i am overthinking...overanalyzing. [updated]

[thecrucible]

I agree with basil67.

 

Also I've seen a lot of your threads I think you have to be honest about whether dating someone with a mental health condition would be too much to take on? I say that with the kindest feeling as I have had issues with anxiety (non-medicated) which I doubt is every man's cup of tea. If you decided that you couldn't handle it, you wouldn't be a bad person.

[acrosstheuniverse]

ATU, this is a site where people share thoughts on the dating scene. I understand about people needing to take meds for various reasons but the bottom line here for OP and anyone else who reads this is getting into a relationship with someone who is on anxiety, depression or pain meds is NOT a good idea.

 

My example was with a woman who was an elementary school teacher, working 11 to 12 hour days and was completely zapped at the end of the day and completely worn out by the weekend.

Are their high functioning types who can (hide) absolutely just like there are high functioning alcoholics.

 

My point is pay attention to the warning signs, if someone wants to take that risk and date someone hoping they can handle then fine. But just like many other debates here and knowing that 1 in 4 women take some sort of depression/anxiety meds in a society pushing more drugs on our kids too this is a legit issue.

 

If you start to date someone and they are already on already on some sort of meds do you actually think it’s gonna get better over time?

 

 

 

IDK you think women let’s say on dating sites are going to announce this or disclose on first date?

 

I don't think you can say 'do you actually think it's gonna get better over time?' as a blanket statement about people on medications, as for many people they help them to improve their mood and eventually they come off them, in a safe and tapered way, unlike what the OP's gf is doing. Like you say, a lot of people are on meds. Being on them doesn't guarantee being a hot mess forever.

 

With that last part I was solely talking about me, and how I wouldn't be trying to date if I was depressed, like the true severe depression I went through. I could barely sit in a cafe and act normal with friends, not sure how I'd have gone through the whole dating thing! But each to their own.

[hippychick3]

OP, unless she takes responsibility for her illness and wants to get help, you are in for a lifetime of misery. I really feel for those kids.

[Steven1]

My ex girlfriend was on medication for depression, she still is but she's much,much better now. She used to be really bad, and I mean bad. There would be times when it could be WEEKS of her being so down etc she wouldn't leave her room, would eat very little etc and worse.

 

She did get better though and her medication did help her on that path. Again I myself went through some very bad stages of depression, but I never took any medication for it. I think unless you have been through it at some point to the same severity, it's very hard to know what it's like and to advise on.

 

She could be like this for months or more, and then one day she'll wake up and she'll be fine. Her behavior is sadly out of her control. My ex and myself were the same at times, even now there's time I would have no idea what I was doing, my brain was just letting my body go onto autopilot to put it simply. I suspect she is the same.

 

Depression is a terrible thing to have, and is something that can be completely random, and uncontrollable. Sadly when in a relationship it can make you feel as though if you do leave them, then you will constantly worry about them and for their safety. I think the genuine best course of action would to try and sit her down and try to express that you are genuinely concerned about her and to see if there is anything you can do as a couple to help, if speaking to someone would help her etc.

 

It's strange, but even she will know that what she is doing is wrong, and she will feel bad for it, it's just something that at this moment in time, she can't control.

[Larryville]

I don't think you can say 'do you actually think it's gonna get better over time?' as a blanket statement about people on medications, as for many people they help them to improve their mood and eventually they come off them,

 

Yes but again as a site where people share their advice and someone asks “do I go into a relationship with someone who clearly has mental health problems and is taking medications?”

The answer or the advice would be is absolutely not.

 

As Blanco states:

 

You feel inclined to take it many steps further and put their burden on your shoulders. This is a recipe for unsatisfying relationships. Your own needs, wants, and sense of self will become muddled because all of your focus and energy will go toward "saving" this woman.

 

That is very important, life is too short to sacrifice your entire well-being trying to help someone who likely can’t be helped in the long run.

 

I was married to someone who has some depression issues, and as a husband it was my responsibility to do everything I could to help her get through. But here we are talking about “dating” nobody is worth the time and energy if you recognize it early.

 

If someone wants to take that risk, they are free to do so of course just understand what you are getting into.

 

OP, unless she takes responsibility for her illness and wants to get help, you are in for a lifetime of misery.

 

That is the other issue, many DON’T take responsibility….

