i am overthinking...overanalyzing. [updated]

May 4, 2016

You wouldn't keep recalling all of the nice things you've done for her if you didn't think on some level that those deeds should have made her like you more or even love you.

You're missing the forest for the trees, guy.

Blanco is a millionty percent right here. Doing things for her won't make her like you. Also, if you're only doing things for her to get something in return then the things you're doing aren't coming from the right place anyway so it's not worth it.

I'm afraid this relationship is doomed.

May 4, 2016

Well it's over. She sent me a message last night 23:30 that she has been thinking and need a time out. And after that "sleep well". Well obviously I couldn't sleep and panicked so I drove to her place at the middle of the night. She said she need to concentrate more on herself and kids and maybe see me 1-2 times per week.ped.

I'm really confused!

You say here it's over then that she wants to slow down and see you 1-2 time per week.

Which actually is it?

May 4, 2016

It's both and this isn't the first time that this woman has pulled back. That's a bad omen in a LTR, but a major red flag after FOUR months.

Unfortunately, OP has shown extremely poor judgment when it comes to the women he gets involved with, and it doesn't appear that he's ready to change that.

May 4, 2016

Think she is trying to let you down gently. (Leave you)

So. Maybe you should take a hint now.

May 4, 2016

I'm really confused!
You say here it's over then that she wants to slow down and see you 1-2 time per week.

Which actually is it?

It's not over yet.She mentioned last night when we went to sleep that "...or we could see maybe 1-2 times a week. I want to sleep alone most of the nights". She has been tired lately. Literally tired.

And we barely got to talk last night as it was so late. I really wish i could see her and talk about this.

But she keeps messing with my head. "let's take distance" then she is still the one who sends messages to me. She even replied to my good night message immeaditely. Usually it has taken her 30 minutes or she hasn't replied at all...

May 4, 2016

It's not over yet.She mentioned last night when we went to sleep that "...or we could see maybe 1-2 times a week. I want to sleep alone most of the nights". She has been tired lately. Literally tired.

And we barely got to talk last night as it was so late. I really wish i could see her and talk about this.

But she keeps messing with my head. "let's take distance" then she is still the one who sends messages to me. She even replied to my good night message immeaditely. Usually it has taken her 30 minutes or she hasn't replied at all...

She has fibromyalgia, depression and a child plus now on top she appears to have to look after your happiness also all of the time.

She needs a break. Get yourself some friends and some hobbies.

You're suffocating her.

May 4, 2016

She has fibromyalgia, depression and a child plus now on top she appears to have to look after your happiness also all of the time.
She needs a break. Get yourself some friends and some hobbies.
You're suffocating her.

Yes, that is what i was thinking. I bought her roses and a heart shaped balloon just in one week. I am suffocating her that is why she needs a break i think.

She also has bi-polar. So yes. I need to give her time and she needs her space. She is exhausted. Now i just want to go and talk with her and let her know that i understand. I really don't want to lose her.

May 4, 2016

There are none so blind as those who choose not to see.

I can imagine coming back to this thread in 5 years time to find OP has wifed her up and is a broken husk of a man still trying to convince himself that, at least on the surface, everything is fine.

There are other women out there OP. Millions, nay billions of them who do not have the sheer baggage that this one does. Just let that sink in for 5 minutes and think about it.

Good luck.

May 4, 2016

Five years is being generous. It's been four months and look at everything he's excused already.

Anyone who hasn't yet, I suggest going to the OP's thread about his previous girlfriend. Lots of bad patterns being repeated here; lots of excuses; lots of blatant disregard for obvious red flags. I'm beginning to think it would take a woman to relentlessly treat him like absolute trash for him to admit that they are a poor choice for a partner.

OP definitely has shown signs of being suffocating and, honestly, I can see merit in the woman saying she feels like she has three kids because of the OP. That doesn't excuse a ton of suspect behavior on her part.

May 5, 2016

MAnaged to come up with good subjects to talk about with her. Funny how she immeaditely responded on my facebook page (posted a picture havin a glass of long dring at seaside restaurant). "Oh so you're having evening like that".

Maybe i just wanted to show her that i can go places too, without her. Actually i was with my father, had to drive him there and he offered me one as a reward.

