She says we're fighting a lot to her friends, but not the same to me

[JustDreaming]

I'm a little confused lately, maybe you all could help clear this confusion up:

 

I'm 27 and my fiancé is 26. We've been dating for over 2 years, no rush to get married or anything like that.

My fiancé struggles with addiction, she has been on and off cocaine for many years (7 years) even before I met her.

 

We don't normally fight, or have any major fights. The majority are just small disagreements that last around 5 minutes and were back to being ourselves again. Fight content is generally drug related (i.e., stayed out all night doing drugs or partying, or her not having money for rent or simple necessities and therefore having me pay for everything). There are times where she is broke, and if I ask her where her money went, I feel like she gets a little offended and it bugs her if I ask. But I only ask if she has no money to pay, and I'm left with the bill yet again.

 

Sometimes I feel like I pay for everything..while her money is blown on alcohol or drugs. I always feel like I'm never enough for her most days, and if I don't pay for her sometimes I get this feeling of guilt inside because all I want to do is make her happy.

 

But recently,( and I've heard this in the past from people that she talks to), when they ask how our relationship is going...she tells them "we've been better, we fight a lot but no couple is perfect" ...she has told a lot of the people she talks to this very thing. Yet, when I ask her how she thinks me and her are doing she tells me that we're doing good and that she is happy. So I'm not really sure why she is playing us down...

She also told one of our friends that she hasn't said anything about the engagement to her grandma and just told her it was a promise ring...and said that her family hates me....She never said to me that they hate me..but yet is telling her friend this...

And still...she wants to see me all the time, even if I'm not paying for anything...our sex life is pretty good.

 

Our last "big" fight was drug related because she wanted to stay out all night instead of coming home and was doing drugs until 11am.

The most recent involved her telling me she wanted to pick up weed to smoke, but instead picked up cocaine and I drove her...to do this.

 

Back to her telling people we're fighting a lot...

In the past when she messaged someone on my phone when she was high, she told this person that she had lost her job (when she didn't) and that she lost me (when she didn't) just to make the drug dealer feel sorry for her like she was going through a rough time and didn't have money for cocaine.

 

It bugs me that she thinks we're always fighting but yet, we don't really fight at all...and if we do its more of a discussion on her getting clean, and it lasts like 5 minutes and everything is okay again...

 

I'm not really sure what I should think of all of this...I know it is a weird situation but your input would mean a lot.

 

 

thank you.

[MrBojangles]

I'm a little confused lately, maybe you all could help clear this confusion up:

 

I'm 27 and my fiancé is 26. We've been dating for over 2 years, no rush to get married or anything like that.

My fiancé struggles with addiction, she has been on and off cocaine for many years (7 years) even before I met her.

 

We don't normally fight, or have any major fights. The majority are just small disagreements that last around 5 minutes and were back to being ourselves again. Fight content is generally drug related (i.e., stayed out all night doing drugs or partying, or her not having money for rent or simple necessities and therefore having me pay for everything). There are times where she is broke, and if I ask her where her money went, I feel like she gets a little offended and it bugs her if I ask. But I only ask if she has no money to pay, and I'm left with the bill yet again.

 

Sometimes I feel like I pay for everything..while her money is blown on alcohol or drugs. I always feel like I'm never enough for her most days, and if I don't pay for her sometimes I get this feeling of guilt inside because all I want to do is make her happy.

 

But recently,( and I've heard this in the past from people that she talks to), when they ask how our relationship is going...she tells them "we've been better, we fight a lot but no couple is perfect" ...she has told a lot of the people she talks to this very thing. Yet, when I ask her how she thinks me and her are doing she tells me that we're doing good and that she is happy. So I'm not really sure why she is playing us down...

She also told one of our friends that she hasn't said anything about the engagement to her grandma and just told her it was a promise ring...and said that her family hates me....She never said to me that they hate me..but yet is telling her friend this...

And still...she wants to see me all the time, even if I'm not paying for anything...our sex life is pretty good.

 

Our last "big" fight was drug related because she wanted to stay out all night instead of coming home and was doing drugs until 11am.

The most recent involved her telling me she wanted to pick up weed to smoke, but instead picked up cocaine and I drove her...to do this.

