i am overthinking...overanalyzing. [updated]

[GemmaUK]

..probably because she needs to have a stable environment for her children to be in when they do see her.

 

Relax and stop being her third child in this relationship.

[kikik]

I think you need to stop thinking about yourself and your insecurities and give her the support she needs in this hard time.You are obviously aware of her issues, so why don't you see that your fears are completely out of place in this situation? Be there for HER, reassure HER.

[coreydillon]

I am not sure why, but this seems to be common behavior for many women...You profess love, feelings, take an interest, and they pull away..

 

i can't give much advice, but i dont think she is looking for you to step up and fix her problems..

[coreydillon]

I think you need to stop thinking about yourself and your insecurities and give her the support she needs in this hard time.You are obviously aware of her issues, so why don't you see that your fears are completely out of place in this situation? Be there for HER, reassure HER.

 

To be fair, many people should not be dating at all, and this causes tons of turmoil and anxiety within others.. I dont feel there is anything he can really do correctly..If he gets close she might just run... She is clearly pushing him away.. if he stays away then he might be too far? Seems like it will be a constant roller coaster. She should also be a partner TO HIM..Besides just having sex and saying nice things.. This relationship seems to be all about her.

[scorpiogirl]

Oh no!!!!

 

Another problem.

 

now she wants me to stay home always when her kids are home....

 

It sounds like it would be incredibly stressful to date you.

You sound needy, among other things.

 

You "forgot" to buy tickets to somewhere you were planning to take her. This alone means you're unreliable and I would not put up with it if I were her.

You think you're taking care of her and bring a comfort but everything you write here makes me cringe and want to swat you away from me.

 

If she has a lot on her mind, why would you want to stay over if she's said she doesn't want that. That just means she now has to consider you too and when you want to sleep and cuddle and eat and ... And ... And.

 

You sound exhausting. Just stop please.

[Protec]

I am not a 3rd kid. I understand that she is going trough a lot now. Also I understand she is on several medications for her depression etc. But that is no excuse to treat someone badly.

 

Again last night she came close to me, kissed me and told how she hasn't paid enough attention to me. I said I understand her. Then again she pulled away, started to say things like I could not spend weekend with her because her kids at coming.

 

I was stunned. Every weekend her kids have been there I have been too. Then I showed her the picture where I build a snowman with her 3 year old kid. I zoomed in my face and "look how happy I am? Have a great memory from that. I had fun that day. If you didn't let me come with you back then, I would not have that memory. Please don't take it away from me. I enjoy being here with you and the kids."

 

Then she said "yeah I remember when you went downhill in bobsleigh with him and injear that loud crack :D"

 

Then she came close to me. She took my hand.

 

I feel like i have to proof my love etc. To her constantly. She has had some bad relationships obviously, but so have i.

 

Oh, and I also suggested that we could read a bedtime story together. I would be the male voices and she females. "I have never read story with anyone before".

 

You see, i want to evolve. I want to learn how to be around kids better, I want to learn. I care about her and her problems.sure is topic is about my own insecurity issues.

[coreydillon]

It sounds like it would be incredibly stressful to date you.

You sound needy, among other things.

 

You "forgot" to buy tickets to somewhere you were planning to take her. This alone means you're unreliable and I would not put up with it if I were her.

You think you're taking care of her and bring a comfort but everything you write here makes me cringe and want to swat you away from me.

 

If she has a lot on her mind, why would you want to stay over if she's said she doesn't want that. That just means she now has to consider you too and when you want to sleep and cuddle and eat and ... And ... And.

 

You sound exhausting. Just stop please.

 

part of being in a relationship is being stable...

 

I have a son...I don't think it would go over well if I always had a gf over when he was there, then all of a sudden tell her not to be around anymore when he is there..

 

If that bothered her I would not think she was being needy, but actually normal..

]

[coreydillon]

I am not a 3rd kid. I understand that she is going trough a lot now. Also I understand she is on several medications for her depression etc. But that is no excuse to treat someone badly.

