Author Smoothman Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 With human psychology being what it is... people search for mates based not on what they neeeeeeeeeed, but instead they search for mates based on what/who they WANT. And the OP neeeeeeeeeeeeds to realize that it is entirely realistic that people who have a long history of chaos in their environments will most likely evolve to seek that same chaos surrounding their mates of choice. (for worse, or for worse) So for us here not knowing the full depth to which the subject of the OP has been affected, and over what period of time... we just can't speculate for sure. The OP's mindset is noble... aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that quite often pays-off, long-term, for both parties... but, if the woman wants the effect of a guy who has an abusive edge to his personality (whether active or dormant), there is just no way that the nice guy she needs will suffice for the long haul. (and the OP should have that understanding in mind, going in...) (Could she reach that point in time? Sure... after extensive therapy... and dedication to her path toward a {safer} life... but both parties need to know what sort of time is involved in getting to that point) This is my biggest fear... That she is so used to a dominating, forceful person, that she will be taken over by another guy...
Lobouspo Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 It's not about being 'too hard', or 'giving up'. You are soothing your own ego by telling yourself that. It's about having the self-respect to walk away from a situation where your needs aren't being met, and probably never will be. Look, she is using you for comfort - like a teddy bear. The problem is that, one of these days, that teddy bear is going to get a hard on. She won't want that. She will want you to be the cute teddy bear. If your happy with that, then fine. Just don't expect other people to join you in your superhero delusion. Excellent post, I could not have said it better myself
Author Smoothman Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 Excellent post, I could not have said it better myself It's been two weeks. There is nothing that amazing or unusual for a relationship to remain platonic for a couple of months...yes, my history is that it happens much faster, but overall, a couple of months is about right? So we aren't even there yet... So what's wrong with seeing how things pan out over that time frame...seeing how things progress? 1
Jabron1 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 what's wrong with seeing how things pan out over that time frame...seeing how things progress? What's wrong with seeing other girls in the meantime? There are billions of women in the world. Why are you so obsessed over this one? 2
Author Smoothman Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 What's wrong with seeing other girls in the meantime? There are billions of women in the world. Why are you so obsessed over this one? Because I see a great potential with this one I haven't seen for a long time... I've dated so many...when you find someone who stands out...I don't want to lose that... But, yeah, I guess I should still keep my options open...
katiegrl Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) If all men just go "oh God, too hard" and disappear on her...how does that work? Someone needs to stand up for her...help her... It works by forcing her to seek help for herself instead of looking to men to help her.... to save her from herself. And by seeking help herself, she becomes stronger and a much better and healthier human being and partner in the long term. Edited March 10, 2016 by katiegrl 3
Author Smoothman Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 It works by forcing her to seek help for herself instead of looking to men to help her.... to save her from herself. And by seeking help herself, she becomes stronger and a much better and healthier human being and partner in the long term. Yeah, I guess that's true...
todreaminblue Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) With human psychology being what it is... people search for mates based not on what they neeeeeeeeeed, but instead they search for mates based on what/who they WANT. And the OP neeeeeeeeeeeeds to realize that it is entirely realistic that people who have a long history of chaos in their environments will most likely evolve to seek that same chaos surrounding their mates of choice. (for worse, or for worse) So for us here not knowing the full depth to which the subject of the OP has been affected, and over what period of time... we just can't speculate for sure. The OP's mindset is noble... aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that quite often pays-off, long-term, for both parties... but, if the woman wants the effect of a guy who has an abusive edge to his personality (whether active or dormant), there is just no way that the nice guy she needs will suffice for the long haul. (and the OP should have that understanding in mind, going in...) (Could she reach that point in time? Sure... after extensive therapy... and dedication to her path toward a {safer} life... but both parties need to know what sort of time is involved in getting to that point) i dont know if you meant for your post to be directly condescending to me or not...because as a rape survivor i actually do go for what i neeeeeeeeeeeed....in my life...but what i neeeeed in my life doesnt necessarily neeeeeeeeeed me and my past in theirs.....which i actually do think about....is what can i bring for them...and i know i can bring a lot....other than being a rape survivor...as i am sure ops lady coudl rbign so much more to the table other than some dickehead guy forced her to have sex and hurt her.....with extensive therapy of course...... i have had much drama in my life.......im also an ex hooker.....but....i found faith.... though i