[preraph]

Contact her family or whoever has the most influence over her. She needs to get back on her meds. It's common for those who need them worst to go off them. And yes, it can be dangerous. And then they blame the drug instead of themself for misusing it or quitting it without consulting their doctor.

[Protec]

I said to her that she shouldn't quit the meds by herself. But she seemed to get annoyed when I try to "guide" her.

 

But i will talk about this with her. I read about the symptoms those meds cause if you quit them suddenly, and its definitely that what is going on now. Because month ago she was completely different...

 

She did apologize from me about her behavior and I understand ita hard for her to control her feelings. But as someone said, you should not use your sickness as excuse for bad behaviour.

 

I just wonder how I am going to talk about this issue with her without hurting her feeling or offend her...

 

I see her differently than she sees herself. If you behave like that I know I would be kicked out from the door already, sick or not.

 

Maybe I just tell her that "Ever since you stopped taking those medicines your behaviour has been too irregular. I know its the medicine that is causing it but I'm afraid you will hurt yourself and also you're hurting me with your behaviour. I care about you and want the best for you. I hope you would go to doctor and tell about these symptoms. If you need me to come with you I am more than happy to come."

 

Is that too offensive?

 

Last night she got mad at me when I took my bottle of Pepsi with me when I left her place "Oh so you even took the Pepsi with you!!!".

 

Well it was mine. And I took it home with me so I can take it to work. Tland after that she started "why do I have to buy my own coffee sometimes when we are out??!! I am used for something like that".

 

Well unfortunately i don't have always money to treat her coffee too. I just went with her to movies watching batman va auperman. I paid for tickets. I got her new coffee pan, took her into concert.. In a month I have spent almost 200 euros into her. Bought some red wine etc.

 

And then she blames I am selfish *******...

[acrosstheuniverse]

I said to her that she shouldn't quit the meds by herself. But she seemed to get annoyed when I try to "guide" her.

 

But i will talk about this with her. I read about the symptoms those meds cause if you quit them suddenly, and its definitely that what is going on now. Because month ago she was completely different...

 

She did apologize from me about her behavior and I understand ita hard for her to control her feelings. But as someone said, you should not use your sickness as excuse for bad behaviour.

 

I just wonder how I am going to talk about this issue with her without hurting her feeling or offend her...

 

I see her differently than she sees herself. If you behave like that I know I would be kicked out from the door already, sick or not.

 

Maybe I just tell her that "Ever since you stopped taking those medicines your behaviour has been too irregular. I know its the medicine that is causing it but I'm afraid you will hurt yourself and also you're hurting me with your behaviour. I care about you and want the best for you. I hope you would go to doctor and tell about these symptoms. If you need me to come with you I am more than happy to come."

 

Is that too offensive?

 

Last night she got mad at me when I took my bottle of Pepsi with me when I left her place "Oh so you even took the Pepsi with you!!!".

 

Well it was mine. And I took it home with me so I can take it to work. Tland after that she started "why do I have to buy my own coffee sometimes when we are out??!! I am used for something like that".

 

Well unfortunately i don't have always money to treat her coffee too. I just went with her to movies watching batman va auperman. I paid for tickets. I got her new coffee pan, took her into concert.. In a month I have spent almost 200 euros into her. Bought some red wine etc.

 

And then she blames I am selfish *******...

 

Dude... She's using you. That comment about 'why do I have to buy my own coffee when we're out!?' screams selfish, spoiled and self entitled.

 

You know, it's funny but you know I was talking about when I was depressed and I'd go on those awful text rampages to my partner about how he was a crap boyfriend and clearly didn't care about me? The one thing that stopped me in my tracks was this: one day, he stood up to me. Instead of placating me and telling me he was sorry and he'd do better next time, he actually replied with 'you know baby, I'm sorry that this isn't working out and has gone to pot, you gotta admit that things haven't been quite right between us for a while now?' It stopped me dead in my tracks and I realised that if I kept going, he was gonna leave me. I can't describe the icy dread I felt. We agreed to talk it over later and when he came home he sat me down and told me the things I'd done lately that just weren't acceptable and admitted he'd been looking for places to move out to just to figure his options out. I had gone from on the attack to devastated and contrite and begging for forgiveness in the space of a single message from him. Even he said it's strange how the second I got a backbone, you did a u-turn and stopped attacking me. I realised what I was gonna lose if I kept allowing the way I felt inside to dictate my actions and vowed never to treat him poorly when I was depressed again, and it worked actually. I came through the other side of the depression and that was six months ago and we're better than ever now. But it's scary to think I pushed us into looking at separate apartments.

