Missing him tonight :-(

[PersonaPersona]

To start off this story, I want to say this is about a long distance relationship that just came to a screeching halt – 900 miles away from each other. I met him last year in February in a chatroom I thought I would never find a decent person in. It was late, I was bored, I didn't think I would get much out of it. Then came my (now) ex boyfriend, we began chatting and exchanged numbers, and the rest was history.

 

We met later IRL that April, that's when he asked me to be in a relationship with him. He did this because it would be better and more meaningful to ask someone face to face than over the phone or through text. He was as close as perfect can be to me. He cared, he said he loved me, and not only said these things but also showed it – and all of that was always returned. Gestures, gifts, calls, texts – everything possible, we did it. We saw each other two times after that: one week in June and went home. Then returned to spend the Summer with him for the whole month of July, and a few weeks into August. That was the last time I physically saw him.

 

There was something that would get in the middle of us though and cause some distance sometimes in the relationship. He goes into this state where he shuts down mentally and emotionally – feeling emptiness and confusion and also lashing out with frustration. It never pushed me away from him at all. To me, it's just who he is and it's something that I had to accept about him in order to be with him, and I did. Nobody's perfect after all. If he needed me to talk to, he knew I was there. I would check up on him, talk to him, comfort him in the best ways I could being so far, you name it.

 

As we all know, LDR's are something where the two people in it have to come together eventually. We had plans to! He had money down on a place, and I was just waiting to pack my bags and never look back just to be with him. Now, what really put tension on us was the wait. The wait for an answer back – yes, or no. It was about whether he got the place or not. Along with missing me and not having me, he had a lot going on around him. Debt, having to take care of business, and stress. What did this cause him to do? Shut down.

 

In the past couple of days, it's been bad. He has shut down and shut everyone out more often, and has burst out with even more frustration. That continued to put more tension on our relationship – until today, when he ended it.

 

We got on the phone last night, and it all started off by him saying that he just couldn't do this anymore. Everything he has going on is killing him and that he has so much stuff on the side that he needs to take care of. He told me he doesn't want to put me through all that trouble and pain. He told me he was giving the heart back to me that I once gave to him. It crumbled once I had it back in my hands. It was shattered in so many pieces, I don't even remember how to put it all back together.

 

But how can someone just do that? After all the promises of always holding on no matter how hard things get, after telling me when I wanted to give up to hold on no matter what, after telling me "Forever and Always". He would always tell me he wouldn't know what to do without me, but now what he's chosen is to lose me.

 

I'm still in shock. Crying in parts because I'm still trying to process the pain. I don't feel anger for him because this is something he wanted to do to improve himself. I just hope that's the truth.

 

I have started NC, put away all the memories, and hope for the best.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're hurt, OP.

 

I think you two put an awful lot of expectations on this. You didn't much chance to build a relationship in person and haven't seen each other for months. It is generally not a good idea to go directly from an LDR to living together, and I think he probably realized this.

 

A few questions:

1) Why haven't you met at all since August?

2) When you say he put money down on a place, what do you mean exactly? He had been approved for a mortgage, or put a deposit on a rental? I am curious how long the wait was to see if he got it or not, and whether or not he actually secured it in the end.

3) What was your plan for the future, once moving there? Had you already started looking into jobs in his area?

4) How long were these periods of shutting down? Did he drop off the radar altogether, or did he maintain some sort of contract?

 

I think answering these questions will help us get a clearer sense of what might be going on and why he suddenly ended it.

[PersonaPersona]

I'm sorry you're hurt, OP.

 

I think you two put an awful lot of expectations on this. You didn't much chance to build a relationship in person and haven't seen each other for months. It is generally not a good idea to go directly from an LDR to living together, and I think he probably realized this.

 

A few questions:

1) Why haven't you met at all since August?

2) When you say he put money down on a place, what do you mean exactly? He had been approved for a mortgage, or put a deposit on a rental? I am curious how long the wait was to see if he got it or not, and whether or not he actually secured it in the end.

3) What was your plan for the future, once moving there? Had you already started looking into jobs in his area?

4) How long were these periods of shutting down? Did he drop off the radar altogether, or did he maintain some sort of contract?

 

I think answering these questions will help us get a clearer sense of what might be going on and why he suddenly ended it.

I'll answer these for you if they help.

 

1) We haven't met since August because there hasn't been a place I could go to stay with him since then. He's been moving around a lot trying to find a place to call his own, and he's stayed with many different family members. Last time I was with him, he was at his Mom's house. Recently, they just moved to a different state, and he is staying with his Mom again and she's living in a trailer home. There's barely any space for him as he's sleeping on a couch, he just didn't want to put me into the situation until he got his own place.

2) He and his brother are trying to get a trailer house as well. He has already put money down to secure it, gave them all documentation they need (credit checks, background checks, etc.) and now (last time I knew) he was waiting for the "yes" to go back and pay the rest of what him and his brother need to give and get the keys.

3) Our plan was to live together and start the life we've been wanting, I'm 18 so I would be taking on a part time job while also going to school (only when I was financially ready). We went over many different jobs that were hiring in the area, along side me doing my own research as well.

4) When he shuts down, he does go off the radar. Usually, it would be a few hours. Never would it be more than a day though, I always tried to get a hold of him and he would always tell me what he could put together of his feelings... when he could.

[Toodaloo]

OP

 

I know this is hard but please do not take this route.

 

Please save your money and think of your future.

 

Please concentrate at school and college.

 

Please let this one go.

