He says we're platonic best friends, but yet...

[unsure_girl]

So I met someone and we hit it off really well. We have know each other for close to half a year now. At the start, we got close very fast. We found ourselves to be incredibly similar in views of life, interests, and interaction styles.

 

For the first few months, we spent all our time together, meeting practically every other day. In these months, we shared a lot of moments together that can be described as romantic. Staying up till late at night talking, calling each other for hours, chatting every moment of the day. We also spent the major festivals (christmas, new year's) together. He would often say things to me that hinted at romance: such as saying that sometimes he'd catch my eye and be suddenly hit by my beauty, or that he feels like he is seeing a woman for the first time when he looks at me.

 

We would talk each other to sleep every night, and would say the sweetest things to each other. It was basically everything a couple would be doing while dating without explicitly labelling it as so. We have not done anything overtly romantic: hugging, some flirtatious touching, but nothing more than that.

 

Naturally, I also found myself attracted to him over time, because he has a wonderful personality and is such a great person. As much as he did, I hinted at having a physical and emotional attraction to him. Here's the complicated part... because both of us were quite fresh out of a relationship, I thought we shouldn't progress so quickly. So we called acknowledged each other as best friends.

 

Then, a few months in, he suddenly became more distant with me in a romantic sense. He no longer said sweet, coupley things to me. When we met, he seemed to be more averse to physical touch, and stopped seeming so charmed by everything I did (as he used to). At first, I thought it was just some strange awkwardness. We continued to talk and meet at the same frequency. But it continued. He was still as nice to me, but only as a close friend.

 

Some context: right before the time he started growing distant, I mentioned to him that I told a mutual friend (who was worried we were rebounding with each other) we were platonic. At that time I wished to keep it at that, but definitely not forever. So I suspected he was reacting to this information and therefore drawing away from me.

 

It continued for a couple of months before I confronted him.

 

He explained that he had never saw me in the romantic way, and doesn't know why. He just didn't have the feeling. And he realized that he might be misleading in his words and actions initially, but all he wanted was to be nice and keep me as a friend. So when he realized that, he decided to set boundaries and keep the friendship platonic.

 

It might seem as if he is trying to protect his own ego because he believes that I don't like him in that way... but that isn't true. Throughout the weeks leading up to the confrontation, I have hinted heavily that I have feelings for him. It's unlikely he is lying to protect his ego in case I didn't like him. Furthermore, I know he has confessed to girls whom he knew didn't like him back previously.

 

While I really wish to believe and accept what he has claimed, I found some things so difficult to understand. The biggest question is, how could everything he said and did before really be just him being 'platonic' and accidentally being 'too nice' that it seemed romantic? I sure wouldn't say and do such things to a platonic friend, no matter how close I feel to them. It seemed too romantic to me.

 

Is it possible that he has feelings for me, but is denying it, or does not even realize it himself?

 

After he made it clear that he had no feelings for me, my ego was slightly bruised. To know that I had assumed wrongly, and had spent so much time thinking about someone who doesn't think of me that way. And to also spare him from awkwardness, I told him that I was confused for awhile about whether I liked him, but decided at last that we wouldn't work out and that I loved him as a friend.

 

I really wish to feel the way I claimed to, because I love being just his friend too. But I find it so, so difficult to just accept that he did all that initially and it meant absolutely nothing to him. That he felt no attraction to me and never did. Can any men out there shed some light on what exactly went through his mind??

 

Currently, we are still in constant contact as friends. I am trying my best to just be happy by myself, and not invest too much emotionally in him. To be fair to both him and myself, I will keep up being a good friend unaffected by my own attraction to him. But to do so, I'd really love to have an honest account of what exactly he thought.

 

Please help me.

Edited March 10, 2016 by unsure_girl

[smudge21]

You have to take him on his word now. As much as you want this to be more, you are looking for signs and delving into the past trying to find things that are no longer there. Yes, he could be hiding his feelings or even feel that you pushed him away, but you've confronted him about it already and he's told you the way he is. There could be plenty of reasons as to why this is the case, maybe it went on too long and nothing happened (I've read there's a time limit for certain people) or maybe he met someone else who took his interest. The fact is, you don't know and trying to work it out will only hurt you more.

 

 

We can all have strong feelings for someone and then lose them over time. Sometimes when we meet someone that's often the strongest moment of feelings, whereas sometimes they build up over months. People simply just change. I myself had a close friend who I thought felt the same way, but recently she just vanished. No reason, just gone. It happens and you can really harm yourself if you spend ages trying to work out why. At least you questioned him and got an honest answer.

 

 

I think what you have to decide now is whether you truly can just be friends with him considering how strong your feelings are. Some on here may tell you to walk away, be honest with him, but I think you need to be honest with yourself first. The biggest question to ask someone who says they're okay being friends with someone they have feelings for is simply, can you handle that moment they tell you they've met someone else?

 

 

It sucks when things don't work out how we planned, hoped or dreamed they would, but you can never force someone to love you. All you can do now is stop focusing on the past and start thinking what's best for your future. If you want the friendship then accept it for what it is, but if you can't then maybe you need to step back, take a few weeks of no contact from him.

[elaine567]

YOU were both fresh out of a relationship - he, I guess, slotted you into the place his previous gf occupied, hence why you felt that there was more to this than just friendship. Together you did "coupley" things you acted like a couple, - you were his substitute gf (without the sex) and he was your substitute bf.

 

However he woke up and realised what he was doing and redefined the "friend" boundaries with you, leaving him free to pursue other people.

He doesn't see you as gf material, so "wasting time" with you is no benefit to him if long term he wants a real relationship, hence his introduction of "distance".

 

Being his "good friend" will stunt your ability to form other relationships as you are still in love with him.

