3.5 years and now silence

[Scottyboyy]

Hello. I am new to this forum. After lurking around for a few weeks and finding bits and pieces of stories, but not really anything extremely similar, I decided to write out my situation for some extra guidance.

 

I am turning 26, and she just turned 25. We had dated for 3.5 years. We met 4 years ago this month through mutual friends while she was on vacation where I was attending college. When I first saw her I was so nervous to even talk to her. After she left her vacation nothing really happened. I was in school far away and she was in school up north. but lived in my home state, about 30 minutes away. So at the time it wasn't the most ideal situation to get into a long distance relationship with someone I barely know.

 

6 months pass, I get over my fears and ask for her number via social media after flirting for awhile. Instant connection. I thought this was it. We talked and talked endlessly for weeks and weeks. Eventually, I was making it home for Thanksgiving break. We had an amazing time together finally in person and decided that we will go forth with starting this long distance relationship. We saw each other every single month for 2 years, with the summer before I graduated being a whole one spent at home with her. It was all this wonderful honeymoon for a long time, and obvious strains being long distance but we always worked through it. Always.

 

When I graduated and moved home about 16 months ago things sort of changed. She started to not really support me as much as she used to. I think that it was a result of jealousy, immaturity, and selfishness. There's way to many specific moments to type, but in summation think of this. Imagine you achieving a huge feat, whether it be a college degree, or a new job, or some life milestone. At first she was all for it and my success. Slowly it turned into this resentment almost. She has a full time job, a great one, a college degree, and she does well. There was a disconnect. Every one of the situations just showed a lack of respect and immaturity that is beyond me especially someone you supposedly are in love with.

 

So I moved home. At first it was great, slowly having ups and downs, but always our physical attraction was solid. If a fight were to happen we would get over it and be all lovey dovey in no time. We got into a routine of seeing one another 3-4 times a week. It was great.

 

Anyway fast forward to 5 weeks ago. Recently our relationship had turned into her not wanting to talk after work, hanging up, telling me im annoying. So this action is selfish, and since it is contagious, i would become even more needy considering that she acted like i didnt matter during the week, but on the weekends all she wanted to do was see me and we would have this amazing time. Then back to sqaure one every single Monday. Basically trying to earn my gf of 3+ years attention.

 

So it was a friday, got into a big argument and then she dropped it on me that she wanted space, i smother her. etc. She continued to list many things which were wrong, but never accepted any responsibility for her own actions towards me to make the way i became. I know i am still very sick and have a lot to work on, but i believe it was sped up process from the way I was being treated. I gave my life and soul to this girl. I showered her with love, gifts, trips, we did everything that young couples in love do.

 

So I gave her space. We didnt talk the following day. I wake up superbowl sunday to the longest text ever basically stating the same words from the car, but this time properly written out, which seemed to have been assisted by someone probably her sister. I didnt respond. Next evening a message to leave her friends alone they arent apart of my life. I am close with one of her friends. I didnt entertain the message as it was meant to try and hurt me more. She wasnt getting what she wanted or hearing anything from me and tried to get me to react. Next night, a Tuesday. 4 messages asking if I am ever going to answer and let her know how i feel since i didnt say practically anything for the hour talk in the car, as i was in utter shock. I waited an hour and responded stating out of respect for her and this relationship i wanted to talk about it on the phone, not in some ridiculous message where she can prance around showing everyone what i had to say. She declined and tried again to hurt me saying she wont talk on the phone etc etc. I didnt respond. Right before i fell asleep one more jab to try and get a rise. Saying " i guess ill never know how you feel. good closure." Then we dont talk Wednesday, and Thursday comes and i decide to try again to get her on the phone to explain my feelings. With another struggle stating she doesnt want some long drawn out explanation short and to the point she agrees to talk on the phone. I get home from work and we talk, it was awful. I can hear in her voice she was trying to be strong and act nasty and distant. Who is this girl? I told her i felt that this wasnt really for me etc, right away first minute of convo. So i rejected her and that obviously didnt sit well, she probably thought i would have begged and pleaded. Anyway worst convo ever. Jabs jabs jabs. I couldnt hold it together. I tried my best to not jab back, constantly saying "im sorry you feel that way." We hang up, i walk into a friends house look at my phone, she tried to call back a minute later and left two messages saying she needs to say one more thing and to hold on. Phone rings a second time. I pick it up and she is balling crying. I start crying she says she is sorry for everything, and the way she has treated me recently etc etc. It was a 30 min convo and i fell back on my word and tried to get her to spend vday with me, she said she wasnt sure. I should have held strong. We talked like it was great, that everything was okay. What she had been up to, her dog, asked about my parents etc. It was weird. Threw me for a loop and a half. We didnt talk friday and saturday day before vday and flowers were previously sent and whatever. She texted me that she got them and thanks and sorry. She then said "hope youre ok" I asked her to talk on the phone. Polite convo, again asking what my parents are doing how i am, and she stated that she is fine and hasnt had to "be busy" and everything is great. I told her at the end maybe its best to not talk for awhile.

