Wondering if I'm BPD...

[wonderbug111]

I've been dating a guy for about 15 mths. I'm 46, divorced for 5 yrs with 2 kids. Our relationship has been tumultuous at times and wonderful at times. I wondered if he wasn't the right guy for me even though he loves me more than anyone ever has in my entire life. I seem to get extremely close to him and then I will find something to get angry about and pull away in anger/distrust/hurt/etc. It's always something. It will not stop happening. When we are together, I will feel deeply in love, secure and happy. When we are apart, I will start to feel negative about the relationship for different reasons and pull away and then he gets hurt and angry. We always come back to each other. I don't know what is wrong with me. When I've read the symptoms of BPD, I seem to have many unfortunately.

 

My ex-husband cheated on me after a 10 yr relationship and I was devastated. Not a "I lost the love of my life" devastation, but a "I can't believe he betrayed my trust" kind of devastation if that makes sense. I did not date for 4 years after the divorce because I had zero faith in men and I didn't trust myself to pick a decent one. Now here I am having all sorts of problems in this relationship and I think I may be the problem. I wasn't like this when I dated my ex-husband so I don't know why I've changed. It's almost like I've reverted to being an insecure 20 yr old. I'm hot/cold, push/pull. I love him/I hate him.

 

Can someone please help me? I've been in counseling for well over a year as well and don't seem to be making any progress.

[joseb]

Did your councellor mention bpd?

Did you ask her/him?

[planb1973]

Good for you for seeking counseling. BPD or not that is up to a qualified professional to diagnose.

 

I dated a BPD for 3 years and it was devastating for me. I loved her more than I have ever loved anyone, but I learned something very important. It takes 2 to have a toxic relationship. You may love your BF and he loves you but there may just be a perfect mix between you that leads to the perfect storm.

[Versacehottie]

I'm not a psychologist by any means. Why would you want to force yourself into that label (which is pretty serious!)? I think if it was BPD it would probably crop up in most other areas of your life too--but like I said I'm not a psychologist.

 

Here's just my layperson's opinion: sounds like you felt deeply betrayed and are scared of being hurt again by your romantic partner. Sounds like it's possible that this could happen to you no matter who it was that you were dating. It's a way of protecting yourself by manufacturing space--even if it comes for a negative reason or at price.

 

I think you are within your rights to want to have and expect progress from your therapy a year in. Maybe change the therapist or type of therapy that you do. I'm big believer in practice and action-oriented things to create change. I did ace all my psychology classes in college :-) so I think you should do cognitive behavioral stuff if that's not what you are already doing. If you are but not seeing results then maybe you just don't have a productive relationship with your therapist. You can even really like him or her but without results it's not productive.

 

There's this whole thing I read recently where they are starting to discover if you vent and tell your sagas a lot it actually makes you BETTER at being negative and focusing on the negative. In other words you get stuck (it's because those neural pathways trigger easier and fastest than the ones that would having you believing good things about yourself and telling those good stories). Think of it like a muscle to exercise--if you are only venting and expressing your troubles as you perceive them--that's what you get more adept at. I have definitely witnessed this in real life so it was interesting to run into this new research that backs it up. I think it will change therapy and how we should address problems in our lives once the theory becomes more mainstream. As it relates to you, if your therapist is listening to you vent etc, it can temporarily sooth you but may not result in the progress you need. If you work with a cognitive one, and focus on reinforcing positive behaviors and noticing those things in your life, I think (am sure!) your life will change. Good luck! You sound nice--my gut says not BPD.

[Gaeta]

The first thing that came to my mind is pre-menaupose, not BPD.

 

* mood swings

* depression

* anxiety

* irritability

* panic disorder

* tension

 

Before diagnosing yourself with a mental illness go see your physician and talk to him about what you're going through. You need blood test to verify your hormones are not out of balance.

[ExpatInItaly]

Good for you for seeking counseling. BPD or not that is up to a qualified professional to diagnose.

