Thinking about breaking up with girlfriend

[HockeyPlayer19]

Long background story

 

I knew her from going to school with her back in the day. The first time we hungout was the end of October right before Halloween, we watched a hockey game, had some drinks, and ended up having sex the first night. She told me she never does that (lol) and I told her I wasn’t looking for anything serious right now

 

We started hanging out more and I realized that she’s actually an awesome girl and a genuinely nice caring person. We both really liked each other and we started spending every weekend together, seeing each other 3-4 days a week and getting more serious

 

I have a useless degree so I’ve been job searching without much luck and I don’t have my career figured out yet, I’m thinking about going to grad school now. The fact I don’t have a job/career figured out yet is a big deal to her because we’re both 29 and she really wants to get married and have kids soon, however she said that there were so many good things about me and I’m the best guy she’s dated so she would be willing to wait for me while I figure things out and get my chit together

 

After dating for a while she tells me that she was actually married for a couple years and she got divorced just over a year ago (end of 2014) I also find out that she’s dated 4 guys since then including me (short relationships that only lasted a few months) finding out this information really bothers me for some reason and seems like a red flag. She says she was looking for something meaningful with all of them but it just didn’t work out, to me it seemed kind of slutty

 

There was one time at the end of December when we were getting ready to go out and she was like “Hey babe can you grab my phone and text my friend that we’re running late” so I did. Then I saw on her recent texts some guy texted her “come over tonight?” I show her and I’m like what the *** is this all about… she tells me it’s one of the guys she dated in the past year, she said he gets drunk and texts her sometimes trying to get her to come over. She said that he’s an idiot and I have nothing to worry about. I brush it off and don’t make too big of a deal about it but it really bothered me that he would just send “come over tonight” out of the blue, makes it seem like they hooked up recently or something. He ended up texting her a few days later apologizing saying sorry I was drunk, and my gf responded “It’s ok I figured you were” I didn’t really like how she handled it

 

We became “Facebook official” in a relationship early January. Everything was awesome, we’re hanging out all the time, going out, having fun, the sex is great, we’re talking about the future and stuff

 

I had knee surgery at the end of January and had to be in crutches for a month. My girlfriend wanted me to stay at her place so that she could take care of me and see me all the time. She spoiled me and did everything for me, brought me food, wouldn’t let me get up to get anything, constantly was getting me ice packs for my knee, took me to my physical therapy appointments, it was nice

 

Sometimes I would still get bothered about that guy texting her and we got into a few arguments about it. I told her to delete him of out of her phone and facebook, she wouldn’t do that because her best friend set her up with that guy and he’s still in that social circle so she said she doesn’t want to make things awkward when she runs into him, which I thought was bullchit

 

One day in early February I’m sitting around still recovering from knee surgery and my girlfriend left her phone sitting around. Curiosity got the best of me and decide to look through her texts because I didn’t like how she handled the whole situation with that guy texting her

 

I remember her telling me that she met up for drinks with some guy around the same time we started hanging out but that she was thinking of me the whole time and it was a sign that she wasn’t that into him. I jokingly gave her chit about it at the time but didn’t think much of it

 

I scroll back to November and I see that she was sexting that guy that she "just met up for drinks" and was sending him nude pics. Like literally she sent him all the exact same pictures that she was sending me at the same time, nudes, selfies and chit during the day, same conversations, etc. It looks like she stopped to talking to him around the middle of November when we were starting to get more serious because he texted her a few times saying things like hey you disappeared, we should catch up sometime, and my GF never responded

 

I confronted her about the texts and tried to leave her place because I was so angry and hurt (as well as I could limping around on crutches) Somehow she convinced me to stay and talk about stuff but she completely flipped the script on me and made me the bad guy for going through her phone and how that’s such a huge violation of trust and how could I do that to her

 

Basically since I went through her phone in early February things have gone to chit. Every week we’ve gotten into a big fight about it, it’s always me starting the fight after I had a few drinks and I lose my temper and have no more emotional control, then my GF has to try and calm me down. A few weeks ago we got into a really bad fight and I tried to leave after I had been drinking, luckily my car was blocked in the driveway so I couldn’t go anywhere

 

My GF has been saying for a while that she thinks I need to see a therapist because I have trust issues and didn’t have a good relationship with my mom… I also have really ***ed up views towards women and relationships. I signed up to see a therapist the day after we got into a bad fight a few weeks ago. I told my GF I want to get better and I want to get past this and still want a future with her, she said she wants this to work too but things need to change

 

I’ve been making a lot of effort to try and save the relationship recently and show my GF that I’m serious about wanting a future with her, been seeing a therapist, been nice to her, been trying really hard at job searching and meeting with the admissions department at schools to apply to their programs

