Once a player, always a player?

March 11, 2016

I would really love to hear your opinions on whether a man can change.

I have recently realised I was just played big time. Dated a 27yo man for 4-5 months. Had known him 4 years. I definitely got a few little red flags.

First one is when he wanted to catch up with me over a year ago when I later found out he may have had a gf at that time.

At one stage he lived overseas for 6 months in 2014. We talked and skyped basically the whole time as friends but I noticed he had a girl all over his fb(thought she was a good friend) later found out it was his gf. About a month ago he told me how he had a lot of 'fun' overseas. I still don't know whether he was with her then or not. My guess is that he cheated lots

He would explain how he loves women. Breasts, long legs and everything. I found it a bit odd, but thought he was just being honest. He was very obsessed with my mine though..

He would go on about how every man wants me because I am tall and blonde. He loved being seen with me in public. He would always grab my behind in public, even on first date. I thought this guy was pretty sure of himself. One time he organised to catch up and then he never messaged on day. I asked him to let me know asap as i got an invite elsewhere. Messaged me later saying he didn't see my msg.

I always had an inkling something was off. So when things started it was only for a bit of fun. We made for an awesome summer though and i don't regret it. I only regret not ending it earlier.

I guess I am asking this because I have a history of being a bit of a goodluck charm. I have dated quite a few men who have turned out to be AHOLES. Most of them either got in relationships while dating me, or straight after. They are all long term and still going. This most recent guy ghosted me out of nowhere. Poof. I was about to end it so it was ok. BUT it really hurt my self esteem. I really wanted to end it on good terms as we were friends and spoke often. Then, to no surprise.. From what i could see on fb he has met another girl. Even his brother and his best friend have become friends with her (I have since deleted him which is not how I wanted it to end)

This is going to sound bad but.. I am taking comfort in the fact that he is a player and will probably play the next and the next. What really hurts me is when someone plays me, then moves on from me to someone 'serious'. It honestly makes me feel worthless.

Do you think a true player will ever grow up?

March 11, 2016

I'm a guy and I think once a player always a player... just like once a liar always a liar... once a cheater always a cheater...

I think you need to reevaluate the type of men you date - that's the issue.

March 11, 2016

I'm a guy and I think once a player always a player... just like once a liar always a liar... once a cheater always a cheater...

I think you need to reevaluate the type of men you date - that's the issue.

Yes, a big issue of mine. I avoided getting too involved with this man for 4 years. I decided after almost 2 years of being completely single to give it a shot. People kept telling me he kept coming back for a reason lol

But yes.. Even though they have all gotten into relationships. Doesn't mean they are happy. I just take comfort in knowing the next girl can now deal with their sh**

March 11, 2016

People can change, but only when they feel like it not when you want them to

March 11, 2016

The behavior you describe does not make him a player. It makes him a cad.

A player would never let you suspect, let alone let you see, another woman. A Player makes you think you are the only one & that you are super special. It's a very specific form of lying.

A cad is a different breed. He makes you feel small & insecure because there are other women around. While he doesn't outright lie (like a player) the red flags are there & you ignore them at your own peril

While I think cads are irredeemable I do think many players eventually settle down or else they visibly celebrate their bachelorhoods.

March 11, 2016

The behavior you describe does not make him a player. It makes him a cad.

A player would never let you suspect, let alone let you see, another woman. A Player makes you think you are the only one & that you are super special. It's a very specific form of lying.

A cad is a different breed. He makes you feel small & insecure because there are other women around. While he doesn't outright lie (like a player) the red flags are there & you ignore them at your own peril

While I think cads are irredeemable I do think many players eventually settle down or else they visibly celebrate their bachelorhoods.

When I was with him, he made me feel like i was the only one. He would stare at me, laugh with me. Tell me how funny I was. How gorgeous I was. He would sit across from me at every dinner and stroke my hand. That is when I started to think that maybe he was falling for me. What does cad stand for? I am interested

March 11, 2016

Cad doesn't stand for anything. It's a word that means a man who behaves dishonorably, especially toward women.

Based on your second post maybe the guy was a player Players ply romance. I like but don't trust players. I have always said they give great date because you feel like the most beautiful, cherished woman in the world but it is all about the chase for them.

Still I think they can & do grow up. A player & maybe even a cad in his 20s can change. When he falls in love he'll fall hard. Past 35, they are probably irredeemable. I say this because I characterized myself as a female player throughout college. My sorority sisters used to joke that my idea of a double date was I'd let one boy take me to lunch & another take me to dinner.

March 11, 2016

Very interesting! I have never heard of it before. I guess he could be a cad. We never talked about anything serious. Never talked about previous relationships. He never told me I was the only girl etc. I don't think he ever lied to my face as such. I think if anything he would have avoided all that talk. I never asked him because I didnt think it was needed. I knew he was bad for me in the end and i was getting feelings.