 

I dated a BPD for 3 years and it was devastating for me. I loved her more than I have ever loved anyone, but I learned something very important. It takes 2 to have a toxic relationship. You may love your BF and he loves you but there may just be a perfect mix between you that leads to the perfect storm.

 

 

I agree. An ex of mine is diagnosed but untreated BPD and it did a horrible number on my self-esteem. The rage and verbal/emotional abuse simply became unbearable for me.

 

OP, when did you start to notice these symptoms? To my understanding, BPD is not something that has a sudden onset, necessarily. There is generally an established history of chaotic and tumultuous relationships, both romantic and otherwise. My ex would lash out not only at me but also friends, family and colleagues. I could see his entire life was in a state of emotional turmoil. Is the same true for you, or does this tend to come out only in regards to your boyfriend?

[wonderbug111]

Did your councellor mention bpd?

Did you ask her/him?

 

No, my counselor thinks my 10 yr old daughter may be a "budding bpd" as she has been struggling with depression, anxiety and anger and her moods are high and low. As I've read more about it, I've noticed that I too, seem to have a lot of the symptoms. I've been diagnosed with depression since I was 26 but I know it first started when I was 15. My bf has somewhat suggested it too although he says everyone is to some degree, himself included. He thinks I'm more narcissistic bc when I pull back I only care about myself which is entirely true.

 

I don't lash out in anger. In fact, I hate yelling and screaming. I withdraw and won't answer calls and texts. This infuriates my bf but I can't seem to help it. I feel at times my anger is disproportionate to the event but I am unable to control my reaction. I'm currently in one of my withdrawal times and I turned off my phone all day yesterday. He could only reach me via email. I just feel like I want to hide. I know this is not "normal, mature behavior" as my bf likes to remind me but I just can't seem to stop doing it.

 

I also did just have my hormones checked as I missed my period for a few months and began having some mild hot flashes. And I was having some intense days of extreme irritability. I am indeed in perimenopause. Yay me! So that explained a little I guess. But I just feel like my brain so f#cked up. My bf adores me but should probably run for the hills and sometimes I just feel I should end it because I keep causing so much chaos for both of us. I don't know why I can't just sustain a normal healthy relationship at the tender age of 46:o

[Summer3]

No, my counselor thinks my 10 yr old daughter may be a "budding bpd" as she has been struggling with depression, anxiety and anger and her moods are high and low. As I've read more about it, I've noticed that I too, seem to have a lot of the symptoms. I've been diagnosed with depression since I was 26 but I know it first started when I was 15. My bf has somewhat suggested it too although he says everyone is to some degree, himself included. He thinks I'm more narcissistic bc when I pull back I only care about myself which is entirely true.

 

I don't lash out in anger. In fact, I hate yelling and screaming. I withdraw and won't answer calls and texts. This infuriates my bf but I can't seem to help it. I feel at times my anger is disproportionate to the event but I am unable to control my reaction. I'm currently in one of my withdrawal times and I turned off my phone all day yesterday. He could only reach me via email. I just feel like I want to hide. I know this is not "normal, mature behavior" as my bf likes to remind me but I just can't seem to stop doing it.

 

I also did just have my hormones checked as I missed my period for a few months and began having some mild hot flashes. And I was having some intense days of extreme irritability. I am indeed in perimenopause. Yay me! So that explained a little I guess. But I just feel like my brain so f#cked up. My bf adores me but should probably run for the hills and sometimes I just feel I should end it because I keep causing so much chaos for both of us. I don't know why I can't just sustain a normal healthy relationship at the tender age of 46:o

 

I'm 47 and you sound a little like me. I don't know if you or myself have BPD but if you feel your emotions are a little out of control and immature then you might want to try DBT. I've been listening to the skills training on youtube and it has been helping.

[wonderbug111]

Good for you for seeking counseling. BPD or not that is up to a qualified professional to diagnose.

 

I dated a BPD for 3 years and it was devastating for me. I loved her more than I have ever loved anyone, but I learned something very important. It takes 2 to have a toxic relationship. You may love your BF and he loves you but there may just be a perfect mix between you that leads to the perfect storm.