 

Back to her telling people we're fighting a lot...

In the past when she messaged someone on my phone when she was high, she told this person that she had lost her job (when she didn't) and that she lost me (when she didn't) just to make the drug dealer feel sorry for her like she was going through a rough time and didn't have money for cocaine.

 

It bugs me that she thinks we're always fighting but yet, we don't really fight at all...and if we do its more of a discussion on her getting clean, and it lasts like 5 minutes and everything is okay again...

 

I'm not really sure what I should think of all of this...I know it is a weird situation but your input would mean a lot.

 

 

thank you.

 

 

It sounds like she may be using you, sorry to say that, but that's my take on your situation. She's probably being honest about her view of your relationship when she's telling her friends these things. Of course she's going to tell you the opposite because she doesn't want to "blow" her free ride, no pun intended.

 

I've been where you are, and it was a very stressful time, filled with heartache and disappointment. My ex constantly downplayed our relationship to her relatives and friends also, same as in your case. I finally woke up when I discovered my she was f@@king her drug dealer(s) to get her coke for free. I truly hope you reexamine your relationship with this woman before it gets to the point my situation did. Trust me, you do not want to be around if she ever becomes this desperate. It may never get this bad for you, but I'm just sharing what I went though in a similar situation.

Edited March 11, 2016 by MrBojangles

[d0nnivain]

She has a martyr mentality. She will do or say anything to get people to feel sorry for her. That is why she tells her friends you are always fighting because she wants them to think oh poor her.

 

 

You have bigger problems then her skewed perspective. She is still a drug addict. Until she's clean, you can't marry her and you really can't get her pregnant. Do you have any idea what drug use will do to a developing fetus?

 

 

Start going to Narc-anon meetings. They are support groups for people who love addicts.

[kendahke]

You are enabling her behavior by paying for her necessities.

 

No responsible, grown woman should be blowing her money on alcohol and drugs while at the same time being ass-out when it comes to where she lays her head at night.

 

Seriously, if I was you, I'd take an enormous step back from her. She has a whole lot of work to do to get clean and sober and right now, as long as you're enabling her behavior by constantly bailing her out, she has absolutely no incentive to change her tack. If she gets evicted because she didn't pay her rent, then that is the consequences of her choice to put her money up her nose or down her gullet.

 

Call of any marriage plans and stop calling her your fiancee. She's no where near being in a position to be the kind of wife you need--which is one who doesn't do drugs. In fact, why do you want a woman this messy? It's not like this drug/alcohol thing popped up last week with her.

[kendahke]

Back to her telling people we're fighting a lot...

In the past when she messaged someone on my phone when she was high, she told this person that she had lost her job (when she didn't) and that she lost me (when she didn't) just to make the drug dealer feel sorry for her like she was going through a rough time and didn't have money for cocaine.

 

And you can best believe his mantra is "b better have my money". The sob story is only going to go so far before he starts looking for payment. He's going to come looking for his money--like that old bumper sticker used to say "ass, grass or gas, no one rides for free". He's going to get his money even if it means he makes your girlfriend turn tricks to pay him back. It may be either that or they come for you for the money. Understand that.

 

Your girlfriend leads a very dangerous life and she's pulling you into it. You're trippin' off of her lying when you need to be more worried that she's lying because SHE CAN'T PAY HER COCAINE DEALER. You need to dump her and quick. Things are only going to get worse before they get better--and better means her having gone through rehab and been clean and sober for the very minimum of 18 months to 2 years.

 

For you own safety, you need to end this relationship.

[LostOnes05]

You are enabling her man!! I don't care if this was your own mother, at some point you have to say enough is enough. And you have no idea why she is telling friends you guys fight a lot?? I'd venture to say that you are being set up, nice and slow. When things go sour between you two, she'll already have her sympathy choir to take over where you left off. Not only that, if any altercation becomes physical you are already labelled as the bad guy by her family, and her friends...good luck with that one. If enough people believe a lie, their perception becomes reality...which means trouble for you.