I think he just enjoyed my company.

When he was in a relationship though, I couldn't see ANY trace of it on fb. Hence I have no idea how long they were together. I think he wanted to hide it. I only realised when she posted on his wall and in one of the comments she called herself his gf. He didnt allow any photos on his fb of the two of them. Leaving the door open to cheat probably. Who knows but in real life he was so normal(but good looking). One time he spat on me while trying to talk and chew at the same time. Thats not a smooth talker.. haha

I do wonder though if he acts and speaks with this new girl like he did me. Bring up sexual innuendos from get go etc.

March 11, 2016

Do you think a true player will ever grow up?

Relationships change people.

I get called a 'player', but it's a name that I don't like. I find it a lazy generalization TBH.

Three years ago, I was at the height of debauchery . I was doing some things that people here wouldn't like me to say, because it probably would offend their sensibilities.

I settled into two long term relationships over the last two or so years, and that has changed me. It's not like I could just go from breaking up with my ex back to the peak of what I was doing before that overnight. It doesn't work that way at all. Not in my experience.

If a guy is doing that, he already had one foot outside the relationship, and wasn't committed in the first place.

Edited March 11, 2016 by Jabron1

March 12, 2016

I do find players amusing... Yet certainly not dating material.

As you progress, you'll pick up on the clues....and then decide if you wish to be their fodder.

Since this was a case of him beating you to the lets end this affair , I tend to think the ego was marred abit and not your esteem.

And yes ppl are capable of changing... even those who seem to have made less then stellar life choices. The challenge though is recognizing who has the veracity to do so..

March 12, 2016

Would someone ...Jabron? Please define *player*?

What is a player ....a man who dates many different women until he meets the right woman with whom he wishes to have a relationship?

Or is player a man who lies to women and intentionally misleads them into thinking one thing when he really wants another?

Or is a player a man who *uses* women for sex or whatever ...which if that is the case, could not the woman be accused of using him too?

This term "player" is tossed around a lot around here, and I'd like to know how people are defing it.

Jabron, why were you accused of being a "player"?

Care to share?

March 12, 2016

Would someone ...Jabron? Please define *player*?

What is a player ....a man who dates many different women until he meets the right woman with whom he wishes to have a relationship?

Or is player a man who lies to women and intentionally misleads them into thinking one thing when he really wants another?

Or is a player a man who *uses* women for sex or whatever ...which if that is the case, could not the woman be accused of using him too?

This term "player" is tossed around a lot around here, and I'd like to know how people are defing it.

Player is a lazy generalization. A shaming tactic to any man that won't conform to other peoples expectations.

The word gets thrown around too liberally.

A liar is a liar. A cheat is a cheat. Yet, these things also mean a player, apparently . Based on the loose definition of the term, a player can be any of the things you described in your post.

I hope that I'm not coming across as 'offended' or anything lame like that. I'm just explaining this in a matter of fact way

Jabron, why were you accused of being a "player"?

Care to share?

I just get it in real life sometimes. Like at work, a woman said it in a joking way.

Most people don't mean anything by it.

Edited March 12, 2016 by Jabron1

March 12, 2016

Hard to say, since I'm not a player. I tend to go from trying to find a relationship to trying to find a relationship, and never juggle more than one woman at a time. Probably has something to do with seeing my mother get really hurt by my cheating father. Though that only explains why I don't cheat, I suppose.

I've stayed consistent in my 40 years, so it's possible players stay consistent too, due to whatever life experiences they had that turned them into what they are today.

March 12, 2016

Would someone ...Jabron? Please define *player*?

What is a player ....a man who dates many different women until he meets the right woman with whom he wishes to have a relationship?

Or is player a man who lies to women and intentionally misleads them into thinking one thing when he really wants another?

Or is a player a man who *uses* women for sex or whatever ...which if that is the case, could not the woman be accused of using him too?

This term "player" is tossed around a lot around here, and I'd like to know how people are defing it.

Jabron, why were you accused of being a "player"?

Care to share?

Isn't that just multi-dating?

The rest of what you said is what I'd consider a player.

I always thought the definition of a player is in the word itself -- someone who intentionally plays with another person by manipulating, lying, etc. to get what he/she wants, whether that's sex or just to keep them around. Players put/have you exactly where they want you, make you believe you are the only one, seduce you, make you feel like the love of their life, etc... but they're doing the same thing to 3 other people.

March 12, 2016

I always thought the definition of a player is in the word itself -- someone who intentionally plays with another person by manipulating, lying, etc. to get what he/she wants, whether that's sex or just to keep them around. Players put/have you exactly where they want you, make you believe you are the only one, seduce you, make you feel like the love of their life, etc... but they're doing the same thing to 3 other people.