 

Since that day 4 weeks ago tomorrow, radio silence. Blocked me on instagram only. After making myself sick to death logging in checking her every move across every social media site, i had my brother put a passcode on my phone and now the app store is removed. I have no access via safari on there, as the sites are blocked too. At work i Made IT friend block them on my computer. I had to. It was ruining me. Its better off i stay away forever. I dont even care anymore. I would rather no one know what i am doing, or see what others are doing. If i want to see how you are, ill call you or youll be with me on the events that would be worth "posting" I will never return to social media. I would never be able to handle it down the road seeing what she has been up to, or any new guys in the following months. I dont need to know.

 

This pain i am in will allow me to change. I know it will. But it has been so hard. I cant sleep, i havent eaten. I have gotten slightly better. We havent talked in a month. Not one word. Does she even care about me? Does she think about me? According to her friend, she just doesnt want a relationship with anyone, and wants to find herself again. She doesnt like the person she has become. This is from a girl who leading right up until the Break up told me when she wants the ring, what it looks like, tagging me in pictures. We talked endlessly about getting married having kids. We even looked at houses once or twice. She would randomly send my links to houses too. I was going to propose in June.

 

I am lost. Every single moment i want to talk to her. I want to hold her. I am dying to kiss her and touch her. I cant even fathom never seeing her again or being intimate with her. My stomach and chest take a dive every time i think of it. Or her with someone else eventually. Brutal. I need some serious help. If you have read this whole thing. feel free to say anything you want or ask any questions. thanks.

[howwie324]

The pain you are feeling is normal. She is angry about things. It sucks but right now nothing you do will change her feelings. Right now, you absolutely have to not contact her. The best thing to do for yourself is to find a constructive hobby, hang out with old friends, exorcise and try to set some goals for yourself to achieve. It's not easy. One way I use to deal with things like this is to get a notebook and write to her there. Pour your heart out and get it off your chest in the notebook. Once you begin feeling better, throw it away, but when I am heartbroken I find comfort in being able to "communicate" without it actually breaking the no contact. You were right to stop digitally stalking her. Now you need to move on. Given some time, you two might be friends some day. I'm not sure considering but who knows. The best thing for you to do is to focus on yourself and try to put her behind you.

[Scottyboyy]

On the phone when she called back crying she said I was such an amazing guy, and that I deserve someone who would be nice to me. What the hell? She also said i never challenged her enough in the end, and that she liked to be challenged? 3.5 years, why would i have to challenge you. I have your love already. She also said she never had enough time to miss me. That she liked it better when we were living farther away.

[keiji]

Seems to me that you're coping really well. I wish I had cut contact and stopped checking her social media much earlier, just like you've done. Carry on.

 

In a breakup, the dumper always says nice things out of guilt. Two months after, she kept saying "you're the man of my life", "I'm so unhappy without you", "I miss you every single day" and the like. We've been on NC for almost two months now and she's never reached out. Don't be fooled by that.

[kztar]

This girl sounds like my ex. My ex "fell out of love" with me after I gave him everything I could possibly give someone. I think that you did the right thing in blocking this girl everywhere and not returning to social media. I actually did the same. I gave it up for lent to avoid/see what others are doing. Going the old fashioned way. You want to know what im doing?, there's phones. Feel free to call me. I think us the young generation including myself (25) going on 26 soon have to learn how destructive some of these things can be for us.

 

When I was in high school I dated this boy who broke my heart, back then it was only myspace around but social media wasn't as popular. We went our separate ways and I NEVER again heard from him. This was crucial to my healing process. I never had any temptation to google him and have his name show up on all these social media sites. Even if I did, nothing was going to pop up. In the current days there's literally SO many ways to get in contact and know what the other person is doing and it makes moving on that much harder because you can always just find if you dig for it.