 

Drug addicts place such a high value on reaching that high that you are just a pawn to get them there. How can you build a stable relationship with someone like that. Your 5 minute arguments aren't helping. Essentially, she is appeasing you enough to stay instead of resolving the crux of the issue (her drug use). Personally, I'd leave if she didn't sign into treatment immediately. I had a friend die from drug use...he lied about everything to the high heavens to garner sympathy...even covering up his drug use and projecting it on others.

 

And as Kendahke said, she's gonna pay for the drugs one way or another. Can you really live with all of this hanging over you? I wish you the best but you have to wake up and realize the part you play in this as well.

[spriggan2]

Please leave this relationship. It's the best thing for both of you. You don't need to ask her how she feels about the relationship, you already know it's toxic. Issues with you paying her rent and necessities are not minor disagreements, they are major problems. Dont get sucked in. You don't sound happy. She doesn't seem capable of caring about your happiness. Find someone who does. Don't save her, she don't wanna be saved.

[kendahke]

It bugs me that she thinks we're always fighting but yet, we don't really fight at all...and if we do its more of a discussion on her getting clean, and it lasts like 5 minutes and everything is okay again...

 

1. she doesn't want to get clean, which is why you keep having this "discussion".

2 she's telling her drug buddies this lie because they don't want her to not be a part of their "drug buddy" cartel.

3. she's a manipulative liar who is 300 light years from being the kind of woman you need to be with. Yeah, drugs/alcohol may be doing that for her, but you know what? That heavy lifting to get clean and sober is her burden to lift, not yours. She isn't going to do it as long as she's got everyone manipulated to do her bidding.

 

The moment you stop participating in this charade that she's running on you, you will see in short fashion the exact truth of who she is. Tell her you're not going to pay her bills/rent and see what happens.

 

Before you do that, change your locks on your home and be prepared for a beast to turn up.

[Rumely]

You need to just leave and make sure she knows why (drugs). The odds would be against it, but this maybe what it will take to make her hit her bottom. You need to take a deep look at yourself, possibly with professional help, as to why you would ever accept this behavior in your life. If at some future point, after you are both able to address your demons, then maybe you can get back together. Don't expect to get back together though, as when both of you are healed, you'll have no want or need for this relationship. This is a enabler, codependent relationship.

Edited March 11, 2016 by Rumely

[Redhead14]

I'm a little confused lately, maybe you all could help clear this confusion up:

 

I'm 27 and my fiancé is 26. We've been dating for over 2 years, no rush to get married or anything like that.

My fiancé struggles with addiction, she has been on and off cocaine for many years (7 years) even before I met her.

 

We don't normally fight, or have any major fights. The majority are just small disagreements that last around 5 minutes and were back to being ourselves again. Fight content is generally drug related (i.e., stayed out all night doing drugs or partying, or her not having money for rent or simple necessities and therefore having me pay for everything). There are times where she is broke, and if I ask her where her money went, I feel like she gets a little offended and it bugs her if I ask. But I only ask if she has no money to pay, and I'm left with the bill yet again.

 

Sometimes I feel like I pay for everything..while her money is blown on alcohol or drugs. I always feel like I'm never enough for her most days, and if I don't pay for her sometimes I get this feeling of guilt inside because all I want to do is make her happy.

 

But recently,( and I've heard this in the past from people that she talks to), when they ask how our relationship is going...she tells them "we've been better, we fight a lot but no couple is perfect" ...she has told a lot of the people she talks to this very thing. Yet, when I ask her how she thinks me and her are doing she tells me that we're doing good and that she is happy. So I'm not really sure why she is playing us down...

She also told one of our friends that she hasn't said anything about the engagement to her grandma and just told her it was a promise ring...and said that her family hates me....She never said to me that they hate me..but yet is telling her friend this...

And still...she wants to see me all the time, even if I'm not paying for anything...our sex life is pretty good.

 

Our last "big" fight was drug related because she wanted to stay out all night instead of coming home and was doing drugs until 11am.

The most recent involved her telling me she wanted to pick up weed to smoke, but instead picked up cocaine and I drove her...to do this.

 

Back to her telling people we're fighting a lot...

In the past when she messaged someone on my phone when she was high, she told this person that she had lost her job (when she didn't) and that she lost me (when she didn't) just to make the drug dealer feel sorry for her like she was going through a rough time and didn't have money for cocaine.

