First boyfriend, 9 year relationship over

[Unsur]

Hi guys. Broke up with my ex a month ago. We were 16 when we met and I'm 25 now. I don't know how to cope, he was everything, I built my life around him and he was the only constant person in my life. I guess I was quite clingy but I was getting better at giving him space and often encouraged him to go out (he never did but now thats all he seems to do...).

 

It was sort of a mutual break up. He wasn't showing any signs of wanting to commit to me, I think that he was "future faker" and I finally got fed up with it. He never showed affection, never wanted to do anything and I could just tell that he didn't really love me anymore so I brought it up and broke it off. I guess I was hoping that he would try to find a solution, but he was all too happy for it to end and when I realized that I also thought it was for the best. Obviously in hindsight it was a very dysfunctional/co-dependent relationship.

 

I don't want to get back together with him, we have broken up at least 3 times before (all him) and now any trust that I might have been clinging on to has completely gone. I've been in NC for a month but my heartbreak seems to be getting worse as it goes on. I'm desperate to hear anything from him but I don't think it will come.

 

I just don't know what to do with life now... all I've known was him. I don't have any family or friends and I'm too shy to go out and make some. Dating terrifies me even though I'm not looking to do that yet. I guess I'm feeling lost, I feel like this won't get any better. He was my best friend and now he's nothing to me, that feels horrible.

 

Sorry... I don't even know why I'm posting. I feel pathetic. I can't cope.

Edited March 11, 2016 by Unsur

[heartbrokenoff]

Hi guys. Broke up with my ex a month ago. We were 16 when we met and I'm 25 now. I don't know how to cope, he was everything, I built my life around him and he was the only constant person in my life. I guess I was quite clingy but I was getting better at giving him space and often encouraged him to go out (he never did but now thats all he seems to do...).

 

It was sort of a mutual break up. He wasn't showing any signs of wanting to commit to me, I think that he was "future faker" and I finally got fed up with it. He never showed affection, never wanted to do anything and I could just tell that he didn't really love me anymore so I brought it up and broke it off. I guess I was hoping that he would try to find a solution, but he was all too happy for it to end and when I realized that I also thought it was for the best. Obviously in hindsight it was a very dysfunctional/co-dependent relationship.

 

I don't want to get back together with him, we have broken up at least 3 times before (all him) and now any trust that I might have been clinging on to has completely gone. I've been in NC for a month but my heartbreak seems to be getting worse as it goes on. I'm desperate to hear anything from him but I don't think it will come.

 

I just don't know what to do with life now... all I've known was him. I don't have any family or friends and I'm too shy to go out and make some. Dating terrifies me even though I'm not looking to do that yet. I guess I'm feeling lost, I feel like this won't get any better. He was my best friend and now he's nothing to me, that feels horrible.

 

Sorry... I don't even know why I'm posting. I feel pathetic. I can't cope.

 

 

Hi there, i was like you, with my 1st love for 13 years. on the 11th year she had EA and basically after that her feeling for me is no longer the same. When the 1st incident happen, i was lost and extremely down. I was begging her not to break up with me and we both went for counseling(it didnt help). The affections to me is not the same anymore and just this mth, she had another affair and likely it was full blown PA. I was devastated again but this time i chose to do the NC.

 

 

My relationship, im more of giver, while she is more of reciever. I always tried my best to provide for her within my capability and never have i expecting this to be happened to me.My friends are mostly married and during weekend, the mood will get even down when im alone. I really hope this heartbreak can pass thru quickly.

 

You are not alone in this situation. I know how exactly you feel. Sometimes, time will be your emotion wreck, Just as time can heal your broken heart.

[FlipMonkey]

I've also come through something similar, now about 6 months out of a 10 year co-dependant relationship.

 

You are definitely not alone in how you feel - I remember the first week I was just numb and in shock, and then at the one month mark I had very similar feelings - feeling worthless, that the future wasn't going to be any good, lost and without direction.

 

The good news is that each and every day things will improve - it's all just time. You also need to give yourself a pat on the back - finding the courage and strength to leave such a long relationship is an amazing feat, and you've shown an amazing amount of strength of character to do so - you've chosen to look after YOU and choose what is right for YOU.

 

Don't worry about dating or the future right now - this time is for YOU. It's time to reconnect with yourself and in a way 'date' yourself. Take some time out to relax and enjoy your own company, find some activity that you want to enjoy with YOU and do it. It's not easy at first and you do have to push yourself, but it's so worth it once you do.

