Revenge Affair?

[merrmeade]

So, you are beating yourself up for having morals?

 

I have read your posts for sometime, and I think your husband should thank God he married you, as you have stood by him for all his bad behavior.

 

As for the question, of whether a WS enjoys the affair and sex, I would observe, that we humans can and do enjoy the moment, and then when reality comes calling we look at the whole thing as bad. I would say this is so for all things. You over eat at dinner and enjoy it, until the pounds come on and you cannot get your shirt on. Does not make what was done worse or bad. I mean, would you feel better if you spouse, stated, I cheated, but the sex really hurt the four or five time we did it. No, the sex is fun, and the lead up I am sure gives a thrill, if nothing more then the "fun" unknown and forbidden. Part of accepting and moving on, is realizing that it was fun for them, and they did enjoy it. I think the spouse that trys and lie about this, just does a disservice, and is not being truthful. The aftermath, and the lead up, are I think more important to understand. How did your relationship lead to sex? When did you wright off "us". We, as a group, have written about remorse, pain and what is need to come back as a WS.

 

Lastly, John is right. All we can go on is faith. Faith that our WS will not do this again, and faith in ourselves that we will not go and have revenge. Merrmeade, your faith in yourself held fast, you did not compromise yourself. That is a good thing.

 

My two cents.

And Understand, your handle is well chosen because I ALWAYS feel understood by your posts - which is the #1 thing I think a BS needs to become whole again. It's what gives us permission to heal and hope we can. Feeling understood also means feeling unjudged so you're open to other ways of dealing with the pain and the way out of it. It opens the door to therapy and closes the door on an unhelpful reaction - such as, I suppose, a RA is considered to be. Regardless, I do NOT judge anyone who had one and listen respectfully to learn (and sometimes be entertained) when someone wants to talk about it.

 

It's all a crock-a-shot, and no response is 'wrong' short of murder - imho.

[ladydesigner]

The reason "why not?" is because you want to reconcile. If you want to reconcile, that's why you shouldn't do it. So deciding if you want to reconcile is the first thing you should think about, IMO.

 

I think this is why I had my RA at first because I wasn't planning on R, I think my RA was meant to be an exit A.

 

I planned it and it did make me feel better, temporarily. I didn't tell my WH about it though until 4 years later when I caught him in yet another A.

 

The RA leveled the playing field according to my WH, even though he is the far bigger monster in this M as far as I'm concerned. My WH thinks I'm just as bad as he is now.

 

While I did feel very sorry for my WH after I disclosed my RA and he did suffer for a few months that I saw, but he took his A underground for another 2 years probably as payback to me. Eh anyways... in a nutshell no it is not worth it!

[MissCongeniality]

you know that i had an affair and two years later john had an affair.

 

John "planned" his affair. He actually set out to do it. She was not married. He was not attached to her....he did not fall in love with her. It was short lived...and there was no intercourse. He simply walked away and never saw her again.

 

it made him feel worse not better....and it just complicated everything.

I am certain that had i not had my affair...he would never have either.

I agree with this my sister had a revenge affair without even confronting her husband now she's naturally paranoid so she jumped to the conclusion that he was sleeping with a work friend. So she went and ****ed a first hottest guy she could find. Turns out he wasn't cheating but her husband being equally as vindictive went and had sex with his work friend and do you know what happened?

 

They both got pregnant. My sister by her one night stand and her husbands work friend by her well husband. Now I don't feel sorry for either of them my sister let her paranoia get the better of her and her husband is a impulsive dick however none of that would have happened if everybody just kept it in their pants.

 

So if you decide to have revenge sex be cautious because your actions could have monumental impact.

[bobwhite007]

How does it start? How can you tell who will do it? Revenge affair? Never even considered another woman before ,but I am very open to some strange now.

