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My partner is divorcing catholic crazy woman with two small children

smallpumpkin

By smallpumpkin
in The Other Man / Woman

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smallpumpkin New Member

smallpumpkin

Posted
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My boyfriend (33,m) and I (25,w) have been a couple for four months now. He broke up with his very catholic wife he had been unhappy with right from the start (both were very young and stupid) few weeks before becoming a couple with me, and also I broke up with my ex girlfriend only shortly before dating him. He and his not divorce-willing (catholic, remember) (hopefully-)soon-to-be-ex-wife have two children (4 and 7) (pope forbids contraception, but "God" luckily was not very generous in sending children). I have never met them, and neither him nor me want to expose me to them. I have, in fact, only seen one photo of them because his ex thought it would be fun to redecorate their then still common flat with signs of their "big love" (e.g. wedding candle, or a family photo) after being physically violent. Other than that, we are a normal fresh couple: totally in love, introducing each other to friends and family (not my parents, they're catholic and still think he is "not trustworthy" because "leaving his family behind"), and can talk about everything, really everything. I don't really care about the fact that he is technically still married, I see divorce as an administrative thing he has to go through, I'm supporting him as a friend would and suffer with him as a partner would. But what is freaking me out is the offspring. Even if I will not meet them in the next 5, maybe 10, years, the mere fact that he already reproduced is something that makes me feel very weird when it comes to my mind. The media tells me that "children are the most important thing" and "nothing is bigger than a parent's love" and "having children is the most special thing that can ever happen to you" and "they will be there forever". This is something that sounds severe, but I cannot relate to it at all. When talking about them like an administrative thing, like visiting an old aunt in the old people house, I'm fine, but when he tells me something about them, they become human and I feel bad.

 

Does anyone of you have experience with such a situation? How did you deal with feelings connected to your partner's descendants?

  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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I think you are not ready to be in a relationship with a man who has kids. Although you have not yet met them someday you will have to meet them. You will most probably have to do a lot for them. If you can't deal, don't get involved.

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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Why would you not meet them for 5-10 years? Are you planning to be somewhere else when he has his kids for the weekend?

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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You can't have a relationship with parts of a person. It's the whole package, or nothing.

 

His kids are part of the package...

  • Like 5
anika99 Established Member

anika99

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I think you are not ready to be in a relationship with a man who has kids. Although you have not yet met them someday you will have to meet them. You will most probably have to do a lot for them. If you can't deal, don't get involved.

 

 

 

Agreed. OP considering your cold hearted contemptuous attitude towards your bf's children I don't think you should even be involved with him. Find someone without kids. Also I have to question the principles and integrity of your bf. What kind of a man get seriously involved with someone who can't even meet his children? He doesn't sound like a very good father.

 

 

He left his wife and you left your gf? are you a gay male or a lesbian? If your bf has just come out to his wife as a gay man then she is understandably devastated and shocked. Maybe you could have a little compassion for her too.

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13Hearts Established Member

13Hearts

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He doesn't want you around his children because children talk. To their mothers.

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ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

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I agree if you are already having issues and you are both not even in a proper relationship yet, it can only get worse :(

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smallpumpkin New Member

smallpumpkin

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He does not see his offspring as "part of the package". He is still his very own person. I of course am not ready for children - but as long as I don't have to meet them, it should be doable. Still I have negative feelings connected to their existence and am looking for ways to deal with that.

 

There are several reasons why I will not meet them in the foreseeable future: It would be bad for me, because already like this they freak me out, it would be confusing for them, because who is this woman hugging their father and not speaking a language they understand (there are in total 3 different nationalities involved), and it would be stressful for him. Probably it would also be horrible for his ex, if they come home and tell her how I am. On top of that, I dislike children in general and don't know how to behave around them.

 

Of course I will meet them some day, if our relationships really lasts. But then much time will have passed and I will be emotionally prepared. But this is theory, I would like to hear from someone who has been through a similar thing and can share experience on how it can work (or how it definitely doesn't).

