Roseanne Barlow Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Hi, years ago I had a sexual relationship with a man at work (about 25 years ago). It was a very demeaning kind of relationship which caused me a lot of pain and in the end I had to resign. During the course of our brief relationship he moved from being my supervisor to my boss, a rather awkward situation. Anyway, I had a good send off from everyone on the day I left, and stupidly made arrangements to see this guy again on the Saturday night. He stood me up and took the phone off the hook so I couldn't ring him. Because he was my boss, and I didn't want him to damage my future prospects of employment, I didn't send him the angry letter I wanted to send, also due to pride too - not wanting to seem to care too much. I hadn't really thought about him for years but recently I got to recalling that night he stood me up and how he got away with it without me calling him out on it. So l looked him up on Facebook, joined just to send him a message. I basically told him about how cowardly he was that night, he hadn't the guts to face me, I regretted every minute I spent with him, men like him were all too common, and women were fools to get involved. I told him I wouldn't message him again and would delete my account. It was scheduled for deletion, but I cancelled it because I wanted to see if there would be any activity. I was stunned to find a friend request from him today. In fact, two requests one after the other in my Hotmail account and one on my Facebook page. I can't understand this - why would he want to be friends after a message like that? I know it seems weird that I would message him after so many years but it feels good to have finally said something about the way he treated me that night. But I was wondering if it could be some glitch in the system that sent a friend request from him - I've seen on the Net how that happens to many people. I'm not familiar with Facebook at all, and my account is pending for deletion again. I've ignored this request, as I want nothing to do with this man. But it just seems so strange - maybe he thinks I'll have sex with him again, as I was so desperate for attention in the past?
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Who cares? Just decline the friend request & move on with your life. He probably sent the request because for you to have sought him out and wrote him that message after all these years that action told him there is still something there. Anger is really the other side of love / lust. The opposite of love is indifference. If you were truly over him you'd barely remember his name at this point. Certainly a quarter century later you would not still be hanging on to whatever you felt compelled to say. 6
mikeylo Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 After 25 years ? A demeaning relationship? What more needs to be said ?
Toodaloo Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Erm... Why did you even do that? It was 25 years ago. He stood you up! Its over. Accept it and move on. Do not accept the requests delete the facebook account, preferably your hotmail account too and never ever do something so foolish again. Congratulations you had the last word now get on with life. 6
serial muse Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Well, I'd guess that if he's the type of guy that enjoys demeaning people and the jolt of power it gives him, then yes, he's hoping you'll accept his friend request and he can finagle this into some sort of sexual relationship (even if just online) so that he can get his fix. Could also be a glitch, I guess. Either way, time to turn your back on that chapter and shake the dust from your feet. 3
O'Malley Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 The best thing you can do is seek your own closure. Accept that the relationship was a part of your life but that it didn't (and shouldn't) define it. Focus on the things that bring you happiness now. What positive thing would happen to your life by getting back into contact with him again? Nothing you can say to each other is going to fix the past or cause him to regret how he behaved over two decades ago. He's not nor would he ever be a successful part of your healing and moving on from these feelings.
jen1447 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Well, I'd guess that if he's the type of guy that enjoys demeaning people and the jolt of power it gives him, then yes, he's hoping you'll accept his friend request and he can finagle this into some sort of sexual relationship (even if just online) so that he can get his fix. Could also be a glitch, I guess. Either way, time to turn your back on that chapter and shake the dust from your feet. Or it could just be a ruse to reject you again. 1
serial muse Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Or it could just be a ruse to reject you again. Yep, that too.
Author Roseanne Barlow Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 Hi folks, thanks for the replies. I agree it must look like a foolish thing to have done. Yet, I actually don't regret it. I needed to tell him what I thought of him, to have that last word. I don't think for a minute that he wants to apologise - he's not that sort of man. Yes, the request from him could definitely be a ruse to either reject me again or get sex from me again, or even to get back at me for sending him a message like that. I don't have any feelings for him, just about the horrible relationship I got into and the way it ended. I haven't had a good track record with relationships but there's no way I'd ever go near a man like him again. I know enough now to spot a bad bet. My Facebook account will be deleted soon and that will be that. Odd as it may seem, I feel this has been helpful for me. I don't really care what it looks like to him - that I may still have feelings for him and could be manipulated again into giving him what he wants. He can think what he likes. I feel that at last I've had my say, told him he was a coward and gutless and that I should've told him to get lost from the beginning and that I regretted ever spending a second with him. I couldn't do it years ago and now at last I have and I can forget it now. Strange as it may seem, it's been good for me to do that. 1
jen1447 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Not strange at all, and as long as your resolve is strong I think you'll be perfectly fine. Just don't get curious about "why"-anything with him.
thefooloftheyear Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Or it could just be a ruse to reject you again. Yeah....she slammed him out of the blue, after all that time, so he probably did it as a passive aggressive type of thing maybe to twist her knobs... 25 years ago?? Let it die... TFY
preraph Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Because he demeaned you and now he thinks you've come back for more. Don't give it to him. Block him, deny him, whatever. You got it off your chest. Now don't make that mistake again.
d0nnivain Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 If it was helpful, cleaning & therapeutic for you to finally have the last word after a quarter century, great. What happens next should be irrelevant. So block him & move on. If you can't yet shut the door on this chapter of your life, something is really wrong with you not him. 1
Miss Peach Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I would have written that to get my feeling out but not sent it. Since it's done my thought is he probably thought you contacting him meant the door was open. Many men see any attention from a woman as a sign of interest. I would just continue with NC now.
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