katiegrl Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 Another update... Still seeing her (of course) I picked her up on the public holiday Monday, went to my place for a coffee and chat... Her daughter asked her to pick her up, but her son had the car...I was to drop her off and then she and her daughter were to use public transport...3 buses...on a public holiday. It wasn't far, about 10 minutes bt car, but not easy on public transport. I offered to drive them, and after some hesitation, she agreed..hesitated because it meant meeting her daughter...for the first time. So I did that, and dropped them off. In our long chat that night she again mentioned how she was growing closer to me, and reiterated her appreciation for my patience. She's coming over Wednesday night, driving herself to see me. I hope it all works out the way you hope it does Smoothman....whether it be a good friendship or more. Best of luck.
Jabron1 Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 (edited) I am her "good friend" Then you aren't dating her. You have gained a 'good friend'. I was delighted she told me that...not impatiently upset that I've been friend-zoned... I've gained a friend...that's more important to me... Cool. Then there ceases to be any problem, right? Be her friend, and get a different girlfriend. Edited March 15, 2016 by Jabron1 1
Author Smoothman Posted March 15, 2016 Author Posted March 15, 2016 Then you aren't dating her. You have gained a 'good friend'. Cool. Then there ceases to be any problem, right? Be her friend, and get a different girlfriend. No, I'm not desperate that I can't be single while I see what the next few months hold for us... 2
Rejected Rosebud Posted March 15, 2016 Posted March 15, 2016 (edited) [] Many men are capable of trying to help a person whether they are or aren't sexually attracted to that person. Also of caring for somebody even if they might not ever get in her pants. Or even acting chivalrous out of unrequited love and / or lust. without being goal oriented towards sex. That is all up to the OP. My only issue is if the OP is being manipulative and lying in wait til she seems "healed" enough to make a sexual move. I don't know if that's the case because a person might not even be honest with himself about that. It would be very detrimental, because she is probably building some trust based specifically on the idea that a man can be interested in her, care about her, want to help her, WITHOUT being "paid back" by sex. If you ever make a "normal" sexual move towards her, OP, I'm afraid that it will be perceived negatively by her. IMO it's likely that ever having a sexual relationship with this particular woman is probably not a good idea. Especially if it is not 100% initiated by her. So if you care and like her enough to do everything you are to help her without thinking about it leading to a sexual relationship, that is lovely. Please don't get resentful if you just remain in the role of her friend and helpful person. You seem like a good guy. Edited March 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator redacted response to deleted post ~6 1
mcjordan Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 Smoothman, you really should change your name to "oneofthelastmenwithcharacter." But that would be really long. Don't let anybody every suck you into the multi-bed, jaded, women are disposable liars dark side. You are a man with a good heart who sees this woman as a person. You're almost extinct in 2016. Be a good friend to her. Even if it never becomes more, you can look in the mirror and be proud of the man looking back at you. 4
Imajerk17 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 (edited) I did a quick tally of common responses here. 23 responses said- run away, it's not going to work, or it will be too much work 12 responses said- it's going to be really difficult, but she needs more time, support. It's no coincidence to me, that nearly all 12 of these replies were from women, and several of us were rape survivors. Likewise, nearly all of the 23 responses were from men. 6 responses actually went so far as to call this woman a liar. One in particular claimed that she might be a full-fledged lunatic. Oldshirt continues to refer to her as "a supposed rape victim". The language we use matters. Oldshirt, why does this woman not even get enough respect from complete strangers who are in no way personally vested in this situation, to trust that she's telling the truth? Who are we to judge whether or not he should TRY to date her? Whether or not they will work out as a couple? Let's give OP some credit, that he has a reasonable amount of common sense, that he already knows he's walking into a very difficult situation. That he's decided this girl is worth it, and he's looking for constructive advice. No one is saying that OP is "required" to date her. He wants to date her, his choice. He feels like she's a good match and is worth the trouble. I doubt he'd post this thread, deal with all of these negative responses, if he were just casually thinking about a relationship with her. You say- "I'm not saying that assault victims don't deserve love" yet you immediately disqualify this woman simply because she was raped, and because she told the guy she's dating about it. You cannot deny that. You've been arguing quite strongly that she's too much trouble for him, and you literally know not a single thing about her, other than the fact that she was raped. 