Am I doing this right? (semi first time dater)

[Elise28]

Hello everyone. Been lurking for a while. I'm new to this forum, as well as new to dating (sort of.) Here's my story...

 

I'll be 30 in a few months. Since the age of 20, I've been in 3 serious relationships, each literally beginning a few months after one another. First boyfriend was a dick, was seeing me and his son's mom at the same time. Ended up getting her pregnant again and going back to her. 3 months later, second boyfriend came along and was long distance for 3 tumultuous years on and off, and eventually he lost the feeling. That one was hard. 3 months after that, I met my last ex and dated him for almost 4 years. By that time, I had tons of trust issues and he had baggage and a past (2 kids and 2 different moms) which made for a combination that was not easy. Eventually, he also lost feelings for me and ended things almost a year ago.

 

I tried getting back with my last ex for about 6 months after the relationship was over, but he wasn't budging. Supposedly the first cut is the deepest and it gets easier each time, but in my case, not so much. The last one left me heartbroken and I tried so hard to keep what I thought I had built going that I exhausted myself. Couldn't fathom the thought of moving on and was beyond scared to "do it all over again" with someone new, especially at 29 years old. Felt like my time had ran out, and I wanted to give up.

 

2016 came about and I knew it was time. Time to let go of the past, the hurt, and work on bettering myself and focusing on what I wanted, instead of people not wanting me. Then I finally decided to give dating an open shot. I had been on apps like OKCupid, POF, and Tinder post break up, and there were a few short lived connections I made there, but I could never bring myself to actually meet up with anyone or take them totally serious. The pain and hurt still lingered, so I was never truly ready.

 

Most recently, I started talking to a guy from OKCupid about a month ago. The day after Valentine's. He was one of the lost connections I had made a few months prior, but this time I was a little more open. We spoke on the phone for a few hours every night the first week, and I knew he was someone I'd always wanted to date. Articulate, candid, witty, not creepy and could tell there was a sexual vibe. Slightly cynical, but a healthy sense of humor. He reminded me a lot of myself. He was very adamant that we meet soon, and didn't want to turn into texting/phone buddies and repeatedly mentioned how he didn't have time for wishy-washy, fickle women.

 

So I made a choice. by the second week I decided to give it a go, and instead of meeting in a public place like a normal person (he and I are both a little introverted, and love being personal but not exactly social. Not sure how to describe it here) ... I went to his house to hangout and listen to music. I was immediately physically attracted to him. I liked his face, his demeanor...the fact that he was slightly chubby and a tad nerdy. But I kept my composure and played it cool. Mid hangout he went in for a kiss. From there I'm sure you can tell it went somewhat downhill. No sex, but a definite makeout session and lots of exploring. After deciding it was obviously too soon to go that route, we laid on his bed staring at each other. He told me he liked me. I told him I liked him. It felt juvenile, but it was nice. The next day hormones were raging like two teenagers obviously, and I invited him to my place. (not a good move, I know) and from there... well obviously it went down. We had sex, or what I seem to have mistaken for "making love" multiple times. Next few days were good... we went to a drive-in, and got food after and took it back to my place. He stayed over and didn't leave the next day until almost 7 or 8 PM. The whole day we cuddled, went to eat, had more sex, and napped. Sounds completely lazy, but it was great. It doesn't take much to satisfy me. The following weekend, basically the same thing happened and we spent the entire day together.

 

To make a long story short (cause this may be getting out of control long now lol) the NEXT DAY....I asked him in essence, if this was going to be an exclusive thing, or was he still interested in meeting other people? And more than likely due to the progression of the entire situation, the sex, and my intolerance in dealing with anyone who is lukewarm about me, made me bring up this topic in such a fast manner. Basically, he told me that he didn't know what to tell me. That he liked me and everything was lining up, but wanted to take it slow. And it was much too soon to jump into a relationship, which I completely understand. But the thought of him being open to the next best thing, or actively hitting up or conversing with other girls drives me crazy. I automatically go to the thought of, "Why am I not good enough?"

 

I really like this guy. I want it to go somewhere. He says he would love for it to as well. But a part of me says I'm more into it than he is, and that scares me. With my past, I never in a million years thought I had anything left to give as far as putting myself on the line for someone who isn't as enthusiastic about me as I am them. I know I need to let time pass (I'm working on my patience) in order for things to unfold, but at the same time, I don't know how to continue giving someone time to figure out what they want, especially when I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of wasting my time on people who don't give a damn about me.

