Been with my girlfriend for 1 year. Having doubts concerning a past open relationship

[AndresF]

This is WAY longer than I expected, but please read it in it's entirety because I'm really hoping to get some perspective on my dilemma.

 

Hi, so I’ve been reading threads for the past few days, looking for info about open relationships and so far I haven’t found a post that resembles my case, so here I go.

 

I apologize in advance for poor grammar/verb conjugation/phrasing, English is a second language.

 

First, a little info about me. I’m extremely shy. You have no idea how shy I am. It’s not extreme to the point of social anxiety, but I sometimes find it hard to approach people when I have to, even if it’s nothing serious. I never dated during my teen years as I spent most of my adolescence gaming/playing basketball/hanging out with friends, who were mostly non-daters just like me. About a year ago I started dating a wonderful woman I met 2 years ago. I was extremely nervous when I asked her out but she was like “What took you so long?”. Our relationship is very loving and beautiful and I don’t want to be with anyone else, but these past few weeks I’ve been feeling weird and distant. You see… 3 years ago I was part of a threesome relationship of sorts.

 

Back in 2013 I had just turned 23 and I was starting to come out of my shell a little bit. I was becoming more sociable but still hadn't dated. I was majoring in Electronical Engineer in Telecommunications and through class I met a 23-year-old man that shared a lot of interests with me: music, movies, literature, etc (at this point I wasn’t a gamer anymore; it took too much of my time). He was studying Electronical Engineer in Automatization so we were going to share classes only until some point. We immediately connected, in a platonic way. We started hanging out before and after class, and doing assignments and projects together. A couple of weeks into the semester I met his Gf and I was positively stunned… she was gorgeous and we also had a lot of common ground. The three of us started hanging out together and it felt like we had been friends since forever. They were very liberal and free-spirited, and even though I’m not quite like them, I felt right at home.

 

One weekend I dropped by his place to finish a project. I arrived at about 1pm and by 5pm we were done. I was about to leave but he invited me to stay for dinner. His girlfriend arrived later and his mom made dinner for all of us (his father doesn't live with them). This was the first we connected as a threesome, eating and laughing and having a great time. Weeks later he celebrated his birthday in a night club and invited me. I had never been in a club before and I definitely didn’t know know how to dance, but I still went, hoping to dance with his girlfriend, who had been devouring my fantasies since the first time we met. I had a lot of fun and actually got to dance with her, but it was all friendly. We kept growing closer to the point where we were regularly seeing each other and eating out. Despite my fears, I never felt like a third wheel.

 

About 3 months into the semester I started noticing his girlfriend was being flirty around me: talking directly to me when we were in a group, smiling a lot, playfully grabbing my hand/forearm/shoulder. At first I told myself that I was just seeing things. After all, I had a huge crush on her, so any excuse to think that she liked me was good enough for me. But then I noticed how she wasn’t like that with other people, not even her girlfriends, and my head started spinning in happiness, but I also knew that there was no way I was going to get in the middle of my best friend’s relationship, so I was ultimately heart-broken. I started avoiding contact with him outside the class room because I knew she would be there. My friend, however, kept wanting to hang out and kept inviting me to parties and stuff. You have to understand, this was the first time since high school that I was “part of something” so, naive as it sounds, I didn’t want to lose it. So I said to myself that I wasn’t going to fall for her, and kept hanging with them. This lasted like 2 weeks… and then I fell for her, and him, I guess.

 

One Saturday we were at his place. She put on some music and wanted to dance, but my friend declined. At first I refused (bro code or whatever, I don’t know), but she insisted and we danced together. It was kind of a slow ballad so I was uncomfortable AND thrilled at the same time. I mean, my friend was right there, but it was all innocent.