YOU need to wean yourself off him and start seriously dating other people.

[Erik30]

Basically what elaine567 said. It seems like you were his rebound, but without the kissing/sex part. At some point he realized wat he was doing, and probably thought it was wrong to mess with your feelings so he stopped.

Edited March 10, 2016 by Erik30

[Redhead14]

So I met someone and we hit it off really well. We have know each other for close to half a year now. At the start, we got close very fast. We found ourselves to be incredibly similar in views of life, interests, and interaction styles.

 

For the first few months, we spent all our time together, meeting practically every other day. In these months, we shared a lot of moments together that can be described as romantic. Staying up till late at night talking, calling each other for hours, chatting every moment of the day. We also spent the major festivals (christmas, new year's) together. He would often say things to me that hinted at romance: such as saying that sometimes he'd catch my eye and be suddenly hit by my beauty, or that he feels like he is seeing a woman for the first time when he looks at me.

 

We would talk each other to sleep every night, and would say the sweetest things to each other. It was basically everything a couple would be doing while dating without explicitly labelling it as so. We have not done anything overtly romantic: hugging, some flirtatious touching, but nothing more than that.

 

Naturally, I also found myself attracted to him over time, because he has a wonderful personality and is such a great person. As much as he did, I hinted at having a physical and emotional attraction to him. Here's the complicated part... because both of us were quite fresh out of a relationship, I thought we shouldn't progress so quickly. So we called acknowledged each other as best friends.

 

Then, a few months in, he suddenly became more distant with me in a romantic sense. He no longer said sweet, coupley things to me. When we met, he seemed to be more averse to physical touch, and stopped seeming so charmed by everything I did (as he used to). At first, I thought it was just some strange awkwardness. We continued to talk and meet at the same frequency. But it continued. He was still as nice to me, but only as a close friend.

 

Some context: right before the time he started growing distant, I mentioned to him that I told a mutual friend (who was worried we were rebounding with each other) we were platonic. At that time I wished to keep it at that, but definitely not forever. So I suspected he was reacting to this information and therefore drawing away from me.

 

It continued for a couple of months before I confronted him.

 

He explained that he had never saw me in the romantic way, and doesn't know why. He just didn't have the feeling. And he realized that he might be misleading in his words and actions initially, but all he wanted was to be nice and keep me as a friend. So when he realized that, he decided to set boundaries and keep the friendship platonic.

 

It might seem as if he is trying to protect his own ego because he believes that I don't like him in that way... but that isn't true. Throughout the weeks leading up to the confrontation, I have hinted heavily that I have feelings for him. It's unlikely he is lying to protect his ego in case I didn't like him. Furthermore, I know he has confessed to girls whom he knew didn't like him back previously.

 

While I really wish to believe and accept what he has claimed, I found some things so difficult to understand. The biggest question is, how could everything he said and did before really be just him being 'platonic' and accidentally being 'too nice' that it seemed romantic? I sure wouldn't say and do such things to a platonic friend, no matter how close I feel to them. It seemed too romantic to me.

 

Is it possible that he has feelings for me, but is denying it, or does not even realize it himself?

 

After he made it clear that he had no feelings for me, my ego was slightly bruised. To know that I had assumed wrongly, and had spent so much time thinking about someone who doesn't think of me that way. And to also spare him from awkwardness, I told him that I was confused for awhile about whether I liked him, but decided at last that we wouldn't work out and that I loved him as a friend.

 

I really wish to feel the way I claimed to, because I love being just his friend too. But I find it so, so difficult to just accept that he did all that initially and it meant absolutely nothing to him. That he felt no attraction to me and never did. Can any men out there shed some light on what exactly went through his mind??

 

Currently, we are still in constant contact as friends. I am trying my best to just be happy by myself, and not invest too much emotionally in him. To be fair to both him and myself, I will keep up being a good friend unaffected by my own attraction to him. But to do so, I'd really love to have an honest account of what exactly he thought.

 

Please help me.

 

Is it possible that he has feelings for me, but is denying it, or does not even realize it himself? -- this is what lots of women tell themselves to protect their own ego.

 

Believe what he's telling you. If you have stronger feelings for him, maintaining an arm's length relationship will be difficult for you. Don't stay "friends" with him hoping be will change his mind.

[d0nnivain]

There is really nothing I can add to what has been said. You have to believe what he is telling you about platonic friends only with no romantic interests. You two have been acting like a couple, minus the physical, which is preventing you both from finding real partners.

 

 

Keep him as a friend if you like but realize you are doing so at your own peril. Make sure you treat him as a friend. No more late night chats or couple-y things. See him only periodically & no deep mushy conversations. Meanwhile get yourself out there to find a romance.

[loveisanaction]

Is it possible that he has feelings for me, but is denying it, or does not even realize it himself? -- this is what lots of women tell themselves to protect their own ego.

 

Believe what he's telling you. If you have stronger feelings for him, maintaining an arm's length relationship will be difficult for you. Don't stay "friends" with him hoping be will change his mind.

 

I have to agree with the above comment. It's going to be hard staying friends with him when you're having feelings for him. If he's saying he doesn't have feelings for you in a romantic way i would believe him. Even if YOU believe he's pretending, believe him to protect your heart.

 

Your ego is bruised but you are doing the right thing keeping the friendship platonic.

 

I would take a few steps back from the friendship until your feelings for him have subsided some. Otherwise, you're going to drive yourself crazy wondering what he means when he says or does something.

[unsure_girl]

Hey, thanks to all of you who replied! I really appreciate all the great advice.

 

Reading through everything, I think you guys are all absolutely right. I need to stop looking in the past and just move on towards my own future.

 

It's gonna be hard, especially since I do still value him as a friend. But for my own sake, I will try my best!

 

Thanks again