Driver Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 Long story short, I have two very close friends I've known since I was 10. I care about them a lot, but we've had our ups and downs and they haven't always been the most positive of influences (and in some ways neither have I). I have had an eating disorder for the past eight years, but I've been actively trying to recover for the last four years. The first few years of my eating disorder involved lots of purging (15x a day sometimes), lots of over-exercising and restricting my food intake. I am 5'8.5" and got down to 107 pounds. Never dangerously underweight but still definitely underweight. These two friends, Megan and Vanessa, watched my struggle. I would call them when I had thrown up all day, when I gained a pound, when I binged on 6000 calories and was feeling panicked. They encouraged me to get treatment. When I began the recovery process I ended up gaining all the weight back putting me at a healthy weight of 138 pounds which I've hovered around for the last few years. This is my highest weight ever, and logically I know it's not a high weight for someone my height at all. About two years ago Megan and Vanessa had a falling out and weren't talking for months. Megan confessed to me that Vanessa often talked about how "fat" I have gotten. She said it was a frequent topic of conversation. While Megan was showing a series of her and Vanessa's texts, trying to show she was defending me, I accidentally saw Vanessa's reply - "Oh please - you've called her fat 10,000 times." This was two years ago and right or wrong, it still haunts me. Recovering from an eating disorder is hard. I live in constant fear of being judged for my weight and eating. I find it sad that the two people I confided in, cried to and trusted would say such a nasty thing about me. The one thing I convinced my family and friends wouldn't notice about me... They noticed about me. In recovery I convinced myself that the people who love me don't care about or notice my weight and I was clearly dead wrong. It was the ultimate betrayal to me, especially because at 5'8.5" and 138 pounds... Well, it makes ME uncomfortable to be that weight but logically I know it's anything but fat. So here I am, two years later and it finally hit me that no matter how petty that comment was it hit me HARD. Hard enough that ever since I moved back to my hometown I have been avoiding hanging out with them. I guess I dread the shame and fear of being judged in that way again. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to these so called friends and look to them for support and yet they said the one thing about me that was driving my ED. So I confronted Vanessa and told her how much it hurt me. Her response was not an apology but more like "Oh, that was so long ago we don't even remember. We were just always talking about petty things." I never responded and I feel like I just want to cut things off. I guess I just needed to vent. Am I the one being silly for not letting their comments go? Or should I have dumped these friends a long time ago?
Taramere Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 First of all, congratulations on being in recovery! Having spend a lot of time (along with her other friends and her family) feeling immensely frustrated by the extent to which a treatment resistant friend clings to anorexia as a major part of her identity that she can't give up, I really admire you for having tackled this so well. I would love to see my friend make those efforts and embrace life in the way that you have. Despite having encouraged you to get help, your friends might not have any sort of understanding of eating disorders....but I do think it's bizarre that anybody would describe a 5 ft 8" woman who weighs 138 pounds as "fat". That sounds like the sort of commentary I'd expect to hear from groups of misogynists (who might approve of eating disordered behaviour on account of it pointing to a woman having low self esteem), people in the modelling industry, where the pressure is on women to be at or just about clinically anorexic level....or I suppose it's something you might expect to hear from catty patients in an eating disorders clinic (eg pro-ana patients bitching about a treatment positive patient). It's not for anybody else to tell you who you should or shouldn't hang out with, and I'm sure that it's very difficult to cut off people you've known since you were 10 years old. All I can say about this is that you've done really well in fighting that illness. It must have taken a great deal of strength, determination and maturity. You've suggested that you and your friends aren't always good for eachother. Maybe they feel threatened by the changes in you. Maybe strong, healthy Driver who has managed to get her sh*t together reminds them of ways in which they have yet to get their own sh*t together. Again, congratulations on your recovery and may you continue to fight the good fight in years to come.
whichwayisup Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 Megan confessed to me that Vanessa often talked about how "fat" I have gotten. She said it was a frequent topic of conversation. While Megan was showing a series of her and Vanessa's texts, trying to show she was defending me, I accidentally saw Vanessa's reply - "Oh please - you've called her fat 10,000 times." Megan should have kept her mouth shut about this and not try to drag you into their problems. She didn't have YOUR best interest at heart here at all. She tried to put a wedge between you and Vanessa by trying to make her look bad and make you end the friendship and choose her over V. Megan didn't think how you would feel. This information you really didn't need to know. I think you should blast them BOTH! It irks me that some people don't have anything better to do than gossip about someone elses weight. It's NONE of their business.
preraph Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 If any of your friends are calling you fat at 138 pounds, they may be the reason you had the disorder to begin with, the little morons. Any person who would say that knowing you had struggled with a life-threatening disease needs to be blocked out of your life!!! You deserve supportive people, not shallow little (five letter word).
losangelena Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 What's almost more disturbing is her response when you told her. Instead of apologizing, she downplayed it. Not cool. Reason #2 to say bye-bye.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 At almost 5'9", 138lbs is perfectly healthy and normal. The fact that they're calling you "fat" is crazy IMO. As it's already been stated, they may actually be the reason why you developed the disorder in the first place. So definitely not a great support system.
Methodical Posted March 28, 2016 Posted March 28, 2016 Neither of them are good friends, imo. Had they not had a falling out, they'd have continued as they were. Now, one is trying to turn you against the other. If she really cared about YOU, she would have kept her mouth shut instead of sharing hurtful things to pit you again the other. Really, it doesn't bode well for her bc she was a participant to the gossip by allowing it. I don't allow ppl to criticize my friends and loved ones, and have no problem stopping the would-be busybodies in their tracks.
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