i am overthinking...overanalyzing. [updated]

[Blanco]

You also need to remember that there's a child involved. That in and of itself is a major undertaking, especially when they are not your own.

 

I just think that between this incident and your other topics about this relatively young relationship, there are red flags all over the place that you are opting to ignore in favor of coupling up.

 

Most people who have been involved in a toxic relationship are able to look back and realize, in retrospect, that there were probably warning signs that were precursors to some of the problems that later plagued the relationship.

 

You've shown that you're going to proceed with what you want to do regardless of what others say, but I think this relationship has trouble written all over it. For you.

[Emilia]

"You do in fact seek these women out, you deem the emotionally healthy ones boring."

 

-No. I don't decide to who i fall in love to. She was nice when i met her. She has been nice to this far. I've dated her for 3 months now. And i still like her. Today we went to a coffee shop and IKEA.

 

"You stick around, most likely because you were raised in a difficult environment and don't know better.

 

-Wrong. I was not raised in difficult enviroment. Had lots of friends etc. But my family was poor yes, but i had awesome childhood and i love my parents and have very good relationship with my father and sister. Unfortunately my mother died when i was 22.

 

Don't try to analyze me please. I know what i am better than you do.

I don't abandon people if they are having hard time. I don't know about you if you ditch everyone when the first problem arises but i don't.

 

I just don't like the fact that you are so hostile towards me like i am the villain here.

 

i just needed some advice to handle this situation and ATU gave me good advice. So thanks ATU

 

It isn't hostility. I'm trying to snap you out of your learned helplessness.

 

This isn't your first toxic relationship, there is something in the way you were raised that encourages codependence. You are not looking out for yourself.

 

Codependence is not love, it's not caring. It's a form of control where you are in the relationship because you THINK you know what your girlfriend needs. It's not for you to decide but for her.

 

You are responsible for your own decisions and failings, let her be responsible for hers. If she isn't capable of doing her best to be a responsible partner who takes her medication and therapy, etc, you have to consider your options.

 

It's not your place to decide what is best for her.

[Blanco]

Holy crap, I hadn't seen your last two threads about this relationship. What a mess.

 

I'll be concise: This woman has a ton of issues and you're managing to actually make it worse. She's got so much on her plate that she shouldn't be dating anyone, let alone someone who needs as much reassurance and attention as you do.

 

I was saying this in your thread about the last girlfriend: You've got some serious issues that you need to unpack and figure out. You can't be any good for someone unless you're good for yourself first.

 

I and many others urged you in that thread to seek some counseling and get started down the path to figuring out why you stayed in such a toxic relationship for as long as you did. You insisted you didn't need to. I and many others told you that you needed to heal and work on yourself before worrying about dating. You insisted you didn't.

 

In the span of maybe a couple of weeks you went from being distraught about your toxic ex to involved with this woman. All you did was find a new host for your issues. Problem is, this new woman has a ton of issues herself. The combination is sheer madness.

 

Get out of this. And please, work on your issues. It's the harder route to take, but you're going to keep having dramatic, garbage relationships if you continue to put off this essential work.

[Maxtor]

I just need to point out:

 

You are not a hero. You are not being a hero. You are being disrespected and being too soft.

 

Want to be a hero? Join the firefighters.

[BlueIris]

...I seriously need to talk about this with her and maybe if i could even talk with her doctor... i mean stuff like this cannot go on. If she gets those sudden rage bursts with me...then how she handles the kids...who are complete menace....

 

That alone would be too much for me. Do you want a lifetime of that? Or are you hoping she'll change? Codependents usually want the other person to change and, consciously or not, stay in the relationship to change the other person. I was a full-blown codie with an ex who had bipolar disorder. It's not good or nice for either person. It's really best to get out of this relationship.

[Protec]

It's incredibly irresponsible for her to stop SSRIs cold turkey without even consulting the doctor. Depending on what doses she was on, she could have seriously caused harm to herself or to you. SSRIs need to be stopped slowly, if they are stopped at all (and I don't see anything wrong with continuing to take medication that is needed).