 

To answer other questions/remarks: I do not question his integrity. For me he proved that he's trustworthy. After many years of not taking care about himself, he finally starts living his own life, including a girlfriend who actually cared about him (and not just some imaginary best friend inspired by an old book). About myself, I am a bisexual woman.

ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

Posted
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He does not see his offspring as "part of the package". He is still his very own person. I of course am not ready for children - but as long as I don't have to meet them, it should be doable. Still I have negative feelings connected to their existence and am looking for ways to deal with that.

 

There are several reasons why I will not meet them in the foreseeable future: It would be bad for me, because already like this they freak me out, it would be confusing for them, because who is this woman hugging their father and not speaking a language they understand (there are in total 3 different nationalities involved), and it would be stressful for him. Probably it would also be horrible for his ex, if they come home and tell her how I am. On top of that, I dislike children in general and don't know how to behave around them.

Of course I will meet them some day, if our relationships really lasts. But then much time will have passed and I will be emotionally prepared. But this is theory, I would like to hear from someone who has been through a similar thing and can share experience on how it can work (or how it definitely doesn't).

 

To answer other questions/remarks: I do not question his integrity. For me he proved that he's trustworthy. After many years of not taking care about himself, he finally starts living his own life, including a girlfriend who actually cared about him (and not just some imaginary best friend inspired by an old book). About myself, I am a bisexual woman.

 

How does he feel about your feelings about children/his children? I would be very concerned if I had kids and my partner felt this way. It honestly would be a dealbreaker for me. My kids are #1.

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Ms. Faust Established Member

Ms. Faust

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Just from what you have said, I don't think you have any business being with a person who has children.

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Sub Established Member

Sub

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I feel bad for the "offspring".

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smallpumpkin New Member

smallpumpkin

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He is the same, he also dislikes other people's offspring. :laugh: It is okay for him that I complain when a tiny stranger is crying in the supermarket, etc. I don't think he connects that to his personal gene mixtures, since I will not meet them any time soon.

 

Ah, I forgot, I was asked for compassion with his ex. I do have that. I know catholic rules, they doom her to be single for the rest of your life. You cannot marry twice, unless you are widowed. But, you know, if she would have been a halfway reasonable partner, he would still be with her. And this has nothing to do with religion. You can't disrespect someone for years and then expect this person to stay just because he signed a paper in church.

BlueIris Established Member

BlueIris

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You don’t know her at all. You’re blindly accepting the tale of a man you met a couple of weeks after he left his family.

Maybe pull back on the snarky condemnation of her. It’s not a good look.

  • Like 10
TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

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He is the same, he also dislikes other people's offspring. :laugh: It is okay for him that I complain when a tiny stranger is crying in the supermarket, etc. I don't think he connects that to his personal gene mixtures, since I will not meet them any time soon.

 

Ah, I forgot, I was asked for compassion with his ex. I do have that. I know catholic rules, they doom her to be single for the rest of your life. You cannot marry twice, unless you are widowed. But, you know, if she would have been a halfway reasonable partner, he would still be with her. And this has nothing to do with religion. You can't disrespect someone for years and then expect this person to stay just because he signed a paper in church.

 

I'm Catholic, I've been married 3 times. And I'm Italian, too.

You're being fed a lot of BS on that score....

 

And frankly, I wouldn't WANT you near my children with your attitude.

If you get the creeps and freak at the thought of him having children - you really need to back off and leave this situation.

Not that it will last, anyway.

Sooner or later, you'll get itchy feet and fancy being with a woman again.

Quite naturally, I don't or wouldn't blame you for that. That's cool.

But your fidelity would be pushed to the limit. It's ususal for those with a foot in both camps.

As it were.

 

No, in your shoes, I'd leave.

Too much drama. You really want to work that hard?

  • Like 5
wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

Posted
Posted (edited)
He does not see his offspring as "part of the package". He is still his very own person. I of course am not ready for children - but as long as I don't have to meet them, it should be doable. Still I have negative feelings connected to their existence and am looking for ways to deal with that.

