fonoma Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I've never been one to do it. Grew up extremely shy. Typical ugly duckling story, a late bloomer. Recently out of my first LT relationship. I just still can't get myself to invite a guy out. There's this guy I see nearly every other day where I work out (he works, works out, and instructs there) and I go to one of his classes once a week. I catch him staring a lot and now he'll come over to talk to me, and I him, as long as I'm not in a big group. In the last few weeks or so we've started chatting more and he's been asking me a lot of questions about myself and seems very interested in everything I'm saying and laughs at my comments, even when it's not really that funny or interesting. One time my friend and I were talking to him but he was mostly just looking and talking to me. His body language seems like he's interested too (dilated eyes, always smiling, looks at me when there's something funny) though he's definitely a bit shy. I facebook stalked a while ago and it really doesn't look like he's had many girls in his life. He's a bit geeky but very genuine and nice. The past two weeks after class my friend and I decided to order pizza afterwards and invited him and another guy who works there to join in. He was interested enough to stay late after work to join us and hang out for 1-2 hours just chatting. The second time there was a ton of people around but he would just talk to me as if no one else was there. His tone would match mine and we had a good back and forth discussion about ourselves and interests. I helped him carry stuff to his car after and we just parted with me saying "well... next time!" and he brought up wanting to do it again next week sort of. And then we just looked at each other before saying "well, goodnight!" I was hoping he'd have asked me out or something by now, but I guess I could have suggested it too. One thing that concerns me is his online behavior. One day he complimented my sweater. I told him I got it online and he told me to send him a link to the site, so I did the next day through facebook. He read it but never said anything all weekend. When I saw him again on Monday he brought it up, but it's not entirely reliable that we would have even seen each other or talked at all, so I don't know why he'd wait... And then a few days ago he messaged me for the first time asking if our next pizza party was official and sent me a link to something from our last discussion. I responded. The next day I sent him another link to something I thought he'd find interesting, but no response! So I'm wary to ask him anything else via text/fb. He does use facebook and can write some lengthy comments about articles/news stories, so it's not like he doesn't use it. I want to ask him out for coffee but am terrified that I am misreading the signs. Also he is moving for school next fall, so that could be a big factor in why it hasn't gone anywhere I didn't know/forgot this fact when I started trying to pursue. I still want to hang out/date him I guess (casually?) though... I'm just chicken. What I've done so far is so much more than I had the guts to do in the past so my strength is failing. SO how would you go about this? Is it even worth a shot? Is he just nice and not interested?
losangelena Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Also he is moving for school next fall, so that could be a big factor in why it hasn't gone anywhere I didn't know/forgot this fact when I started trying to pursue. I still want to hang out/date him I guess (casually?) though... I'm just chicken. What I've done so far is so much more than I had the guts to do in the past so my strength is failing. SO how would you go about this? Is it even worth a shot? Is he just nice and not interested? Do you have anything to lose in inviting him out somewhere? Ask yourself, what's the worse that could happen? OK, he says no or he doesn't respond at all, but so what? At least you can stop thinking about it then. There's nothing wrong with trying. 1
preraph Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Well, he may have his reasons for not asking you out, like being otherwise taken or like you say, going to move, though I doubt that's the reason. He isn't afraid to talk to you and ask you questions at all, and it is for that reason that I don't advise you being the one to ask him on a real date. Another after work thing, yes, with others. But he isn't shy, so if he wanted to ask you out, I think he would have, unless you believe you have been sending him "stay away" signals because of your shyness. But as long as you have been openly smiley and friendly with him, he knows you like him.
Author fonoma Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 Well, he may have his reasons for not asking you out, like being otherwise taken or like you say, going to move, though I doubt that's the reason. He isn't afraid to talk to you and ask you questions at all, and it is for that reason that I don't advise you being the one to ask him on a real date. Another after work thing, yes, with others. But he isn't shy, so if he wanted to ask you out, I think he would have, unless you believe you have been sending him "stay away" signals because of your shyness. But as long as you have been openly smiley and friendly with him, he knows you like him. True, but I guess I could just keep waiting... in the past it's taken two guys at least 2 months to ask me out and they were much more confident with girls than he is. I see a lot of mixed opinions online. Many say go for it and then the real ones that scare me (yours ) saying he's just not into you.