 

However she has been so cold and distant towards me for the past 3 weeks I don’t think I can take it anymore. She still calls me every day and we say “love you” at the end of the conversation but I feel like it’s just out of habit and we just have short boring conversations now like what are you up to, what are you doing later, blah blah, K bye. She doesn’t text me much anymore and when she does it’s just short and to the point. She’s just not sweet and affectionate like she used to be. We used to have sex every day and we’ve banged a couple times in the last few weeks. One time because she was drunk and other time she was barely into it, I don’t even want to *** her anymore if she’s going to be like that

 

She keeps saying she doesn’t know about us and she needs time to think about everything. Last week I didn’t see her Mon-Fri (which is a long time for us) and when finally I saw her on Friday she said that she was happy to see me but it’s not like she was really excited or looking forward to it and she thought the time apart would make her miss me more. She said that we can try to hangout and be “normal” for the next couple weeks and see how things go but she can’t pretend like she is happy right now

 

I was willing to try and get past the whole thing about her sending nude pics to that guy. Her point of view is that it was when we first started dating, we didn’t have any kind of title yet, and I said I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I get that but to me it’s also a sign of her character that she would be sending nude pics to a guy she just met. She claims she never had sex with him, but I’m not sure if I believe that

 

She said everything was going really good in our relationship at the time when I looked through her phone and she doesn’t understand why I would go back several months back in her texts to find something I didn’t like. She says people don’t go looking through each other’s phones when things are good in a relationship. Honestly I never even thought about going through her phone the first few months we were dating until I saw some red flags I was concerned about which caused me to do it

 

Every time we try to have a serious talk about our relationship now she brings up the fact I went through her phone. I get that it was a chitty thing to do and I shouldn’t have done it but ****ing get over it, she makes it seem like going through her phone is the worst thing a guy has ever done to her, it’s not like I cheated on her or hit her. I feel like if she really wanted to be with me she would get past it just like I was willing to get past her texting pics to that guy

 

She keeps saying she needs “time to think” and she’s still not sure about us. It’s been several weeks of her being really cold and distant towards me, I’ve been making an effort to try and make this relationship work and she’s giving me nothing. I’m at the point now where I’m sick of showing her affection and trying to be nice when she keeps acting this way. I feel like she’s already mentally checked out of the relationship and she either is trying to push me away so that I break up with her and she doesn’t look like the bad guy or she is talking to other guys to have a replacement lined up

 

It hurts because we had a really good relationship up until I looked through her phone, we had a lot in common, a lot of good memories, she did a lot of nice, thoughtful things for me, she’s hot, and we had a great sex life. Part of me feels like I ****ed up a good thing by going through her phone, part of me feels like maybe it saved me from investing more time and emotions into a girl who’s really just a slut

 

I’m just really torn right now. I was all down and chit the past couple weeks about the possibility of us being done but now I’m getting to the point where I’m just pissed off and fed up with how she’s acting towards me

 

What do you guys think I should do... pull back and start being cold and distant too and see if that makes her change her behavior? Or has there been too much damage that the relationship is beyond saving and I should just end it

[kztar]

Long background story

 

I knew her from going to school with her back in the day. The first time we hungout was the end of October right before Halloween, we watched a hockey game, had some drinks, and ended up having sex the first night. She told me she never does that (lol) and I told her I wasn’t looking for anything serious right now

 

We started hanging out more and I realized that she’s actually an awesome girl and a genuinely nice caring person. We both really liked each other and we started spending every weekend together, seeing each other 3-4 days a week and getting more serious

 

I have a useless degree so I’ve been job searching without much luck and I don’t have my career figured out yet, I’m thinking about going to grad school now. The fact I don’t have a job/career figured out yet is a big deal to her because we’re both 29 and she really wants to get married and have kids soon, however she said that there were so many good things about me and I’m the best guy she’s dated so she would be willing to wait for me while I figure things out and get my chit together

 

After dating for a while she tells me that she was actually married for a couple years and she got divorced just over a year ago (end of 2014) I also find out that she’s dated 4 guys since then including me (short relationships that only lasted a few months) finding out this information really bothers me for some reason and seems like a red flag. She says she was looking for something meaningful with all of them but it just didn’t work out, to me it seemed kind of slutty

 

There was one time at the end of December when we were getting ready to go out and she was like “Hey babe can you grab my phone and text my friend that we’re running late” so I did. Then I saw on her recent texts some guy texted her “come over tonight?” I show her and I’m like what the *** is this all about… she tells me it’s one of the guys she dated in the past year, she said he gets drunk and texts her sometimes trying to get her to come over. She said that he’s an idiot and I have nothing to worry about. I brush it off and don’t make too big of a deal about it but it really bothered me that he would just send “come over tonight” out of the blue, makes it seem like they hooked up recently or something. He ended up texting her a few days later apologizing saying sorry I was drunk, and my gf responded “It’s ok I figured you were” I didn’t really like how she handled it

