Revenge Affair?

[Mrs. John Adams]

a marriage that carries a scar...yes...but it can and sometimes does become a wonderful fulfilling relationship.

 

A scar that reminds you of sadness...or a scar that tells you how far you have come

 

you choose

[road]

I never thought of it as a revenge affair.....

 

But I cheated 5 years after my partner did. I wasn't looking for revenge, and in most ways had recovered from his cheating.

 

But I do have my doubts that I would have gone through with it if he hadn't cheated. In my mind he cheated and we worked through it, so I thought well, we should be able to work through this too. It gave me a license.

 

And with my D day - he kept bringing up his affair, saying that he now knows what it feels like - and its horrible.

 

My intent was never to "show him" what it's like to be on the other side, but that was a consequence of it.

 

 

Everyone has the potential to have an affair. Many resist. Though as with you many a BS uses justification well my WS cheated on me I deserve to have some extra fun too.

 

 

And because there were many years past D day, and the BS has gotten past the affair, when the BS has an affair it is still a RA.

[katielee]

I can't get past the fact that ppl think affairs are "fun." They're not. Don't think your spouse is going to Disneyland and you should get to go too. It's more like hell.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think some people do enjoy their affairs Katielee...you and i and many others did not....and we have tried very hard to overcome the devastation.

 

But there are some folks...who bounce from affair to affair...and relationship to relationship....and never suffer the consequences of their choices. Some...have affairs...keep it quiet....and stay married with a deep dark secret.

 

 

Lately we have even had several threads with these kinds of stories...and surprisingly...many people recommend keeping the secret.

 

But you are right....i have one regret in my life....I have one thing I wish i could undo....and its that one day .....and unfortunately my husband and i will live with it the rest of our lives.

 

My recommendation....don't do it...for any reason...do not have an affair....

[TX-SC]

I can't get past the fact that ppl think affairs are "fun." They're not. Don't think your spouse is going to Disneyland and you should get to go too. It's more like hell.

 

Yeah, I'm sure the sex is HORRIBLE! I'm sure the whole time they are dreading it. That's why they go back for a second, third, or fifteenth time, right? I agree that maybe after the consequences are felt that it's bad, but I doubt seriously they are hating it while they are getting some new sex.

 

"Oh God, please don't let him give me another orgasm in my husband's bed!!!!"

 

Got some swamp land in Arizona for sale?

 

BTW, I do not know your story. I'm speaking in generalities. I just don't buy that they aren't enjoying the sex and attention. If not, why do it?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Yeah, I'm sure the sex is HORRIBLE! I'm sure the whole time they are dreading it. That's why they go back for a second, third, or fifteenth time, right? I agree that maybe after the consequences are felt that it's bad, but I doubt seriously they are hating it while they are getting some new sex.

 

"Oh God, please don't let him give me another orgasm in my husband's bed!!!!"

 

Got some swamp land in Arizona for sale?

 

BTW, I do not know your story. I'm speaking in generalities. I just don't buy that they aren't enjoying the sex and attention. If not, why do it?

 

I had sex with the AP...one time

 

Katielee had sex with her AP one time

 

Both Katielee and I confessed to our husbands. and Both of our husbands had RA's.

 

There are SOME who realize what they did and regret it.

 

I realize that you are talking generalities...but in our case...and I am sure others...these are the FACTS

[Popsicle]

Thank you all for your answers. I know that a RA could never be the same, the innocence is already gone. After 26 years I KNOW I would only be doing it because of the pain. Oh I just wish there was an answer, a magic potion that could take it all away. Something. Anything. Ugh!

 

 

Bless your heart, ShatteredLady. I wish I could take your pain away too.

[JohnAdams]

Thank you all for your answers. I know that a RA could never be the same, the innocence is already gone. After 26 years I KNOW I would only be doing it because of the pain. Oh I just wish there was an answer, a magic potion that could take it all away. Something. Anything. Ugh!

 

SL.....I agree....oh how I wish there was some kind of magic portion that would make it all go away. It is all so unfair. How could the one that loved us do that to us?

 

Unfortunately that magic potion does not exist. All you can do at this point is to try to figure out how to go forward. I certainly cannot answer for you. In our case, we did manage to go forward. Even though it certainly remained rough for a long time . My revenge affair proved nothing. I think, we, the BS search for an answer, anything to help with the pain. Perhaps the only answer is time. Not a good answer for many, but, it takes a lot of time. Even with time you are gambling. Will it actually get better? Will you spend all of this time for nothing? There is no single answer. We can only assess our own situation and hope we did the right think. In reality, that is how we answer just about any situation in life. Hoping we did the right thing.