 

I think you may be right about this. I know my behavior is not always appropriate but his response ALWAYS furthers my desire to be distant from him. Currently, he is angry at me for turning my phone off yesterday and not returning his calls. He just called me and "talks loudly" at me for over 10 min without me saying a word. When he does this, I can't help but detest him. I inevitably hung up on him again bc he begins to say things that are not true in relation to my behavior. I refuse to sit thru his tirade. That I hate his (adult) kids, that I don't care about him or his feelings or his stress from his job or his constant not feeling well. Or maybe they are true??? All I know is I feel disgust and contempt for him right now. Ugh.

[Miss Peach]

When I got divorced I didn't really trust my picker too. It took a long time. So I don't think that's uncommon per se. I also have some drama filled relationships in my past. I believe BOTH parties have a role in drama; even if that role is just enabling it.

 

I haven't read anything that makes me think BPD per se but it does seem to be strong in trust issues and that you aren't emotionally available. Sounds like there is a lot of push/pull, games, etc. I found Natalie Lue's writings (she has a blog called baggage reclaim) to be really helpful to me to trust myself again and learn to trust others. She has an article I can't link due to LS's rules but it's called the "Debit and Credit Trust System'. She also has a podcast about that one if that is more your thing.

[wonderbug111]

When I got divorced I didn't really trust my picker too. It took a long time. So I don't think that's uncommon per se. I also have some drama filled relationships in my past. I believe BOTH parties have a role in drama; even if that role is just enabling it.

 

I haven't read anything that makes me think BPD per se but it does seem to be strong in trust issues and that you aren't emotionally available. Sounds like there is a lot of push/pull, games, etc. I found Natalie Lue's writings (she has a blog called baggage reclaim) to be really helpful to me to trust myself again and learn to trust others. She has an article I can't link due to LS's rules but it's called the "Debit and Credit Trust System'. She also has a podcast about that one if that is more your thing.

 

 

Thank you. I will look it up. I just am confused in whether or not to hang on to the relationship if it's me that's the problem and I can potentially "fix" myself.

 

But there again, he has gone and told me I had 5 minutes to call him back or it was over. It's been about 2 hrs. I've received one vm and email telling me it was over and goodbye. We've done this probably 20 times. I want off the merrygoround. I am not blaming him for all of this but we always just spiral out of control to the point of breaking up and then he does all the talking and tells me the EXACT same thing every time. He's not hurt or mad (meanwhile calling me a coward and/or questioning my moral integrity as a person) yeah, right... and that he's glad that I've shown him my "True colors" etc... it's always the same bs. I want out!!!! I don't think we're good for each other at all. At least neither of us has any idea how to deal with any kind of conflict.

[Redhead14]

I've been dating a guy for about 15 mths. I'm 46, divorced for 5 yrs with 2 kids. Our relationship has been tumultuous at times and wonderful at times. I wondered if he wasn't the right guy for me even though he loves me more than anyone ever has in my entire life. I seem to get extremely close to him and then I will find something to get angry about and pull away in anger/distrust/hurt/etc. It's always something. It will not stop happening. When we are together, I will feel deeply in love, secure and happy. When we are apart, I will start to feel negative about the relationship for different reasons and pull away and then he gets hurt and angry. We always come back to each other. I don't know what is wrong with me. When I've read the symptoms of BPD, I seem to have many unfortunately.

 

My ex-husband cheated on me after a 10 yr relationship and I was devastated. Not a "I lost the love of my life" devastation, but a "I can't believe he betrayed my trust" kind of devastation if that makes sense. I did not date for 4 years after the divorce because I had zero faith in men and I didn't trust myself to pick a decent one. Now here I am having all sorts of problems in this relationship and I think I may be the problem. I wasn't like this when I dated my ex-husband so I don't know why I've changed. It's almost like I've reverted to being an insecure 20 yr old. I'm hot/cold, push/pull. I love him/I hate him.

 

Can someone please help me? I've been in counseling for well over a year as well and don't seem to be making any progress.