losangelena Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 True, but I guess I could just keep waiting... in the past it's taken two guys at least 2 months to ask me out and they were much more confident with girls than he is. I see a lot of mixed opinions online. Many say go for it and then the real ones that scare me (yours ) saying he's just not into you. But if he's not into you, doesn't it make sense to just find that out straight away? A great way to do that is through doing the asking. Yeah, a lot of people will tell you to wait it out and let the guy do it, but ... why? We're just not living in that kind of culture anymore (I don't think). All it's causing you to do is squirm and wonder and feel uncomfortable debating with yourself about "what if." I don't know, I suppose I'm in the minority of women who would say, if you want to ask a guy out, do it. You literally have nothing to lose. You're not dating, so if he says no, you're still not dating. The only thing you might have to weather is a bit of a sting of rejection, but no one ever died from that, and if you don't ask him out, and he never does either, then you get rejected anyway it's just a more passive form of it. Either/or. I'd say take the matter into your own hands, instead of torturing yourself wondering. 1
preraph Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 True, but I guess I could just keep waiting... in the past it's taken two guys at least 2 months to ask me out and they were much more confident with girls than he is. I see a lot of mixed opinions online. Many say go for it and then the real ones that scare me (yours ) saying he's just not into you. Well, here's what it hinges on. If you would be humiliated and embarrassed if he said no, then don't do it. BUT if you are made of sturdy stock who doesn't take the rejection of a man personally or mind having the obligations that come with being the initiator and any assumptions he may make because you did initiate and it will just roll off your back if he says no, then by all means, ask. I've initiated lots of times, although usually more just talking and less asking for a date. BUT I mostly did that with guys I didn't know well enough to get hurt if they rejected me. And only once was I embarrassed. i thought he was flirting and then I went to see him at his booth he ran and he felt it prudent to tell me right away he had a girlfriend.
preraph Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 Also, if you ask him out, you have to be prepared to pay for the date. And that could cause some awkwardness. And it's possible he hasn't asked you out because he feels he doesn't have enough money to date. So if you do ask him to do something, do something nearly free, like go to the park.
Author fonoma Posted March 12, 2016 Author Posted March 12, 2016 (edited) Fair enough– I'm probably in between caring too much and being able to roll with it gracefully, depending on the day/hour. I'm not 100% over my last relationship so sometimes it stings to think about rejection and how my ex already moved on so quickly. I just went on my first first date with a guy tonight (who happens to be neighbors with my crush) though I'm not so sure how I feel about him yet. We split the check because I always suggest it on a date and it was not cheap :I I am a bit of a cheapskate myself lol. I also met another guy recently at an event who added me on facebook yesterday even though I never told him my name (but we were tagged in pictures) so may strike up a conversation with him and see if that goes anywhere... I guess it would help if I wasn't just pining for a single guy and had everything resting on him. I will see how the next week goes– he's definitely getting more comfortable with me and I still do think he's interested in some way. I'll see if I can lead a conversation into a promising direction and watch if he'll take the bait or open up an opportunity for myself to invite him out. Really hoping my date tonight doesn't say anything to him though... he kept trying to get us to meet at his house (again, neighbors) before dinner or at the place my crush works at since it was across the street from the restaurant (we all know each other through a running club.) Probably a hilarious coincidence, but I was trying really hard to not show up anywhere my crush would see us, lol! Edited March 12, 2016 by fonoma
Author fonoma Posted March 14, 2016 Author Posted March 14, 2016 Well he sorta asked me out..! He texted me this afternoon asking if I was going to any events tonight since there's this two week long festival/conference thing in our city. I'm assuming he wouldn't have messaged me about it if he wasn't interested in going with me? I never brought it up before. I had to tell him I already had plans but made it very clear I was down for another day to go to something. He brought up another thing he heard about but didn't know the details so I told him to let me know when he hears more. He never responded after that. I guess it's all a good sign though?
monchou Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Well he sorta asked me out..! He texted me this afternoon asking if I was going to any events tonight since there's this two week long festival/conference thing in our city. I'm assuming he wouldn't have messaged me about it if he wasn't interested in going with me? I never brought it up before. I had to tell him I already had plans but made it very clear I was down for another day to go to something. He brought up another thing he heard about but didn't know the details so I told him to let me know when he hears more. He never responded after that. I guess it's all a good sign though? Congrats!
