loveiswar101 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 OK, hanging out with women last few months. Ups and downs as she was very hot and cold. Yet I thought got on well. Single mom with 3 kids. Eventually says it's to hard dating at moment and that she can't be in a relationship with me or anyone at this point. To stressful. But would still would like to hang out. That was last weekend....no contact this week, bit gutted but that's life. Out the blue I look on a dating site and she pops up when searching and has joined up only this week as a new member. This is what really gets my goat up. Why not just say it's over and thats it. Why all the bull**** of wanting to hangout? Why bull**** and say can't date anyone then go on a dating site. Ffs be honest people. Why lie and play with people's emotions. Really feel like texting her and telling her to go jump off the highest building she can find...but will achieve nothing...just annoyed and venting...argh!!!!
smudge21 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 The ol' "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now" always translates as "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now with YOU!". Vent away my friend but at least you weren't heavily involved with her, so there's some comfort. Sadly expecting everyone to be open and honest is pointless. I know exactly how you feel though and it does suck. I reckon this sort of thing happens because people feel it's better than being honest, but not to protect your feelings but to protect theirs. By avoiding the "I don't want to be with you" sort of stuff, they are avoiding any guilt they could feel for pushing you away. That "it's not you it's me" mentality is really all about protecting themselves. It's up there with ghosting, a cowards way out. 3
Lorenza Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 She probably thought she's being kind and humane letting you down slowly instead of just being straight and dropping the bomb. If not, she was just selfish and chose an easier way out for herself. Don't expect other people to spare your feelings, ever. It's the right thing to do, but most people will just choose not to bother themselves if they don't care anymore.
road Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 OK, hanging out with women last few months. Ups and downs as she was very hot and cold. Yet I thought got on well. Single mom with 3 kids. Eventually says it's to hard dating at moment and that she can't be in a relationship with me or anyone at this point. To stressful. But would still would like to hang out. That was last weekend....no contact this week, bit gutted but that's life. Out the blue I look on a dating site and she pops up when searching and has joined up only this week as a new member. This is what really gets my goat up. Why not just say it's over and thats it. Why all the bull**** of wanting to hangout? Why bull**** and say can't date anyone then go on a dating site. Ffs be honest people. Why lie and play with people's emotions. Really feel like texting her and telling her to go jump off the highest building she can find...but will achieve nothing...just annoyed and venting...argh!!!! There are many reasons why a woman dumps a man. Is it better for a man to hear that he is bad in bed? Is a woman to offer a 2nd reason as well? How about he was ugly too. Now my list of reasons can go on way longer then this. I think it is better for her to make up a white lie to spare a man's feelings and let him publicly save face and walk away then tell him the honest truth. Now if a man was asked for feed back where he failed so not to make the same mistakes again with the next woman she should be honest and tell him. Though honest does not mean cruel and brutal. Also the man asking for the truth is obligated to not get upset and what he is told. Just listen and close with a thank you and a good bye. 3
spriggan2 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Just be brief, honest and gentle. Complimentary helps too. Find a way to say you're great and I'm really sorry, I know this hurts but I'm not really feeling the relationship. This whole let's be friends/hangout when you don't mean it is BS false hope and kind of cruel really, though most people can read between the lines. 1
joseb Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 What road said. Also, maybe she really isn't ready for a relationship. Maybe she just wants to have some fun. Netflix and chill, etc. 2
BlueIris Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Road is right. I’ll add that you seem to be assuming that people in the past used to explain exactly why they were breaking up in brutal detail, but they didn’t. Why would they? Accept and even appreciate that people will say something innocuous to avoid confrontation or being hurtful. That’s not a bad thing. 1
Toodaloo Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I think it is better for her to make up a white lie to spare a man's feelings and let him publicly save face and walk away then tell him the honest truth. Also I just want to point out that when phrases like this are used its often not anything in particular. Its just the way it is. The guy may be wonderful and lovely and everything she has ever wanted on paper, but paper isn't flesh and blood. Sometimes its just that there is no feeling there, NOT that the guy is in anyway "wrong" or "substandard". When that happens its really difficult when there is feeling on the other side but no definitive "reason" can be found to tell him.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Unfortunately this will always be a fundamental difference in how men/women think when it comes to dating. Now that's not to say that there aren't some guys who handle being dumped badly. But take the average guy that's well adjusted enough not to throw a temper tantrum and can handle it. All he's going to want is some honesty so he can put it behind him and not be left wondering why, what he dd wrong, etc.. Yet more often than not, he'll get the "sparing his feelings" version which only winds up doing more harm than good with the confusion/frustration. 1