1. This is actually not true at all (the bolded). I am strongly skeptical of whether she is ready to date the OP not because she was raped, but instead because she decided to stay with her partner AFTER she was raped by him. That is a huge distinction, AMJ. I am wondering why didn't she leave, how that fits into her pattern of choosing men. Regardless, in light of this, I am not seeing how she could be currently ready for a healthy relationship. Do you? (Serious question...) 2. RE oldshirt's skeptical post, are you saying that everyone who says that got raped indeed did get raped and that whenever someone says that we should just believe them? People can and do lie about this unfortunately and it is heartbreaking because it only makes it harder for the real victims. Just because you allow for reasonable doubt (which is what oldshirt is saying--allow for reasonable doubt that she may not be telling the truth) does not mean that you're positive they are lying. You say you don't know for sure. The way the facts were presented to us--including her staying with the guy after, does allow for reasonable doubt. If this sounds cold or harsh, when it comes to verifying the woman's story, the OP is NOT the police or psychiatrist. I AM glad to hear that the OP is at least directing his friend to law enforcement/medical help. That said, the OP is clear upon what he decided to do. I already said my piece. Good luck to them both. Edited March 16, 2016 by Imajerk17 2
preraph Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 What I see here is a guy being bullied for being a good guy and rape victims being discarded as damaged goods. 2
losangelena Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 What I see here is a guy being bullied for being a good guy and rape victims being discarded as damaged goods. Oh, I thought it was only the "wrong" kinds of rape victims. You know, the ones who haven't worked out their trauma and may trap the OP in a Fatal Attraction situation. I believe the exact term used was, "Stage 5 Crackpot." Any which way you cut it, that's some pretty hard phrasing to come back from. 3
mcjordan Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 are you saying that everyone who says that got raped indeed did get raped and that whenever someone says that we should just believe them? Ya, that's EXACTLY what I'm saying. Unless you were there and know better, only a callous jerk would actually look a woman in the face and accuse her of lying about her rape. Emotionally intelligent people err on the side of compassion. And Smoothman is obviously one of those RARE emotionally intelligent compassionate people who is not going to assume a rape victim is lying. And as for staying afterward....there are lots of reasons that might happen that even a freshman psych student could list. Look, chances are this woman is far from ready to date, but they way she has been dissected, doubted, and labeled on this thread without even being here is just....disgusting, and anyone who doesn't have the character to say "you know, you're right, this is harsh" but rather DEFENDS such emotionally unintelligent behavior just makes me sad. The number of men who view women as bedpost notches to juggle, eschew anyone who isn't easy, and does math on every date is rising to staggering proportions. And now I guess we add "dog the rape victim" to the list... 5
Author Smoothman Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 Thanks everyone for your support! I might add I'm not an unattractive proposition, I could easily go "back to market: and find another woman willing to date me... But I feel no desire to do that... 3
AMJ Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 1. This is actually not true at all (the bolded). I am strongly skeptical of whether she is ready to date the OP not because she was raped, but instead because she decided to stay with her partner AFTER she was raped by him. That is a huge distinction, AMJ. I am wondering why didn't she leave, how that fits into her pattern of choosing men. Regardless, in light of this, I am not seeing how she could be currently ready for a healthy relationship. Do you? (Serious question...) 