Edited March 15, 2016 by bobwhite007
Wrong spelling

[Betrayed&Stayed]

As a BS I know I'm not alone in wishing he could understand, truly know, deep down inside what an affair does to you. Not just the emotional & physical agony. The loss of faith, innocence, family. The shattered selfesteem. The loss of self, death of the dream. The crippling agony. Etc. etc. etc.

 

Is anyone tempted to do it (Revenge Affair) to them?

 

For me a RA would only accomplish a temporary shift in power. Having a spouse cheat on you is a huge shift of power in the relationship. The cheating spouse unilaterally changes the rules without letting the BS know that the game has drastically changed.

 

I've thought about a RA. I've had my opportunities but did not pursue the RA. A RA is not the same as an A; not even close For me, the fact that the A came out of nowhere is in part what shattered my worldview and sense of self. I would have NEVER NEVER thought that my wife was even capable of an A. All of her friends would say the same thing. So for her to actually have an affair was shattering. OTOH, if I have a RA it would not be "out of the blue sky". The unanswerable question of "How could you?" is not lingering in the air. Once the A is exposed, then the whole subject of A is open and forefront. Before D-Day the subject of an affair would not even register a blip on my radar because it was not even a possibility (naive of me). IMO, the damage done by the initial A can not be matched by a RA. The dynamics are just too different.

 

Plus, I'm reminded how much I despise the POS OM. I'm also reminded of how much damage results from an A. I don't want to lower myself to that level.

[road]

I agree with this my sister had a revenge affair without even confronting her husband now she's naturally paranoid so she jumped to the conclusion that he was sleeping with a work friend. So she went and ****ed a first hottest guy she could find. Turns out he wasn't cheating but her husband being equally as vindictive went and had sex with his work friend and do you know what happened?

 

They both got pregnant. My sister by her one night stand and her husbands work friend by her well husband. Now I don't feel sorry for either of them my sister let her paranoia get the better of her and her husband is a impulsive dick however none of that would have happened if everybody just kept it in their pants.

 

So if you decide to have revenge sex be cautious because your actions could have monumental impact.

 

 

So how is this mess playing out?

[understand50]

I agree with this my sister had a revenge affair without even confronting her husband now she's naturally paranoid so she jumped to the conclusion that he was sleeping with a work friend. So she went and ****ed a first hottest guy she could find. Turns out he wasn't cheating but her husband being equally as vindictive went and had sex with his work friend and do you know what happened?

 

They both got pregnant. My sister by her one night stand and her husbands work friend by her well husband. Now I don't feel sorry for either of them my sister let her paranoia get the better of her and her husband is a impulsive dick however none of that would have happened if everybody just kept it in their pants.

 

So if you decide to have revenge sex be cautious because your actions could have monumental impact.

 

So how is this mess playing out?

 

Badly, I should think.......

[dreamingoftigers]

Truth be told:

 

I don't want to drag another person through all of this garbage. I don't want to involve "another" and I don't have respect for people that knowingly sleep with married people. So that narrows the pool of "revenge-affair partners" to zero. Unless I lie about being married. And im not that kind of arsehole.

 

Plus, the only reason I would want an "RA" would have nothing to do with "revenge" at all. It would be just to have a connection with another human being on an intimate level because this relationship has pretty much been blasted to sh*T. I don't want to divorce and I don't want to date again.

 

As for how my husband would be impacted, I honestly don't think he would care if I slept with anyone else, aside from being pissed off that I dare do so.

 

Would he be heartbroken? I doubt it. He'd just be pissed off as to what I did to our family, probably not even to him specifically. He might just look down on me, if that. Otherwise I really don't think it would phase him.

 

Scratch that: it would be a Golden Ticket for him to screw around without "having to hide it" or feel any guilt.

[Joie]

I thought about it. The A was a HUGE blow to my self-confidence. I have always been a confident person. I know who and what I am and the A damaged that to a degree that I am not sure even my husband fully understands.

 

I remember asking him "Do you think that other men don't find me attractive? Do you honestly think that I have never had the opportunity to cheat?"