 

If she was doing her best, going to CBT sessions, taking her meds as instructed, I might agree with you trying to stay with her and help her. Given that she doesn't seem at all interested in working on her depression, I don't see why you are trying so hard. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot force it to drink.

 

She has group therapy sessions at Mondays and 1 on 1 on Wednesdays. She gas to go to those because otherwise she can't get the benefits from social security. She does her best... But what I am afraid is sometimes doing your best just isn't enough. Her ex's constantly bully her about everything and it drains her a lot. Also the kids still have no control. They hit her, throw food on the floor and just laugh. Its horrible. The kids don't respect their mother at all.

[Protec]

Again. I don't want her to change. We have fun together. She takes her medicines again now. She is just having hard time in her life now. She does not treat me badly. We have great sex, we enjoy each other and do stuff together.

 

I take care of myself. I give myself time to do my own stuff, like go to gym, do music etc. And also I give her space to do her stuff now and then.

 

I know my ex-RS was horrible. I see that now. And probably the reason I was in it for that long was that we lived together. Started to realize it after I got in rs with my current one. How differently she treats me. Sure, there has been some issues lately, but that's because of she stopped the medication.

 

I have learned so much from all this.

[Protec]

"These helper types are often dependent on the other person's poor functioning to satisfy their own emotional needs".

 

I don't satisfy my needs. I don't enjoy this situation. Bit like this weekend we spent together, we had no issues at all. We spent nice Friday in movies and later at her place. Ate good food, talked and enjoyed each others company and slept well.

I can't complain.

[len51]

It sounds like she is bipolar and not depressed. I take AD meds and if I do not take them, I get depressed, not manic. I used to stop taking them but my wife would sit me down to talk and tell me that I am not behaving well and to go back on my meds if I loved her. That always works. I have gotten used to them now and the only side effect I have is some dizziness an hour after I take my meds. Sometimes I am dizzy for most of the day and other times, just an hour.

 

I starting working from home 10 years ago and my wife will drive me wherever I go so I have no reason not to take my meds. Plus I have gone off and on them so much that even I can recognize the difference in me when I go off of them and I like me better when I am on my meds. I found a way to get around my problem.

 

I had PTSD when I got married. I would wake up at night and attack my wife thinking she was Viet Cong. I do not know how she put up with me but one day she was gently shaking me aware while holding a pillow up to her face because the week before I was going to punch her in the face but I woke up and was able to hit her forehead instead of her mouth or nose. When I saw her still concerned with making sure I got up to go to work, even though she knew I might attack her, my heart broke and that is when I first saw a doctor. I still have chronic insomnia and anxiety but all in all, our life has been very good. Sometimes you take the lemons you are handed and make lemonade. That is what we did. Since you are not a legal guardian, you cannot have her involuntarily committed to a mental facility so there is really not much you can do.

[MidwestUSA]

 

I had PTSD when I got married. I would wake up at night and attack my wife thinking she was Viet Cong. I do not know how she put up with me but one day she was gently shaking me aware while holding a pillow up to her face because the week before I was going to punch her in the face but I woke up and was able to hit her forehead instead of her mouth or nose. When I saw her still concerned with making sure I got up to go to work, even though she knew I might attack her, my heart broke and that is when I first saw a doctor. I still have chronic insomnia and anxiety but all in all, our life has been very good. Sometimes you take the lemons you are handed and make lemonade. That is what we did.

 

 

God bless you and your wonderful wife. May you have many more years together.

 

And thank you for your service!

[Phoenician]

Protec ,

 

Those who have some PD are difficult to deal with ;

My wife was accusing me that I embarrased her in front of my sister; she was threatening that I shouldn't do such acts anymore ; I just asked what excatly I did , she froze and said that she doesn't remember what I did ; but all what she remember is that I embarassed her .

 

So I should apologize that I will never do again the thing I did which I don't know !