2. RE oldshirt's skeptical post, are you saying that everyone who says that got raped indeed did get raped and that whenever someone says that we should just believe them? People can and do lie about this unfortunately and it is heartbreaking because it only makes it harder for the real victims. Just because you allow for reasonable doubt (which is what oldshirt is saying--allow for reasonable doubt that she may not be telling the truth) does not mean that you're positive they are lying. You say you don't know for sure. The way the facts were presented to us--including her staying with the guy after, does allow for reasonable doubt. If this sounds cold or harsh, when it comes to verifying the woman's story, the OP is NOT the police or psychiatrist. I AM glad to hear that the OP is at least directing his friend to law enforcement/medical help. That said, the OP is clear upon what he decided to do. I already said my piece. Good luck to them both. 1. I'm trying really hard not to cloud my own opinion with my own personal experience about people- a judge, specifically- not believing my story. When people accuse women of lying about being raped in general, let's just say there are few things that make me extremely angry, and this is one of them. Since it's so logical that she is lying about being raped, then answer this- WHY, (serious question) would she lie about this to a guy she's dating? The times that it's been proven that a woman lies about being raped, it's usually because she wants money, no? How does she benefit from lying about this? She wants his sympathy? Is that it? We're sitting here thinking that it's more logical that she'd create such a massive, disgusting lie just to get a nice guy's sympathy and friendship, than that her story is true? I was really hoping we could all put the issue of whether or not she's lying to rest. Very, very rarely do women lie about being raped. To talk publicly about being raped is so degrading, it feels almost worse than the experience of rape itself. That's why so many women don't talk about it- also because no one wants to be judged like this woman is being judged here. Honestly, she's probably not ready to date, no. She even told him so much. He likes her and wants to give her time, he wants to know how he's supposed to proceed. My point was, is that people date all the time when they aren't in the right emotional state to do so. I started dating right after the biggest heartbreak of my life, and started crying while kissing the next poor guy who tried to date me. I also didn't let being raped stop my love life at the time, I just continued to have lots of dysfunctional relationships while figuring myself out. A lot of my issues, I needed to work out while dating someone. That's just the way it goes. Should she go move herself to a convent and immerse herself in self-help books, and therapy, and whatever "treatment" is supposed to help women heal, for whatever "amount of time" is needed to "heal"? Since you seem to be such an expert about healing, then you tell us please- how long should it take her to heal? When will she be ready to date again? 2. Well we're talking about not believing her again. Is it right to be skeptical about her story....wow. It makes absolutely no sense to lie about this, to a guy you are trying to date. Lie to the police? Maybe. Lie to a lawyer? Maybe. But you tell a guy you're dating that you were raped by your last boyfriend. I'm pretty sure 10 out of 10 guys would run the hell away from you. Case in point, that's basically what every guy here told OP to do. Why would she do this? Is this a new way to reject someone you're not interested in? To create some horrific story so he will stop calling you? Maybe she's lying because she wants him to feel sorry for her. This still doesn't make sense. Even if he stays around, he's going to think of her differently. And not in a good way. OP- you've proven that you're not judging her, I know. It's just really sickening that it's easier for us to believe that she's lying and wants attention, than that she's telling the truth. And you must all know that at least 1 in 4 women are raped- but those are just the ones who report it. Please, please let that number sink in. Out of every four women you know, one of them was probably raped. This is not uncommon! Your car got broken into last night. There's glass all over the front seat and street, and they stole nothing from you. Just some idiots who broke into your car. You didn't actually see anyone break the window, but obviously it happened, right? You can call the police, but they won't do anything about it (at least that's how it goes if you live where I live, I know because my car was broken into twice within two years...I called the cops and they laughed at me). So what's the point of calling the cops? You call to get your window fixed, because that's all you can do. You're probably reading this thinking- what the hell does this have to do with being raped? And the answer is- it never happened to you, so you will never know. A few years ago I was attacked by a cab driver. I was out with my friend, and got a cab (not uber) by myself home. The guy pulls the car over, jumps into the back seat with me, and starts rubbing my shoulders and saying all kinds of weird ****. I beat him off of me, jumped out of the car, and found another way home. I was new to the city at the time, had only lived there for a few weeks. My roommates were freaked out by my story and insisted that I report it to the police. I wasn't too excited about doing so, because I was raped by a police officer ten years ago. But I did, decide to report this incident to the police anyway. I go into the station, walk up to the window, and start telling my story. There are people in the lobby, I have zero privacy, I was totally embarrassed. Finally the receptionist grabs an officer in the back, tells him my story, and he comes outside to talk to me. I thought he'd take me into a room with some