Author fonoma Posted March 17, 2016 Author Posted March 17, 2016 So we just spent the last 4 hours together! It seemed very date-y but neither of us are very forward flirts (I'm certainly not.) Plans changed a little bit and we ended up getting breakfast before the free concert, waited in line for a long time, had a lot of time to talk during, and wandered around for a bit before stopping at another cafe before we had to part. Unfortunately still not 100% sure it was a date! We didn't buy much but he never offered to pay (doesn't bother me but I assume this counts against a date?) However, it was like several hours of conversation, personal questions, etc. that I only ever do on dates or with people I'm very interested in/are very curious about me. Lots of smiles, eye contact, laughing. Hardly paid any attention to anything but each other except during the songs. During the concert our arms kept brushing each other and we were standing very close after that with no moves to give space. When we parted he walked a few seconds more with me even though we were supposed to go in opposite directions. It was a little awkward as we didn't know what to say. He started moving towards me and for a fraction of a second I thought he was going to kiss me! but I/we reciprocated with a long, close hug and he had both of his hands on my back. Definitely seemed more than friendly. After breaking away I said I had a lot of fun and that I'd love to do something like this again and he enthusiastically agreed, but didn't make any plans. We talked a bit about more shows, but I hope it doesn't just mean we would only get together again only if there's a concert or some other special event... Should I wait and see if he initiates a real date or dinner or something more obvious? I've really misjudged a friend's intents before and it's kinda scarred me (though to this day I still believe he would've confused almost anyone.)
Author fonoma Posted March 17, 2016 Author Posted March 17, 2016 Nevermind, I obviously like to use forums as a public diary– diarrhea of the brain. He asked me to meet up again already
No_Go Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 Congrats, second date already! IMO if it is one-to-one, it IS a date. Physical contact is also telling;)
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 I sometimes follow this Dating Coach/Guru's advice, his name is Tripp Advice, and i'm subscribed to his e-mail newsletter, I never thought he would say this but he actually said this in one of his e-mail newsletters when he was giving advice on how to ask a girl out on a date, loved how he put it, he said this at the beginning of it: "It’s tough to be a guy. Why do we have to be the ones who ask the girls out, right? Why can’t it be the other way around?... Damn you society… and damn your bizarre social norms..."
preraph Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 Glad to hear things are going well! Congratulations! I bet he doesn't have much money, but you make sure he doesn't make you pay all the time or anything. Except for the not offering to pay it sounds like a date but he did choose a free thing, so I think he's just not got much money to spare for dating. Start thinking up free stuff to do together and once he's paid for you a proper dinner or movie or two, then you can cook for him if you want and watch a movie.
Author fonoma Posted March 18, 2016 Author Posted March 18, 2016 I never really considered it but I'm very certain I make much more than him right now at this point in our lives.. so who knows– that could be a valid point on the paying. Though we're talking like coffee and tacos here. And very true about the guys having to ask the girls out... well I was pretty close to asking him out first. I think in a few days I may initiate something myself, preferably later in the day. Mornings aren't that romantic for me, though we are both morning people. When I said he asked me to meet up again, I meant the same day we were together for the concert. He asked if I wanted to watch a game at a bar for a little while (like, for an hour or so). He joked about me being sick of him by the end of the day and I assured him I wasn't He's really into basketball, so I guess that's a good sign that he's willing to share that time with me? Or he was just bored and by himself. We both had to go to the class I met him in (he coaches it) and he had me help him plan the workout. After class we parted ways and haven't communicated since. I think we are way too awkward. I don't know if he did or not but it looked like we were both about to get closer and hug again while parting but then didn't and just walked away saying bye. lol... I couldn't tell if maybe I was friend zoned. I'm probably being ridiculous Would a guy really spend all this time with a girl he just started getting to know if he just wanted to be friends?
spriggan2 Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Was about to yell at both of you for not setting up a date after all those signs of interest. Glad to see you've made it happen. Good luck and have fun!
losangelena Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Fwiw, I often that people look at things like eye contact and laughter and "only eyes for each other," and lots of talking, as more potent signifiers than they are. In my experience, they could mean a variety of things—that you two share a mutual chemistry, you're both people persons, or there's physical attraction. Under no circumstances should things like that be interpreted as signs that y'all are about to start dating, have a relationship, or end up together. I'm not saying those are your assumptions, or that it won't happen, I'm just suggesting that you take your time with him at face value. Don't spend a lot of time trying to figure out whether or not it was a date. At this point, your expectations should still be rock-bottom. Not tryna sound harsh, I've just seen this far too many times in my own life. Dating really taught me that I can have chemistry, and have great dates, with a wide variety of men, but that doesn't necessarily translate to relational compatibility. I would just hate to see you get your hopes up, only to have them dashed.
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