i am overthinking...overanalyzing. [updated]

[Mjm1014]

Also, if she's going to a nightclub and actually needs rescued because she's drinking too much...another red flag. Her inhibitions are lowered and she's going to do something stupid if you give it enough time since poor decisions happen when you drink especially in excess amounts in that sort of atmosphere.

 

Idk man the more I think about it, I wouldn't deal with that at all. She sounds like trouble. You're going to end up burned eventually if you don't get to the bottom of this.

[MidwestUSA]

You seem determined to carry this dysfunctional relationship out to its inevitable end.

 

So, I'll just suggest you take time to make some other friends, both male and female, while she's out doing her own thing.

 

People don't change for other people, they change for themselves. She's not going to change.

[ExpatInItaly]

So she wants to party with her friends, never asks you to join in, and specifically tells you that you're not welcome?

 

Sorry, but your instincts are correct - this is a bad sign indeed. She's keeping you out of that part of her life for a reason and you're playing along.

 

Why are you tolerating it?

[Protec]

Well, onenof her friends is single and the other one is in relationship.

Last time she didn't do anything wrong. And she is 32. Mother of 2 kids. I understand when the kids are away for a week she wants to relax. But so do I. Its also every other week I can spend time alone with her without kids.

 

Maybe I am being paranoid because I got cheated on few years ago in similar situation. My gf back then wanted go to a cruise boat with her friends... I was not allowed to go.

 

Also, I feel bit jealous because she dresses herself up super sexy and I can't go have fun with her... I want to dance with her, have fun....but I am never invited.

 

Why i tolerate this...well. That is a good question...

 

I like her. She even made me breakfast to my work this morning. She bought me the batman bank from flea market. We had sex 7 times last weekend. There is some awesome qualities in her I cant explain.

 

But yes, dating should not feel like this. I feel like i am in a game. Psychological game.

I have no idea if she has acted like this in her previous relationships.

[MidwestUSA]

Do YOU ask HER out on dates where she can dress up? Do you take her dancing?

 

Or do you just expect that you're going to hang out and have sex seven times on the weekends she doesn't have the kids?

[PegNosePete]

Goodness, she's a known cheater and is acting like a single girl. Why on earth are you carrying on this ridiculous charade? She's quite openly and obviously looking for other guys.

 

I'm intrigued by what you mean when you said you had to "rescue" her, but I suspect the answer to this will simply add more evidence to my "get rid of her" vote.

[MidwestUSA]

I get the feeling her 'awesome' qualities revolve around the bedroom and thoughtful trinkets from flea markets (nothing wrong with that, btw).

 

What else is she bringing to the table, for you? Besides breakfast?

[Protec]

Well we met in tinder. And have dated for 4 months. I've seen her parents and family and she has seen mine. I am serious about the relationship and she has said many times to me that she loves me. But also she has said aome bad things... Well she was drunk then but said she could never imagine us living together as a family. It hurt me.

 

Because I am a good man. Sure I am not the most handy man around but I care. I genuinely care and think about others. I even bought small gifts for her kids. A skylanders towel and minions lunch box. Cause I wanted to show her her kids mean something to me too.

 

Maybe I am just too nice then. Getting stomped on again. She seriously did not understand why I got pissed when she said she wants to go other city with her friend to party.

 

Then later that weekend she thanked me and said she loved me and had much more fun with me than her friend.

 

She has bi polar. So you know.

[Protec]

Do YOU ask HER out on dates where she can dress up? Do you take her dancing?

 

Or do you just expect that you're going to hang out and have sex seven times on the weekends she doesn't have the kids?

 

I asked her to a club one weekend so we could have fun. She said no.

Later that weekend we went to a cruise boat. I have no idea what is going on.

[MidwestUSA]

Yes, she has bipolar. And it's not controlled.

 

But you seem to have a case of doormatitis.

[Protec]

And about that rescue.

 

She went out to have a girls night. I promised to be a driver and drive her and her friends home.