privacy. NOPE. He made me give my statement in the lobby- with homeless people, shady looking people, all listening to every word. He asked me what I was wearing that night. I'm thinking, why the F does it matter what I was wearing?? He asked me if I did anything to suggest to the driver that I wanted him to do what he did. What were you wearing? "Clothes. I was wearing clothes. Why does that matter?" What did you say to him? "I gave him my address to take me home." Not that it matters, but I was wearing some huge jacket because it was the dead of winter and freezing outside. And again, not that it matters, but there's no way in hell that I said anything remotely suggestive to the driver, that would encourage him to jump in the back seat with me. You get the point. Reporting this incident was extremely humiliating. They gave me some stupid numbers to call and a pamphlet about assault. The guy actually did hurt my shoulder. They said they'd call me if they ever found him. End of story. So yeah. The police are SO helpful when it comes to these types of things. And yeah, I can't even begin to explain how degrading it is when people do not believe you, when you say that you were assaulted.
preraph Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 As you can readily see, telling a man you've been raped is far more likely to elicit "damaged goods" response or "wants sympathy" response than it is to make a man want to protect you. So case closed on that petty argument. 2
Imajerk17 Posted March 16, 2016 Posted March 16, 2016 (edited) I really am sorry to hear of your experiences w law enforcement AMJ, but just because someone might not yet be positive about the testimony of someone **they hardly know**, does NOT mean that they think "women lie about being raped" or that they are about "blaming the victim". Surely you and the other women posting here can see that. Let me put what I've been saying all along another way. If I were in the OP's situation and someone I hardly knew and just started dating told me this story, I'd be thinking that this is really really serious. I definitely wouldn't be thinking 'Oh she's lying' but I wouldn't yet be ready to say that I was hearing the whole truth. (That law enforcement often bungles rape charges and cases is horrible indeed but it wouldn't change how I'd be processing what I was hearing from her.) I'd allow that I don't really know what happened yet. And I am sorry if you feel that any sort of doubt on my part is "degrading", but I really DO NOT know what happened for sure yet, and I'd tell any guy in a situation such as this that HE doesn't know what happened for sure either. (By the way, we need to make the distinction between this and someone coming to someone IN AN OFFICIAL CAPACITY w a charge of rape, assault, or harassment against someone. In this case, if I were the person someone came to, I'd do everything I could to see that it was INVESTIGATED properly and thoroughly.) Anyway, I'd also be thinking: --She said she was raped only two weeks in, but she stayed w him anyway. THAT would be the detail that would really concern me the most. It's an altogether different scenario than someone being raped by a stranger in that here, she chose to continue the relationship. Why did she stay w him? Is she (subconsciously) drawn to dysfunctional men/relationships? --If she isn't really ready to date then why is she even putting herself out there? I think that is selfish on her part actually. Is she really looking for a boyfriend or a therapist? I know a lot of people date when they aren't really in a good place to do so but it doesn't make it right. We all have baggage but when it comes to dating I'm generally not taking on the role to help heal someone I hardly know yet. It's not a role that I think any healthy person would want to take w the person they just started dating, because very often it doesn't end well. --I wouldn't think this woman was a bad person per se. Instead that getting involved with her likely would turn out badly for me. And that she has a lot of issues she should be working through w a professional AND THAT SHE SHOULDN'T BE putting this upon a new guy. (She stayed w a guy who raped her 2 weeks in. That is a sign of a serious issue on her part.) A lot of women on this thread seem to feel that I am an awful horrible person for not taking someone I just met at their word or for thinking about these other things. A few of you have somehow (incorrectly) made the logical leap that I am saying "rape victims don't deserve love" or "women always lie about rape". I make no apologies though. I'm not her therapist or just a friend giving unconditional love. I'm putting MY emotions on the line so I reserve the right to be cautious too. I'd care that she gets help but at this point I'm thinking of my emotional well-being. I personally wouldn't be in a position to set aside x number of months of dating to help someone I *hardly know at this point* heal while not having my own needs met and then who knows what happens next. Which is what the OP is really doing, I think. He is grooming this woman to heal enough to be in a romantic relationship w him. I'm still not seeing this as that honorable, but he made up his mind on this, and so I do hope it turns out well. Edited March 16, 2016 by Imajerk17 2