 

Again last night she came close to me, kissed me and told how she hasn't paid enough attention to me. I said I understand her. Then again she pulled away, started to say things like I could not spend weekend with her because her kids at coming.

 

I was stunned. Every weekend her kids have been there I have been too. Then I showed her the picture where I build a snowman with her 3 year old kid. I zoomed in my face and "look how happy I am? Have a great memory from that. I had fun that day. If you didn't let me come with you back then, I would not have that memory. Please don't take it away from me. I enjoy being here with you and the kids."

 

Then she said "yeah I remember when you went downhill in bobsleigh with him and injear that loud crack :D"

 

Then she came close to me. She took my hand.

 

I feel like i have to proof my love etc. To her constantly. She has had some bad relationships obviously, but so have i.

 

Oh, and I also suggested that we could read a bedtime story together. I would be the male voices and she females. "I have never read story with anyone before".

 

You see, i want to evolve. I want to learn how to be around kids better, I want to learn. I care about her and her problems.sure is topic is about my own insecurity issues.

 

She is on medications... Depressed... Doesn't get along with 2 different dads...Do you expect her to be stable with you?

[scorpiogirl]

I am not a 3rd kid. I understand that she is going trough a lot now. Also I understand she is on several medications for her depression etc. But that is no excuse to treat someone badly.

 

Again last night she came close to me, kissed me and told how she hasn't paid enough attention to me. I said I understand her. Then again she pulled away, started to say things like I could not spend weekend with her because her kids at coming.

 

I was stunned. Every weekend her kids have been there I have been too. Then I showed her the picture where I build a snowman with her 3 year old kid. I zoomed in my face and "look how happy I am? Have a great memory from that. I had fun that day. If you didn't let me come with you back then, I would not have that memory. Please don't take it away from me. I enjoy being here with you and the kids."

 

Then she said "yeah I remember when you went downhill in bobsleigh with him and injear that loud crack :D"

 

Then she came close to me. She took my hand.

 

I feel like i have to proof my love etc. To her constantly. She has had some bad relationships obviously, but so have i.

 

Oh, and I also suggested that we could read a bedtime story together. I would be the male voices and she females. "I have never read story with anyone before".

 

You see, i want to evolve. I want to learn how to be around kids better, I want to learn. I care about her and her problems.sure is topic is about my own insecurity issues.

 

It is NOT about you! Don't you understand that?

I suffer from depression and am under the care of a doctor for it. It does not matter what made your happy memories. She's said she doesn't want you around. When I'm having a bad time and things are not going well, I don't want anyone around me. I can barely take care of myself.

 

This woman has to get herself out of bed, get dressed, be "normal" for her children. And now you want to insert yourself there too.

 

She told you what she needs. It's not you right now.

[scorpiogirl]

part of being in a relationship is being stable...

 

I have a son...I don't think it would go over well if I always had a gf over when he was there, then all of a sudden tell her not to be around anymore when he is there..

 

If that bothered her I would not think she was being needy, but actually normal..

]

 

 

She's not being flaky and saying yes one moment and no the next. She's told him why she needs him to step back.

 

If neither the OP nor you can understand that she needs to focus on getting better and fixing herself to keep her kids? Then there's nothing more anyone can say to either of you.

 

If he didn't know WHY she said not to come over, I'd totally be on his side.

[Protec]

I have been depressed as well. Taken mediation. Could be even now the way I handle things...

 

Of course I react when suddenly she says "I don't want you to be here".

While when we me and started dating she said "you are always welcome here". When I asked if I could come over. So the tone has changed and I get worried.

 

She said to me again last night how she would just like to give up. She is n worse condition than she lets me know. She even cried last night when we went to sleep.

 

And when I left to work this morning she wished me " have good day darling" and kissed me.

 

I want to help her. And don't say "leave her alone then". It could be just seeking for attention when someone says t"leave me alone".

 

Oh and I cooked her dinner last night.

[Protec]

But as Corey said, of course it matters when she suddenly says i am not welcome anymore when her kids are there.