 

I was having one beer with my friend I a nearby bar because it was nonuse forme todrive back and forth because of distance. We made a deal with gf that we would leave at 02:00.

 

I tried to contact her many times, but she did not reply in 2 hours. So my only option was to go to that club where my gf was. She was completely wasted and expaimed she did not hear the phone etc. Which is complete bs because you usually check your phone at least when you've made a deal that someone is picking you up.

 

There she was outside with her friend talking to some italian guy.

 

So... There.

[Protec]

I learning. I've stood up to her few times now. She should know I am not a complete doormat.

[PegNosePete]

she has said aome bad things... Well she was drunk

Have you ever heard the phrase, "in vino veritas"? Google it.

 

There she was outside with her friend talking to some italian guy.

Yes, talking to guys is why single girls go to nightclubs. That is why she goes. And you're OK to be her taxi service?

 

She should know I am not a complete doormat.

No, she knows she can keep on getting away with her current behaviour over and over, because you keep on letting her.

 

I wonder how she would react if you were to say you're not comfortable with a girl who is supposedly not single acting like a single girl, and that if she values her relationship she will act like someone who is in a relationship and stop going out to nightclubs without you?

[MidwestUSA]

 

I wonder how she would react if you were to say you're not comfortable with a girl who is supposedly not single acting like a single girl, and that if she values her relationship she will act like someone who is in a relationship and stop going out to nightclubs without you?

 

I'll take a guess.

 

'I hate you, get out of my house'.

[PegNosePete]

I'll take a guess.

 

'I hate you, get out of my house'.

Nah, I think she'd put a bit more effort to hold on to her taxi service.

 

"Why are you trying to change me? I love you. You should accept me for who I am. All the other dirtbags in the past tried to change me. Please don't be like them *cries*"

[elaine567]

She is acting single yet has good old Protec to fill in any gaps for her.

Stop being that guy, this is not scoring you any brownie points here.

One night she will meet Prince Charming and it will then be

"Protec? Protec who?"

[Protec]

Well, I was thinking maybe she takes me for granted...

 

And een few weeks ago I still was her prince charming. "its so easy and natural being with you. I really love who you are etc." So on and so on.

 

I listen. I read every post and got some good . I'll see how this weekend goes...

 

But yeah. She acts like single.

 

Every time we are apart for few days this happens. Ever since we started this its been like this. She goes all weird when I spend few days at home. Because I want to give her space and i need some my own time too.

 

And she is also jealous about my whatsapp. I talked with my aiater on whatsapp ome evening andshe got mad. "who are you talking with?" Because her ex was always on phone talking with girls it means I do it too.

 

And also! I've thought about getting to doctor because i have trouble defending myself. And usually I take all the crap so long until i explode.

[PegNosePete]

usually I take all the crap so long until i explode.

Have you thought about maybe changing that policy? It doesn't seem to be working very well for you so far, does it?

[insert_name]

Nah, I think she'd put a bit more effort to hold on to her taxi service.

 

"Why are you trying to change me? I love you. You should accept me for who I am. All the other dirtbags in the past tried to change me. Please don't be like them *cries*"

 

Cynical, but more than likely true.

[insert_name]

Well, I was thinking maybe she takes me for granted...

 

And een few weeks ago I still was her prince charming. "its so easy and natural being with you. I really love who you are etc." So on and so on.

 

I listen. I read every post and got some good . I'll see how this weekend goes...

 

But yeah. She acts like single.

 

Every time we are apart for few days this happens. Ever since we started this its been like this. She goes all weird when I spend few days at home. Because I want to give her space and i need some my own time too.

 

And she is also jealous about my whatsapp. I talked with my aiater on whatsapp ome evening andshe got mad. "who are you talking with?" Because her ex was always on phone talking with girls it means I do it too.

 

And also! I've thought about getting to doctor because i have trouble defending myself. And usually I take all the crap so long until i explode.