Author Smoothman Posted March 16, 2016 Author Posted March 16, 2016 (edited) UPDATE: [A BIG ONE] You know when you’re doing a jigsaw puzzle, putting the pieces in one by one, building up a big picture? Then you look over, and one of the pieces isn’t quite right, it seemed to fit at the time, but now you’ve added more pieces around it, the edges don’t match… It’s wrong. I had this happen regarding her story. The most common part of her recounting is that it happened very soon after she started seeing him,. The first man she’d dated in 16 years of raising two children. The second week, in one recounting the second date, but I’ll accept that I might have misheard that one, so we’ll stick to the second week. She told me she had a recording of the rape at a later retelling…I did ask her HOW she managed to do that? “Oh, I was cooking him dinner, but he always argued with me, and would say horrible things…and then deny them” “I wanted to play it back and show him what nasty things he said” Wait…she was cooking him dinner already? OK, I’ll let that pass…she was more trusting then...perhaps... Wait, you already argue so much that you prepared a recording of it? You’re arguing with a man who you’ve dated for 2 weeks…why are you dating him at all? He had lied about his age (45, but was 56), height, and ethnicity. (He said European, but was Lebanese) Despite these lies she dated him… ...and then he raped her…I remembered an earlier recounting about the second rape: “He grabbed me in the kitchen” Then I have the biggest gaps in my jigsaw puzzle, just a few pieces here and there… “After four months I opened my heart to him” She didn’t immediately stay with him, by he persisted in contacting her. But he turned out to be a misogynistic, controlling, arrogant and selfish man…so she dumped him. And then this came out: “Actually, my marriage started with a rape…” When she first arrived in this country as a your student, 20 years old, she was living in a dorm, very common for Asian students, and one day she and one other guy were alone, as she was studying for an exam. He came and grabbed her in the kitchen, raped her. In the kitchen…I remember that distinctly… She fell pregnant, and for visa reasons they married, she had another child with him. He was abusive, hit her frequently, she recounted a few examples. Then she left him, was living in one woman’s shelter after another. Finally she broke free of him, and raised two children alone, until after 16 years she started to date again, and met this other man. I had logged onto the dating website to close my account a couple of weeks ago, and I’ll admit I looked, she was still active, online only a few hours ago. She remained very active…every day or so…which struck me as odd for someone who definitely isn’t ready to date, but again I dismissed this as insignificant…. Then she was surprisingly quiet Tuesday night, no text message, no goodnight…nothing… We had planned to meet Wednesday night, but first thing Wednesday morning she texts me with “bad news” She had a flood, the drains were blocked, it happened last night, she had to organise a plumber, and clean up the mess. I offered to help find a plumber, and I asked for some pictures of the damage to show him… The pictures she sent were of the toilet mid flush…and a slightly dirty kitchen cupboard…nothing that you might consider devastating… I agreed to delay our date until Thursday, so she could feel relaxed and comfortable… Again, no texts from her, so I call at 10:30pm She’s in an odd mood,. Her jovial happy nature was missing, and she struggled to engage with me… I finished the phone call, and texted her after I had parked and was back in my apartment… She asked me to help her find a car…a 2nd hand Mercedes Benz Convertible, and could I link the ones I had found. Why of all things mention that... Am I only here to help her do stuff like that? I suggested we delay the date until Friday so she wouldn’t be tired for work, but really I was in a mind storm of conflict about everything that I had just learned, and had put together…and wanted room to think. She didn’t reply until the morning, when I got an abrupt “Sorry, fell asleep, totally up to you” (regarding the date). No “Good Morning” So I simply replied: “I think I’ll leave it” To which she replied… “OK, thank you for letting me know” So, that’s that I guess…. To be honest I have NO IDEA what’s going on, what her story is, what she wanted or expected from me…but none of it makes any sense to me now… I do not think she lied about the rape, but aspects of it don’t make any sense at all. I don’t know why she continued to browse the dating website. I don’t know why she sudden change in attitude towards me. Maybe she’ll contact me again…maybe not… Should I send her a “what happened?” text…or just leave it? Edited March 16, 2016 by Smoothman 1
