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Screwed up really bad - awkward situation. Devastated


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Posted

Hi everyone,

 

I have brought this whole situation onto myself and have made many mistakes along the path. I would appreciate some advice on how to move forward because right now my brain and my heart are pulling me in different directions.

 

I met a girl 2 years ago and we became friends with benefits. She wanted a relationship at first but I didn't want one so we were just friends. We kept on seeing each other every weekend and after a while she pushed for a relationship. I agreed to be in a relationship with her because I did like her company and she was a really good girl to be around. I felt like I should give it a chance. The sex was really good too which helped. A year goes by and I like the girl but I don't feel in love with her...basically I don't feel like I loved her as she did me. A few months later I decided to break off with her after letting her know that I just don't feel it. She was upset and didnt take it well but overall it was a pretty good breakup. Nothing nasty or anything. We agreed to be friends and pretty much we just did the same thing we always did. So we went from FWB to Relationship to FWB again and this went on for slightly over 2 years.

 

She was very attached to me and I could feel it. Even thought I wasnt in an official relationship with her, I didnt want to hurt her by dating and also I didnt want to date because I was happy with her and what we were doing.

After I moved into a condo with 2 rooms, she was over a lot more often because it was closer to her school. She wanted to move in with me in my other room and since it was empty, I agreed after thinking about it for a while. I was very skeptical because I felt like I would be stuck and I wouldn't be able to date. Even a few months before the move in, she lived with me completely as the place was closer to her school. Now she has her own room.

 

A few weeks ago I've been pushing her to join online dating and find someone thinking she would be happy if she finds someone that wants her and that way I can move on and start dating too. I wasn't thinking much about this at the time and I was honestly thinking I wasn't into her so there is no harm. I was thinking sex and hanging out and doing stuff dogether was just that.

 

Well...she met a guy and everything moved super fast afterwards. By second week and third date in she already sleeps with him. The guy is super clingy and very attached and seems to like her a lot. She likes him too. Out of nowhere I started feeling really bad about this whole thing, about losing her. I thought it was jealousy at first but the feeling didn't go away and it got worse. This is the second week since she knows the guy and shes all over him too. Goes to his place all the time. Basically we don't hang out anymore, we don't do anything anymore. It's also awkward since she considers me her best friend and we've been really good with each other for the past 2 years. We shared everything so our friendship is getting destroyed.

 

I'm starting to realize that I have feelings for this girl that I never thought I had. This isn't jealousy anymore and I am devastated. Before yesterday she saw me feeling sad and depressed and we talked about it. I made her cry even though I didn't mean to. She claims its not fair that I do this now and that I want her now when I didn't want her before and that I left her. All true. She says I'm selfish and I can't blame her in this situation. She did at one point say she can break up with that guy and let it go and go back to the way things were so that there is no drama but I told her not to and to do what's happy. (At the time I wasn't sure if my feelings were just jealousy and if I will eventually get over it) Also I'm not sure if she really meant it or just said so because she knew how I would react.

 

I don't know what to do. Every time I talk to her she seems more and more distant. I am losing her by the minute...everytime she hangs out with this guy I lose a bit more of her. There will be nothing left. She is cold to me...forgets everything we had and everything I did for her. I dont mean anything to her anymore and that breaks my heart. I told her I really want to talk and give it some time for us to think about this and see what we can do. I want her to be happy in the end but I wanted her to know my feelings and that if we ever gave it another short I would be different. Now I want her and I know that she has been right for me all along and the relationship will not be like before where I took her for granted. Problem is...she is into this guy a lot at this point and I don't know if she has any feelings left for me. She loved me at one point. She told me she will talk on Tuesday after her exams are over...she will give me that opportunity but she kept insisting her final answer is no.

 

I dont know what to do...but I see a few options in my path:

 

1) Talk to her and let her know how I feel. Be honest with her why I want her back and try to convince her that we can make everything work and since we've been through so much, we can go through anything. Give her time and let her make the choice.