 

I hope the best for you. I hope you eventually find you did the right thing. I hope you get the peace and love you so deserve. JA

[TX-SC]

I had sex with the AP...one time

 

Katielee had sex with her AP one time

 

Both Katielee and I confessed to our husbands. and Both of our husbands had RA's.

 

There are SOME who realize what they did and regret it.

 

I realize that you are talking generalities...but in our case...and I am sure others...these are the FACTS

 

Yep, I'm speaking in generalities. I'm sure you and Katielee are the exceptions and not the norm. She said affairs are not fun. I think for most cheaters they ARE fun. You two just happen to fall into a minority position in that you only did it once then confessed. Those types of situations appear to be rare based on personal experience, LS, and other infidelity boards.

[bigman1]

Not to stir up anything, but even though you speak in generalities, I guess the point of your post was that "affair sex" is enjoyable. The concept that affairs are fun is sort of a mixed bag.

 

Was the rush of feelings or lust enjoyable at the time? Yes. How do we know? Because you had sex with the other person...even if it was only one time. After all, something made you go there, fool around, get undressed and you know the rest. Was that fun? Absolutely. Afterwards... maybe not so much.

 

Many have had sex or gotten intimate with someone and then later regretted it. Still, post coital regret does not negate the fact of pre-coital, and coital excitement and enjoyment. That is where the mind movies come from. I guess my point is one of clarification.

 

Affairs themselves, well... they can become tedious. They can become a lot of things. I view them like drugs. I know a lot of drug addicts that want to kick the habit. Still, they use until they kick it. Fun? Depends on when you're asking them.

[drifter777]

The reason "why not?" is because you want to reconcile. If you want to reconcile, that's why you shouldn't do it. So deciding if you want to reconcile is the first thing you should think about, IMO.

Some BS' s need a RA to even consider reconciliation.

I read this very often from BW's and BH's alike. It wasn't for me because I never reconciled - I only rug-swept and tried to live with what she did. If I would have believed that I would have felt better and it would help me began to truly heal I would have done it in a heartbeat.

 

I don't think many BS' s think an RA is a good thing or seriously condider doing it. But I know that some need to balance the scales and inflict the same kind of pain on their WS. It might not work & it might make things even more complicated & painful for all but they are already living in hell so maybe blowing it all up is for the best.

[TX-SC]

Not to stir up anything, but even though you speak in generalities, I guess the point of your post was that "affair sex" is enjoyable. The concept that affairs are fun is sort of a mixed bag.

 

Was the rush of feelings or lust enjoyable at the time? Yes. How do we know? Because you had sex with the other person...even if it was only one time. After all, something made you go there, fool around, get undressed and you know the rest. Was that fun? Absolutely. Afterwards... maybe not so much.

 

Many have had sex or gotten intimate with someone and then later regretted it. Still, post coital regret does not negate the fact of pre-coital, and coital excitement and enjoyment. That is where the mind movies come from. I guess my point is one of clarification.

 

Affairs themselves, well... they can become tedious. They can become a lot of things. I view them like drugs. I know a lot of drug addicts that want to kick the habit. Still, they use until they kick it. Fun? Depends on when you're asking them.

 

I understand what you are saying, but the reality is that most people don't repeatedly subject themselves to a "bad" experience. The vast majority of the affairs we see on here are moderate to long term affairs where the WS and OM/OW meet on multiole occassions to have sex. Having post sex "what have I done" feelings obviously was not enough to deter them from doing it again. In fact,many WS on here tend to say they compartmentalize the affair and never even think about the bad aspects of what they are doing.

 

So, I stand by my statement that in most affairs, the WS enjoys it, at least until they get caught.

[bigman1]

@TX-SC I think that we agree. I was pointing out that when some said that they only had sex once and then confessed, that they were not exempt from the "fun" part. Regret might occur immediately or after a while, but it's the "fun" part is there for all.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I can only speak for me....of course the "attention" received during an affair is enjoyable....or why would affairs happen at all?

 

So yes you are correct....affairs are fun...but they are also complex...so honestly nothing is cut and dried. No one is denying that during the affair there is some enjoyment. It is the aftermath....when the world comes crashing down...and you realize you cannot undo what you have.

 

This is a poor scenario...but you go out for an evening of fun and drink....you drive a car...you kill someone.....but you are really too drunk to realize what you have done...until the next morning. You wake up and realize you not only feel terrible...but you have committed murder...and you cannot take it away....forever...you will carry what you have done. Yes....it feels that bad.