But i came up with good subjects i want to talk about with her:

1) Giving personal space. After some thinking i realized that i may actually be suffocating you. You haven't had a single free weekend since we started dating. You have always been with me, with kids, or both. Also i have not given myself enough free time for my hobbies etc. It stresses both of us. I love spending time with you, but we need more own time for now at least as you have lot of going on.

2) I MUST NOT have alcohol with you. I have made a mistake as you have medication with RED TRIANGLE. I have been stupid. I must respect those rules. Of course you decide if you want to drink or not, but i must not encourage you to do so by buying wine etc. to your place.(NOTE: This is actually the worst i've done. I just sometimes completely forget she has mental illness and medication. I feel horrible for that. And i've just tried to be nice to bring bottle of red wine now and then).

3) I can't just pop behind your door unannounced. I have good intentions, i just wanted to do a surprise visit and cheer you up. Now i realise it has been wrong. No one likes if someone pops unannounced, dating or not. I need to let you know before i come and visit. (Note: Once she was so mad at me, that she just said to me in text message to stay out. Then i popped in anyway, she cheered up, told me "it's so nice you think of me. And show me you have guts." So i get bit confused...)

4) I want to participate on your home chores. I spend time at your place so i want to help out, but you need to show me HOW. This is still a strange house to me, i have no idea where you keep anything so you need to show me. I can assist you, let me. Also i want to buy you some milk etc. once a while in your fridge, since i use them when i am here.

5) I can't blame you for things you haven't done. You have done nothing wrong to me for this whole time and i still feel unsecure when you want to go party with your friends. It's in my head. I start to make these strange images in my head. I've been hurt before but i can't assume you are like that.

6) I pay too much attention to you. I love you too much. I suffocate you. I buy you roses, heart shaped balloons, i put notes under your mouse, in doors. I constantly say i love you, honey, darling, and put emojis in messages (Not too many. Just heart or kiss once a while) etc. i am always at your skin. I need to fix that. When i imagine you would be constantly hugging me (or trying to), being next to each other etc. honey darling i love you. I would suffocate too. It drains energy. In good amount it's ok but too much is too much. I need to give you more space. That doesn't mean i don't love to hug you, or kiss you or whatever but i have a feeling i've seeked too much attention from you. And that is again because i feel unsecure about your feelings towards me, i try to fix it by being too lovey dovey.

I think those are good points. Those are faults i find from myself, nothing i cannot fix. I just need to concentrate on them and once a while STOP and analyze my behaviour. And i've been thinking about getting medication or therapy for my problems. I can't continue like this, every RS will eventually turn out the same if i keep doing what i do.

The problem is that i have good intentions, i want nothing bad for anyone but i am blind to my own actions. I just don't understand what my behaviour causes in other people. That is a problem.

Like for example showing too much attention. I want to hug, kiss, whatever and other one "pushes" me away "not now". I take it too personally, i think that "oh no, she does not like me anymore". I have very black and white thinking and i overreact to the smallest things.

This is some good stuff i found from myself. Never hurts to do some self analyzing. And this kind of stuff is what destroys relationships. Unless i can fix those, i can never have a healthy relationship.

I am not saying everything is my fault in this RS, but now i realize my own behaviour could have lead into this what is going on at the moment.

Also i would now like to mention about my childhood. I had very loving parents, so nothing there. I really loved them and i think they raised me up well. But the one thing that probably has caused me some dysfunction is because i was teased and bullied at school. For many years. That may have caused some damage in me, mentally. Back in school i used to live inside my own head, i was a huge day dreamer since i thought if i don't do nothing stupid or say anything, no one can pick me for anything.

So what do you think about my list?

Edited May 5, 2016 by Protec

May 5, 2016

Sorry to hear about you and your girlfriend. A Breaking up is hard in itself, I can imagine this is hard b/c you didn’t suspect this would happen. Have you been able to talk to her about how you feel? Despite her expressing she needs space I think it’s important she understand how you feel about this surprising break-up. Maybe during that time you both can discuss the expectations you both have of each other during this time. I hope this helps. Sending you positive vibes and blessings

May 5, 2016

Sorry to hear about you and your girlfriend. A Breaking up is hard in itself, I can imagine this is hard b/c you didn’t suspect this would happen. Have you been able to talk to her about how you feel? Despite her expressing she needs space I think it’s important she understand how you feel about this surprising break-up. Maybe during that time you both can discuss the expectations you both have of each other during this time. I hope this helps. Sending you positive vibes and blessings

Thank you. We are still in relationship. We have not break up yet.