 

Every weekend I've been there and usually I've not been thereon Fridays aoshe can spend some time alone with kids. So i have given her space. But maybe it was wrong.

 

As I remember her comparing me to her ex who was "around all the time". That's why I ask feel bad. I feel I am now worse guy than her ex was.

 

It's a mess. And I don't know what to do.

[clia]

Honestly, you've only been dating her for a few months. It's totally inappropriate for you to be "playing dad" at this point. Perhaps given all the problems she is having with her kids and exes she has finally come to her senses in that regard.

 

Respect her wishes. Give her space and time alone with her kids.

[Protec]

I agree. I don't have to play dad since the kids have their dads and see them every other week.

 

The cycle goes so that she has kids from Friday to Friday. Every other week. So kids see their fathers plenty.

 

But now I got message from her "so you come here after work? I'm picking up kids at 3...."

 

So now I am welcome. I'm happy of course but I don't handle this kind of behavior very well... Back and forth...

[introverted1]

It is NOT about you! Don't you understand that?

I suffer from depression and am under the care of a doctor for it. It does not matter what made your happy memories. She's said she doesn't want you around. When I'm having a bad time and things are not going well, I don't want anyone around me. I can barely take care of myself.

 

This woman has to get herself out of bed, get dressed, be "normal" for her children. And now you want to insert yourself there too.

 

She told you what she needs. It's not you right now.

 

I agree with the above. With one caveat: Perhaps now is not the right time for her to be in a relationship. Just as OP has the responsibility to be a good partner to his gf, which may mean making sacrifices at times, so does she have a responsibility to be a good partner to him, including making her own sacrifices.

 

Given that she is dealing with depression, has ongoing troubled relationships with two exes, has kids she can barely keep control of, and is facing a custody battle... perhaps this is not the right time for her to be dating. It's not as though they have been together for ages and this just cropped up; she chose to enter a new relationship knowing what was on her plate.

[scorpiogirl]

I agree with the above. With one caveat: Perhaps now is not the right time for her to be in a relationship. Just as OP has the responsibility to be a good partner to his gf, which may mean making sacrifices at times, so does she have a responsibility to be a good partner to him, including making her own sacrifices.

 

Given that she is dealing with depression, has ongoing troubled relationships with two exes, has kids she can barely keep control of, and is facing a custody battle... perhaps this is not the right time for her to be dating. It's not as though they have been together for ages and this just cropped up; she chose to enter a new relationship knowing what was on her plate.

 

I totally agree that she's probably not ready either. With her going back and forth, yes and no, come and don't come, this guy should be sensible enough to say, " maybe we shouldn't date right now".

 

Clearly she's not making the best decisions, and he's only too happy when she says to come over, that he's not going to be the voice reason. Somebody had to be.

 

Maybe the kids can decide... Can't be any worse than what's happening right now.

[Protec]

So we ended up having a nice weekend. I bought some grass seeds and chickens for decorating the Easter grass? The kids loved those and I wasn't outsider. As the older kid yelled me goodnight for the first time when they went to sleep. And the custody issue has been revoked. So my gf was very happy to hear that.

 

I got us tickets for the upcoming batman vs superman movie and can't wait to see her.

Having few days off. I'm at home for few days. Have stuff to do.

[Protec]

My GF stopped taking her SSRI medication. She has had terrible mood swings and symptoms from stopping the medication so suddenly.

 

Does anyone have any tips to give?

 

I have hard time here, suddenly she is happy and loves me and suddenly everything in the world is my fault, she dumps everything on me.

 

I love her, i really do and i want to stay with her, but i need some advice how i should handle those mood swings.

 

Should i just be silent and let her vent on me and just play nice or...?

 

For now i've just gone the easy route and apologized for my behaviour when she has these "rage attacks".

 

Just like other night she got super mad for me because she wanted me to massage her and i just said "heh, well, i could use some massage sometimes too". I would've massaged her but she got SUPER SUPER mad from that comment of mine and replied "if you want to get massaged, go to a masseur". and i swear to god i did not mean to hurt her with it. So after that she didn't speak me for in 5 hours at least.