 

Op , love is not a granted right ; it is a mutual givology ;I won't advice you to leave her ; but does she stand by you without bragging about it if you are sick , hurt or broke ?

 

 

does she enjoy seeing you happy ; making you happy ?

 

 

there is a big diff between being happy with you and sacrifice emotionally to make you happy even if for short period .

 

if you get that kind of love even for short periods ; then she is worth it , no matter how much crazy she is ; hug her when she is crazy ; acrifice as she does.

 

if you feel happy because she spends some good time with you because just she enjoys it as well ;

 

forget about it , even if she is the wisest lady on earth .

[Protec]

She has sais many times that she enjoyed when am happy. So believe her. At least we have sex its important to her that I enjoy too. But she acts different than few months ago, I admit that. Bit it all started at the same time when the social workers and her exes were on her back about the kids. And just last week she said again that "I am sure that I need to move away from here into a small apartment.

 

She is under lot of stress... And she has been very on/off with her behavior towards me lately.

 

And also she seems to be seeking attention by saying "I know you don't enjoy being me for long...you will get bored to me because I am a handful". She has said things like that few times.

 

She is insecure about herself. Because everytime I say she is beautiful etc. She just says "oh no I'm not". Etc. She is putting herself down. She is absolutely gorgeous woman.

 

I know I haven't done anything bad to cause her behavior.

 

But I admit this on/off thing is getting exhausting.

Actually I need to talk with about this "do you enjoy seeing me happy with you?".

 

She is kind of an oddball person. Very creative. A real character. That's why I love her so.

[Protec]

An now that I think of it I guess she had bi-polar. Also depression. But yes, she has these mania-episodes and needs medicine for that because she gets out of control.

[Protec]

I'm so close that I don't walk away from the door. But I guess that would be immature thing to do. But again "you're nonuse to me here. That's why i don't invite you here because all make is more mess".

 

I haven't made any mess. I took a plate, ate from it and afterwards put it in dishwasher. I even helped her to clean the table afterwards. I deserve better.

 

She has a bad day yes, she quit smoking 3 ddays ago and now again vents everything at me.

 

I am 100% sure if I would behave like that towards her I would've been gone long time ago.

[Blanco]

Do you hear/read what you're writing? You sound miserable, yet you treat this is as though you'd be walking away from a multi-year relationship. I probably have things in my fridge older than this relationship! Disengage. Things will only get worse as she becomes more comfortable around you.

 

And sorry, but I still think it's a major red flag that she's losing custody to both of her kids, especially when they have different fathers. She is the common denominator there and it takes a LOT to get kids taken away from their mother.

[BlueIris]

I'm so close that I don't walk away from the door. But I guess that would be immature thing to do. But again "you're nonuse to me here. That's why i don't invite you here because all make is more mess".

 

I haven't made any mess. I took a plate, ate from it and afterwards put it in dishwasher. I even helped her to clean the table afterwards. I deserve better.

 

She has a bad day yes, she quit smoking 3 ddays ago and now again vents everything at me.

 

I am 100% sure if I would behave like that towards her I would've been gone long time ago.

 

It's not immature to walk away from someone who acts that way. Really. It's not.

[Protec]

She did not lose the custody, at least not yet and I hope she doesn't. Bitnwhat I noticed yesterday, it wasn't only me who she was mad at. She also yelled at her kids...

 

Scary.

 

But I do wonder...if such small thing than massage can ruin a whole relationship... Yes, she is still mad at me that I did not massage her when she asked.

 

But this morning she was better again. Even hugged me and thanked me for getting milk in the fridge, and she was giving me food.

 

But last nightnintried talking with her and she didn't even listen. Apparently something on tv was more interesting. She has never done that to me before.

 

I can't really try any harder. I have given everything I got can't buy (refuse,to) her any gifts etc.

 

But apparently gifts are everything to her as I have noticed she buys stuff to her kids all the time, so she thinks gifts = love.

 

Money means nothing to me. I don't need gifts to be happy.