 

What she means it is so easy for her to be who she really is with you because you put up with her true nature. She loves who you are because you are that breed of guy who will let her have her cake and eat it and hold her coat for her while she eats it. And when she uses the word 'love' she is referring to the sort of love someone has for their dog when they come home and find it there waiting for them when they get in, wagging it's tail, it isn't the same sort of love that any man should be wanting from his partner.

 

Lay down the law or get rid, sadly for you OP I think they are two different recipes for the same dish. Either way you will be much better off afterwards because it can hardly be worse at the moment from what you have written.

[Protec]

Her ex's used to be very controlling. Deciding what she can wear etc. And we do have good chemistry.

 

But also I've been thinking that I am just a rebound guy...

 

We used to snuggle innte couch when kids were sleeping etc. Now there is almost nomenof that. She hasnt massaged me in ages but complains to me alot if I dont massage her...

 

I need to spot thinking. I think too much.

 

Need to clear my head again.

 

Sorry for these posts. Here, grab a pil for headache *throws pills*.

[Maxtor]

Respect yourself. You are not here to please anyone. Not even that girl. Please youself.

 

"Chemistry", "we are good together" etc are just words.

 

Actions are far more important.

[insert_name]

Her ex's used to be very controlling. Deciding what she can wear etc. And we do have good chemistry.

 

But also I've been thinking that I am just a rebound guy...

 

We used to snuggle innte couch when kids were sleeping etc. Now there is almost nomenof that. She hasnt massaged me in ages but complains to me alot if I dont massage her...

 

I need to spot thinking. I think too much.

 

Need to clear my head again.

 

Sorry for these posts. Here, grab a pil for headache *throws pills*.

 

It is funny you should say that about controlling.....

 

.....because I have been there OP, I recognise myself in you in the way you are behaving. I dated a girl recently, fell for her real hard. But her words never lined up with her actions. Whilst she told me what I wanted to hear she was pushing boundaries and taking liberties.

 

You know what? She told me that her ex was really controlling. Surprise surprise eh? At the time I was really sympathetic, I wondered why someone could possibly want to make this sweet innocent girl so cowed and timid....

 

Looking back with eyes wide open, having finally seen how her love of partying and her penchant for using people made her anything but relationship material, I actually think that the only way to handle a girl like that is to be controlling. You have to know where she is at all times and lay down the law because left to her own devices she will be up to no good- it is just who she is. Of course the girl herself doesn't like this and chooses to see it as controlling behaviour so she doesn't have to take any responsibility for the situation.

 

From what you have said the girl you are dating and the one I am referring to are similar in many ways. They both prioritise partying and a life free of responsibility, girls like that are hook up material and are not to be taken seriously or falling for. It seems to be a characteristic with these types of girls that they all have controlling ex's with no sense of introspection as to what has lead to that situation. I would be interested to know whether she had problems with an absent father figure because that also seems to be common in girls who like to live like a teenager long after they should be old enough to know better.

[ChickiePops]

Why shouldn't she hang out with her friends? And why shouldn't she go dancing? I spend time with my friends without my boyfriend around and he does the same.

 

I agree that drinking to get wasted is stupid and immature..but it IS very controlling to expect to be invited to girls nights out or when she wants to spend time alone with her kids.

 

She has every right to a life outside of you. Why don't you get a life of your own outside of her so you don't get butt hurt because she doesn't want to spend every waking moment with you?

[LoveRefreshed]

There's a difference between controlling and demanding respect.

 

Had to teach my gf that whose exhusband was super controlling.

 

Your gf is being quite bluntly disrespectful.

 

In your case, I would not have waited 2 hours nor gone to look for her. I call once at the time, it's on her to call me back. If she waits 2 hours, she can walk.

 

I don't know how to solve your issue completely, but a spiteful quid pro quo comment won't get you far with her most likely. You're more likely to do better with a back bone. Tell her if she's going without you, she's going single. Then break up with her and send her packing.