Imajerk17 Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 (edited) I think you should leave it be, and really thank your lucky stars for really avoiding trouble, and in the future, be VERY wary about trying to date or "befriend" women who tell you about recent trauma that indicates a bad picker/issues, such as staying w the guy who raped her within two weeks of meeting her. Oldshirt in particular took a lot of heat but isn't that how things played out. You shouldn't be trying to "save" anyone you just met OP (this goes for either gender btw). Anyway you got off pretty lucky--she decided to end it fairly early on. I do hope you learned your lesson OP. Edited March 17, 2016 by Imajerk17 4
preraph Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 I'd be alarmed at the extra details too, because she made some really bad decisions and sounds a little to comfortable with chaos. It doesn't minimize that she was raped, but I somehow kind of thought in the back of my mind that something else might come up that made you walk away -- well, because that's what usually happens in most any relationship. That it wouldn't be the big issue but some more ordinary dealbreaker. Remember though, that all happened a long time ago when she was young and naive. Young girls always think they can change a man, and real young ones usually take jealousy and control as a compliment. It takes a long time for them to realize it's not about them but just the way they are and there's no changing them. So at least try to go by how she is now, not how big of a mess she was in then. I know it's hard because she keeps bringing it up and making it current.
Author Smoothman Posted March 17, 2016 Author Posted March 17, 2016 I'd be alarmed at the extra details too, because she made some really bad decisions and sounds a little to comfortable with chaos. It doesn't minimize that she was raped, but I somehow kind of thought in the back of my mind that something else might come up that made you walk away -- well, because that's what usually happens in most any relationship. That it wouldn't be the big issue but some more ordinary dealbreaker. Remember though, that all happened a long time ago when she was young and naive. Young girls always think they can change a man, and real young ones usually take jealousy and control as a compliment. It takes a long time for them to realize it's not about them but just the way they are and there's no changing them. So at least try to go by how she is now, not how big of a mess she was in then. I know it's hard because she keeps bringing it up and making it current. Still tempted to send one last text message to her... 1. Should i? 2. If so, what?
katiegrl Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 I'd be alarmed at the extra details too, because she made some really bad decisions and sounds a little to comfortable with chaos. It doesn't minimize that she was raped, but I somehow kind of thought in the back of my mind that something else might come up that made you walk away -- well, because that's what usually happens in most any relationship. That it wouldn't be the big issue but some more ordinary dealbreaker. Remember though, that all happened a long time ago when she was young and naive. Young girls always think they can change a man, and real young ones usually take jealousy and control as a compliment. It takes a long time for them to realize it's not about them but just the way they are and there's no changing them. So at least try to go by how she is now, not how big of a mess she was in then. I know it's hard because she keeps bringing it up and making it current. I think what Smoothman was alluding to preraph.... was that after probing a bit further, she revealed details and exhibited behavior that resulted in him feeling a bit played and used. And she wasn't that young when the second rape occurred, it was 16 years after her divorce, which would indicate mid-to late 30s....not that it matters now. Her still being active on the website, yet suggesting to Smoothman she only wished to be friends (with him) is very telling. Smoothman, I am very very sorry. I know you are hurting now, but it will pass, time heals. Be thankful you saw true colors now, before getting further entrenched in her and her life. Again, very very sorry.. 1
katiegrl Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 Still tempted to send one last text message to her... 1. Should i? 2. If so, what? Why? Let it go Smoothman. If you are looking for closure, I highly doubt she is in any position to give it to you. It will only keep the drama going, and keep you still emotionally involved. Let it go.... 1
Author Smoothman Posted March 17, 2016 Author Posted March 17, 2016 Actually, she contacted me... She thought I had stopped wanting to see her because of my "cold" text. (She was actually back to her normal happy self...laughing and playful.) I replied that her manner on the phone was cold and disengaged, she answered: "no no, not at all!" She was worried about how she could get over to see me, she thought her son might have the car, and was rapidly thinking of options while we were talking. She asked if we could still meet as arranged tonight, but if I could come over to near her part of town (not far BTW), as her son had the car... OK, I agreed...I'll pick her up from near her mom's place. Am I totally back with her...? No. I will be talking about everything tonight... I also want to see how she behaves towards me, seeing as she almost lost me...
