Revenge Affair?

[ShatteredLady]

As a BS I know I'm not alone in wishing he could understand, truly know, deep down inside what an affair does to you. Not just the emotional & physical agony. The loss of faith, innocence, family. The shattered selfesteem. The loss of self, death of the dream. The crippling agony. Etc. etc. etc.

 

Is anyone tempted to do it (Revenge Affair) to them?

 

I know it wouldn't be the same. I've got a poo shaped 12 year hole in my life.

 

I'm not going to do it! I know it's shallow. It's breaking morals, values. It's involving other human beings & inflicting pain on innocent others. Not going to happen.

 

I wondered what it's like for others who do. Is reconciliation somehow a little easier for those who have? Does the ego boost of being adored help with the agony? Does the excitement help with the depression? Does feeling self loathing help you forgive & empathize with them?

 

Those who have had revenge affairs.... Were you very aware that it was a revenge affair at the time or was it "an affair" that might of happened even if your partner hadn't cheated first?

[Mrs. John Adams]

you know that i had an affair and two years later john had an affair.

 

John "planned" his affair. He actually set out to do it. She was not married. He was not attached to her....he did not fall in love with her. It was short lived...and there was no intercourse. He simply walked away and never saw her again.

 

it made him feel worse not better....and it just complicated everything.

I am certain that had i not had my affair...he would never have either.

[RRM321]

Purely guessing here but, I would assume that anything that doesn't get you what you really want would make you feel worse.

 

If getting even wasn't a part of your relationship dynamic before the affair, then adding it now wouldn't be at all comforting.

[road]

It's late, I'm tired. So for now RA's never make things better and only adds to the pain and makes recovery harder.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is reconciliation somehow a little easier for those who have? Does the ego boost of being adored help with the agony? Does the excitement help with the depression?

 

Given the flawed reason for starting the affair, I don't think any of the above would be likely outcomes.

 

What I think would be more probable is, after having been hurt by your WS, you'd suffer additional self-inflicted pain.

 

Doesn't sound like a path to recovery, either personal or marital...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Davey L]

I didn't set out to have a revenge affair. But I think that, when the temptation was there, I gave into it more easily knowing that she had had an affair previously.

It did actually make me feel better but probably wasn't the right thing to do to help reconciliation.

[flowergirl14]

I never would have thought about a revenge affair in the early days of reconcilitation. However, the more information that came to light. (The ashley madison, craigslist women, coworker etc.) I changed my thinking to this isnt a marriage but rather an arrangement. Sometimes I think about a revenge affair. I havent done it. It still goes against my morals. I wouldnt want my kids to do it so why would I? However, I dont owe my h anything he is a serial cheater. So I dont think having and RA would be the same in my situation as someone where there were 2 people trying to fix a marriage.

Edited March 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[JohnAdams]

I think revenge affairs have a different motive than their spouses motive and I think the motive is seldom revenge.

 

A revenge affair is a response to their spouses affair and a destructive response at that. It would have never occurred had the first affair not happened.

 

I think there is a curiosity of how your spouses affair could have happened. At least in my ideal world, married people did not pursue someone of the opposite sex. Marriage was forever, forsaking all others. After my wife's affair, my values, my principles were destroyed.

 

So, in my case I started thinking the things I believed in must really not matter. She fell for a guy without values, principles, morals a player that wooed her with looks, compliments and shallow personality. So, I wanted to see if I could at least somewhat become him. In reality, I was surprised how easy it was for me to get a woman interested in me. It surprised me that a pretty single woman would give me the time of day. It surprised me that she did not care I was married. I was not looking for an emotional attachment. I was not even looking for sex. I was strictly looking for validation that I did appeal to the opposite sex. That looks and personality wise, I must not be as bad and pathetic as I felt.

 

Having saying this. It really did not boost my ego. I did not feel better. I still had a hollow feeling. My RA did not give me the feel or rush her affair gave her. I still felt hollow and feel I could probably have done this over and over and never had any satisfaction. Although wrong, I understand how some betrayed spouse can have multiple RA's. The continuous searching for something that cannot be obtained.

 

I feel confident I would have never have cheated had I not been cheated on first. I think a revenge affair does not help anything. It does not help reconciliation. It does not help your ego. I think it is an act of desperation. I would certainly counsel any BS to not stoop that low and have a RA.

[BlametheIrish]

First off I do mot recommend what I did at all but I did have a revenge affair. My ex husband was a verbally abusive pos with huge anger issues (as in breaking stuff when he got mad, and he got mad alot. I married the guy after he got me pregnant . Yes I was on BC by the way. My family was very Catholic and pressured me into the marriage. Although I realize it was my choice to make.