 

Anyway, this is very unfortunate and Im going through the same. You're not alone. This girl sounds like she is simply not ready to hold and sustain a real relationship. Unfortunately we are young, most people our age just want to be FWB and if they do get into anything committed, at this point I believe it will most likely not last because everyone wants to FIND themselves, live freely, do all these things they can do with a partner but alone. People have always told me that I have the mentality of someone 5 years older than myself. When I engage myself in a serious relationship, im not just looking for that "THRILL" that everyone is looking for. Yes that is nice but that is not sufficient enough to sustain a long term relationship. Im looking for someone who is looking for commitment, who is willing to communicate, work through the problems. Most people these days don't really know the value of this.

 

Anyways OP. Good luck with your recovery and know you are not alone. I lost 20 LBs on this process and my appetite is just slowly coming back. With that being said DON'T look back because unfortunately her actions have said more than enough. You sound like a very caring, loving and committed guy, you deserve someone who is going to reciprocate this back to you.

[kztar]

On the phone when she called back crying she said I was such an amazing guy, and that I deserve someone who would be nice to me. What the hell? She also said i never challenged her enough in the end, and that she liked to be challenged? 3.5 years, why would i have to challenge you. I have your love already. She also said she never had enough time to miss me. That she liked it better when we were living farther away.

 

OMG my X but the girl version. Lesson I learned from this is NEVER get too comfortable. Always, let them chase you for SOMETHING.

 

I really hate this phrase. Im so over it it makes me ANGRY to see it. My ex said the same and we only saw each other on weekends and lived 45 minutes apart. LIKE YOU'VE HAD ALL DAMN WEEK TO MISS ME. Also the challenge thing. Like a challenge, who wants to challenge their partner. If anything you want to grow with this person, not provide obstacles to make things harder. IM SO OVER THIS lol. OP this girl is as immature as my ex. Stupid as it sounds but she has some growing up to do and im sure you do too but she has to experience more relationships to know what it is that she wants. She clearly has NO DAMN CLUE.

[Scottyboyy]

OMG my X but the girl version. Lesson I learned from this is NEVER get too comfortable. Always, let them chase you for SOMETHING.

 

I really hate this phrase. Im so over it it makes me ANGRY to see it. My ex said the same and we only saw each other on weekends and lived 45 minutes apart. LIKE YOU'VE HAD ALL DAMN WEEK TO MISS ME. Also the challenge thing. Like a challenge, who wants to challenge their partner. If anything you want to grow with this person, not provide obstacles to make things harder. IM SO OVER THIS lol. OP this girl is as immature as my ex. Stupid as it sounds but she has some growing up to do and im sure you do too but she has to experience more relationships to know what it is that she wants. She clearly has NO DAMN CLUE.

 

Grass is certainly not always Greener. Claiming "is this what a relationship is like" I heard that line in the car. I am the second person she has ever dated, while the first only last 6 months and she was just 19 year old kid in college...

[Satu]

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 2 litres a day for a male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically or mentally unwell, go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex:

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

 

Take care.

[keiji]

Also the challenge thing. Like a challenge, who wants to challenge their partner. If anything you want to grow with this person, not provide obstacles to make things harder. IM SO OVER THIS lol. OP this girl is as immature as my ex. Stupid as it sounds but she has some growing up to do and im sure you do too but she has to experience more relationships to know what it is that she wants. She clearly has NO DAMN CLUE.

 

What with the challenging? I remember my ex mentioned that during our first crisis six months into the relationship. She said: "I love how you challenge me". What's that supposed to mean?

[kztar]

Grass is certainly not always Greener. Claiming "is this what a relationship is like" I heard that line in the car. I am the second person she has ever dated, while the first only last 6 months and she was just 19 year old kid in college...

 

The thing is it isn't, specially these days but to each their own. GIGS for the most part happens with immature people or people who have never experienced GIGs in their young life. I've always said I rather date someone who has had ALOT of gigs and relationships because thats something once you grow out of you're good to go. I had GIGs for FOUR years and i had enough of it. I never committed to anyone because of this reason.

[Scottyboyy]

I just so badly want to know if she has even thought of me at all over the past month. She is probably having a blast having no accountability to anyone. As the days go on, and she does not text me, its pretty apparent she wants nothing to do with me

[Satu]

I just so badly want to know if she has even thought of me at all over the past month. She is probably having a blast having no accountability to anyone. As the days go on, and she does not text me, *its pretty apparent she wants nothing to do with me

 

*And you should have nothing to do with her.

 

There is no happy ending to this story.

 

Healing begins when you fully accept that it really is permanently over.