katiegrl Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 (edited) Actually, she contacted me... She thought I had stopped wanting to see her because of my "cold" text. (She was actually back to her normal happy self...laughing and playful.) I replied that her manner on the phone was cold and disengaged, she answered: "no no, not at all!" She was worried about how she could get over to see me, she thought her son might have the car, and was rapidly thinking of options while we were talking. She asked if we could still meet as arranged tonight, but if I could come over to near her part of town (not far BTW), as her son had the car... OK, I agreed...I'll pick her up from near her mom's place. Am I totally back with her...? No. I will be talking about everything tonight... I also want to see how she behaves towards me, seeing as she almost lost me... Of course she contacted you. After she thought about it, who's gonna help with her plumbing, and/or help her find a used Mercedes-Benz? And god only knows what else? And this has NOTHING to do with her being a rape survivor, that's actually irrelevant at this point .... IMO she sounds like a first class manipulator, so if you choose to "get back" with her, proceed at your own risk.. Best of luck... Edited March 17, 2016 by katiegrl 2
ChickiePops Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 Actually, she contacted me... She thought I had stopped wanting to see her because of my "cold" text. (She was actually back to her normal happy self...laughing and playful.) I replied that her manner on the phone was cold and disengaged, she answered: "no no, not at all!" She was worried about how she could get over to see me, she thought her son might have the car, and was rapidly thinking of options while we were talking. She asked if we could still meet as arranged tonight, but if I could come over to near her part of town (not far BTW), as her son had the car... OK, I agreed...I'll pick her up from near her mom's place. Am I totally back with her...? No. I will be talking about everything tonight... I also want to see how she behaves towards me, seeing as she almost lost me... I was totally with you until this post. Rape victim status aside, she doesn't sound all that fabulous...I would be cautious. You, on the other hand, sound lovely. You deserve a wonderful woman.
BettyDraper Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 (edited) I am more attracted to woman I feel need "saving"... I have no idea why, but my past relationships sure have that theme in common. And besides...what happens to woman in this situation? If all men just go "oh God, too hard" and disappear on her...how does that work? Someone needs to stand up for her...help her... Needing to save the women you date is a sign of codependency and low self esteem. Consider seeing a counselor for your tendency to be a White Knight. It is not your job to heal women or save them from themselves. The woman you're dating has to be willing to do the work on her issues by herself. She isn't ready for an intimate relationship if she's sharing very personal details right away; sounds like she was weak boundaries due to the trauma of being abused. Love can certainly help heal but the traumatized person has to be willing to seek therapy and resolution independently. I say this as a woman who has experienced physical and sexual abuse. Edited March 17, 2016 by BettyDraper 2
mcjordan Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 I am very sorry that things turned out this way. However, I hope that rather than use THIS ONE woman as some sort of smug proof that women who claim rape are liars, think of all the victims on this thread (myself included) who ARE truthful, and keep your empathy and compassion. Those traits make you a good man, a man worth caring for. 1
Recommended Posts