 

It bugs me that she thinks we're always fighting but yet, we don't really fight at all...and if we do its more of a discussion on her getting clean, and it lasts like 5 minutes and everything is okay again...

 

I'm not really sure what I should think of all of this...I know it is a weird situation but your input would mean a lot.

 

 

thank you.

 

Drug addicts lie. Plain and simple. They do it to manipulate, get attention, money, etc. They are often pathological liars.

 

I always feel like I'm never enough for her most days -- You aren't enough for her because she can never get enough of what she needs -- whether it's drugs or attention.

 

I get this feeling of guilt inside because all I want to do is make her happy. -- You are an enabler.

 

I ask her how she thinks me and her are doing she tells me that we're doing good and that she is happy. -- Of course, she tells you she's happy -- without you she will have a more difficult time getting her drugs and alcohol. You are an enabler.

 

Move on from her. You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt.

[JustDreaming]

@MrBojangles

 

Hey man, I appreciate the feedback here.

A lot of these things that I have talked about do technically mirror being taken advantage of. She recently owed me money, for a long time she didn't attempt to pay me, but I told her that I felt like she was just using me because she likes when I buy her ****. She acted truly offended to the comment, but who really knows how she feels right, considering she tells one thing to one person and another to someone else.

 

She did in fact pay me back..

 

I do a lot of thinking/reflecting on this relationship, and the truth is I do care very much and love this woman but at the same time love isn't always enough...I appreciate your input though.

 

Its going to be tough if she doesn't get clean...to leave..

[Cinnamonstix]

I second what everyone else has said here. Drug addicts really only value one thing - drugs. Glad to see you're open to the input.

 

I'd like to add that you might want to get that ring back. Sooner or later it will end up at at the pawn shop when she needs her coke fix and can't pay.

[JustDreaming]

She has a martyr mentality. She will do or say anything to get people to feel sorry for her. That is why she tells her friends you are always fighting because she wants them to think oh poor her.

 

 

You have bigger problems then her skewed perspective. She is still a drug addict. Until she's clean, you can't marry her and you really can't get her pregnant. Do you have any idea what drug use will do to a developing fetus?

 

 

Start going to Narc-anon meetings. They are support groups for people who love addicts.

 

I'd say you're pretty spot on with the whole sympathy game. She definitely loves to draw attention to herself.

 

As for AA meetings, she went back in september to meetings for a few months, but later said she just wasn't feeling the meetings and then eventually slipped.

As of now, we are awaiting a counsellor at an addictions agency and she says she is going to be clean...but that its going to be hard. (obviously).

But a part of her I don't think is serious to be sober from cocaine, and if that is the case I will eventually walk away because I can't just stay here and be in the same place.

[JustDreaming]

And you can best believe his mantra is "b better have my money". The sob story is only going to go so far before he starts looking for payment. He's going to come looking for his money--like that old bumper sticker used to say "ass, grass or gas, no one rides for free". He's going to get his money even if it means he makes your girlfriend turn tricks to pay him back. It may be either that or they come for you for the money. Understand that.

 

Your girlfriend leads a very dangerous life and she's pulling you into it. You're trippin' off of her lying when you need to be more worried that she's lying because SHE CAN'T PAY HER COCAINE DEALER. You need to dump her and quick. Things are only going to get worse before they get better--and better means her having gone through rehab and been clean and sober for the very minimum of 18 months to 2 years.

 

For you own safety, you need to end this relationship.

 

Thanks I appreciate this response. You're right and so is a lot of the responses on this forum. Future tense this relationship is heading to a dead end, especially if she is not getting clean. I see it, its just hard to leave when I care about her and her well being.

Not only do I love her but I care about her as a friend/best friend.

 

There are times where I want to end things and get frustrated but then I just don't. And I know that I will have to if this continues this way...right now she is going to be going to a counsellor for treatment..so I am hoping it works.

 

If not then I can't stay around this lifestyle anymore.

[JustDreaming]

1. she doesn't want to get clean, which is why you keep having this "discussion".