That's just weak game. A guy playing a woman's game has to cheat, lie, etc.

I don't play anyone's game but my own. I don't tell anyone that they are the only one, until they are.

Part of the reason that I don't like the 'player' term is because I think we are all players in the dating game.

Girl game is just accepted as standard, a societal norm. Therefore it's not 'playing a game'.

March 12, 2016

I would really love to hear your opinions on whether a man can change.

I have recently realised I was just played big time. Dated a 27yo man for 4-5 months. Had known him 4 years. I definitely got a few little red flags.

First one is when he wanted to catch up with me over a year ago when I later found out he may have had a gf at that time.

At one stage he lived overseas for 6 months in 2014. We talked and skyped basically the whole time as friends but I noticed he had a girl all over his fb(thought she was a good friend) later found out it was his gf. About a month ago he told me how he had a lot of 'fun' overseas. I still don't know whether he was with her then or not. My guess is that he cheated lots

He would explain how he loves women. Breasts, long legs and everything. I found it a bit odd, but thought he was just being honest. He was very obsessed with my mine though..
He would go on about how every man wants me because I am tall and blonde. He loved being seen with me in public. He would always grab my behind in public, even on first date. I thought this guy was pretty sure of himself. One time he organised to catch up and then he never messaged on day. I asked him to let me know asap as i got an invite elsewhere. Messaged me later saying he didn't see my msg.

I always had an inkling something was off. So when things started it was only for a bit of fun. We made for an awesome summer though and i don't regret it. I only regret not ending it earlier.

I guess I am asking this because I have a history of being a bit of a goodluck charm. I have dated quite a few men who have turned out to be AHOLES. Most of them either got in relationships while dating me, or straight after. They are all long term and still going. This most recent guy ghosted me out of nowhere. Poof. I was about to end it so it was ok. BUT it really hurt my self esteem. I really wanted to end it on good terms as we were friends and spoke often. Then, to no surprise.. From what i could see on fb he has met another girl. Even his brother and his best friend have become friends with her (I have since deleted him which is not how I wanted it to end)

This is going to sound bad but.. I am taking comfort in the fact that he is a player and will probably play the next and the next. What really hurts me is when someone plays me, then moves on from me to someone 'serious'. It honestly makes me feel worthless.

Do you think a true player will ever grow up?

Some men do, some men don't.

My first boyfriend was a player and he still is. We dated for 6 months - we studied together at uni. After 6 months he broke up with me because it was getting too serious I guess. Then he dated a Spanish girl for 2 years, they were long distance (she was an Exchange student at our uni, then went back to Spain and they had LD). After 2 years she moved to our country for him, they lived together for a while and he dumped her also because it was getting too serious I guess.

THEN he went on to date an American Chinese girl (he was stationed in Boston for 6 months). They had a LD for a year or two, she moved to his country in the end and they lived together until he dumped her.

NOW he is dating a girl from Singapore. Also LD. Guess what I think the outcome of that RL will be? Also, he is my age (32) and ONLY dating younger girls now. He has cheated on ALL of the women he has been in 'relationships' with (I've seen him cheating on his Spanish girl and I've heard rumours about him from his friends how he was cheating on the other girls and not taking them seriously.

I am absolutely sure that no woman will ever change this man and although at some point he might settle Down with a woman and even get married/have kids, he will ALWAYS be a cheater and a womanizer.

March 12, 2016

Some men do, some men don't.

My first boyfriend was a player and he still is. We dated for 6 months - we studied together at uni. After 6 months he broke up with me because it was getting too serious I guess. Then he dated a Spanish girl for 2 years, they were long distance (she was an Exchange student at our uni, then went back to Spain and they had LD). After 2 years she moved to our country for him, they lived together for a while and he dumped her also because it was getting too serious I guess.

THEN he went on to date an American Chinese girl (he was stationed in Boston for 6 months). They had a LD for a year or two, she moved to his country in the end and they lived together until he dumped her.

NOW he is dating a girl from Singapore. Also LD. Guess what I think the outcome of that RL will be? Also, he is my age (32) and ONLY dating younger girls now. He has cheated on ALL of the women he has been in 'relationships' with (I've seen him cheating on his Spanish girl and I've heard rumours about him from his friends how he was cheating on the other girls and not taking them seriously.

I am absolutely sure that no woman will ever change this man and although at some point he might settle Down with a woman and even get married/have kids, he will ALWAYS be a cheater and a womanizer.

despgirl, I am sorry you got hurt ... but did he actually cheat on you ...or just realize after dating you for six months, you weren't the one?

Same with the others....

Or perhaps he is just a commitment phobe? Does that make a man a player?

I mean, other than he broke up with you and went on to have long term relationships with other women, what made him a "player" in your eyes?