 

Are you exercising at all? It's so cliché, but in my case, and everyone else's that I've spoken to, some exercise can make all the difference. I started off with walking about an hour each day and just getting outside to enjoy the scenery and some time in the outdoors. This was a great release for me and did so much to calm myself. This has lead to fitness being a hobby for me now, but you definitely don't need to do this, just get some time outdoors.

 

Do you have any other hobbies or things you've always wanted to do? You might not want to do them right now, but start looking into them and make plans. Spend some time with YOU doing these things.

 

Also pat yourself on the back for reaching out and putting yourself out there - it's not an easy thing to admit you're in pain either, and you've done that and at least sought some help and contact with others. This is healthy behaviour and shows that you're already working on yourself.

 

The next 3-6 months will be hard, but it will always keep getting better from here - it'll be a rollercoaster of emotions, but the lows will stop being so low, and they'll get shorter too.

 

And it may not seem like it now, but this is an amazing time to begin to get in touch with yourself and build a new YOU - you have no one else you need to worry about or try to please so you have freedom to experience all that life has to offer. You've still got another 60+ years of life to enjoy, so you're just at the beginning!

 

I'll share one little story that I hope illustrates that life will just happen if you let it - during one of my walks in the early days, I was basically balling my eyes out constantly and just a wreck. I still got out of the house and went for a walk though. I stopped at a shopping centre to grab a snack, and whilst sitting there eating my food, an older woman just started talking to me, and asked how my day was. I lied as I wasn't ready to admit my pain to a stranger at that point, but I did say where I was walking to and what I was planning to do. She showed interest and we just got talking about her day as well. That 5 minutes of conversation was an amazing point in my life - by simply getting out there and continuing to live my life, I was shown that life does go on, and there's many other random people to connect to and talk to, and basically life isn't ending - it's just beginning.

 

So trust in the universe, believe in you and take some time out right now to look after yourself. You don't need to achieve or do anything right now, besides maintaining NC, which you also need to thank yourself for - you've done a great job maintaining it for a month, and I think it took me 2 months to reach NC.

 

Do let us know what hobbies or things interest you! It'd be interesting to know what things in life bring you joy

[Unsur]

Thank you so much for your response, it has definitely made me feel like I'm not alone in this. I always felt we were special for being together so long and being each others firsts, I didn't think that there would be any hope but reading your reply has made me feel better.

 

Actually I'm doing much the same as you. I walk for a couple of hours a day and I'm also swimming three times a week. This is completely new as I didn't exercise at all before and I do admit it's something that I really love. Nature has always calmed me and it's great being outside. As for other hobbies, I don't have much. I read and I've been spending time in the library, I guess just being near people is enough for me right now. I think once I've slimmed down a bit (put on quite a bit of weight in the relationship) and gained confidence then I will start looking at other hobbies. I used to horse ride so I might do that and I've been thinking about going rock wall climbing but I'm not ready for them yet.

 

I'm just going through so many different emotions and mood swings, it can be unbearable sometimes but I suppose if I continue doing what I am then they will start to lessen.

 

Thank you both for showing me I'm not alone.

[FlipMonkey]

It's great to hear that you're already looking after yourself and looking after YOU. You've even got a great plan with starting with small things first, and then working up to the bigger hobbies later - you'll know when you're ready to give them a go.

 

That feeling about it being special is hard to shake, and even now 7 months later, I still have doubts and that I might have missed 'the one'. Know that this is just a trick of your mind (just chemicals in it!) as an old response to keep a mate to protect/provide for you. Stick with your NC - it's the only way to keep moving forward - my NC gets broken every couple of months, and I tell you that it does set you back a bit, but at least with time it's easier each time NC gets broken. The feeling will lesson, and one day you'll look back and have a bit of a laugh at this all, PLUS you'll meet an amazing person who'll be much better person for you!

 

You're absolutely right about the mood swings starting to lessen - just give yourself time and show yourself kindness and love.

 

The other thing to look forward to is that once you get out there a bit and start enjoying your hobbies, you will begin to naturally start talking to other people again and gain even more confidence!

[Els]

Sorry to hear that, OP. I'm glad you're taking it so well and continuing to take care of yourself, though.

 

I think you shouldn't worry about dating for now, focus on yourself and your career/hobbies/people you love, and build your own life. If someone special comes into it, then things might happen naturally, but otherwise don't terrify yourself over the thought of going out and dating, especially so soon after the breakup.

 

All the best!