 

We hung out for a few hours. Later I called a cab and when it arrived I said goodbye to my friend and he waved back while going up the stairs. When I said goodbye to her she hugged me (which was not rare), but instead of kissing me on the cheek, she gave a peck on the lips. I was petrified, scared ****less of the possibility of my friend seeing us, but he didn’t. She smiled at me and I left. She kept being flirty around me but it wasn’t until a couple of weeks later that things escalated to a whole new level. Again, we were hanging by his house (his mom wasn’t there) when my friend stood in the middle of the room and said “[insert my name], you know we like you, right?”. It took me by surprise but I nodded. Then he said “The thing is, we like you a lot” and sat beside me, and then his girlfriend sat on the other side, kind of cornering me. I looked at them, now seriously scared, and said “What’s going on here?”. He said “There’s something she wants to tell you”, barely containing his laughter. I looked at her, confused, and she kissed me. I immediately broke the kiss and my friend laughed pretty hard. I was very confused.

“Don’t worry, it’s OK, relax”, she said, and he nodded. Then she kissed me again and we started making out. Then he kissed on the cheek and we eventually made out. I hadn’t ever contemplated the possibility of being homosexual, much less bisexual. That day we only made out, but when I returned home, I was so confused. I seriously thought “Did this really happen?” and my stomach felt sick (I kind of felt the butterflies but the situation was so weird I wasn’t sure what I was feeling).

 

The next time we met he explained to me that for months they had both been looking for someone (of either sex) to have an open relationship with, even before the semester started, which was before he knew me. He asked me if I was willing to be that person, and said that I had no idea, I mean, I hadn’t even dated traditionally and suddenly I was in the middle of an open relationship, it was like… sensory overload. He also said that when we met, he texted his girlfriend saying something like “I might have someone”, and that a couple of days after meeting me, she said “This is our man!”.

 

I asked for some time to think and he said that it was OK and that I shouldn’t feel any pressure. A couple of days later I woke up and the first thing I thought was “WTF am I doing? This is the opportunity of a lifetime!” I called him and told him that I was their man. From then on things escalated quickly. I lost my virginity to her while he was right beside me. I must say it was quite a peculiar experience, but an extremely enjoyable one, nonetheless. Between me and him there was oral, kissing and caressing, no penetration.

 

The whole thing didn’t last more than 3 months, but they were the most unpredictable, exciting and exhilarating 3 months I’ve ever lived. We never “dated” properly, only in large groups of people, but never just the 3 of us. Despite enjoying it deeply, it was very bittersweet because I knew I wasn’t her boyfriend, which is what I really wanted. Sometimes after we were done, we would all sleep in the same bed, but they would cuddle and I ended up on the other side feeling like an idiot.

 

There was only one time when I truly felt like her boyfriend. We were in bed but my friend was sleeping with his head on her shoulder. Neither of us were sleepy so we just started talking, about everything. Our day, our hopes, our fears, why we liked each other, how hilarious this thing had gotten and everything in between. I felt really connected to her, like I had never felt with anyone before. Between chatter, we would occasionally make out and then keep talking. Then my friend rolled over and turned his back on us, still sleeping. We kept making out and eventually had sex, right beside him. Strangely enough, this was the first time I had ever had sex one-on-one. Also, he never woke up, so I still feel kind of guilty, like we… cheated on him?

 

Anyway, it didn’t last long after that. She started her internship so we couldn’t hang out with her anymore. We did had some weekend sessions here and there, but it eventually waned out. By the next semester we weren’t sharing classes anymore and even though I ran into them a couple times, it was over.

 

I’m sorry for how long this has been, friends, it’s just that this is something I’ve wanted to get off my chest for a long time. I don’t feel guilty about it, on the contrary, I think experimenting with my sexuality in such a way has had a very positive impact on my self-esteem and overall character, but lately things have gotten serious (in a good way) between my girlfriend and I, so I'm uncertain as to whether or not I should disclose this to her, considering how the honeymoon phase is over and we are starting to get to know each other in a deeper way.