Toodaloo Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Unfortunately this will always be a fundamental difference in how men/women think when it comes to dating. Now that's not to say that there aren't some guys who handle being dumped badly. But take the average guy that's well adjusted enough not to throw a temper tantrum and can handle it. All he's going to want is some honesty so he can put it behind him and not be left wondering why, what he dd wrong, etc.. Yet more often than not, he'll get the "sparing his feelings" version which only winds up doing more harm than good with the confusion/frustration. FF - been there and had many a guy go completely off his rocker at me. Have learnt the hard way that these pacifying comments are easier and also a heck of a lot safer... After speaking to guys they have had the same too. So its not a gender thing. It just is as it is. 2
OnlyHonesty Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 The really sad thing is the OP has no idea how lucky he is.... 1
Larryville Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Why not just say it's over and thats it. Why all the bull**** of wanting to hangout? Why bull**** and say can't date anyone then go on a dating site. Ffs be honest people. Why lie and play with people's emotions. Portion from a report: Most people, lie once or twice a day—almost as often as they snack from the refrigerator or brush their teeth. Both men and women lie in approximately a fifth of their social exchanges lasting 10 or more minutes; over the course of a week they deceive about 30 percent of those with whom they interact one-on-one. Furthermore, some types of relationships, such as those between parents and teens, are virtual magnets for deception: "College students lie to their mothers in one out of two conversations," Take this presidential campaign season, every freaking politician who gets in front of a mic lies their @$$ off and people cheer the lies are rewarded. They don’t care that “their” candidate is a freaking liar. People today are conditioned to lie, some people lie even when the truth is far easier. Last part of study… Not surprisingly, research also confirms that the closer we are to someone, the more likely it is that the lies we tell them will be altruistic ones. This is particularly true of women: Although the sexes lie with equal frequency, women are especially likely to stretch the truth in order to protect someone else's feelings… I assume everyone I come in contact is a liar by nature until proven otherwise.
Gaeta Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 OK, hanging out with women last few months. Ups and downs as she was very hot and cold. Yet I thought got on well. How can you think things were going well when from the start you had ups and downs and she was very hot and cold. Not just a little but very as per your own words THEN you're blown away that she ends it and she's back online? Now you know that people with no consistency are bad news. No more dating women going hot & cold on you. 1
Author loveiswar101 Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 Thanks for replies guys and girls. I guess I got to invested, she showed a lot of affection to me and we spent fair bit of time together. Yet i m a black and white sort of person and hate the grey part. A simple LEAVE ME BE I'm not feeling it or not interested would of been a lot better for me to take as I have only been honest and kind to this women. As hard as it is I do hope I never hear from her again as this is a tough one to swallow at this time. I guess it's another lesson learned and more experienced gained. in one way I feel she has missed out and it really is her loss as I have lots to give to someone one day. But seeing her on another dating site certainly has closed the book here. Thanks all, onwards and upwards
smudge21 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Thanks for replies guys and girls. I guess I got to invested, she showed a lot of affection to me and we spent fair bit of time together. Yet i m a black and white sort of person and hate the grey part. A simple LEAVE ME BE I'm not feeling it or not interested would of been a lot better for me to take as I have only been honest and kind to this women. As hard as it is I do hope I never hear from her again as this is a tough one to swallow at this time. I guess it's another lesson learned and more experienced gained. in one way I feel she has missed out and it really is her loss as I have lots to give to someone one day. But seeing her on another dating site certainly has closed the book here. Thanks all, onwards and upwards Reality can really kick us hard sometimes. Take a moment, do whatever you want to do and then start again. Someone like this isn't worth your time.
RecentChange Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I think a lot of women, myself included really don't like to hurt feelings. Getting dumped sucks, but being the dumper sucks as well - especially if they didn't really do anything wrong, but for what ever reason I am just not feeling it. It's just easier to say "its not you, it's me" I am not ready for a relationship bla bla bla. Heck, I have NEVER had the guts to break up with any one without using "its not you, it's me". Gutsiest I ever got was to tell a guy I wasn't attracted to him when he wanted to set up a second date. And I felt bad having to say that! After just one date! He said he appreciated the honesty - like others pointed out, what did you want? For her to say she just wasn't into you?
joseb Posted March 12, 2016 Posted March 12, 2016 Also the man asking for the truth is obligated to not get upset and what he is told. Just listen and close with a thank you and a good bye. I think this is the problem, in reality very few people are able to take this on board without getting a bit upset. I know any time I've ever split up with someone, if start to give reasons they automatically try to argue and convince me I'm wrong. I've never heard "you know, you are right, I better work on that in the future. Thanks so much"! 3
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