jamesbdrummer Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 My girlfriend broke up with me a week ago. She claimed,"You are the embodiment of all the kindness of humanity. I'd be content with you, but I don't think we are good for each other, and I need to find myself. I need someone who shares my passion of cooking." -- of course she was talking about one of her co-workers who was waiting outside the house to drive her to Chattanooga that very second. So she met this guy and they have a connection with one of her passions. We live together, and during a heated exchange after she came back, I told her that I could not live with her and watch her do this. Later that day, I forced myself to come to terms with it and decided that she can go out and be free and maybe she will come back. I told her that this house is sacred space, and we will be ok. No judgement, no animosity. She stays away from the house to give me space to heal, but she is also with this guy constantly. We have one car, so I used to drive her places... now she's picked up by him in the morning, works with him all day, then hangs out with him at bars til the wee hours. I sense rebound, but also worry that she knew she wanted this for a while and was just waiting. I've developed a positive attitude (though it is sometimes a front, just to avoid creating negative feelings and pity between us. We hadn't talked for about 36 hours, and she texted me that she left me a scone and lemonade on the table for when I got home - which are things she used to do when we were deeply in love. I just get this weird push-pull vibe. I feel in control when I pull away and she reaches out, but I fold once she gives me any attention, and I'm back where I started. 2 steps forward, one step back. Honestly, I'm not fussed that she may be on the rebound, I am fussed that it might not be a rebound. I'm just gonna be patient and give her the space she needs. any insight or advice would be cool. Thanks 2
Satu Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 It's your own behaviour that you need to understand. She is doing what she thinks is best for her. Thats all the analysis thats needed. What matters now is: Your hopes Your dreams Your fears Your health Your successes and failures Your creativity Your ability to adapt to changed circumstances Your relationships with the other people in your life; friends, family work colleagues, neighbours, etc. Invest in yourself. Thats always guaranteed to bring you a good return for your investment. Self-knowledge and self-actualisation trumps everything else. Take care. 1
LostOnes05 Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 So, umm...why does she still live with you if she broke up with you? Share her passion of cooking? Wtf?...you should have turned the tv to The Food Network and said now I get it!! And now I get the keys to my place!! Sidenote: Who came up with that "I need to find myself" line? I'd love to send them something special that rhymes with bird. 1
RecentChange Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 So.... Why are you still living together while split up? That's unsustainable. Does she have plans to move? Who's place is it? 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 You need to not live together anymore. She's test-driving a new guy while you sit around at home, hoping she'll come back. You're way too nice and weak here, OP. The scone and lemonade are her guilt speaking. She doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy. Especially if she's living in your place - is that the case? Whose house is it? I'd tell her to get the hell out or I'd get myself the hell out immediately. 1
Satu Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 Living together in this way is going to make everything harder.
elaine567 Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 We live together, and during a heated exchange after she came back, I told her that I could not live with her and watch her do this. Later that day, I forced myself to come to terms with it and decided that she can go out and be free and maybe she will come back. I told her that this house is sacred space, and we will be ok. No judgement, no animosity. OK if it her house you need to leave, if it is your house she needs to leave and if you have some sort of joint arrangement it needs sorted out. Unless of course you want to live your life with your gf popping back and forth with random guys she "shares a passion with", then you need to take some action here.
jen1447 Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 Honestly, I'm not fussed that she may be on the rebound, I am fussed that it might not be a rebound. I'm just gonna be patient and give her the space she needs. any insight or advice would be cool. Thanks She broke up w/you while her her new date was waiting outside to take her on a date? Wow, that's brazen. It's almost incomprehensible to me that two ppl as far along as being in a domestic situation together could have sth like that happen. Anyway sorry but there's no coming back from this, no recovering the respect necessary for equal footing. If she's willing to break up that way and willing to let you writhe around in this living situation while she openly dates, it means she has profoundly little respect for you, and someone who goes that low in the respect department never gets it back in a way sufficient to re-establish a healthy relationship. So there's nothing to be patient for here. The only way you can recover respect now is a dignity grab for yourself, and that means putting her out if it's your place, getting out immediately if it's hers, or ending any mutual ownership/payment arrangement asap. Srsly, I mean like today. btw, "you are the embodiment of all the kindness of humanity. I'd be content with you, but I don't think we are good for each other, and I need to find myself" actually just means "I've found someone better and I'm taking my shot." Not trying to beat you up here but you need to understand just how bad this is.
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