 

Ultimately, what I miss probably the warmth of two bodies instead of one. We’ve been a steady couple for 10 months now and we’re very much in love, but in the past few weeks I feel like I miss “the good old days”.

 

My girlfriend is very open-minded, but I don’t know how she would react to this. Also, we’ve talked about past experiences and I said that my first time was casual sex with a girl I dated for a short time (which is vague enough to be true and false at the same time, but a lie nonetheless), because I sure as hell wasn't going to drop this bomb on her while we were still getting to know each other, so telling her this now might make her think that I’m hiding something else.

 

In the end, this feeling will probably fade away with time, but right now I’m confused as to what I feel and just want to see if someone has gone through something similar. Have you ever been in a open relationship? What was it like? Was it difficult to have a monogamous relationship later? I really want to know what you think because I don’t trust anyone with this information, so I want to get some thoughts to kind of sort my feelings out and get some perspective about something that has had a lasting impact in my life.

 

TL;DR: This was so long, I'm sorry! My first relationship ever was an open one and now I have polarizing feelings about my relationship with my girlfriend. Any advice?

[road]

Are you done with men?

 

 

If yes then there is no need to talk about your past.

[AndresF]

Are you done with men?

 

 

If yes then there is no need to talk about your past.

Yes, I don't think I'll ever be with another man, it doesn't really interests me anymore.

 

I feel that I should tell her because she's been very honest with me, telling me things about her past that are really hard to admit to anyone, so I want us to be fully transparent with each other.

 

Do you have any idea as to how I could create the right circumstances for me to tell this to her?

[jofor]

I understand why your confused. If I can say so, I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you were a little lonely and interested in the girl. She or perhaps they seduced you. Could it be that you were taken advantage of ?

I am not sure if this relationship was recent or not, but I would encourage you not to jump into another relationship very quickly. I think you have been injured and like all trauma it will take time to heal.

We all need people and friends around us. Is there someone you could confide with about this issue, someone you know would keep it to themselves and could offer good advice? Perhaps your school offers counseling.

I dont know if this is really the advice you were looking for, but lets face it, sex is a powerful thing. It has a strong effect on us and can be addictive. I believe sex can and does bring people emotionally together, not just physically. It causes changes in our brain.

I would venture to guess that everyone wants is to be intimate with people and share on a deep emotional level. But real intimacy has very little to do our sex organs. In fact sex too early in a relationship can short circuit the emotional bonding process. The very thing we are looking for can be lost if sex starts at the wrong time.

[HereNorThere]

No matter how open-minded your girlfriend is, I would be very, very careful about disclosing your bi sexual past experiences with her. For some women, it can be an absolute turn off. Of course not all women are this way, but you cannot accurately predict her reaction. Also, if she is a monogamous person, your previous non-monogamy might be perceived as having incompatible values.

 

Honestly, it sounds to me like you might have been taken advantage of in a way. It sounds like you were a little desperate for this woman's attention and did what you had to do to connect with her. If it was a great experience, but one you do not wish to repeat, I'd probably just keep it to myself. Very few people go around confessing everything about their sexual history.

 

It all depends on the girl really. If she's cool with non-monogamous, uncommitted, bi sexual hook-up triads, by all means go for it. Just remember, those are very, very rare people. The average traditional dater isn't going to feel comfortable with this. I'm a pretty open-minded person, but I couldn't date someone in your shoes. I wouldn't judge my partner for it, but I can't relate with bi sexuality or triads, so I just wouldn't be able to wrap my head around it. I would always be worried that you truly longed for that situation again.

 

Tread very, very, carefully. I think as you get more relationship experience, you'll realize that most people don't want to know the gory details of your past.

[jofor]

I understand why your confused. If I can say so, I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you were a little lonely and interested in the girl. She or perhaps they seduced you. Could it be that you were taken advantage of ?