2 she's telling her drug buddies this lie because they don't want her to not be a part of their "drug buddy" cartel.

3. she's a manipulative liar who is 300 light years from being the kind of woman you need to be with. Yeah, drugs/alcohol may be doing that for her, but you know what? That heavy lifting to get clean and sober is her burden to lift, not yours. She isn't going to do it as long as she's got everyone manipulated to do her bidding.

 

The moment you stop participating in this charade that she's running on you, you will see in short fashion the exact truth of who she is. Tell her you're not going to pay her bills/rent and see what happens.

 

Before you do that, change your locks on your home and be prepared for a beast to turn up.

 

This right here says it all.

 

Honestly I'm going to just have myself a relaxing night out with the boys, clear my mind, have some time to think of what exactly I'm going to say and what we're going to talk about.

 

If she got clean, I'd stay and I'd be happier...but i find myself more disappointed and frustrated and unhappy lately. I don't want a woman who is playing games like this and using.

While just processing all this feedback I will be thinking about this exactly.

 

I might just need space for right now and go from there. I find that the more space I have, the more content I am. That might also help with the letting go process.

[JustDreaming]

You are enabling her man!! I don't care if this was your own mother, at some point you have to say enough is enough. And you have no idea why she is telling friends you guys fight a lot?? I'd venture to say that you are being set up, nice and slow. When things go sour between you two, she'll already have her sympathy choir to take over where you left off. Not only that, if any altercation becomes physical you are already labelled as the bad guy by her family, and her friends...good luck with that one. If enough people believe a lie, their perception becomes reality...which means trouble for you.

 

Drug addicts place such a high value on reaching that high that you are just a pawn to get them there. How can you build a stable relationship with someone like that. Your 5 minute arguments aren't helping. Essentially, she is appeasing you enough to stay instead of resolving the crux of the issue (her drug use). Personally, I'd leave if she didn't sign into treatment immediately. I had a friend die from drug use...he lied about everything to the high heavens to garner sympathy...even covering up his drug use and projecting it on others.

And as Kendahke said, she's gonna pay for the drugs one way or another. Can you really live with all of this hanging over you? I wish you the best but you have to wake up and realize the part you play in this as well.

 

I'm with you on this 100%, hopefully she does go to treatment and stops these games but she does seem flakey about the treatment thing.

The part thats bold: She used to lie and hide her use for months. Not to mention just lying in general about if she is out with friends using drugs etc.

Honestly sometimes I'm afraid she will have her last line...obviously I have a heart I wouldn't want to see that. Even if her and I are not together I hope for her sake she does seek treatment and better herself.

[d0nnivain]

As for AA meetings, she went back in september to meetings for a few months, but later said she just wasn't feeling the meetings and then eventually slipped.

 

I'm not telling you to tell her to go to a meeting. I am telling YOU to to go meetings. Check out this group: Nar-Anon Family Groups It's for people like you who love drug addicts. They will open your eyes to YOUR behaviors.

[kendahke]

Thanks I appreciate this response. You're right and so is a lot of the responses on this forum. Future tense this relationship is heading to a dead end, especially if she is not getting clean. I see it, its just hard to leave when I care about her and her well being.

Not only do I love her but I care about her as a friend/best friend.

 

There are times where I want to end things and get frustrated but then I just don't. And I know that I will have to if this continues this way...right now she is going to be going to a counsellor for treatment..so I am hoping it works.

 

If not then I can't stay around this lifestyle anymore.

 

You can love her and care about her and not be in her life or enable her destructive behavior.

 

Her reward for not taking her getting off of drugs that seriously is you hanging around, maintaining the status quo. There are no real consequences from you when she backslide and goes off running with her drug buddies... you're not going anywhere, so she'll do enough to shut you up so she doesn't have to hear your complaining, but just like you said earlier--she went for rehab and then decided she wasn't feeling it. Why wasn't she feeling it? Because you are there to pay her bills and hold down the fort so why should she inconvenience herself with rehab? It's you, not her, that wants this and as long as that dynamic is in play, she ain't getting sober and clean anytime soon.

 

So, the question becomes: how much of your youth and treasury are you willing to waste behind someone who maintains such a slender consideration for you?