 

Thats not the point where you start to feel better, but it sets you on the road to feeling better.

 

You need to focus solely on yourself and your own wellbeing.

[keiji]

I just so badly want to know if she has even thought of me at all over the past month. She is probably having a blast having no accountability to anyone. As the days go on, and she does not text me, its pretty apparent she wants nothing to do with me

 

Try to stop that internal dialogue. Both parties suffer, but that doesn't change the fact that you must work hard in moving on. I was in NC for two years with an ex-girlfriend, the previous one to the girl I was talking about. We basically hated each other and both behaved horribly during and after an incredibly toxic relationship. It took a long time for me to move on, but I finally made it. Fast forward two years, we meet for dinner a month ago and she breaks it to me that she's still in love with me and I'm the man of her life (where have I heard that before? ). I would have sworn before God himself that she didn't care about me at all. So the message is: you don't know if she's suffering and you will never really know, but does her suffering make you feel better? I doubt it. Work on yourself. I've done it, and quite a few times (divorce, toxic relationship, another relationship going nowhere; everything in five years). You'll feel proud of yourself further down the road, believe me.

[kztar]

What with the challenging? I remember my ex mentioned that during our first crisis six months into the relationship. She said: "I love how you challenge me". What's that supposed to mean?

 

You know i am asking myself the SAME question. ANYONE here who can give us some feedback?

 

I think it's all in the other person's head. Like having to work for something?. I don't even understand this concept to be honest !

[kztar]

Try to stop that internal dialogue. Both parties suffer, but that doesn't change the fact that you must work hard in moving on. I was in NC for two years with an ex-girlfriend, the previous one to the girl I was talking about. We basically hated each other and both behaved horribly during and after an incredibly toxic relationship. It took a long time for me to move on, but I finally made it. Fast forward two years, we meet for dinner a month ago and she breaks it to me that she's still in love with me and I'm the man of her life (where have I heard that before? ). I would have sworn before God himself that she didn't care about me at all. So the message is: you don't know if she's suffering and you will never really know, but does her suffering make you feel better? I doubt it. Work on yourself. I've done it, and quite a few times (divorce, toxic relationship, another relationship going nowhere; everything in five years). You'll feel proud of yourself further down the road, believe me.

 

im assuming you told her well it's too late now ?

[keiji]

Absolutely!!!

[Scottyboyy]

When I get the thought of ever seeing her with someone else, my knees buckle. Will she ever come back? Do I even want her back? What about this novel idea, instead of worrying about what she is doing in her life without me, how about I focus on what I am doing in my life without her. Tall order for me.

 

I wonder what she is doing this weekend... I wonder if she has ever stayed up late thinking about me or us... I wonder if her family who loved me dearly misses me... I want her to acknowledge me. I keep waiting for that text... it probably will never come

[Scottyboyy]

I'm really going through it. Does she still wear all the jewelry? Does she wear this past Xmas' gift? Does she get reminded of me when she puts her watches on that I got her?

[kztar]

Listen man. You have to get the idea that she's coming back off your head. It sucks but dumpers move on way before we are even aware they're moving on. Tough love here because I feel your pain.

[Scottyboyy]

So, yesterday after not speaking to a mutual friend between the two of us for two weeks, i reached out. My motive was pure and I was looking to connect with her, with no concern for my ex. We chatted and I asked if she has found an apartment. What do you know? They are moving in together. Who is this girl i dated? For the entirety of our relationship she said she would never rent, it was a waste. She would never move to this city, its too crowded and over priced. Even when i asked her 6 months ago she didnt want to. Now all of a sudden she is going there. It blows my mind. She actually wants nothing to do with me. Reality has set in. She truly wants to find herself and party and do whatever the hell she wants. My ego is completely shattered. In pieces. I am consumed with the whys and hows. The coulda shoula wouldas. I am sick to my stomach. I cant function at work, I cant function at home, or with my friends. My whole soul is consumed with what she is thinking and doing...

[Scottyboyy]

It has been a serious roller coaster ride for me. I look back and read my posts here and can't believe how far I have come since. There are moments in the past 5 weeks however where I take steps back.. BUT when I do that the next day I always spring up and take two forward.

