Toodaloo Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I'll give you my honest opinion...I feel that 99% of guys out there would prefer that the woman they fall in love with and plan to spend the rest of their lives with was pure and untouched...the virgin maiden in white so to speak. It's not practical thinking in this day and age and I wasn't really expecting it with her way back then...I mean we were teenagers in the 70's. The core of our relationship is good otherwise...at least it is to me. We don't fight or bicker with each other. I always thought the communication was good. We go places and enjoy our kids and grand-kids together. As for trust...yeah I'd have to say I do still trust her but...there's always a but huh?...It's damaged...and I hate that She lied to you because she loved you and wanted you to see her has a prize that men wanted. She did that because she probably knew back then that she wanted to be with you for the rest of her life and knew that guys need to feel like the woman on their arm is something special. She wanted you to desire her and to think that she could please you in the bedroom. She probably knew she could but needed something to prove to you she could. Obviously with children and grand children it worked! What you do not realise is that your communication IS still good. Probably better because she has told you about it and has been honest even after all these years. You have a good marriage. Don't screw it up just because your wife loves you just as much today as she did back then. Accept that sometimes people do things that are not great because they want something greater... I would say 40 happy years is FAR greater than a silly fib as a youngster. You need to trust that she did this because she loves you. If she had told you that you were going to your childs house for supper to celebrate your birthday and then drove you to a fancy restaurant where all your friends and family were gathered for a surprise birthday party would you still feel the same? No. Because you would know that she told the lie to keep the surprise secret for you. It is the same thing. She loves you. This lie really doesn't matter. Go and hug your wife, buy her flowers, take her dancing and romance her as she sounds like a great person and you are a very lucky man.
dichotomy Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 It was unnecessary pain to put you through. Young people - even old ones - in new love - do dumb things - lie hide parts of themselves, say things they regret, act in someway they think helps them further the relationship. I once read an article that people lie more to the ones they love. Strange stuff - love and humans.
SSJROMANCE Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I can only say I wish MY wife lied to me about her past the same way your wife lied about hers. Did you ask her WHY she lied or did I miss that? As far as the other episodes about thinking she cheated can you give more details as to why you think she cheated? One thing for sure is now you know your wife is quite capable of lying and in a big way. If she lied about this she may well indeed have lied to you about other things.
road Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I do not know why she lied. Though I do now understand how it now makes it hard to believe her now. What was her motivation to lie. Was she honest 40 years ago and now lying to protect you because you can't handle the truth now. All lying does is create future doubts. Now the OP thinks she may have strayed earlier in the marriage. This wife can deny she ever stepped out. And, she can be telling the truth that she never did. Though her lying on something that important has made it very difficult to believe her now. OP, the only thing you can do is to tell your wife how the lying has left you unsettled and then work together to repair the damaged trust.
