Thoughts on bringing up the past/guilt tripping/issue pileup in a relationship.

[Tomogaso]

Hey everyone.

 

I'm in a first-time relationship (with a partner who also never dated for long). We've been together for about 70 days, and I've started experiencing the notorious "guilt trip"-- when during a problem discussion past issues get brought up.

 

I just wanna be clear it's completely my fault-- the issue in question is my not listening/disregarding his choices, and the past situations being brought up are of course of the same nature (it's a bad habit I have and am working on eliminating).

 

Anyway, I quickly found out that when addressing past issues when they come up during an argument I quickly find myself in a minefield.

Depending on how I "remember" them; I risk sounding too defensive, accusing, justifying myself, dismissive, etc.

 

 

So I was curious; Is this something that you'd address as a couple?

Because every time you bring a past experience up--you change it a little bit and it gets reconsolidated back into memory a bit different. My worry is that since those things come up mostly during arguments; over time it'd make past issues seem worse than they were.

 

Do you make an agreement not to bring the past up during arguments? How would you enforce that rule without seeming to want to change the subject?

 

Do you do maintenance on your relationship history? Bringing it up at times either lightheartedly to laugh at it, or to show improvement? (in the case it's a reoccurring misbehavior, as with my experience)

 

 

I could imagine it becoming a huge issue as time goes on. Am I overthinking this?

[Lorenza]

We talked everything out during the first month and don't bring the past up anymore, not even during arguments. Past experiences and relationships are completely irrelevant to what's happening now, but maybe we're lucky cause we're very different from the people we both used to date. So there's not much to compare.

 

Generally speaking, nobody should ever be plagued by their partner's negative experiences. If you can't realize that a new person needs a fresh new page in your book, you need to be alone for a while.

[ExpatInItaly]

Can you give an example of what type of past experiences are coming up?

[adarna]

I'm assuming you mean past issues within the current relationship, not past relationships.

 

My/our policy is to not bring things up again -- especially not for the purpose of guilt tripping -- UNLESS it is the same recurring issue. I'm not sure if that makes past events worse than they are when they get brought up again, but you also have to realize that those your partner likely still brings it up because 1) it was that bad and 2) it is happening again as though nothing was resolved. If it weren't happening again there's no reason to rehash everything.

Edited March 10, 2016 by adarna

[Satu]

What do you argue about?

[Redhead14]

Hey everyone.

 

I'm in a first-time relationship (with a partner who also never dated for long). We've been together for about 70 days, and I've started experiencing the notorious "guilt trip"-- when during a problem discussion past issues get brought up.

 

I just wanna be clear it's completely my fault-- the issue in question is my not listening/disregarding his choices, and the past situations being brought up are of course of the same nature (it's a bad habit I have and am working on eliminating).

 

Anyway, I quickly found out that when addressing past issues when they come up during an argument I quickly find myself in a minefield.

Depending on how I "remember" them; I risk sounding too defensive, accusing, justifying myself, dismissive, etc.

 

 

So I was curious; Is this something that you'd address as a couple?

Because every time you bring a past experience up--you change it a little bit and it gets reconsolidated back into memory a bit different. My worry is that since those things come up mostly during arguments; over time it'd make past issues seem worse than they were.

 

Do you make an agreement not to bring the past up during arguments? How would you enforce that rule without seeming to want to change the subject?

 

Do you do maintenance on your relationship history? Bringing it up at times either lightheartedly to laugh at it, or to show improvement? (in the case it's a reoccurring misbehavior, as with my experience)

 

 

I could imagine it becoming a huge issue as time goes on. Am I overthinking this?

 

AT 70 days of dating, you should not be having these kinds of "issues". Issues from the past 70 days??? Really? If you are having this much difficulty already, it's doomed to fail. Move on.

[Tomogaso]

We talked everything out during the first month and don't bring the past up anymore, not even during arguments. Past experiences and relationships are completely irrelevant to what's happening now, but maybe we're lucky cause we're very different from the people we both used to date. So there's not much to compare.

 

Generally speaking, nobody should ever be plagued by their partner's negative experiences. If you can't realize that a new person needs a fresh new page in your book, you need to be alone for a while.

 

It's not about the experiences in our past relationships (we didn't have any); it's about stuff that happened since we're together, but I get your point.

 

What do you argue about?

Well most recently it was a very minor thing--I asked him whether he thought I should put garlic in the dinner I was making (which was more me thinking out loud than anything), I ended up putting it in and brought it up in a "gotcha" kind of way when he said he loved the meal...this went down the "you don't respect my choices/opinions" road pretty much immediately.

Would have blown over in a minute if I didn't get super defensive and went with "but I was right" instead of "sorry" off the bat.

 

AT 70 days of dating, you should not be having these kinds of "issues". Issues from the past 70 days??? Really? If you are having this much difficulty already, it's doomed to fail. Move on.

Why? You're saying it's totally unreasonable for someone to mess up during the start of their first relationship? Honestly it sounds like you're talking out of your a*s.

Edited March 11, 2016 by Tomogaso