 

There are several reasons why I will not meet them in the foreseeable future: It would be bad for me, because already like this they freak me out, it would be confusing for them, because who is this woman hugging their father and not speaking a language they understand (there are in total 3 different nationalities involved), and it would be stressful for him. Probably it would also be horrible for his ex, if they come home and tell her how I am. On top of that, I dislike children in general and don't know how to behave around them.

 

Of course I will meet them some day, if our relationships really lasts. But then much time will have passed and I will be emotionally prepared. But this is theory, I would like to hear from someone who has been through a similar thing and can share experience on how it can work (or how it definitely doesn't).

 

To answer other questions/remarks: I do not question his integrity. For me he proved that he's trustworthy. After many years of not taking care about himself, he finally starts living his own life, including a girlfriend who actually cared about him (and not just some imaginary best friend inspired by an old book). About myself, I am a bisexual woman.

 

 

If you are just viewing ths relationship as a fun, probably temporary thing, there is no real problem.

 

If you are viewing t for the long term there are quite a few-

(a) you and his, and his family's, religious beliefs don't mix. It might not seem to matter now, but it will later down the road.

 

(b) Your views towards his children. These will come back to bite you in the rear. Unless he is a cold hearted person, his children mean a lot to him, and if he senses you don't like them, want nothing to do with them, or are even just ambivalent about them, that will tell. Again, he may not seem to care right now, but he will.

 

© Your view of his wife. Yes, he is technically still married,but his actions are all on him. Stop trying to paint her as some sort of evil does. He thought enough of her to reproduce with her ( and many Catholics most certainly DO practice birth control, in spite of what the pope says). Obviously, his beliefs are't that strong if he is willing to divorce and get involved in what his church considers to be adultery.

 

(d) You are he really do sound like have very different lifestyles and views, and again, this will come back to haunt you sooner or later.

 

In all honesty, he sounds like he's using you as the next branch to swing to, but once he feels free of his ex-wife, he may want to see what else is out there. I'm not saying don;t keep seeing him, just guard your heart and emotions until you see what his intentions really are. Right now, he may not even know himself.

Edited by wmacbride
  • Like 2
anika99 Established Member

anika99

Posted
Posted
He does not see his offspring as "part of the package". He is still his very own person. I of course am not ready for children - but as long as I don't have to meet them, it should be doable. Still I have negative feelings connected to their existence and am looking for ways to deal with that.

 

There are several reasons why I will not meet them in the foreseeable future: It would be bad for me, because already like this they freak me out, it would be confusing for them, because who is this woman hugging their father and not speaking a language they understand (there are in total 3 different nationalities involved), and it would be stressful for him. Probably it would also be horrible for his ex, if they come home and tell her how I am. On top of that, I dislike children in general and don't know how to behave around them.

 

Of course I will meet them some day, if our relationships really lasts. But then much time will have passed and I will be emotionally prepared. But this is theory, I would like to hear from someone who has been through a similar thing and can share experience on how it can work (or how it definitely doesn't).

 

To answer other questions/remarks: I do not question his integrity. For me he proved that he's trustworthy. After many years of not taking care about himself, he finally starts living his own life, including a girlfriend who actually cared about him (and not just some imaginary best friend inspired by an old book). About myself, I am a bisexual woman.

 

 

By the bolded I would say that your bf is in a very selfish frame of mind right now. That could be because he has suddenly gotten a taste of what he has been missing and he wants more of that, children be damned, or it could be because he's just an inherently selfish person. Nobody knows, not even you, as this is still a very new relationship and takes a long time to truly know somebody.

 

 

If he is a basically decent person then as his resentment towards his wife fades and as he sees his children growing up without him, he will have second thoughts about being involved with a woman who doesn't even like his kids. He will wonder what kind of future can he have with someone who doesn't even want to meet his kids, let alone be a loving step-mom. If he's not decent then I guess he won't mind settling for a woman who doesn't accept his children. Which is good for you and him but very sad for his children.

  • Like 8
whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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You can start by when you refer to his children, call them his children, not the offspring. Makes it sound like they aren't actually living breathing little humans.

 

If you don't enjoy or like kids, fine, be honest with him about it, but some day it will be an issue. He and his kids ARE a package deal, like it or not.