May 5, 2016

Dear me.

It's over. It just hasn't been said yet.

May 5, 2016

Self examination can be good.

But i think you need to be on your own for a while.

Sort yourself out a bit before having a RS. This RS is so back and forth and seems largely about what she needs from you.

I think she is trying to nicely extricate herself from you. She`s given enough hints.

Time to walk away. Hopefully into the sunset.

May 5, 2016

Self examination can be good.

But i think you need to be on your own for a while.

Sort yourself out a bit before having a RS. This RS is so back and forth and seems largely about what she needs from you.

I think she is trying to nicely extricate herself from you. She`s given enough hints.

Time to walk away. Hopefully into the sunset.

Actually i called her today and she seemed to be in ok mood. I have a feeling we just need our own time now. I'm go at her place today and say what i have to say. We are STILL in relationship in facebook and i think she would not answer my phonecalls if she did not want to talk with me.

We have not argued about anything. I want to save this one.

And also, i saw my friend today after a long long while. It felt good. So i noticed that i need to socialize with my friends too once in a while.

I am not gonna call it quits yet.

She said in the phone she went to sleep very late...i dunno if it was because of that picture i posted in facebook (a picture of drink). She commented on the picture but did not like it...which is funny. And her brains are bit like mine, she thinks A LOT...

But. I have to talk with her today. In a calm way. No begging. No whining. I will tell her what i think about this and how we should change things.

Actually i think this whole thing is because lack of communication...

I am always like this. No amount of time can heal me. I even had 1,5 years once before next RS and all these same problems arose again. There is a problem with my behaviour. And as long as i continue to act like this with every woman i date, i cant ever have a healthy relationship.

I have been too selfish. I havent thought about her at all. It's has been about MY needs, what i want. I want closeness and sleep next to her. While she is super stressed about everything (money, kids, her health). I've been trying to push my self closer and closer without noticing i drain the last drop of her energy.

Edited May 5, 2016 by Protec

May 5, 2016

There is nothing more to talk about. Keep your list for your next relationship. You don't respect her boundaries and she doesn't want to be with you. If I broke up with someone and they showed up at my door, I'd probably call the police on them because it's unwanted.

You have made all the problems in this relationship about your needs, and your issues and your wants. She's not healthy or stable and cannot be with you. Accept it. This is not about you. You're being really selfish by forcing her to be around you. You are broken up. Please move on.

May 5, 2016

You two aren't good for each other. She's not emotionally available and you're emotionally insecure. That's a recipe for disaster not even considering the numerous other problems you two have already had. You haven't even been together five months and you've experienced more conflict and emotional exhaustion than most couples experience in relationships five times as long.

Your list is fine in terms of things to address, but I don't think you can realistically do so while in a relationship. Or more specifically, this relationship.

May 6, 2016

God. I just wrote a long story and it got lost.

Let's make it short.

-evening was hard. Mood changes a lot.

-she had alcohol with meds.

-we talked about those 6 points on my list. She agrees on some.

-talked about insecurity. She understands and wants to forget I snapped at her.

-talked more about stuff.

-had amazing sex

-says she will not drink at the party. As she knows it will go out of control.

-says she enjoys being near me.

-I let her and she says she loves me. She can tell from the way I touch her.

-she pets me. Its been long time since she has done that.

-we fall asleep smiling. Wake up. She smiles a lot. "not a grumpy morning after all :)"

-I make coffee she wishes me good day at work and calls me darling.

May 6, 2016

A great way to show you are serious about dealing with your insecurities and incessant need for validation would've been to actually leave this relationship. Stand on your own two feet; get counseling; actually deal with your issues.

Instead, you two have put a band-aid over a gaping wound and things will be OK for a bit, maybe a week or two, before the inevitable return to the status quo happens.