[road]

Yeah, I'm sure the sex is HORRIBLE! I'm sure the whole time they are dreading it. That's why they go back for a second, third, or fifteenth time, right? I agree that maybe after the consequences are felt that it's bad, but I doubt seriously they are hating it while they are getting some new sex.

 

"Oh God, please don't let him give me another orgasm in my husband's bed!!!!"

 

Got some swamp land in Arizona for sale?

 

BTW, I do not know your story. I'm speaking in generalities. I just don't buy that they aren't enjoying the sex and attention. If not, why do it?

 

 

It is not the great sex that keeps affairs going.

 

 

As in life sex is quality varies. And as in affairs the sex varies the same.

 

 

Most people in affairs have no intention of getting a divorce they just want so side action. Affairs fill many emotional needs.

 

 

For most WW's they went into and stayed in an affair because they were getting emotional needs met. They gave up sex to get those needs met. They continued to have sex that really did not do much for them to keep getting attention from the OM. This need/addiction to attention is what makes it hard for a WW/OW to end an affair.

 

 

WH/OM wanted extra sex. So they met the OW/WW needs for attention to keep getting sex.

[merrmeade]

All you can do at this point is to try to figure out how to go forward. I certainly cannot answer for you. In our case, we did manage to go forward. Even though it certainly remained rough for a long time . My revenge affair proved nothing. I think, we, the BS search for an answer, anything to help with the pain. Perhaps the only answer is time. Not a good answer for many, but, it takes a lot of time. Even with time you are gambling. Will it actually get better? Will you spend all of this time for nothing? There is no single answer. We can only assess our own situation and hope we did the right think. In reality, that is how we answer just about any situation in life. Hoping we did the right thing.

This goes down in the annals for me as one of the all-time best, most poignant and unfortunately true answers.

[katielee]

Some BS' s need a RA to even consider reconciliation. some need to balance the scales and inflict the same kind of pain on their WS. .

 

I question the importance of justice in reconciling with a person who chooses this.

I'd be really afraid to burn the toast.

[merrmeade]

I think my depression came from the whole existential non-answer answer I was left with — I couldn't do other than reconcile. It's who I am. I couldn't have an affair. It's who I am. The reality of my own character and his lack of it is, in the end, the only satisfaction.

 

Some satisfaction.

[merrmeade]

I think we all at least considered having an RA. For me, it wasn't simply that I was too good for it. It just wouldn't have made a dint as revenge. An RA simply would not have brought any satisfaction because he wouldn't have been that bothered.

 

For example, when I confessed to him the feelings I'd had for one of his friends, he heroically intoned with a tiny bit of emotion - well, you couldn't do better. So hmmm. He can't be hurt by my betrayal—imagined or real.

 

I do believe Mr. JA when he says the only answer is time. It's just hard to accept when you're on the short side of it. Sometimes I think I see the possibility of forgiveness which is really just not thinking about it as much and, therefore, liking and loving the WS again more and more. But then along comes another trigger and poof! Progress derailed.

 

As for this related discussion of how much the guilt hurts vs how much the affair thrills - I think the answer is in the accusation: They simply didn't go back for more after the first (and only) time.

[understand50]

I think my depression came from the whole existential non-answer answer I was left with — I couldn't do other than reconcile. It's who I am. I couldn't have an affair. It's who I am. The reality of my own character and his lack of it is, in the end, the only satisfaction.

 

Some satisfaction.

 

So, you are beating yourself up for having morals?

 

I have read your posts for sometime, and I think your husband should thank God he married you, as you have stood by him for all his bad behavior.

 

As for the question, of whether a WS enjoys the affair and sex, I would observe, that we humans can and do enjoy the moment, and then when reality comes calling we look at the whole thing as bad. I would say this is so for all things. You over eat at dinner and enjoy it, until the pounds come on and you cannot get your shirt on. Does not make what was done worse or bad. I mean, would you feel better if you spouse, stated, I cheated, but the sex really hurt the four or five time we did it. No, the sex is fun, and the lead up I am sure gives a thrill, if nothing more then the "fun" unknown and forbidden. Part of accepting and moving on, is realizing that it was fun for them, and they did enjoy it. I think the spouse that trys and lie about this, just does a disservice, and is not being truthful. The aftermath, and the lead up, are I think more important to understand. How did your relationship lead to sex? When did you wright off "us". We, as a group, have written about remorse, pain and what is need to come back as a WS.