 

Never be afraid to stand up for yourself and demand to be treated properly by her, giving her a free pass due to the depression will allow this to continue, I fear she feels about you as I did about my partner back than, like he was never gonna leave so i could use him as my emotional punch bag. If you grow a spine and stand up to her she may change her ways. You've got little choice if you want this relationship to continue.

[Protec]

ATU, you're right. I can't let this continue.

 

Just few hours ago she sent a message that she misses me and feels empty inside.

And 30 min ago she sent a message that she I at the flea market and suddenly got distorted vision so bad she can't drive away from there and she forgot her medicine at home.

 

That is not responsible behavior. What if she suddenly has vision problems when driving??

She could crash her car...

 

I need to stand up to her and say "now. Stop. I love you and care about you by your behavior is not acceptable anymore. I don't want anything to happen to you so please go to doctor and take your medcines again. Your behavior will drive me away eventually."

[Protec]

I do care about her so much. And I know she cares about me. She probably does not understand what she is doing to me.

 

I feel awful at work. I think about all the time if she is okay or something. She has so bad symptoms from stopping the medicine... Her stomach burns, she feels nauseous...mood swings...eye problems, hearing problems...

 

I run out of energy as well. I tolerate a lot but everyone has limits. And since I've rally done nothing bad.

[Protec]

And now she wants me to go there and massage her. Just last night she said she wants to be alone for few days. And if i don't go...i know she will yell me again. But maybe this is my chance to go and talk with her. I need to solve this.

 

I feel like i am being used at a whim.

 

"i don't want to see you for the rest of the week".

Then next day " I could need a massage *kiss*"

[Maxtor]

Bro, leave her. Be happy man. Please, I am begging you. You only live once, and you are wasting your time. She needs help, but not from you. Her behaviour is unnaceptable. Blame the mind, blame the soul, blame what you want, meds or no meds, you have to take care of yourself and she is abusing you.

 

She needs professional help. You cant help her.

 

At least help yourself.

 

Please.

[acrosstheuniverse]

ATU, you're right. I can't let this continue.

 

Just few hours ago she sent a message that she misses me and feels empty inside.

And 30 min ago she sent a message that she I at the flea market and suddenly got distorted vision so bad she can't drive away from there and she forgot her medicine at home.

 

That is not responsible behavior. What if she suddenly has vision problems when driving??

She could crash her car...

 

I need to stand up to her and say "now. Stop. I love you and care about you by your behavior is not acceptable anymore. I don't want anything to happen to you so please go to doctor and take your medcines again. Your behavior will drive me away eventually."

 

That push pull attitude is really common with depression unfortunately. I used to push and push, to see if he would leave... act like I wanted him to leave, never outright say I wanted him to go but be so horrible most people would have been out the door. Then I'd hate myself inside, realise what I'd done and just want him there to comfort me, which was incredibly selfish when I'd just caused him so much emotional pain.

 

And you're right, it's downright irresponsible not to carry medication with you that you need. It makes me wonder whether she's done that on purpose to get you to come 'rescue' her or get sympathy.

 

Rather than 'you need to go to the doctor and sort yourself out or I may eventually leave', what you need to be saying is 'I'm not sure I can be in this relationship anymore when things are like this. I'm going to take some space, when you're healthy again or ready to treat me with respect, give me a call. Until then, please give me some time alone. I care about you and I know you're not well but this isn't the kind of relationship I want to be in'.

 

You can't make her go to the doctors... she has to want to do it herself. You're clinging onto her going to the doctors as though it's a panacea, but it isn't. She could take a couple months for the medication to start working again, it might not work. She could just be showing her true colours, meds or no meds. I personally think a short sharp shock to show her that you WILL walk away if necessary is more likely to get her treating you like you deserve to be treated again, if you try and push her to the doctors it just feeds into this sick role she's cast herself in. She'll think she can get away with anything due to her depression as long as she's taking those tablets.

 

And now she wants me to go there and massage her. Just last night she said she wants to be alone for few days. And if i don't go...i know she will yell me again. But maybe this is my chance to go and talk with her. I need to solve this.

 

I feel like i am being used at a whim.

 

"i don't want to see you for the rest of the week".