2) Let it go and try to suppress my feelings and stay friends with her.

3) Tell her that she needs to move out because it will be more healthy for both of us and I need to heal. If this happens...everything will be over. Friendship...second chance...everything... Over. It will break my heart to have to do this. I feel if we can't work it out it will come to that eventually. The guy doesnt know she lives with her ex who is also her best friend...not sure if that still applies. He might find out I'm sure and he might force her to move out or start arguments but that won't be my problem. Hence the option of having her move.

 

What should I do? And I know that I did all this to myself. I deserve it all but I am human and I have feelings and I recognize my mistakes.

Posted

What should I do?

 

I'm gonna keep this simple.

 

Read your entire post as if a total stranger wrote it. You have to see it in that objective light. Then be honest as to which of the 3 options you'd advise him to go with, and all will become clear for you.

  • Author
Posted
I'm gonna keep this simple.

 

Read your entire post as if a total stranger wrote it. You have to see it in that objective light. Then be honest as to which of the 3 options you'd advise him to go with, and all will become clear for you.

 

I appreciate you input. I agree completely, trust me. This is a very hard pill to swallow and hence my brain and heart pulling in different directions.

I feel all is lost but at the same time I feel that if there is even a small chance I should go for it so I have no regrets. :o

Posted
This is a very hard pill to swallow

 

I know mate... I was in a very very similar situation (but living 66 miles apart) for 6 1/2 years, and she has now definitely faded away, just like yours has. Then I gave a ****! Reading your post was both painful and comforting for me at the same time.

 

I suppose you could always try one last time to talk to her, but promise yourself that if you don't get the answer you're looking for, then go for option 3 AND STICK TO IT. But my advice is to go straight for option 3. The reason being, I did option 1 five times through that 6 1/2 years, and each time she agreed to try things again. As soon as she did, I soon slipped back into my old self - the one that didn't really care. I believe it's an ego thing.

 

Devastating, isn't it?

Posted

I couldn't go back to anyone.knowing they had sex with someone else in between no matter the circumstances. It would kill me to know that during the time we could be together there wad another person she slept with. On top of this, the fact that you have now feelings for her because she's happy for someone else is just that..jealousy. im NOT sure what makes you think you won't get bothered knowing she was doing him eventhough she had every right in doing so. You're already strrssed by the time they are spending together.

You will get with her just to feel the same you have been with her doing all these years. You should let her be happy and not string her along. She needs to be happy and you aren't making her situation easier.

You aren't taking her seriously though. If she insists the final answer is NO then there you have it. There is nothing to talk about. NO MEANS NO. I'd move out or have her move out. You cant be friends with her and you know it. If he comes over and they are doong it next door you'll feel worse. This thing has burned down its bridges.

Your options are two..either tell how you feel and get burned or move on by staying away from her.

Posted

So you didn't want her all that time, now someone wants her and she is happy and you all of a sudden think she is the love of your life?

 

No.

 

Leave this girl alone.

  • Like 4
Posted

You sound incredibly selfish or you're not telling us something. Perhaps she made you jealous about something else early in your relationship and you've been holding that against her...?

 

Otherwise , please just let her be happy and you go find yourself someone else who just wants to be FWB, since that's all you seem to want.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the input guys, I appreciate it and it makes sense. And no I wouldn't want to get back together with her and be the same. If it was ever going to happen it would have to be serious. But chances are that wont happen and I need to let her go and tell her to move out.

Posted

So another guy wanting her has suddenly given her value, in your eyes.

 

Which means you don't really love her for her (her personality and her essence). Your real interest only got activated because some other guy likes her. I would have a problem with that, if I were her. My husband loved me even when fat & pregnant, tired & bitchy. When no one else would've wanted me. I never doubted his love.

 

Let her go. She should be with a guy that genuinely loves her for the person that she is.

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