 

And again today she got very mad at me for something completely stupid.

Her ex sent a message to her and stuff, i repllied "well, delete his number and block it so he cant message you anymore".

 

 

She doesn't answer the phone..etc. It's all weird. her behaviour is very strange.

 

And it's probably because of the anti-depressant medicine (SSRI) and because she stopped using it so suddenly.

 

LAst night she took a sleeping pill but didn't go to sleep and she started acting SUPER weird. NEver seen behaviour like that in my life.

 

i know what you think now. "why you want to date someone like that?"

 

She is sick. Her mind is not well. I would feel terribly if i'd left someone because of that.

 

It's just the mood swings that are getting to me...also her bit recless behaviour.

 

She was not feeling well this morning "hmm..i guess i shouldn't drive. Oh well i guess i can."

 

I said "I can be your driver if you feel like it. Please drive carefully i don't want to come visit you into hospital"

 

"Well, at least i would get some vacation".

 

Terrible response. Completely stupid. I was genuinely worried and she repllies me with a comment like that.

 

Still she says she loves me....She said it to me again last saturday that "now when i think about it, i cant remember the last time i've been happy, but with you i actually am."

 

It's hard to know what to believe anymore. Her behaviour is so irrational, i have very hard time to know what to believe anymore.

 

All i know is i care about her, i want her to be well. But if she doesnt want to get cured...i don't know what i can do. She has been so wonderful person, but little by little she has gone worse. She drinks much more now than when we met. We used to have nice "home nights" but now all she wants to do is party.

 

Oh and yes, she has 2 kids.

 

I need to man up a bit with her. I seriously neeed to talk about this with her and maybe if i could even talk with her doctor... i mean stuff like this cannot go on. If she gets those sudden rage bursts with me...then how she handles the kids...who are complete menace....

[Blanco]

You are her boyfriend, not her caretaker. It's not irrational to be concerned for her, but she's a grown woman. The onus for her mental well-being shouldn't be on someone else, especially her relatively new boyfriend. If I remember correctly, you two have only been seeing each other since late last year.

 

Being well versed with your previous relationship struggles, I see you already repeating toxic patterns with this woman. Healthy relationships aren't about saving people. You seem unable to have just have sympathy for people. You feel inclined to take it many steps further and put their burden on your shoulders. This is a recipe for unsatisfying relationships. Your own needs, wants, and sense of self will become muddled because all of your focus and energy will go toward "saving" this woman.

 

Staying in a toxic environment isn't gallant or a sign of true love. I hope you'll learn that some day.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Why has she stopped her medication?

 

Depression is screwed up. It can really make you into a horrible person. I got diagnosed with depression last year, first time in my life, after a really bad period with some serious family problems. I ended up being an absolutely terrible person. I'm ashamed of how I behaved at that time. It was like all of a sudden, my world ended, I didn't see a future anymore. I felt like the world's worst person, like I didn't deserve love or to be around anyone anymore, and anyone who tried to approach me I just shut down. I even ended up self harming for the first time in a decade. It just completely threw me, it was terrifying. I felt genuinely ill. And I was an awful partner at that time... the worst stuff was my partner would do the tiniest thing I felt was wrong, and instead of responding rationally, I would end up sending him these long rambling facebook messages at work, not quite abusive in a calling names kinda way, but abusive in that he'd just be trying to go about his day while his inbox was pinging away with all kinds of things, mostly me saying that he was trying to treat me like an idiot and he was a fool if he felt I'd put up with it and that I deserved better and maybe we shouldn't even be together anymore... I desperately did not want him to leave me. It was like I was pushing him away to get him to leave me because I didn't feel I deserved him anymore.

