kztar Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 So here it is. Im looking for some opinions on this topic because im very curious to see what others think. I believe that falling in love and staying in love are both a choice, however liking someone is not. So here it goes, when you like someone you have that feeling that you want them, you like them, want to hang out and do XYZ. When it comes to falling in love it's basically choosing to open your heart to this person. Allowing this person much deeper into your life and this is when it becomes a choice. Some people open up for different reasons such as they feel that this is the right person to open up to, they assume this person is the "one" and many other reasons. It's liking someone and choosing to act on it. You can like someone, yet choose to not pursue anything further and not allow them to open up. Staying in Love is also a choice. After you've met this person deeper you make the choice to stay in love with them and walk away. It's much more of a commitment than an actual feeling yet is a combination of both. It's all about work and effort to actually maintain love and that basically comes down to commitment from both parties. Here are some personal life examples. 1)Dated this guy in HS and fell in love with him. Honestly back then I did love him but I didn't know the real definition of love. I just really really liked him but never thought about the actual love. I just liked him so much and I opened up without any restrictions. 2) Dated this guy in college who I was much more carefully opening up but by this time I made a choice. I liked him enough to think he was worth allowing in my heart. 3)Dated this guy for two years, I liked him but not enough to open up to him in that way. I never cared to really commit myself to loving this person and allowing them to get that deep in my heart. Great guy but just not someone I choose to love. 4)Dated this last guy who broke my heart because he "fell out of love with me". When I met him, I had no interest in him, he pursued me till the end of the world until I became interested. I liked him and I then I made the choice of allowing him into my heart thinking that because he was pursuing me so hard, because he was looking for the same things I was. Note that on all these cases as an adult, Ive made the choice to "fall in love" with these individuals rather than it just happening like some people believe. It's no magic, it doesn't just happen. Anyway. What is your opinion?
mikeylo Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Falling in love , staying in love are Not a choice. Liking is also not a choice. You can't choose who you fall far ! Being able to open your innermost feelings , emotions and letting the other person in , is somewhat a choice but when you are crazy in love , your heart does open up. When I fell in love with my wife , I was fearful of opening up my feelings for fear of judgment ( because of my past )but once I got to know her, I opened up and felt so at ease. She shared her issues. It was mutual exchange of feelings which rather brought us close. It was this closeness that kept us in love. Well, part of it is a choice because we clicked and fulfilled each other. It wasn't fixing something that wasn't fixable !
smudge21 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 I would never say falling in love is a choice. You can chose who you spend your time with, chose who you want to get close to and pursue as a relationship, but actually falling in love with that person... well, that's not something you turn on or off. It just happens. For some it can happen instantly, for others it can grow over time. I've fallen for the wrong people many times. I've known they were wrong, seen the red flags, yet made a choice to stay in contact and that has developed into feelings. Definitely not a choice I made, but it was a choice to remain in a bad situation that led to it. 1
diddy Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 i think when it comes to matters of love & liking,it gets complicated then you become confused,atleast i do:D 1
OneLov Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I believe all those emotional states are a byproduct of our choices. Finding someone attractive, is not a choice. However, continuing to engage in actions that may result in those emotional states. As much as I hate comparing love to feelings that occur due to an addiction (because IME there are very few similarities), I believe this analogy may be relevant. You choose to smoke a for the first cigarette. The first time you take a hit, you probably felt like you coughed out a lung. But you continued to take uncomfortable drags and still were not addicted. You continued to smoke and after awhile feel symptoms of physical addictions when you are not getting enough nicotine. You're now addicted. Feelings of withdrawal are involuntary; you cannot choose to become addicted. However, you made several independent choices to engage in behavior that will put you at a high risk of addiction. So if you find yourself physically attracted to someone, you can either choose to act in ways that will increase interaction with that person or choose actions that will decrease your interaction. By choosing the former, you will put yourself at high risk for experiencing those above described emotional states.
deckard11 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 "Love" isn't real. What you're feeling is a need for dependence on someone else.
mikeylo Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 "Love" isn't real. What you're feeling is a need for dependence on someone else. I'm sorry that you haven't felt love. When you will , it will hit you like tons of bricks and your negative feelings will go away. I wish the best to you.
Lady2163 Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 Whew. Tough question. For the most part we choose who and how we spend time with someone, as we get older. But, proximity such as work and/or school may give us an opportunity to be in close proximity to someone and be around them in many settings. How do they conduct themselves with others? You're at a crowded party. Across the room you see someone for the first time who is just your ideal appearance wise. Maybe your heart beats a bit faster. He/she sees you, maybe smiles. You choose to walk across the room to meet that person. You choose to get to know them better.
central Posted March 14, 2016 Posted March 14, 2016 I think you can fall in love - it just happens. However, if you notice it happening, or once it has happened, it is a choice to allow it to continue. And it is possible to just fall out of love as well - or it can be a choice when it is necessary to do so, although it can take time and be difficult, depending on the situation. However, I do NOT think you can choose to fall in love and have that work, unless you are already predisposed to do so with that person. Our conscious, rational minds can override our emotional responses.
Almond_Joy Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 So here it is. Im looking for some opinions on this topic because im very curious to see what others think. I believe that falling in love and staying in love are both a choice, however liking someone is not. So here it goes, when you like someone you have that feeling that you want them, you like them, want to hang out and do XYZ. When it comes to falling in love it's basically choosing to open your heart to this person. Allowing this person much deeper into your life and this is when it becomes a choice. Some people open up for different reasons such as they feel that this is the right person to open up to, they assume this person is the "one" and many other reasons. It's liking someone and choosing to act on it. You can like someone, yet choose to not pursue anything further and not allow them to open up. Staying in Love is also a choice. After you've met this person deeper you make the choice to stay in love with them and walk away. It's much more of a commitment than an actual feeling yet is a combination of both. It's all about work and effort to actually maintain love and that basically comes down to commitment from both parties. Interesting. I think, like many, falling in love ultimately is not a choice. You can choose not to open yourself up to someone, and of course that hinders the possibility of love developing. But I think of it like a quote by Henry Beecher: "There are people so radiant, so genial, so kind, so pleasure-bearing, that you instinctively feel in their presence that they do you good; whose coming into a room is like bringing a lamp there." To me, that's what it is to fall in love with a person. Some people are just amazing, wonderful beings, and their presence lights up your life whether you want them to or not. I know the first time I fell in love I was not looking for it and was not welcoming of it. But as another poster said it hit me like a ton of bricks. Staying in love, though, is definitely a choice. I honestly think people weren't mean't to live in individual units like most first world countries do. Just a husband and wife and their kids drive each other crazy. All slights get magnified, everything can become personal, you lose exposure to different personalities on a frequent basis. All that erodes the feeling of loving an individual person. So in this day and age, the way our culture is set up, you do have to make a conscious effort to cherish and appreciate the person you're with. Here are some personal life examples. 1)Dated this guy in HS and fell in love with him. Honestly back then I did love him but I didn't know the real definition of love. I just really really liked him but never thought about the actual love. I just liked him so much and I opened up without any restrictions. I think this is also interesting. My experience of love has been different with every man. I attribute that to my life experience at that point. But I still count each experience as love. 1
thecrucible Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 I think falling in love is partly based on hormones and sexual attraction towards another but that doesn't mean it isn't real. At first, I don't think you feel romantic feelings towards everyone and it's partly based on biology so that sways your decision-making. Then there is the delightful part of them being new and you getting to know them and finding it exciting. But I think when the novelty wears off, you still feel love in your heart for that person but you make a choice to put work into that relationship and in doing romantic things to keep the spark going and to build your relationship through life's stages.
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