[Protec]

But I am actually so pissed at her so I am going to do it.

 

You want romantic gestures then? Well. I found the perfect relaxing ambient track, gonna get some red wine and buy massage lotion (non sexual) and dona surprise visit.

 

Surprise!!!!

 

I know I have some difficulties sometimes to show my affection. At least I start to believe it now since all my gf's have complained at some point at i don't love them or show it well enough.

 

Yes, I tend to get lost in my own little world inside my head and think that if I say " I love you" to her once a while its enough. Or hugs and kisses. Or movie tickets. Or concert. Or cruise ship trip or treating a meal. Or buying roses and chocolate when one is sick. Or attending to watch a dance of your kid with you. No. I don't love you.

****ty me. How dare i be like this. Sorry for sending good morning messages and wishing good night. I fixed your computer with my non existent love and got OS for your kids computer (which I haven't installed yet).

 

I don't think about you at all or your kids.

 

Sorry

 

Back to work.

[Blanco]

Again, I ask: Are you reading what you write? This relationship sounds emotionally exhausting and it's only a few months old. Just think what it will be like as time passes as the relationship loses its "new energy" bloom, even though it already sounds like that's happened.

 

You are the embodiment of a caretaker. I say that not as a slight against you, but rather, based on what you share with us. You seem incapable of differentiating between love and caretaking. You have made this woman's happiness your responsibility, which should not be the burden of anyone in any healthy relationship.

 

You can do all the nice gestures you want; put up with her mood swings; her poor treatment of you; her dismissive attitude toward you. You can do all those things under the guise of love, but here's the reality: It will never be enough. She has her own issues that no one else can fix. It's on her to do that. And as long as she doesn't, nothing you do or don't do will get you the consistent affection you so desperately crave.

 

Read your second to last post again. You are mere months into this relationship and you're already settling for scraps from this woman. She was mad at you last night for something insignificant that happened a while ago. She wouldn't even listen to you, because whatever was on TV was more important to her. And yet, because she was "nice" to you this morning and gave you food (which makes it sound like you're her pet or something), you're willing to overlook the previous poor treatment.

 

I'll reiterate an earlier post of mine from this thread: What a mess.

Edited April 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jasmineb]

ATU, this is a site where people share thoughts on the dating scene. I understand about people needing to take meds for various reasons but the bottom line here for OP and anyone else who reads this is getting into a relationship with someone who is on anxiety, depression or pain meds is NOT a good idea.

 

My example was with a woman who was an elementary school teacher, working 11 to 12 hour days and was completely zapped at the end of the day and completely worn out by the weekend.

Are their high functioning types who can (hide) absolutely just like there are high functioning alcoholics.

 

My point is pay attention to the warning signs, if someone wants to take that risk and date someone hoping they can handle then fine. But just like many other debates here and knowing that 1 in 4 women take some sort of depression/anxiety meds in a society pushing more drugs on our kids too this is a legit issue.

 

If you start to date someone and they are already on already on some sort of meds do you actually think it’s gonna get better over time?

 

 

 

IDK you think women let’s say on dating sites are going to announce this or disclose on first date?

 

I completely disagree. Would you say dating acperson on insulin or blood pressure meds was a bad idea? This is basically promoting stigma. It is fine for YOU to weed out people with depression. But to make some so-called objective pronouncement about what everyone should not do is out of line.

 

And I'm pretty sure we all know what this forum is for.

[Protec]

Well. Thing are fine now. At least better. She liked my surprise visit a lot and last weekend we got on cruise boat again. We had fun. No fights there. But she was supposed to go party to other city with her friend, I did not like it because it came so sudden. She did not even talk about that to me just suddenly "oh btw I am going to other city to have some fun with my friend". So I gave my opinion about it. So she did not go and we ended up on the cruise together.

 

I just don't like if other one makes plans without telling me at all. Since it was free weekend for me and her without kids. I understand she wants to relax and have fun, but please at least let me know few days before so I can make own plans. Also, going to party to other city ..and she did not even tell me where she was supposed to stay over night, gets me suspicious.