 

The thing is though, none of that excuses being treated terribly in a relationship... I see that now. It doesn't matter WHY she's treating you like that, if your needs aren't being met you're well within your rights to walk away. I wouldn't have blamed my partner for doing so, but I was lucky... we'd had a year and a half of a great relationship by that point, followed by a month of total blackness, then a couple great months and another dark time. Somehow he chose to stick it out though we almost broke up the second time around, we were both looking at places to move out to separately. It was scary to think I had pushed us to that point but I got better and things are fine now, somehow we've managed to put it behind us and move on. I live in fear of it coming back.

 

Is she actually doing anything about this? When I was going through depression I had counselling, I attended a therapy group, I approached the doctor for anti depressants, I actually did everything I could myself under my own steam to try and feel better about everything that was happening. I was going through a huge bereavement at the time too. If I'd have just been wallowing in it and not doing anything to improve my health I wouldn't be surprised if he'd left me, and he'd have had every right to. I'd have understood, even though when I got better and looked back I'd have despised myself for it.

 

How much longer can you handle this? If she's not doing anything to try improve her mood (there's plenty you can do for depression, medication, talking therapies, support groups, lifestyle changes), you can't be expected to stick around in a relationship that's making you miserable.

[smackie9]

When things are going good, they tend to go off their medication because they think they don't need it anymore, plus the side effects can be intolerable. I say have a discussion, see where it takes you....if only negative results happen, then just jump ship. Best of luck.

[Larryville]

Staying in a toxic environment isn't gallant or a sign of true love

 

Absolutely!

 

Dated someone briefly who was taking meds for pain and anxiety and other stuff and while I tried like hell to be as supportive as I could I finally just said enough, why above quote is so important.

She as always sleepy, rarely wanted to go out, very moody, always wanted to keep house dark shades always down, messy unmotivated.

 

Bad thing…

 

repeating toxic patterns

 

So many people get caught up trying to be someone’s hero or savior and life is just too damn short for that!

[acrosstheuniverse]

Absolutely!

 

Dated someone briefly who was taking meds for pain and anxiety and other stuff and while I tried like hell to be as supportive as I could I finally just said enough, why above quote is so important.

She as always sleepy, rarely wanted to go out, very moody, always wanted to keep house dark shades always down, messy unmotivated.

 

Bad thing…

 

 

 

So many people get caught up trying to be someone’s hero or savior and life is just too damn short for that!

 

I just want to highlight that many people who have no choice but to take medication for chronic pain and anxiety/depression are so high functioning you'd never guess. It's not all lounging around, mood swings, not opening the curtains, being lazy with the housework and not going out. Last year I had to take antidepressants for the first time (I only stayed on them a few weeks and then stopped) while also taking seriously heavy duty painkillers for an issue I've had for the past decade (morphine) and you'd never guess. Unless you were a close friend that I confided in, you'd have had no idea what I was going through. I didn't miss a day of work or let up in my performance at all.

 

However, I wouldn't have dated while going through severe depression!

[Larryville]

I just want to highlight that many people who have no choice but to take medication for chronic pain and anxiety/depression are so high functioning.

 

you'd have had no idea what I was going through. I didn't miss a day of work or let up in my performance at all.

 

ATU, this is a site where people share thoughts on the dating scene. I understand about people needing to take meds for various reasons but the bottom line here for OP and anyone else who reads this is getting into a relationship with someone who is on anxiety, depression or pain meds is NOT a good idea.

 

My example was with a woman who was an elementary school teacher, working 11 to 12 hour days and was completely zapped at the end of the day and completely worn out by the weekend.

Are their high functioning types who can (hide) absolutely just like there are high functioning alcoholics.

 

My point is pay attention to the warning signs, if someone wants to take that risk and date someone hoping they can handle then fine. But just like many other debates here and knowing that 1 in 4 women take some sort of depression/anxiety meds in a society pushing more drugs on our kids too this is a legit issue.

 

If you start to date someone and they are already on already on some sort of meds do you actually think it’s gonna get better over time?

 

However, I wouldn't have dated while going through severe depression!

 

IDK you think women let’s say on dating sites are going to announce this or disclose on first date?

[basil67]

My tip is that she should go back on the SSRI meds and withdraw properly with a doctor's support.