 

We became “Facebook official” in a relationship early January. Everything was awesome, we’re hanging out all the time, going out, having fun, the sex is great, we’re talking about the future and stuff

 

I had knee surgery at the end of January and had to be in crutches for a month. My girlfriend wanted me to stay at her place so that she could take care of me and see me all the time. She spoiled me and did everything for me, brought me food, wouldn’t let me get up to get anything, constantly was getting me ice packs for my knee, took me to my physical therapy appointments, it was nice

 

Sometimes I would still get bothered about that guy texting her and we got into a few arguments about it. I told her to delete him of out of her phone and facebook, she wouldn’t do that because her best friend set her up with that guy and he’s still in that social circle so she said she doesn’t want to make things awkward when she runs into him, which I thought was bullchit

 

One day in early February I’m sitting around still recovering from knee surgery and my girlfriend left her phone sitting around. Curiosity got the best of me and decide to look through her texts because I didn’t like how she handled the whole situation with that guy texting her

 

I remember her telling me that she met up for drinks with some guy around the same time we started hanging out but that she was thinking of me the whole time and it was a sign that she wasn’t that into him. I jokingly gave her chit about it at the time but didn’t think much of it

 

I scroll back to November and I see that she was sexting that guy that she "just met up for drinks" and was sending him nude pics. Like literally she sent him all the exact same pictures that she was sending me at the same time, nudes, selfies and chit during the day, same conversations, etc. It looks like she stopped to talking to him around the middle of November when we were starting to get more serious because he texted her a few times saying things like hey you disappeared, we should catch up sometime, and my GF never responded

 

I confronted her about the texts and tried to leave her place because I was so angry and hurt (as well as I could limping around on crutches) Somehow she convinced me to stay and talk about stuff but she completely flipped the script on me and made me the bad guy for going through her phone and how that’s such a huge violation of trust and how could I do that to her

 

Basically since I went through her phone in early February things have gone to chit. Every week we’ve gotten into a big fight about it, it’s always me starting the fight after I had a few drinks and I lose my temper and have no more emotional control, then my GF has to try and calm me down. A few weeks ago we got into a really bad fight and I tried to leave after I had been drinking, luckily my car was blocked in the driveway so I couldn’t go anywhere

 

My GF has been saying for a while that she thinks I need to see a therapist because I have trust issues and didn’t have a good relationship with my mom… I also have really ***ed up views towards women and relationships. I signed up to see a therapist the day after we got into a bad fight a few weeks ago. I told my GF I want to get better and I want to get past this and still want a future with her, she said she wants this to work too but things need to change

 

I’ve been making a lot of effort to try and save the relationship recently and show my GF that I’m serious about wanting a future with her, been seeing a therapist, been nice to her, been trying really hard at job searching and meeting with the admissions department at schools to apply to their programs

 

However she has been so cold and distant towards me for the past 3 weeks I don’t think I can take it anymore. She still calls me every day and we say “love you” at the end of the conversation but I feel like it’s just out of habit and we just have short boring conversations now like what are you up to, what are you doing later, blah blah, K bye. She doesn’t text me much anymore and when she does it’s just short and to the point. She’s just not sweet and affectionate like she used to be. We used to have sex every day and we’ve banged a couple times in the last few weeks. One time because she was drunk and other time she was barely into it, I don’t even want to *** her anymore if she’s going to be like that

 

She keeps saying she doesn’t know about us and she needs time to think about everything. Last week I didn’t see her Mon-Fri (which is a long time for us) and when finally I saw her on Friday she said that she was happy to see me but it’s not like she was really excited or looking forward to it and she thought the time apart would make her miss me more. She said that we can try to hangout and be “normal” for the next couple weeks and see how things go but she can’t pretend like she is happy right now

 

I was willing to try and get past the whole thing about her sending nude pics to that guy. Her point of view is that it was when we first started dating, we didn’t have any kind of title yet, and I said I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I get that but to me it’s also a sign of her character that she would be sending nude pics to a guy she just met. She claims she never had sex with him, but I’m not sure if I believe that

 

She said everything was going really good in our relationship at the time when I looked through her phone and she doesn’t understand why I would go back several months back in her texts to find something I didn’t like. She says people don’t go looking through each other’s phones when things are good in a relationship. Honestly I never even thought about going through her phone the first few months we were dating until I saw some red flags I was concerned about which caused me to do it

 