 

Lastly, John is right. All we can go on is faith. Faith that our WS will not do this again, and faith in ourselves that we will not go and have revenge. Merrmeade, your faith in yourself held fast, you did not compromise yourself. That is a good thing.

 

My two cents.

[66Charger]

Bless your heart, ShatteredLady. I wish I could take your pain away too.

 

Echoed by almost everyone here on LS, SL

[2.50 a gallon]

Pre-marriage I was a womanizer. Deep inside what I truly wanted from life was a wife and family, a home. I was very picky and another part of my problem was that most of the women that I was interested in having a longer relationship with did not see me as marriage material

Once I took them vows my old days were happily behind me.

But, she had just graduated from college and was recruited by a Fortune 100 company, for which we moved a thousand miles away.

ExW was very hot, foldout material, and was the first woman to work in her department. She worked amongst suits, and I am not a suit type guy. Almost from the day we returned from out honeymoon I was facing an army of OM's, her male co-workers, From then on there was nothing I could do or say that one of them could not find away to twist it around and make me look bad.

On our six month anniversary I caught her kissing a guard where she worked. Thankfully there was a chain link fence between us, but that did not stop me from saying some pretty nasty things and embarrassing her in front of her co-workers. Having no other place to go she went home with him that night.

When she came to get her things a couple days later, she told me all about him.

The worst was our landlord neighbor we shared a bedroom wall with. That weekend when his wife left for to take care of her sick mother, he invited my Ex, and the OM's over for a victory BBQ

I left and when the local bar closed I came home to hear the party still going on. The last thing I heard was next door somebody put on the them from the Stripper and heard the hoots and hollers while the Ex-future mother of my children drunkenly stripped for them.

A couple of week later the neighbors wife asked me if I knew anything about a pair of panties she had found behind her couch.

When I told her the story, she was angry and knew her marriage was also over. And it was her idea we have sex that Friday, and make him listen.

As I said it was one of the most erotic nights I have ever had. She was very loud and vocal, and had him banging on the wall telling me to keep it down.

The very next day the neighbor's wife again left to take care of her ailing mother. And once again the neighbor invited the Ex and her friends over.

This time she knocked on the door claiming she wanted to spend time with our cats. In truth it was to once again rub in her on going affair.

But this time when she got ready to leave, she figured out that I had not slept alone and went totally nuts. A total 180, on her knees begging, a waterfall of tears, and even went so far as to go outside and tell the world at the top of lungs what a loser the OM was in bed

Edited March 14, 2016 by 2.50 a gallon

[TrustedthenBusted]

When I went looking for a revenge affair, good looking married women were so easy to find and attract, that I became disgusted by the whole idea.

 

It was literally like shooting fish in a barrell, and MUCH easier to find a willing partner than regular dating had ever been my whole life prior.

 

That my own wife was one of these willing married women eager to be lured into a meaningless sexual relationship angered me to the point where none of them seemed appealing.

[Liam1]

Yeah, I'm sure the sex is HORRIBLE! I'm sure the whole time they are dreading it. That's why they go back for a second, third, or fifteenth time, right? I agree that maybe after the consequences are felt that it's bad, but I doubt seriously they are hating it while they are getting some new sex.

 

"Oh God, please don't let him give me another orgasm in my husband's bed!!!!"

 

Got some swamp land in Arizona for sale?

 

BTW, I do not know your story. I'm speaking in generalities. I just don't buy that they aren't enjoying the sex and attention. If not, why do it?

 

The first time the sex was good, but it started to wind down quickly and then without any love, the sex was worse than routine. That's when I broke it off and confessed.

 

If my wife had a revenge affair, of course I would forgive her. I am expecting it to happen to some degree.

 

I hope it never happens, but if it does, we will work through it.

 

As for serial cheaters. Yes, I do think they have a problem to hurt their spouse over and over again.

[Liam1]

When I went looking for a revenge affair, good looking married women were so easy to find and attract, that I became disgusted by the whole idea.

 

It was literally like shooting fish in a barrell, and MUCH easier to find a willing partner than regular dating had ever been my whole life prior.

 

 

I agree. Married woman looking for an affair seem to be everywhere today. They seem to be very aggressive, too. They want sex and they are upfront about that.

 

What they are not upfront about is that they want to mate poach.

 

You can see it here by all the OWs that still opine that the OM loved them.

 

You are right, too. I took the bait once, from a sexually aggressive woman, but I regret it.

 

Now, I am totally turned off by these women.