 

When we are apart, I will start to feel negative about the relationship -- because when you are together to KNOW where he is, WHO he's with. When you're apart, your imagination and the feelings of insecurity from the past get activated.

 

This is not about being BPD, this is about unresolved "baggage" from your past experiences. You do things to sabotage the current relationship because you're afraid the same thing will happen.

 

I will find something to get angry about and pull away in anger/distrust/hurt/etc. -- If you current partner is doing anything that remotely resembles your experiences from the past, it will trigger the same or similar responses. You need to focus on what's going on in the moment to make you upset and evaluate whether or not the new situation warrants that response. Talk to your current partner when you're feeling triggered instead of pulling away.

 

Stick with counseling. A year isn't going to undo the damage caused by cheating in a 10 year marriage. These are deep wounds. And, usually the reason someone doesn't find much progress in counseling is that they are not being completely open and honest in therapy. People often take a long time to get really real with a counselor. And, you can try other counselors as well.

[Aniela]

I wondered the same thing about myself, in recent years, due to my sudden change in emotions. I've read that PTSD can come across as BPD - and I would think that being cheated on by someone you loved, would bring something like that out in a person.

[Redhead14]

OP, don't start self-diagnosing, especially since you're paying good money for someone to do that. If your counselor isn't labeling, neither should you. Labels themselves cause a person to not focus on what's really on their plates.

[wonderbug111]

When we are apart, I will start to feel negative about the relationship -- because when you are together to KNOW where he is, WHO he's with. When you're apart, your imagination and the feelings of insecurity from the past get activated.

 

This is not about being BPD, this is about unresolved "baggage" from your past experiences. You do things to sabotage the current relationship because you're afraid the same thing will happen.

 

I will find something to get angry about and pull away in anger/distrust/hurt/etc. -- If you current partner is doing anything that remotely resembles your experiences from the past, it will trigger the same or similar responses. You need to focus on what's going on in the moment to make you upset and evaluate whether or not the new situation warrants that response. Talk to your current partner when you're feeling triggered instead of pulling away.

 

Stick with counseling. A year isn't going to undo the damage caused by cheating in a 10 year marriage. These are deep wounds. And, usually the reason someone doesn't find much progress in counseling is that they are not being completely open and honest in therapy. People often take a long time to get really real with a counselor. And, you can try other counselors as well.

 

The funny thing is when we're apart, I'm not wondering who he's with, what he's doing. It's more are his feelings really what he says they are or am I just another gf and he's like this with everyone he's dated? My anger is triggered when i feel slighted by him and it can be so damn minuscule. This latest one was that he always comes over wednesday nights (we recently decided on this after determining that we needed to see each other more often than just every other wknd and short visits here and there) so Wednesday evening he and I are texting around 6pm and he mentions his son is coming over to change his oil at like 6:30 or 7. I asked if he was still coming over and he replied "idk yet. Might have to be later and what did I think?" I SHOULD have replied "yes just come later bc I really want/need to see you tonight but instead I said " well if you weren't planning on coming, don't worry about it" and basically he was like ok. And then I get so angry at him but more at myself for wanting/needing to see him and now I physically/psychologically/emotionally CAN NOT see him/talk to him/be close to him at all. He then lashes out at me which pushes me further away.

[Miss Peach]

OP - You can't 'fix yourself'. Natalie's blog is great at reminding yourself you don't need to twist yourself into a pretzel in a healthy relationship.

 

My XH would threaten to leave me and play games like the ones you mentioned. While I don't blame him completely for the dynamic between us, I know it wasn't healthy. It wasn't going to be healthy unless it was something *both* of us were committed to doing together. That was one of the reason I left him. *I* wanted to do something about it but he was happy to live as we always had.

[RRM321]

If your negative thoughts are triggered by his absence or distance that can also be a lingering sensitivity to the distance that accompanied your previous spouse's affair.

 

The other thing is that the content of BF lashing out at you doesn't seem like a healthy redress. Maybe you have instincts instead of a disorder?