 

I discussed my thoughts about having a RA with my IC. One of the first things I did after D-Day was make myself look "hot". In counseling we discussed why I did that. My conclusion was that I thought being attractive was the easiest and fastest way for me to get my confidence back. It literally took almost no effort. But the gratification I felt quickly faded. I realized that a RA would be the same for me. It wouldn't change anything. It would be a shallow fix.

 

I love my husband and I need him to make me feel attractive and beautiful. I have learned that if he isn't doing that I just need to TELL him because the reality is that he does think I am awesome but sometimes he needs to be reminded to show it.

[2.50 a gallon]

I too slipped over to the dark side and began having sex with several married co-workers. It was so easy, they knew I was in pain, and they too were unhappy in their marriages, so down the road we went.

For myself, I am not so sure that these I might have survived without them. Especially after discovering that I was more than useless in bed with a single woman. It was a good year before I could once again perform with a single gal. In short it added a year to my life that I might not have had as I was that deep in the bottomless pit.

In fact, it was another 14 years later before I found another woman that I was able to fall in love with. And thankfully she understands that I will never ever marry again.

[RecentChange]

I thought about it. The A was a HUGE blow to my self-confidence. I have always been a confident person. I know who and what I am and the A damaged that to a degree that I am not sure even my husband fully understands.

 

I remember asking him "Do you think that other men don't find me attractive? Do you honestly think that I have never had the opportunity to cheat?"

 

Oooh I really identify with this.

 

I didn't bring up my opportunities to cheat on his D day, and was actually quite offended that his counselor suggested that a revenge affair on my part was a real possibility - but it was a blow to my confidence.

 

Years later, when I was on the verge of cheating, and we had a rare argument - I was sick of feeling ignored - I blurted "you know I can and DO get the attention of other men right?"

[Liam1]

I

I remember asking him "Do you think that other men don't find me attractive? Do you honestly thinkbecause the reality is that he does think I am awesome but sometimes he needs to be reminded to show it.

 

Well, Joie, that is how I feel about my wife and always have.

 

So, I have no doubt that your husband thinks you are AWESOME.

[Liam1]

 

They both got pregnant. My sister by her one night stand and her husbands work friend by her well husband.

 

So if you decide to have revenge sex be cautious because your actions could have monumental impact.

 

That is a great reminder and a reason NOT to have an affair.

 

Sex can still result in pregnancy or a deadly STD.

 

In addition, I read somewhere that a woman is much more likely to have extra marital sex while she is ovulating and that is likely why far too one nighters do end in a pregnancy.

[MissCongeniality]

So how is this mess playing out?

Well the bio dad of my sisters kid is a no show as in he knows he's a dad but would rather move to LA to be an actor than accept his responsibility and her husband is letting his baby mama move in since she lives in a one bedroom apartment. All in all it's a real ****ing mess.

[road]

Well the bio dad of my sisters kid is a no show as in he knows he's a dad but would rather move to LA to be an actor than accept his responsibility and her husband is letting his baby mama move in since she lives in a one bedroom apartment. All in all it's a real ****ing mess.

 

 

As move in with him and his WW?

 

 

Are they divorcing?

[MissCongeniality]

As move in with him and his WW?

 

 

Are they divorcing?

No but the other woman (who I actually like she's really nice) moved in with them because her place wasn't the best environment(it was really small not big enough for more than one person). Honestly I feel like my sister needs to straighten her ass up or there will be a divorce but right now they are just trying to work things out.

 

But I swear if I have to hear my sister (whose a die hard feminist) whine and complain about it's her husband's fault for being too 'friendly' with his work friend I'm going to lose it!

 

I mean she created this situation its her pattern men leave or cheat on her (sometimes both in interchangable order) and she blames them but I don't ever tell her what I think because she's my sister and compared to my mistakes she's a saint. But I swear I am very close to flipping out.