I am not sure if this relationship was recent or not, but I would encourage you not to jump into another relationship very quickly. I think you have been injured and like all trauma it will take time to heal.

We all need people and friends around us. Is there someone you could confide with about this issue, someone you know would keep it to themselves and could offer good advice? Perhaps your school offers counseling.

I dont know if this is really the advice you were looking for, but lets face it, sex is a powerful thing. It has a strong effect on us and can be addictive. I believe sex can and does bring people emotionally together, not just physically. It causes changes in our brain.

I would venture to guess that everyone wants is to be intimate with people and share on a deep emotional level. But real intimacy has very little to do our sex organs. In fact sex too early in a relationship can short circuit the emotional bonding process. The very thing we are looking for can be lost if sex starts at the wrong time.

[Erik30]

No matter how open-minded your girlfriend is, I would be very, very careful about disclosing your bi sexual past experiences with her. For some women, it can be an absolute turn off. Of course not all women are this way, but you cannot accurately predict her reaction. Also, if she is a monogamous person, your previous non-monogamy might be perceived as having incompatible values.

 

It all depends on the girl really. If she's cool with non-monogamous, uncommitted, bi sexual hook-up triads, by all means go for it. Just remember, those are very, very rare

 

Bi sexual men aren't as acceptable compared to bi women in society.

If you were a girl, most people might not have a problem with your past at all. Wouldn't surprise me if they would consider it "hot."

 

Unfortunately a lot of them will probably think you're actually gay since you had sex with this guy, but you don't want to admit it yet. So there's that risk when you decide to tell someone about you being with another man.

[introverted1]

OP, I can't tell if your conflict is because

 

• You were in an open relationship and liked it and think you might want another one in the future and are worried this will turn off your gf
   
  
• You were in an open relationship and feel somewhat uncomfortable/ashamed and don't want to admit this to your current gf
  

 

Can you elaborate?

 

p.s. There is nothing wrong with being bi. If you had oral sex with another man, it's clear you have at least some attraction for men, even if your dominant attraction is to women.

[sadpanda3]

If there isn't any chance she might find out I would not tell her. You don't really like men, he just happened to be there.

 

Being bisexual myself, I always tell my partners, because I don't want them to be gutted if they ever meet one of my exes or find out through friends. If they can't handle it, we're incompatible.

 

Your case however, is different. It was purely sexual. You don't want to repeat the experience. She might feel sick to the stomach and your relationship might not recover from it. I know you want to share everything with her and be open, but what does this experience really reveal about you? Is it really a part of yourself you consider important?

[HereNorThere]

Bi sexual men aren't as acceptable compared to bi women in society.

If you were a girl, most people might not have a problem with your past at all. Wouldn't surprise me if they would consider it "hot."

 

Unfortunately a lot of them will probably think you're actually gay since you had sex with this guy, but you don't want to admit it yet. So there's that risk when you decide to tell someone about you being with another man.

 

Most of my guy friends think bi girls are hot when it means they get to bring home someone extra to play with on the weekend, or maybe watching them make-out at the bar for attention, but until you have actually dated a truly bisexual woman, you might be surprised at how hard it is. You are always left with a lingering doubt as to whether or not you can truly satisfy her needs. You always wonder if the "friend" she is talking about isn't her new crush. It sounds hot and steamy until you realize what you really got yourself into.

 

As far as women, I've personally never dated a woman who thought there was anything hot about bisexual men. To nearly all of them, gay men were simply their girlfriends. Add that in with gay male hook-up culture (something women REALLY don't understand) and it ends up being a major turn-off. I'm sure they too have the same insecurities about friends and satisfaction as well. This isn't to say all men and women are this way. There are tons of super hot celebrity guys (Channing Tatum) that are bi and still get more attention from women than I ever will. However, those are special cases in my experience.