 

So... any advice is appreciated. Perhaps I should continue to step out and meet more guys, so that I don't become so wrapped up in one. But with that said, I'm extremely loyal and once I find one person I deem worthy of my time, I see no point in dipping my finger into a bunch of different sauces when I know which is my favorite. Weird analogy, but yeah... thanks for reading. lol

Edited March 11, 2016 by Elise28

[d0nnivain]

First piece of advice is a safety issue: Never ever go to the home of a stranger! You are very lucky something awful didn't happen to you.

 

 

Second: going to a man's home early in the interaction especially if you met through OLD is a universally understood to mean sex is an option If that is not an option for you, keep your dates public.

 

 

Third: understand OLD is a buffet. You take little bits of everything rather than committing to 1 entrée. If you are not into sampling & multi dating at least in the 1st few months don't do OLD because you are not going to get more than a lukewarm test this out proposition from most people on there.

 

 

Fourth: understand that dating . . .the act of spending time with a new person . . . is about getting to know someone. It is not about instant commitment / relationship/ emotional intimacy. Readjust your expectations.

 

 

Fifth: remember none of these new people you meet are your EX. It's unfair to punish them for whatever you EX did.

[Toodaloo]

OP.

 

Its going to crash and burn. Sorry honey but... been there, done that, can see the signs, got loads of t-shirts so if you want one be my guest.

 

You were VERY lucky that nothing nasty happened. But we have all done silly things so moving on.

 

I think you need to have more respect for yourself.

 

I think you need to kick this guy to the curb. He has slept with you so he should be into you enough to be able to say actually I don't want to start seeing anyone else right now. He hasn't. He has given you a platitude so he can keep shagging you while looking for others on the side. Not good at all.

 

I think you need to pick yourself up. Dust yourself down. Move on.

 

This one is going no where. It hurts, it stings. Its the way it is and has nothing to do with you in any way shape or form.

 

Sadly you didn't spend the time with him first to realise that before sleeping with him. He was your Mr Right Now. Not your Mr Right.

 

Also do not rely on OLD to bring you dates. You must have hobbies and things you like to do. Go and do them get involved with them and meet people that way too.

[Elise28]

First off thanks for replying guys. I sincerely appreciate the advice.

 

I recognize the stupid moves I've made with this one thus far. as far as going to his house on the first meet, we had spoken on the phone for 2-3 hours everyday up until then so I figured I had a good grasp on what type of person I was dealing with. but I realize I was lucky in that sense.

 

from here I'm not really sure what to do. Do I keep seeing him (sans the sex) on a casual level? (no spending time at each other's house, public dates) or do I cut it completely off until he's willing to jump ship? in all honesty I don't expect him to, but one can hope. I've told him that I'm going to "fall back" a little and give him whatever time or space he needs. last thing I want is to bring stress onto someone.

[Toodaloo]

Do I keep seeing him (sans the sex) on a casual level? (no spending time at each other's house, public dates) or do I cut it completely off until he's willing to jump ship? in all honesty I don't expect him to, but one can hope. I've told him that I'm going to "fall back" a little and give him whatever time or space he needs. last thing I want is to bring stress onto someone.

 

I would just fade out on him. He needs no explanation and it seems to be the done thing with OLD.

 

But certainly no more sex until he confirms exclusivity.

[GR4]

Some of the people replying really need to calm down. I agree going to someone's house for a first meet might not be the most sensible idea but come on, you weren't "VERY lucky something nasty didn't happen to you"... Not all men are rapists who lure women to their homes and abuse them. Cut us a bit of slack, Jesus.

[fonoma]

Have yet to try this myself but, if you guys aren't exclusive and he may be still talking to other girls, maybe you should still be on the lookout yourself?

 

I don't mean to string along a lot of guys, but definitely in the future take it a bit slower and explore your options as well. The benefit of having more dates helps you not get too swept up with idea of a single person. No putting them on the pedestal. It's definitely way too easy to get carried away with one person when there's no one else in your life there to help remind you "hey, there are other great guys out there". Just a thought. I've been in your shoes before, though! It sucked.