  • Like 8
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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first of all the church is softening its stance on divorce so she's not doomed to anything.

 

Whether you or your BF think the kids are "part of the package" they are. If you are not ready for kids don't date a man who has kids.

 

I understand not immediately introducing the very young kids to daddy's new GF before the ink is even dry on the divorce, but you can't ignore them forever .

 

What is going to happen when he has to break a date with you because their is an emergency with the kids? What will happen if something tragic happens to the mom & all of sudden, like it or not, dad gets custody because there is no more mom?

 

If he has kids & that fact makes you uncomfortable, walk away now. It's not like he has the option of breaking up with his kids.

  • Like 5
IfWishesWereHorses Established Member

IfWishesWereHorses

Posted
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If you are just viewing ths relationship as a fun, probably temporary thing, there is no real problem.

 

If you are viewing t for the long term there are quite a few-

(a) you and his, and his family's, religious beliefs don't mix. It might not seem to matter now, but it will later down the road.

 

(b) Your views towards his children. These will come back to bite you in the rear. Unless he is a cold hearted person, his children mean a lot to him, and if he senses you don't like them, want nothing to do with them, or are even just ambivalent about them, that will tell. Again, he may not seem to care right now, but he will.

 

© Your view of his wife. Yes, he is technically still married,but his actions are all on him. Stop trying to paint her as some sort of evil does. He thought enough of her to reproduce with her ( and many Catholics most certainly DO practice birth control, in spite of what the pope says). Obviously, his beliefs are't that strong if he is willing to divorce and get involved in what his church considers to be adultery.

 

(d) You are he really do sound like have very different lifestyles and views, and again, this will come back to haunt you sooner or later.

 

In all honesty, he sounds like he's using you as the next branch to swing to, but once he feels free of his ex-wife, he may want to see what else is out there. I'm not saying don;t keep seeing him, just guard your heart and emotions until you see what his intentions really are. Right now, he may not even know himself.

 

I agree with this. I don't think he cares that you don't like kids because he doesn't see you as a potential long term mate, rather someone who fulfills he needs at the moment. That's fine as long as you don't get hurt.

 

If you read on the boards you'll see talk of different types of affairs. This sounds like an exit affair, where the WS seeks comfort, support and companionship from someone to deal with the major life change. Unfortunately, in these types of affairs the WS usually leaves the AP once they're on there feet and searched for a more compatible mate.

 

One last thought, IF you were to meet his children then you certainly would not be so insensitive as to be hanging on their father. You would be introduced as a friend.

 

It also is never easy building a relationship with many different cultural aspects and families that aren't completely onboard with the situation. Not impossible but challenging at best.

 

Time will certainly tell though.

  • Like 2
rainbowsandkittens Established Member

rainbowsandkittens

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Did you honestly refer to his children as his 'personal gene mixtures'?

Edited by rainbowsandkittens
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Ms. Faust Established Member

Ms. Faust

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Did you honestly refer to his children as his 'personal gene mixtures'?

 

Anything to dehumanize them, I guess. =\

  • Like 3
Sub Established Member

Sub

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Did you honestly refer to his children as his 'personal gene mixtures'?

 

This is the board for Other Male/Female Personal Gene Mixtures.

  • Like 4
IfWishesWereHorses Established Member

IfWishesWereHorses

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Anything to dehumanize them, I guess. =\

 

I was hoping it was a language barrier!

  • Like 2
minimariah Established Member

minimariah

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you won't meet his kids in 2 cases:

a. you won't live together &

b. he's going to be a deadbeat.

 

that's really it.

  • Like 2
Civil Member

Civil

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This is just too packed with provocation, and your language is too deliberately disconnected from baseline emotional realities to ring true.

 

Your MM is "technically married", "divorce is administrative". You refer to your (professed) loved one's children as "offspring", "descendants" or "personal gene mixtures" who are not "part of the package". And you needed media to pick up the notion that some people value children? Oh.

 

But if this is sincere, do step quickly away from relationships and into serious psychiatric care. It'll be all about you.

  • Like 8
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