You're gonna go out of your way to not appear needy, which I suspect you'll do by second guessing almost anything you do or say so that it can be to her liking. And in doing so, you'll be even more submissive and a desperate people-pleaser than you've already been.

May 6, 2016

God. I just wrote a long story and it got lost.
Let's make it short.

-evening was hard. Mood changes a lot.
-she had alcohol with meds.
-we talked about those 6 points on my list. She agrees on some.
-talked about insecurity. She understands and wants to forget I snapped at her.
-talked more about stuff.
-had amazing sex
-says she will not drink at the party. As she knows it will go out of control.
-says she enjoys being near me.
-I let her and she says she loves me. She can tell from the way I touch her.
-she pets me. Its been long time since she has done that.
-we fall asleep smiling. Wake up. She smiles a lot. "not a grumpy morning after all :)"
-I make coffee she wishes me good day at work and calls me darling.

So, she went ahead and had alcohol with her meds again. Wouldn't you appreciate having 'amazing sex' that isn't influenced by chemicals?

She pets you? Are you a dog? What does that even mean?

Stop reading so much into making coffee, packing lunches, and wishing someone a good day. I'd do that for my brother. AND call him darling, 'darling bro'.

May 6, 2016

A great way to show you are serious about dealing with your insecurities and incessant need for validation would've been to actually leave this relationship. Stand on your own two feet; get counseling; actually deal with your issues.

Instead, you two have put a band-aid over a gaping wound and things will be OK for a bit, maybe a week or two, before the inevitable return to the status quo happens.

You're gonna go out of your way to not appear needy, which I suspect you'll do by second guessing almost anything you do or say so that it can be to her liking. And in doing so, you'll be even more submissive and a desperate people-pleaser than you've already been.

Wasting your breath. This thread is just an echo chamber where OP comes to post all the things that is wrong about his relationship without wishing to do anything about it. There is no advice that can help him it seems. He is hell bent on finding out what being at rock bottom is all about.

May 6, 2016

I want to get better in dating etc. Being better human being. I will not leave people over matters. I want to solve them, together. Ofc I would love to have rs without issues. But he

I will get therapy for my issues. I have to. I can't control them as well as i want to.

Usually when I am tired and have drinking I act snappy and jealous. Solution: Sleep more, stop drinking. Period. I need to get serious. Can't keep messing things up. This is not a game. I love her kids. I love her. That is why I am here. To seeks advice and to see things for other perspective. You may not believe but you have helped me a lot.

May 6, 2016

So, she went ahead and had alcohol with her meds again. Wouldn't you appreciate having 'amazing sex' that isn't influenced by chemicals?

She pets you? Are you a dog? What does that even mean?

Stop reading so much into making coffee, packing lunches, and wishing someone a good day. I'd do that for my brother. AND call him darling, 'darling bro'.

No. I made her coffee. I don't knownthe word for it. She kept me close and scrathed me etc. Gently. I am not a dog no.

I have never called my sister "darling"...

But anyway. I am happy for the result that we got to talk. She told me things too and now I realize how stupid I acted in some cases.

Also I told her about things i don't like in her. She agreed with me.

May 6, 2016

Wasting your breath. This thread is just an echo chamber where OP comes to post all the things that is wrong about his relationship without wishing to do anything about it. There is no advice that can help him it seems. He is hell bent on finding out what being at rock bottom is all about.

Yeah, unfortunately I knew as much while contributing far too often to his thread about his last girlfriend. That thread was similar in a lot of ways to this one and only petered out because he found the woman that this thread is about.

I wouldn't expect anyone to go read that 300+ reply monstrosity, but even taking in the first couple of pages of that thread will make you see so many similarities compared to this one.

May 6, 2016

Yeah, unfortunately I knew as much while contributing far too often to his thread about his last girlfriend. That thread was similar in a lot of ways to this one and only petered out because he found the woman that this thread is about.

I wouldn't expect anyone to go read that 300+ reply monstrosity, but even taking in the first couple of pages of that thread will make you see so many similarities compared to this one.

Guess i have a bad habit dating unstable people. Well. I aint't so stable myself either.

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i am overthinking...overanalyzing. [updated]

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