have had many trials.....i feel that god is refining me ro that satan wanted me badly to be a stuff up ...he counted on it...one day i am going to be awesome......and i need an awesome gentle heart to share that awesomeness with.....until then ....ill just believe he is out there.... you are right it does take a long time to heal...i was raped first as a child....and i still have flashbacks...but i deal with it....when you say that women who have chaos seek that chaos again in their mate....i will remind you...we are talking of rape here......and its offensive that you regard a woman as wanting it to happen again......its more than chaos......its more than a lot of people can comprehend...its a nightmare where you wake up bleeding at the end with no control over the nightmare or the person on top o you.....so yeah its more than just a a little dominance and control....the dedication to a safer life bit......are you basically saying she put her self in an unsafe postion????she asked for it more or less.......so th eonus is on her in regards to safety and nto th edickhead who neeeeeeds to maek changes....she is changed for life.....trust me...... i do like to be submissive to a man i am with......theres nothing wrong with letting a man take the lead....that isnt chaos........so what i neeeeeed.......is a gentle guy ....with a gentle heart....who wont abuse that privilege...because it is exactly that...a privilege....as a rape survivor...the last thing i neeeeed is a guy i waaaaaaaaant o r neeeeeed to lead .......to stomp on me....that aint leading..or bring chaos or rape again to my life..i ended a relationship because i saw that it would have that element of the unknown he called em a c u nnnn ttt once and i was out......not only do i need that quiet strength and support ...as a survivor i want to be respected as such and not seen as a victim by some gentle hearted guy...and yes that has taken me a load of therapy to discover so i agree with you on the subject of time.......deb Edited March 10, 2016 by todreaminblue 1
Jabron1 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 i do like to be submissive to a man i am with......theres nothing wrong with letting a man take the lead....that isnt chaos........so what i neeeeeed.......is a gentle guy ....with a gentle heart....who wont abuse that privilege...because it is exactly that...a privilege That is a really cool way of looking at things. My mum was molested as a child, too. She's dated guys since divorcing with my dad, and done it in a healthy way. But if she started dating a guy, and using him for comfort, I would tell her that it's wrong. It's just not fair to exploit a guy like that. I'm not saying that is what you are doing, Deb. I'm just speaking about the general scenario that men face, and the OP's position. 5
losangelena Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I would just like to put out the rather disgusting rhetoric that a rape victim can't go on to have a good relationship. This is nonsense. Depending on the level of trauma of the encounter and the general strength and insight of the victim, it can affect them to varying degrees for varying lengths of time. But I've known people who got right back in the saddle and simply filed it away as "there are creeps out there and it's no reflection on me." And unfortunately, I have to debunk the posters' nonsense about women using this as a ploy. Oh, my god, I can't even believe I just read that - twice. One in four women are assaulted violently, some rape, some not. All of those things have about the same effect on a woman. I am just so offended by that. Thank goodness there are caring understanding men out there like the author of this post. I do agree it's limited what you personally can do, but the best you can do is listen and just offer unwaivering support and be dependable and solid as a rock. I wholeheartedly agree with this. So much of what I read on this board is wtf? 6
Jabron1 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Thank goodness there are caring understanding men out there like the author of this post. Do you think he's doing this out of the kindness of his heart, or because he is attracted to her sexually? If it's the latter, then this isn't kindness... 5
katiegrl Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Do you think he's doing this out of the kindness of his heart, or because he is attracted to her sexually? If it's the latter, then this isn't kindness... Yeah I think perhaps the kindest thing he could do (right now) is be her friend (and not pursue a romantic RL with her) and as her friend, encourage her to seek help for herself... so she might someday be a stronger, healthier and better partner....either with him...or someone else. But to pursue any sort of romantic (sexual?) involvement with her, again right now, would not only be a recipe for disaster IMO.... but quite selfish actually, as she is still recovering and NOT in any position to be moving forward in that type of RL at the moment. 6
Imajerk17 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Did I read this right: She was raped in the 2nd week of her relationship w her ex-boyfriend. As her relationship w her ex (presumably) lasted longer than 2 weeks, this means that she stayed with him for a while after that, as his girlfriend. I am not denying that something serious and traumatic that is not her fault at all happened to this woman. But I don't think you are selfish--or that the guys on here are being "disgusting", for thinking not only about this woman's healing, but about how all this will turn out for YOU. And it's not looking good. 1
preraph Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Do you think he's doing this out of the kindness of his heart, or because he is attracted to her sexually? If it's the latter, then this isn't kindness... Who gives a crap? He's doing it. She wants love. She just doesn't want rape.