 

Work hard and save as much as you can. Go out with your friends, take up sports and hobbies. Keep busy.

 

I know it doesn't feel like it now. But you will get over this and life will get better.

[PersonaPersona]

It's been a week since my long distance boyfriend ended our 10 month long relationship, he told me he needed time to himself to get back on his feet and figure himself out before he could be with someone. At first, he wanted to end it over a Facebook message, I had to beg him to get on the phone. He just didn't feel like it was even necessary. (So nice of him. *sarcasm*)

 

I just can't stop thinking about the many things that I could have done or fixed because in the end, he actually left me to be with someone else. Someone who was much, much closer to him. In the same state to be exact. You know, what I can't be? This hurt me like a ton of bricks, not only am I dealing with losing someone close to me, I'm also feeling the pain of losing someone because they got taken away from me. He never personally told me this though, I had to find out accidentally when I was deleting the memories on my Facebook account.

 

When I finally got to my inbox, I saw his new profile picture – him and this new girl. Even though I was blocked. I also found out he not only blocked me, but my best friends as well. He left my mother and my brother on his friends list for some reason – a reason I'll never know. I was devastated.

 

On the phone, he was distant. He was mad. He was not the man I knew. He was barely talking, and when he was, he was yelling at me telling me I sound like his ex just because I was asking how he could throw all of what we had away on just one day of thinking about it (future plans, our relationship). In my last moments with him, he was nasty, rude, and cold. I don't want to remember him like that!

 

Over the last week, I've done a lot of thinking of why this happened and why my love could be overthrown by some random girl he just met in the last month. I can't come up with answers, the pain is unbearable, I can't concentrate on anything, and the nights are absolutely the worst. He messaged me three days after saying he was "sorry" and that he would understand if I didn't respond because "there was nothing he could do about it." Funny thing is, he messaged me from his old Facebook account. He probably thinks I have no idea he left me for someone else.

 

My feelings are all over the place. Does anyone have advice? I really need some right now. :-(

Edited March 4, 2016 by PersonaPersona

[Cora]

I'm so sorry you are hurting. Your story is similar to mine except for the long distance thing. I had a wonderful seven months with my ex. I fell so in love with him and would have done anything for him. We shared a lot of beautiful memories together. Then he suddenly grew distance toward the end of the last month together. He told me he needed time to himself to deal with some issues he was going through. Never truthfully gave me an answer or provided me with any kind of closure. I found out later through Facebook he was with a new girl now. Found numerous pictures of them together. That was like a knife stabbing me in the heart. I was so heartbroken that he could just leave behind everything we shared like it meant nothing. I was even more heartbroken that he felt he couldn't be honest with me about finding someone new. I had to find out on my own through Facebook. That tore me up inside.

 

They are still together to this day and seem to be so happily in love. It's been ten months since he left me and I stil get sad when I think of him from time to time, but it does get easier. I did not think I'd ever be able to move on and find happiness again, but I did and you will too. Just take it one day at a time. I just wanted you to know I can relate to what you're going through. Sending you lots of hugs. Take care of yourself and keep looking towards the future. Surround yourself with positive people who make you feel good. Family, good friends etc. Just keep hanging in there.

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry he did this to you. Unfortunately the harsh reality is he wanted an SO who was in closer physical proximity. Not everyone is built for an LDR.

 

 

Take some time. Lick your wounds. Vary your routine so you aren't reminded of him when you look at your computer. Surround yourself with positive people. Hang in there.

[BatManuel]

I feel for you.

 

GF of three years, almost two years living together, one year LDR (Military deployment). I was ready to ask her to marry me two days after Christmas, she dumps me right before she's about to visit because she doesn't want kids and I did with her. I ask her for sometime to wrap my head around not having kids with her. After about two weeks I tell her I'd choose her over kids, but now it's about communication issues and she needs space. Then I find out she been sleeping with/dating a coworker since before she dumped me. Obviously, he's divorced with a kid. She even cited her babysitting for him as one of the solidifying forces behind changing her mind on motherhood, lol.

 

We didn't have the perfect relationship and we had some communication issues, but nothing that we couldn't have addressed if we tried. Interestingly enough now that I've got my head settled I don't even want kids, which is exactly how I felt before meeting her. Doesn't mean I wouldn't for the right woman, but this has allowed me to clear my head and figure out what I really want from life. I've learned a lot about myself, relationships, personality types and am even going to therapy (a resource I've always referred people to, but figure this is as good of a chance as any to QC the program).

 

Long story short, you're not the only person in this boat. If he's too much of a coward to break up with you over the phone or in person (I got a text) and he wasn't loyal enough to resist shopping around for other women...you'll soon realize you're much better off without him. I'm three months out and wish I hadn't spent so much time beating myself up over this. It gets better.

Edited March 7, 2016 by BatManuel

[PersonaPersona]

My LDR boyfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago just so he could "get back on his feet" before being in a relationship. A day later, he was with someone else, and made it Facebook official that they were in a relationship. He blocked me afterword.

 

Tonight, I'm missing him so much. Missing the good times we had together in person, the chemistry, looking into his eyes, him holding me. The texts, the calls, the video chats, all of it. I miss looking forward to seeing him, but that's all gone now.

 

It hurts twice as bad because he basically left me for someone else. I am still trying to get my thoughts together, but it's still so damn hard. :-(

 

Trying so hard not to cry too much.

[sorano]

very sorry this happened. Don't hold in any emotions. If you need to cry, cry. Let it out. Its still fresh. Go with how you feel. Just don't harm anyone else or yourself.