Then next day " I could need a massage *kiss*"

 

Just read this second post... and it backs up everything I just said. I agree with the poster above me saying 'dude... leave her'. But I don't get the sense you're ready to, yet. Hence the advice on what to do if you don't leave.

[Blanco]

Go read the OP's other threads about his last awful relationship. Lots of repeated patterns happening, including OP justifying unacceptable behavior from the other person on the basis that he cares about them.

 

I've been in a relationship that was a much milder version of this. She wasn't depressed and rarely outright verbally abused me, but she was hot and cold and it seemed like it was this never-ending battle to stay on her good side. I could do "the right things" and things would be OK (but never really GREAT), but then one perceived slip-up; one infraction, and I was usually back in the dog house. It was awful, and it never really improved.

 

Do the hard thing and avoid digging in your heels to a relationship that looks like it will be a constant back-and-forth of good times and bad times. Those aren't normal, healthy relationships. I fear you still don't realize that because your last one was so awful and you didn't bother to properly heal before you got involved with this woman.

[Protec]

Blanco, this one is different. She actually listens to me and I can talk with her about her behavior.

 

I talked with her last night as she was all snappy and angry to me again when I arrived at her place. Then said "now you listen. I am not going to be your spit bucket. I know its because of your depression and because you stopped taking medicine so you act that way.

But its no excuse to treat me like this as I've done nothin wrong to you. I love you and really care about you and only want what is best for you. You probably don't see your behavior as indo, but if you get so angry with me and I've done nothing, then how's it gonna be with kids around?"...and so on.

 

She listened. She cried. And told something that I am not going to be around for long because she is a nut job.

 

So I also told her about that she should not stop taking the medicine since there were lots of symptoms for stopping it so quickly.

 

She admitted she's had some strange thoughts in her head and like she is in a dream etc.

 

Believe it or not Blanco, after I met this one I finally understood that everything was wrong with my ex. The fact that I am facing similar problems now is caused by completely different reasons.

 

But anyway, we had a nice evening and we slept well and she woke up very happy. It's been weeks since I've seen her so happy in the morning.

 

But I admit that have the need to play "hero". It's just in my nature....

[Emilia]

No, you have to play the 'codependent' not the hero. It's incredibly unhealthy and it's the reason you keep ending up with dysfunctional people. Were either of your parents alcoholic? Are they divorced? You need to work out why you work so hard for relationships with women where you have to walk on eggshells and your needs aren't met.

[MidwestUSA]

I know it's been stated, but stopping a med on your own like that is dangerous.

 

Unbeknownst to me, my H had conveniently forgotten his antidepressants for a few days. His nephew was staying with us, and they started drinking (I was asleep, as I work nights).

 

I woke up to two drunks, one of them in a black out state (my H), fighting. Nephew was actually fine, considering, but H kicked him out, threatened suicide, then punched the slate top of our coffee table. Broke two fingers in two places each. His doctor said he could have done much worse!

 

OP, you know what you need to do. But my concern is for the safety of her kids.

[smackie9]

No, you have to play the 'codependent' not the hero. It's incredibly unhealthy and it's the reason you keep ending up with dysfunctional people. Were either of your parents alcoholic? Are they divorced? You need to work out why you work so hard for relationships with women where you have to walk on eggshells and your needs aren't met.

I agree with this ^^^ OP, The "hero" is better known as "White Knight Syndrome" and it is all about codependency. You are in a relationship to "rescue" which would mean you are in it for the wrong reasons. Yes it's a vicious cycle of frustration and unhappiness. Time to rethink, and stop this pattern. Life is way too short to be busy trying to "fix" someone to feel loved.

[Protec]

I've just seen too many superhero movies. She wasn't like this when we met, and I talked with her about this issue and she understood me.

 

I know its not my duty try to save her, but I want to help if I can. But now I stood up to her, said what I have in mind. Problem solved, at least for now.

 

I am sorry if I care about people. I would like so if I ever become so sick that i don't understand I am hurting people around me...

 

I love this woman for completely other reasons. You think I enjoy being yelled at and abused?

 

I am just bad handling conflicts but even I have my limits. And I don't purposely search for woman with mental problems. Honestly I did not even know until she told me after few dates.

 

I love her because she is almost complete opposite of me. We have so much fun together.

She loves me a for reasons what I am.