Redhead14 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 This is going to be a different kind of story. Yes...my wife lied to me about her sexual past. The difference is she lied the opposite of the way many people do about this. We've been married for almost 40 years and had the conversation most couple do a long time ago about our sexual history and just like many guys I was hurt to discover that the woman I loved and was planning on marrying had had sexual histories with other guys. It took me awhile to get over this but I did and moved on. Here's where the story is different...over the years of our marriage during innocent conversation...maybe about old friends or past experiences (not sexual) she's let slip a few things that made me question the truth about her sexual history...things just didn't add up. I began to doubt some of the stories and questioning her honesty with me. This doubt brought back the old demons and jealousy which I thought I was over. It got to the point where I was thinking about this everyday so I bluntly just started asking her questions. It turns out (if she's telling me the truth now) that she's had allot LESS sexual partners than she originally led me to believe. You think a guy would be ecstatic to learn this...I wasn't. Why did she lie in the first place? She knew way back then what she told me hurt. She claims she lied way back then because she wanted to make me jealous...well it worked...and because of my typical male ego took a long time to get over. I'm saddened by all of the unnecessary pain and hurt she put me through. I'm also really questioning her honesty with me. Why on earth would a woman lie and say she had more sexual partners than she really did? If she told me then what she now says is the truth I would have been over the moon with happiness. A guys mind plays mean tricks on itself. I start thinking if she lied about that what else has she lied to me about. There were a couple of times I suspected that she cheated on me early in our marriage and once at about the 20-year mark. I completely trusted her then and when confronted with my suspicions and fears at the time she assured me that she had not cheated and that I was her guy and yada, yada, yada. In the back of my mind I do believe her...but the doubts creep in. She did lie about her sexual past...now I start thinking what if she did cheat. I now know that she's capable of lying to me about sex...straight faced and bold...and the doubts creep in. I love her but I don't trust her anymore and it's killing me inside. Anyway...Thanks for listening to the rants of a sad old man. Old Hippie Is there something else in the relationship that is causing you to become so fixated on relatively small things that happened 40 years ago? I mean, usually when someone starts picking out past things, little issues, etc. they are building a case, so to speak. There are problems in the relationship, they can't accept that perhaps its time to end it so they start "gathering" ammo to support a possible decision to leave . . . rants of a sad old man -- I find it hard to believe/understand why you are a sad old man "all of a sudden" over this. Something else is wrong . . . And, if you've never told a white lie or never lied in your marriage ever or said or did something she didn't appreciate, don't start picking up stones that have been on the ground for 40 years. You may break a window that opens to a world of rehashing history and damaging the good thing you have now. She came clean, what else do you want her to do? The other way around would be worse, I think -- "I only slept with one guy before you". "Sorry I lied, it was 100." You were kids when she did that and so were you. You probably behaved like a kid then too and now you're doing it again -- being jealous and insecure.
Rejected Rosebud Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Your reaction to finding this out after 40 years of marriage (:eek:) is way more destructive than the fact that she told you she had more sexual partners than she actually had. Why is the number of sexual partners even important anyway? It certainly should have no more importance left after many years of a stable marriage. Don't wreck your marriage by torturing your wife over this please, please.
sandylee1 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I'd say it was so that you didn't think no other guy wanted her or that she was a prude or something. Depending on her age... she may have had a lot less guys than other girls her age...so perhaps she jacked up the number for that reason......there are also guys won't marry an inexperienced woman because they think she'll cheat.... because she's not had many lovers.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 It turns out (if she's telling me the truth now) that she's had allot LESS sexual partners than she originally led me to believe. Does less mean zero, was she a virgin when she met you? If not, whether the true answer was one or more than one, her concern and your angst would be the same. Why not sentence her to time served? If you can't tell the difference between 30 seconds of 1975 conversation and 40 years of commitment as your "best friend and my soul mate", there's bigger issues at play... Mr. Lucky 1
Tahirthegreat Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 THe lie sucks, but at least not as many men have been with your wife. Thats a good thing
Almond_Joy Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 That's a good question...her answer is "I Don't Know" Hmm... Is it possible that you'd done something that hurt her around the time you asked her that question? Maybe the fact that you asked her hurt her? I'm not saying that makes it OK that she wanted to make you jealous, just trying to understand the mindset. Maybe she thought if you were jealous you'd work twice as hard to make her happy/please her? If she says you hurt her at the time and she wanted you to be jealous as a result, you're dealing with a vindictive person. Those types can be extremely manipulative and know how to hold a grudge. Personally, I wouldn't trust the love of a man whose feelings are compromised by the partners I was with before I met him. I only mention that because this could be a motivator too. No one can tell you for sure why she wanted to make you jealous back then except your wife. I agree with xxoo in that it really doesn't matter now. She hurt you back then, intentionally, OK. Does she do that now? How often has she tried to intentionally hurt you in the 40 years you've been together? If your answer is "never" or "I can't remember", there is no reason to pursue this, at all. It can only bring needless distrust and more pain.
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