[Protec]

So now she changed her medicine...somedays she is better, sometimes she is not.

 

She may suddenly snap at me, then at the other moment she loves me, then other moment she says "i dunno if this is going to work". It's pretty hard.

 

And i actually got mad at her last sunday. I just had enough. I said some bad things and yelled at her.

 

I know, i know.

 

Few weeks ago me and her kids were at restaurant near the ocean where she lives, we had some juice and had fun feeding birds etc. Then suddenly when we were walking she whispers into my ear "I love you..."

 

But one day she says she loves me...and other not. It's hard :/

 

And she saw hallucinations one night. "You were downstairs this whole time right?" She asked. "No...i just came from shower upstaird".

 

Then her her face changed, she was shocked and bursted into tears. She saw a dark figure walking past her in the apartment and thought it was me. I got scared too...

[Protec]

Title says it.

 

She always plans to go these parties alone or with her friends and she tells me usually at the day she is going "oh btw, im going to night club today" and I am never invited and it makes me feel bad. Because I would like even if she would ask me if im interested.

 

I would understand if it's once in few months, bit this is been going on now for every other weekend. When we started dating we always spent weekends without partying.

 

Last time when she had girls night out, I had to go an "rescue" her from the night club.

 

Why I am worried is because she has history of cheating. And being cheated.

 

The image of her being alone in a dark night club... I dunno. I don't like it.

 

I know I don't own her. But she never informs me. She never invites me. And even last tie she said "you are not welcome there. They dont let anyone with college pants inside." So it kinda hurt my feelings.

 

And she was supposed to go party with her friend to other city few weeks ago but I got pissed about it so she did not go.

 

I feel like an outsider. I don't have friends to go out with , so yes. That I my fault.

 

But why would anyone in relationship want to go party ALONE?

[Protec]

Oh, amd she just bought me a nice Batman the animated series saving piggy bank. She found it from flea market. So she thinks about me... I know she does.

 

But all this "i want to party alone" just gives me goosebumps.

[Mjm1014]

Here's my opinion, but first, how long have you been dating, where did you meet? And from a 1-10 how serious is your relationship overall?

 

Personally, if I was dating a girl with this sort of behavior it would be a major turn off, and would definitely raise some suspicions. I understand if she needs a girls night out once in awhile, but going to a nightclub seems like trouble...big time. Most people go to clubs when they are single in hopes of meeting someone. If it's once in a blue moon, I wouldn't worry, but every weekend, yes you have every reason to.

 

If her friends are single, and she's going to a nightclub with them, that's the big red flag. If she's in a committed relationship and her friends are there to hopefully meet guys, she should include you no questions asked. If you know they are single and she goes with them, don't except the excuses...they go for a reason.

 

A few years ago in my college days, the girl I was seeing at the time displayed this type of behavior. Every weekend she would go to a night club and would assure me she would only dance with her female friends (lame excuse)...long story short, one of her guy friends messaged me pictures of her dancing with other men and even had proof she was getting numbers. All her friends were single at the time and were obviously doing the same thing.

 

Towards the end of our relationship I found out she cheated on me after one of her wild nights at the night club. Of course she broke down and said it was just a mistake-but I told her she knew what kind of situation she was setting herself up for and we broke up. A week later, she met another guy at a night club and started dating him. She was a huge club rat and should have listened to my gut.

 

You need to sit her down and explain if she's going to be in a relationship, she needs to respect some boundaries. Not every weekend needs to be at a night club. It sounds like she loves living the single life but having a boyfriend at the same time, but life doesn't work that way. I hate saying this, but you could always have one of your friends go one night and investigate...if she's all over other men, cut your losses-FAST.

 

Again this is my personal thought...I'm not saying to become controlling, but if your relationship is serious, its a big red flag, and you don't want to waste your time if her actions displaying anything but serious behavior if that makes sense. Good luck