding a girl's ego giving them their attention. 3
deckard11 Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 This is the danger regarding men and rejection. The more rejection that you receive, the worse it effects your vibe. And the more it effects your vibe, the more likely you are to be rejected. A guy has to have the self-esteem to go through 10 no's to get 1 yes. Well, all I've gotten is no's my whole life. Not one yes. So don't talk to me about self esteem. I doubt there are positive people out there who go through rejection their whole life.
Revolver Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 It's not really anyone's place to tell someone else how they should deal with rejection(unless it's violent or infringing on another's rights) 2
Author Buddhist Posted March 13, 2016 Author Posted March 13, 2016 Everyone is reading way too much into this. It's simple, these two only had one purpose in mind when interacting with you, and that was to get your interest. You didn't reciprocate, so to them interacting with you no long served a purpose. In other words, you won't date them, they don't want anything to do with you. In their minds they probably don't want to waste their time feeding a girl's ego giving them their attention. Well I'll be honest here, if that is all they wanted and they can't even be polite there afterwards, I don't think they rate a mention. People who see being friendly with others as 'feeding their ego' and living in fear that someone might feel better about themselves than they do, is kind of sad. I have to say I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone who subscribes to the feeding a girls ego ideology. As if women should be feared if they aren't doormats and need their ego constantly broken down just in case they might feel good about themselves. Seriously, there is something very broken about that way of thinking. 2
Jabron1 Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 Well, all I've gotten is no's my whole life. Not one yes. So don't talk to me about self esteem. I doubt there are positive people out there who go through rejection their whole life. What changes have you made to your approach as a result of this harsh feedback? 1
Chris2016 Posted March 13, 2016 Posted March 13, 2016 Everyone is reading way too much into this. It's simple, these two only had one purpose in mind when interacting with you, and that was to get your interest. You didn't reciprocate, so to them interacting with you no long served a purpose. In other words, you won't date them, they don't want anything to do with you. In their minds they probably don't want to waste their time ... OP, I took out "feeding her ego". They showed interest. You didnt reciprocate. Next. Maybe they're confident?
Author Buddhist Posted March 14, 2016 Author Posted March 14, 2016 OP, I took out "feeding her ego". They showed interest. You didnt reciprocate. Next. Maybe they're confident? I did agree with your earlier comment that it's likely that's what's going on. But the way Smackie put it, it just sounds anything but confident. It sounds fearful and defensive. To my mind a truly confident person wouldn't need to ignore and avoid that person ever after. They would just go about their life normally and give it the attention it deserves, none. They wouldn't change how they reacted to someone. I'm not saying I'd expect them to flirt with me again. But I wouldn't expect them to go out of they way in avoidance either. Being professional, polite and neutral to someone seems the more confident thing to do. Avoidance just makes a big deal out of it and draws attention because it's a radical change of behaviour and it's also different behaviour to how they react to all the other people they aren't attracted to. 3
neowulf Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 A well adjusted man won't even skip a beat after being rejected. I've always found it mind blowing that people make such a huge deal about rejection. Like there's some horrible shame in admitting you find someone attractive. It sounds like these guys are just insecure. You've rejected them, so they're response is to zone you out. It's their loss. I wouldn't let it phase you. 1
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