 

Anyway after finding evidence of him cheating so many times and my pleas to go to Marital counseling rejected so many times. I said **** it, called up an old ex, ****ed him good and told my ex husband about it. It felt soooo good at the time and my cake eating husband flipped out big time. I honestly didn't think it would hurt him as much as it did. He got a taste of his own medicine, we divorced and although both of us should have gone about things in a much more mature manner we do get along now. He even went to anger management on his own. He's a better dad divorced than he ever was married and we co parent very well.

 

Even though it all worked out for the best, revenge cheating brought me down to his level. I very much regret doing sonething that went against my morals and values in attempt to show him how much it hurt me when he did it. If I could go back in time I'd tell past me to just up and leave, I mean what was I waiting for??? He obviously had no desire to change.

[Popsicle]

I think if you know for sure that you're leaving him because he betrayed you, it might make you feel good in the moment to give him a dose of that back before you go. Afterwards, you might feel a little bad though.

 

But if you know for sure that you want to stay married, don't do it. It won't help you in any way. It would be a very bad idea for so many reasons.

Edited March 12, 2016 by Popsicle

[Buckeye2]

In general I think that revenge affairs are bad. They are especially bad if you’re on a mission to have one. It’s forced and you’re using your affair partner.

 

On the other hand the WS did lower the bar. If time passes and you’re spontaneously attracted to someone that feels the same about you then why not? The rules were changed by the WS. Even if you do have an affair you’re still not even. The WS’s actions permanently altered the marriage. Your RA did not.

 

 

Basically the WS can’t be all that righteously indignant even if you renewed your vows. That’s because you merely did what they have already done. They broke the old vows, you broke the new vows.

 

 

Question: "How could you?"

 

Answer: "How could YOU?"

 

 

My #1 reason for not having an affair is that I know that I would feel as guilty as hell and my wife cold see it on my face when I walked in the door. If she had an affair I wouldn't feel guilty at all and I bet my face would be fine.

Edited March 12, 2016 by Buckeye2

[Jersey born raised]

JohnAdams nailed it. A sense of seif-worth and achieving a balance. Wanting the WS to know your pain, a sense of "hey I got some great options out there, what's it worth to you for me to stay"? A sense of hey I really matter. In JohnAdams case perhaps a little "wow single, younger, hot, women digs me so much she does not carry if I am married"!!!

 

All these and more run though a BS head regardless if they had an RA or not.

 

On side note: is it easier for a WS to get over a BS revenge affair? For myself, without having gone though it, the answer would be yes. Actually, I suspect a part of me would have little reaction as I would view it as pathetic. Which is the reason, even though reconciliation was never on the table and her adultery on going, the thought never crossed the line.

[heartwhole]

That's just not how I live or view my life. And really it's self-respect that guides it rather than a selfless concern for others. I need to respect myself at the end of the day and I am not going to become someone who treats other poorly or breaks her word just because someone else did it to me. That's the same slippery slope that my WH went down when he decided that because he felt distance and had resentments, it was OK to cheat on me.

 

After DD when I was in horrible shock, the extent of my defiance was to buy some sushi at the market that I knew I didn't have the appetite to eat. Because I should have been able to eat sushi then, dammit. And I signed myself up for monthly massages. I'm a wild and crazy gal.

[katielee]

Buckeye that's all justification. Same as the initial affair. Where is personal responsibility? " What, you're not gonna be a mature responsible adult? Then neither am I." That usually works well in adulthood.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am responsible for the state of mind my husband was in at the time of his RA...which i would rather call reaction affair...rather then revenge affair.

I created the circumstances in which he found himself through no fault of his own.

 

He is responsible for his choice to cheat.

 

I accept the responsibility for my affair.....he accepts responsibility for his affair

 

I caused BOTH. Had I not had my affair he would not have had his.

 

If I serve you alcohol and i allow you to drive a car after you leave my home and you have an accident and kill someone...I am held accountable. You are also held accountable. I am responsible because I caused the situation...you are responsible because you made the choice to drive the car.

 

I had an affair...which destroyed my husband. He had an affair in reaction to my affair. I am accountable for creating the environment in which he made a poor decision.

 

His affair is not my fault...but i am responsible. There is a difference.

 

It does not excuse his behavior and in no way does it give him a free pass. I understand the pain and destruction i caused....and i understand that he was so devastated that he needed to prove to himself that he was still desirable.