 

Its been just over 9 weeks of NC. I was very close to breaking this on Friday night, but I did not. I also realized many many things about myself and my behavior. I still have been social media free, and it feels wonderful. On Friday I encountered a lapse of judgement. The fear of being alone struck over me. I neglected to pray, I neglected to reach out to someone and instead downloaded a dating app. I browsed through and swiped around on my lunch at work, and the day seemed to speed up. I get home, everyone has plans with their significant others, or is away, so I take it as an opportunity to enjoy a nice meal by myself and relax. Get to the restaurant, about to take a bite out of my food, and as I am swiping around on my phone... She pops up on the site. With 3 out of the 5 pictures having me in them. Not just in them, but like close ups of our faces. Throw my food out. I am in disbelief at this point. I am not saying she shouldnt be on it since I am on it, but I never said I wanted to be alone. She did. Clearly she didn't want to be with me. She is constantly changing her mind. She is so unstable its actually comical.

 

I end up breaking down and calling our best friend and her roommate. We hadn't had a conversation about her in around 6 weeks or so, and our communication has been limited since they live together. She assured me that she loved me and loved her, but that I needed to make sure I get respect from the next person who comes into my life. She also told me that this is how it has always been. She flips back and forth constantly. That she is emotionally unstable. She has no clue what she wants.

 

So anyway after some serious analyzing playing a detective, cause you know I care more about someone else than myself since its so hard sometimes to actually take a look at ones self, My other best friend and I came to a conclusion. Him and I figure that for over 3 years i showered her with love, complements, and gifts. I never stopped telling her how good she looked, all the time. Well, now thats over. She is certainly seeking attention through some meaningless dating app. Whether she actually ends up going on dates, or is going on there as a joke or distraction, well it doesnt even matter. What does matter is how I am doing. This is all about me, and has nothing to do with her. We make decisions based on ourselves, which later put us in a position to be hurt.

 

The past 10 weeks I have been doing a lot of thinking about her. She has been doing a lot of thinking about her, but who has been thinking about me? I actually lost sight of who I was and everyday I learn more, and more will be revealed over time and forever. The pain is so good, its a growing opportunity. I know in my brain her leaving me was the best thing that could ever have happened to me. I have a second chance at this, with someone who will respect me and love me for who I am. I made one person the center of my universe, who didnt even make me a fraction of theirs. . The ending of this relationship is such a small part of my life, but it is so important. It has given me the opportunity to get honest and actually look directly at myself. I am so happy I got this opportunity, and I won’t squander it.

Edited April 18, 2016 by Scottyboyy

[ashley1992]

hii.. from experiance and sorry to say.. but unknown to you.. she might have feelings for someone else... and thats why she has acted this way... some people are very good at hiding and manipulating. things will be okay... she was not meant for u.. god showed u before u proposed and told ur family etc.. u seem like a good guy.. u will find someone who loves and respects u on the same level.. not a one way relationship

[Scottyboyy]

hii.. from experiance and sorry to say.. but unknown to you.. she might have feelings for someone else... and thats why she has acted this way... some people are very good at hiding and manipulating. things will be okay... she was not meant for u.. god showed u before u proposed and told ur family etc.. u seem like a good guy.. u will find someone who loves and respects u on the same level.. not a one way relationship

 

Lol, yeah I suppose its possible for her to have feelings for someone on this day. But leading up to our breakup and shortly after, there was no one else. We spent a lot of time together, and the week after the breakup there was still contact. It's not like she didn't mention that during the breakup. She said something to the effect of "Is this how a relationship should be? I dont know cause I havent been in many. I think we need some time apart to see if I want this."

 

Thankfully I let her go, since I realized how much I dont want it. I had so much fear for 6 months of being alone I couldnt ever pull the trigger. I would be going to work, or getting ready, or even driving to her house and ask myself... "Is this really going to happen. Will my life be one miserable existence with her forever? Will she ever change? Will the ring and us getting married eventually invoke a change?" It wouldnt have, she would have treated me the same way her mom treats her father. It was clearly moving that direction. Sick people make us sick, and as a result of me staying with her and being so involved in such a sick and twisted family. I got sicker. I am free now. It hurts so bad not having her, but I am free.

 

I believe its more so not having someone than her. And thats a story for another day. I was in love with her potential, and not who she really is...

[mightycpa]

Grass is certainly not always Greener. Claiming "is this what a relationship is like" I heard that line in the car. I am the second person she has ever dated, while the first only last 6 months and she was just 19 year old kid in college...

Depends on what you're looking for at that point in your life, doesn't it? Besides, to honestly believe that, you'd have to believe that there is nobody out there that outshines you. Not sure about you, but as great as I am, I'm certain that there are people out there who outshine me in many ways. That very same concept should be comfort should you ever be cut loose.