Every time we try to have a serious talk about our relationship now she brings up the fact I went through her phone. I get that it was a chitty thing to do and I shouldn’t have done it but ****ing get over it, she makes it seem like going through her phone is the worst thing a guy has ever done to her, it’s not like I cheated on her or hit her. I feel like if she really wanted to be with me she would get past it just like I was willing to get past her texting pics to that guy

 

She keeps saying she needs “time to think” and she’s still not sure about us. It’s been several weeks of her being really cold and distant towards me, I’ve been making an effort to try and make this relationship work and she’s giving me nothing. I’m at the point now where I’m sick of showing her affection and trying to be nice when she keeps acting this way. I feel like she’s already mentally checked out of the relationship and she either is trying to push me away so that I break up with her and she doesn’t look like the bad guy or she is talking to other guys to have a replacement lined up

 

It hurts because we had a really good relationship up until I looked through her phone, we had a lot in common, a lot of good memories, she did a lot of nice, thoughtful things for me, she’s hot, and we had a great sex life. Part of me feels like I ****ed up a good thing by going through her phone, part of me feels like maybe it saved me from investing more time and emotions into a girl who’s really just a slut

 

I’m just really torn right now. I was all down and chit the past couple weeks about the possibility of us being done but now I’m getting to the point where I’m just pissed off and fed up with how she’s acting towards me

 

What do you guys think I should do... pull back and start being cold and distant too and see if that makes her change her behavior? Or has there been too much damage that the relationship is beyond saving and I should just end it

 

Brother. RED flags everywhere. This is something that she should have deleted when you guys made it official. This is too early in the relationship for all these issues. I say walk away before you emotionally invest too much.

[mightycpa]

Dude, you are a serious piece of work!

 

So, you're seeing this girl, you're not "Facebook official" which clearly means that you have no exclusive drilling rights on this fine piece of property and she knows it. Whether or not she took advantage of that, who knows? Who cares?

 

You do, I guess. I'm not sure how you define slut. Dating two guys and banging both of them in the same week? Same day? Same time? Anyway, my point is that it is never good if a guy thinks his girl is a slut AND he doesn't want to date a slut. So that is one vote for getting rid of said slut.

 

Second, you invade her privacy. I'm a little torn about this, because clearly, an unsecured phone left lying around is almost like a diary being left lying around unlocked. Yes, it is snooping to look at it, but there can be no expectation of privacy when you leave your **** lying around for anybody in the world to see. But I guess it doesn't matter what I think, amirite? She doesn't seem to like you so much after that. So that is another vote for getting rid of loose lips.

 

Finally, she's being cold, telling you that you need to change (Therapy! She should love your ****ed up ass just the way you are!), and for a slut, she's not really putting out very much, is she? At least, not to you. I think these things are also a vote for letting her go.

 

So, the way I see it, it is 3-0 in favor of you throwing this one back in the ocean.

[Ara-bella]

You obviously don't respect her.

 

I'm not sure how you can call her a slut for dating and looking for meaning in prior relationships. I'm also not sure why after a month of her spoiling and taking care of you (very loving gestures) you decide to go and look through her phone and beat her up about it. I would understand if the exchange of nudes was currently going on- however none of this was taking place during your relationship. It's as if you were finding a reason to get mad at her/start drama or validate your notion of her being a "slut" which is wrong.

 

Every time we try to have a serious talk about our relationship now she brings up the fact I went through her phone. I get that it was a chitty thing to do and I shouldn’t have done it but ****ing get over it, she makes it seem like going through her phone is the worst thing a guy has ever done to her, it’s not like I cheated on her or hit her. I feel like if she really wanted to be with me she would get past it just like I was willing to get past her texting pics to that guy

 

Seriously? Looking through her phone and starting a fight while she was an amazing girlfriend to you is a form of betrayal in my eyes - it does not equal something that she's done BEFORE you guys were official.

And by you saying "f-ing get over it"- shows you aren't very sensitive to her feelings and you're not even sorry, you're simply downplaying it by saying there's worse things men have done.

 

Honestly I really feel for her. I'd feel terrible if I spent a month caring for my boyfriend and he in return showed he didn't trust me. Let her go, go to therapy for your skewed views toward women, and hope your next relationship is one you can fully trust in and respect.

Edited March 10, 2016 by Ara-bella

[Orion39]

It seems you both may have done some wrongs here. Her in overreacting and (at least for me) a bit too willing to send nudes to whomever. Going through her phone I can understand why, but it is still an invasion of her privacy and show a lack of trust. It may help to step up and apologize for what you did and see if she would be willing to work it out/talk it out and rebuild that trust. Relationships are never easy and always take some work, more so whenever that trust is broken. Hope things start to improve.