 

And I wouldn't trust what she says about it either. Our generation has been taught that any non-politically correct idea or feeling makes you a bad person. Most people will tell you that have no problem with it and may logically think that, but sex and attraction are not a logical constructs.These are deep, emotional and primal instincts we are talking about here. Just the same as homosexuals did not choose to be homosexual, I do not choose to be turned off by homosexual women, but I am. Been there, done that and wouldn't do it again.

Edited March 16, 2016 by HereNorThere

[elaine567]

I don't think anyone needs to "confess" anything regarding their past sexual exploits to anyone.

It seems to me there is enough trouble caused by people getting hung up on "ordinary" past sexual histories without opening this particular can of worms.

Keep it to yourself is my advice here.

[Miss Peach]

I can totally relate to your experiences. I have been in a relationship for the same amount of time and I've been asking myself similar questions. I'm not quite sure how much of my past to reveal. Part of me wants to be totally honest with my BF. But part of me doesn't think he needs to know my past; especially sexually. We've had discussions about monogamy, relationships, etc. so we know each other's thoughts on this. As long as we're on the same page there I'm not sure if it's something I should disclose.

 

FWIW I did disclose to my BF I've had experiences with women but I prefer men. He took it much better than I thought he would. His biggest concern was whether I needed to explore that. Even though he has taken everything I've been nervous about really well, I still get concerned with bringing some of these things up. I've also been in an open relationship that I haven't really disclosed to him. I've mentioned I was in a relationship at that point in time in my life but not that it was open and I was seeing more than one person.

 

I've been in a LTR where I was in the dark and I found it hurtful. I've also been in a LTR where my oversharing didn't help the relationship. I still question the balance sometimes.

 

No matter how open-minded your girlfriend is, I would be very, very careful about disclosing your bi sexual past experiences with her. For some women, it can be an absolute turn off. Of course not all women are this way, but you cannot accurately predict her reaction. Also, if she is a monogamous person, your previous non-monogamy might be perceived as having incompatible values.

 

I have discussed this with a few bi men I know and they tell me that they do have trouble with women being open to it. Personally it wouldn't bother me (and I have dated a man who had experiences with men but didn't like it).

 

This has been where a lot of my fears are about disclosing these things. On one hand I don't know why I feel I should censor myself because I want someone compatible with me who accepts me. On the other hand, if these things are not things I want with my BF are they things he should know?

Edited March 16, 2016 by Miss Peach

[AndresF]

I don' want to be in another open relationship, and I don't want to involve my GF in a threesome or anything like that, I just want to enjoy what we have right now, because I'm starting to feel like this could hurt us in the long run.

[AndresF]

I understand why your confused. If I can say so, I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you were a little lonely and interested in the girl. She or perhaps they seduced you. Could it be that you were taken advantage of ?

I am not sure if this relationship was recent or not, but I would encourage you not to jump into another relationship very quickly. I think you have been injured and like all trauma it will take time to heal.

We all need people and friends around us. Is there someone you could confide with about this issue, someone you know would keep it to themselves and could offer good advice? Perhaps your school offers counseling.

I dont know if this is really the advice you were looking for, but lets face it, sex is a powerful thing. It has a strong effect on us and can be addictive. I believe sex can and does bring people emotionally together, not just physically. It causes changes in our brain.

I would venture to guess that everyone wants is to be intimate with people and share on a deep emotional level. But real intimacy has very little to do our sex organs. In fact sex too early in a relationship can short circuit the emotional bonding process. The very thing we are looking for can be lost if sex starts at the wrong time.

 

I was very naive back then, yes, But, as I said, he explicitly asked me if I was up for it and I was. The first few times I had sex with my Gf it was so different, the bed felt so empty. Other than that it was very enjoyable. What my Gf gives that no one else can is emotional intimacy. I feel so connected to her when making love. When there's time, we cuddle endlessly afterwards, it feels great to just be with each other. I wouldn't change what I have right now for 10 open relationships, but having had my first sexual experience in a threesome, monogamy felt "weird" at first.