Did he lie to you, cheat, or otherwise manipulate you in some fashion? And if he did, why did you stay?

I am not accusing you of anything, I am just so confused by these terms *player* and *womanizer* ...these terms are thrown around a lot around here, and I would really like to know how folks are defining them.

IMO, a single man dating (or even having relationships with) different women in his search for the right one, does not make him a player. It just makes him a single man searching, just like many women are doing.

Lying, cheating, manipulating? That is a whole n'other story!

Edited March 12, 2016 by katiegrl

March 12, 2016

despgirl, I am sorry you got hurt ... but did he actually cheat on you ...or just realize after dating you for six months, you weren't the one?

Same with the others....

Or perhaps he is just a commitment phobe? Does that make a man a player?

I mean, other than he broke up with you and went on to have long term relationships with other women, what made him a "player" in your eyes?

Did he lie to you, cheat, or otherwise manipulate you in some fashion? And if he did, why did you stay?

I am not accusing you of anything, I am just so confused by these terms *player* and *womanizer* ...these terms are thrown around a lot around here, and I would really like to know how folks are defining them.

IMO, a single man dating (or even having relationships with) different women in his search for the right one, does not make him a player. It just makes him a single man searching, just like many women are doing.

Lying, cheating, manipulating? That is a whole n'other story!

He did cheat on me too - as I found out later. Thanks Katie, but this was 11 years ago, so I am soo over him and I really dodged the bullet with this one!

March 12, 2016

despgirl, I am sorry you got hurt ... but did he actually cheat on you ...or just realize after dating you for six months, you weren't the one?

Same with the others....

Or perhaps he is just a commitment phobe? Does that make a man a player?

I mean, other than he broke up with you and went on to have long term relationships with other women, what made him a "player" in your eyes?

Did he lie to you, cheat, or otherwise manipulate you in some fashion? And if he did, why did you stay?

I am not accusing you of anything, I am just so confused by these terms *player* and *womanizer* ...these terms are thrown around a lot around here, and I would really like to know how folks are defining them.

IMO, a single man dating (or even having relationships with) different women in his search for the right one, does not make him a player. It just makes him a single man searching, just like many women are doing.

Lying, cheating, manipulating? That is a whole n'other story!

You are right, but this particular one IS a player. He is a Classic commitment phobe, and also has narcissistic/sociopath tendencies... He is NOT looking for the right woman, he just uses them. Lack of empathy = sociopath.

March 12, 2016

You are right, but this particular one IS a player. He is a Classic commitment phobe, and also has narcissistic/sociopath tendencies... He is NOT looking for the right woman, he just uses them. Lack of empathy = sociopath.

Fair enough, thank you for clarifying.... and yes in your case, you dodged a huge bullet!!!

March 12, 2016

Seems to me there are many different kinds of "player" out there, but maybe two common types.

A person that has a lot of one night stands or short relationships with many different people at once. ie he/she plays the field - anyone is fair game - anyone anytime.

A person who has several long term aka " I love you"/exclusive" relationships and they trick each "lover" into thinking they are the only one. ie he/she plays on the emotions of others to get what they want.

I think for those where the chase or variety or excitement or adrenaline is all, then I think settling down with one person is probably never really going to work.

For those who were perhaps a slave to their hormones and sex drive when young, settling down may work OK.

March 12, 2016

It is what it is: He's not interested in the whole woman. He's interested in certain body parts.

March 12, 2016

I used to be one.....13 years ago. Been married for 13 years so (yes) you can change. But nobody can make you do it.

March 12, 2016

I think perhaps some people who use the word player are just using it as an umbrella term including when the outcome of dating a guy doesn't go the way they had hoped and they feel duped. Probably helps to be more specific. I don't think "cheaters" change--probably the minority of them but wouldn't count on it. "Players" when it's just a guy who is not ready to settle down or you were not the one for him, of course, they "change" when the right one comes along. I also think it's bad to lump the entire group of men whether you are labeling them players, cheaters or whatever together. Good to pay attention to patterns and protect yourself by making them meet your standards and thresholds and judge on a case by case basis and on each guy on his own merits and actions.

OP, by your own examples, the guys you speak of got into relationships right afterward. Are they loyal in these relationships, who knows? Probably some are some aren't. I think if we were going to generalize, the safer one is to say that on the whole guys when they grow up let go of their player tendencies. Don't feel bad though. I would say much of the time it's the timing, not that you are not good enough that they wanted to "change". Guys sometimes credit it to a girl as being the reason for the change, but usually if you look into it, it is because they are finally ready and it's a personal, internal decision.

March 13, 2016

Girl game is just accepted as standard, a societal norm. Therefore it's not 'playing a game'.

So how do you define girl game? Or is that too long for this thread?!

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