He found that his affair did not make him feel better...instead it made him feel worse....and he could have repeated it over and over again....still searching for answers and not find what he was looking for.

 

He confessed and I understood that i had caused the situation to begin with.

I have never made it an issue....instead I have sympathized with him. My remorse has allowed me to place myself into his pain and his mindset...and to understand where he was at the time.

 

Truly...it doesn't matter at this point. I am perfectly willing to accept the responsibility of the situation...because that is what is best for us in our healing and for us as a couple.

 

Neither of us wins if this remains an issue. Healing will not come if we are still dissecting who cheated who. Why? because it really doesn't matter. We are both at fault. Now that we know who to place the blame on we move toward....and how do we fix it? This is where the focus should be....

How do we fix US?

[drifter777]

Not so much an "in your face" to WS but a self-esteem boost could be a good thing for certain people. Some BS's feel that "getting even" in the cheating department is something they need in order to balance the scale. Since the vows are broken anyway - why not?

[Popsicle]

Not so much an "in your face" to WS but a self-esteem boost could be a good thing for certain people. Some BS's feel that "getting even" in the cheating department is something they need in order to balance the scale. Since the vows are broken anyway - why not?

 

The reason "why not?" is because you want to reconcile. If you want to reconcile, that's why you shouldn't do it. So deciding if you want to reconcile is the first thing you should think about, IMO.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi katielee,

 

After I re-read my post on RA's and your's I realized I left out a final point, perhaps the most important. So, while I understand some of the why's of a RA and felt the same emotions:

 

Issues are issues, adultery is adultery. The former in no way isa reason or justification for the former. Period.

 

So why I sense a WS might be more understanding then the original BS, if they do love the BS and reconciliation is not the a matter of convenience and practicality, the WS spouse emotional pain in response to a RA is every bit as real and validate as the original BS.

 

So no, the spouse that has a RA needs to work and do the same things as the WS.

[2.50 a gallon]

Reconciliation? Never happen! Once she stepped over the line my marriage was finished.

After D-day I was in such a bottomless pit of darkness I actually wondered whether some day in the future I might be able to laugh again.

And then this pretty face looked down at me and asked if I wanted to come out and play. And I was back flying with the eagles

It was an associate OM's wife

It was one of the most erotic experiences I have ever had and got me back amongst the living

[TX-SC]

Honestly, I think a RA is in many instances quite justifiable. Your wayward spouse gets to have all of the fun and you get nothing but pain? Screw that! Even if I did reconcile, I would make it damn well clear that I have x number of free passes to use or not use sometime in the future. I would determine how many times they had sex to the best of my ability, then that would be my free hall pass number. If she doesn't like it, we can divorce. I wouldn't even call it cheating. At that point the wedding vows are already shattered anyway. Let her feel some pain and jealousy. Let her worry over when it might or might not happen. In other words, share the pain!

 

Actually, in reality I would not R anyway so it's a moot point.

[66Charger]

I had a short EA with the OMs gf, but the only person that was hurt was the gf. I realised that he treated her like dirt and cheated constantly and I was her night in shining armor. Ummm. No. That ended real quickly.

 

What was revenge was not a RA, it was revenge sex. Once I said "see ya", all those "Orbiter best freinds of hers" were now fair game. And her sister too.

 

As bad as that sounds, it was one the best summers of my life. And her worst.

[RecentChange]

I never thought of it as a revenge affair.....

 

But I cheated 5 years after my partner did. I wasn't looking for revenge, and in most ways had recovered from his cheating.

 

But I do have my doubts that I would have gone through with it if he hadn't cheated. In my mind he cheated and we worked through it, so I thought well, we should be able to work through this too. It gave me a license.

 

And with my D day - he kept bringing up his affair, saying that he now knows what it feels like - and its horrible.

 

My intent was never to "show him" what it's like to be on the other side, but that was a consequence of it.

[ShatteredLady]

Thank you all for your answers. I know that a RA could never be the same, the innocence is already gone. After 26 years I KNOW I would only be doing it because of the pain. Oh I just wish there was an answer, a magic potion that could take it all away. Something. Anything. Ugh!

[Jersey born raised]

Nope no answer. Adultery unfair and the pain a BS endures reconciled is unfair. Sometimes you figure at least you got something out of it, a damaged, broken marriage.

[Jersey born raised]

Nope no answer. Adultery is unfair and the pain a BS endures reconciled is unfair. Sometimes you figure at least you got something out of it, a damaged, broken marriage.