 

I know it looks worse here on writing than it actually is. Just needed help to handle this kind of situation.

[Emilia]

Excuses man, you need to confront the weakness in you. That's the only way you can conquer it, you have to confront it at the initial stages before it develops into a relationship. You do in fact seek these women out, you deem the emotionally healthy ones boring. You date the ones other men wouldn't because they pick up on the issues and walk. They notice the lack of boundaries, you dive straight in.

 

You stick around, most likely because you were raised in a difficult environment and don't know better.

 

You are not a hero but a codependent.

[Protec]

Excuses man, you need to confront the weakness in you. That's the only way you can conquer it, you have to confront it at the initial stages before it develops into a relationship. You do in fact seek these women out, you deem the emotionally healthy ones boring. You date the ones other men wouldn't because they pick up on the issues and walk. They notice the lack of boundaries, you dive straight in.

 

You stick around, most likely because you were raised in a difficult environment and don't know better.

 

You are not a hero but a codependent.

 

"You do in fact seek these women out, you deem the emotionally healthy ones boring."

 

-No. I don't decide to who i fall in love to. She was nice when i met her. She has been nice to this far. I've dated her for 3 months now. And i still like her. Today we went to a coffee shop and IKEA.

 

"You stick around, most likely because you were raised in a difficult environment and don't know better.

 

-Wrong. I was not raised in difficult enviroment. Had lots of friends etc. But my family was poor yes, but i had awesome childhood and i love my parents and have very good relationship with my father and sister. Unfortunately my mother died when i was 22.

 

Don't try to analyze me please. I know what i am better than you do.

I don't abandon people if they are having hard time. I don't know about you if you ditch everyone when the first problem arises but i don't.

 

I just don't like the fact that you are so hostile towards me like i am the villain here.

 

i just needed some advice to handle this situation and ATU gave me good advice. So thanks ATU

[Blanco]

You confuse caring about people with the underlying desire to save people. They aren't the same thing.

[Blanco]

"You do in fact seek these women out, you deem the emotionally healthy ones boring."

 

-No. I don't decide to who i fall in love to. She was nice when i met her. She has been nice to this far. I've dated her for 3 months now. And i still like her. Today we went to a coffee shop and IKEA.

 

"You stick around, most likely because you were raised in a difficult environment and don't know better.

 

-Wrong. I was not raised in difficult enviroment. Had lots of friends etc. But my family was poor yes, but i had awesome childhood and i love my parents and have very good relationship with my father and sister. Unfortunately my mother died when i was 22.

 

Don't try to analyze me please. I know what i am better than you do.

I don't abandon people if they are having hard time. I don't know about you if you ditch everyone when the first problem arises but i don't.

 

I just don't like the fact that you are so hostile towards me like i am the villain here.

 

i just needed some advice to handle this situation and ATU gave me good advice. So thanks ATU

 

You seem like a good guy, but I've been following your posts for many months and it astounds me how naive you are for your age.

 

Stop being so passive with YOUR life. You make it sound like these things just happen to you, but it's your choices that have put you in this situation. You chose to get involved with this woman. You chose to go along with the relationship moving much faster than it should have. You chose to get back with her after she broke things off the first time. You are now choosing to stay with her even though all signs point to this issue being far from solved going forward.

 

I'm not sure what you expect from people here. They give you sound advice and then you push back and dismiss us because we "don't know" you.

[Protec]

She stopped her medication it it caused her to act strange. Just wanted some advice what would be the way to handle it. ATU gave me some good advice as she has suffered from depression too. Did what she suggested, stood up to my gf and said I wont take that kind of behavior much longer. I learned from my ex-relationship.

 

If course I want to help my gf in any way I can, and I expect her to help me too if I ever need help. Saving is different. Not trying to save her. She does not need a hero to save her. She has been fine before me. She has much much more life experience than I do.

 

And yes, I am naive...unfortunately.

[Els]

It's incredibly irresponsible for her to stop SSRIs cold turkey without even consulting the doctor. Depending on what doses she was on, she could have seriously caused harm to herself or to you. SSRIs need to be stopped slowly, if they are stopped at all (and I don't see anything wrong with continuing to take medication that is needed).

 

If she was doing her best, going to CBT sessions, taking her meds as instructed, I might agree with you trying to stay with her and help her. Given that she doesn't seem at all interested in working on her depression, I don't see why you are trying so hard. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot force it to drink.