Author Smoothman Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 Yeah I think perhaps the kindest thing he could do (right now) is be her friend (and not pursue a romantic RL with her) and as her friend, encourage her to seek help for herself... so she might someday be a stronger, healthier and better partner....either with him...or someone else. But to pursue any sort of romantic (sexual?) involvement with her, again right now, would not only be a recipe for disaster IMO.... but quite selfish actually, as she is still recovering and NOT in any position to be moving forward in that type of RL at the moment. I'm going to take this advice I am thinking it's too soon for her to start a relationship... I can be her friend, we get along amazingly well, but I will put aside feelings of a romantic involvement with her... I think that's the best course of action... I need her to heal more... 3
katiegrl Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Who gives a crap? He's doing it. She wants love. She just doesn't want rape. I agree, however, while still recovering from that rape...any sort of sexual overture by him may be interpreted by her as such... leading to additional emotional trauma for her...while still trying to recover. Unless he can offer his love, sans sex, then as I said, a recipe for disaster (at the present time). JMO. Good luck OP!
Brady_to_Moss Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 My EX was a rape victim and she had major self-esteem issues from it leading her to have the need to sleep with a few guys while she was with me and always needing to post selfies that were a bit promiscuous to get those beautiful..sexy ect comments. It has to be a very very traumatic experience and it will affect everyone differently. Some will take it rough and take a lot of time but come out strong on the other side. In my case she came out weaker and needed that boost 24.7 I am not saying every rape victim will turn out like my ex..not at all. Just saying that you just never know what that person will be like deep down inside until you really get to the bottom of it. And it's tough. I thought i could be the one to fix her and to help her and heal her..but this was so far from the truth. That has to come inside and if that person is strong enough. They can come out just fine and have a healthy relationship I don't think you are selfish at all. Like other said. You also need to think about YOU and if you can deal with this added twist in a relationship. 3
todreaminblue Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 (edited) I'm going to take this advice I am thinking it's too soon for her to start a relationship... I can be her friend, we get along amazingly well, but I will put aside feelings of a romantic involvement with her... I think that's the best course of action... I need her to heal more... what i know is this from your posts op you have changed the way you feel or what you should do in some fashion due to and by what people have said on here....like keeping your options open and things like that..... what your lady friend needs is a fair amount of time.....and sex shouldnt even be in the equation.....trust needs to be built commitment etc.....on both sides.....trust in you from her and trust in her from you...and that isnt there...sex anytime soon would be a mistake.....being her best friend first...is the best relationship for her and for you ,you could offer her.....i know she went to the doctors.......and i would encourage you to attend a support meeting or support position in therapy so you can better know what you are dealing with and strategies to help you too...... triggers arent often known until they happen ...i cant express enough how therapy helps the survivor ..strategies if known before a trigger occurs.....can help mute the intensity of the trigger...and the duration it lasts...it could be a certain way you touch her or hold her or even smell.....i am triggered by certain smells and also when i fall......i am also triggered by nakedness..i have strategies...nakedness for one......comes much much later for me now...until i marry.......i keep my clothes on...so vulnerability will often trigger me....... and these are the things that take time to come out ........all this takes time......so i do feel you are doing the right thing.....by making it a close friendship first ....give it time..but be honest with her and straight up that you want it at friendship....no ambiguity..and i wish you well......deb Edited March 11, 2016 by todreaminblue 2
Author Smoothman Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 what i know is this from your posts op you have changed the way you feel or what you should do in some fashion due to and by what people have said on here....like keeping your options open and things like that..... what your lady friend needs is a fair amount of time.....and sex shouldnt even be in the equation.....trust needs to be built commitment etc.....on both sides.....trust in you from her and trust in her from you...and that isnt there...sex anytime soon would be a mistake.....being her best friend first...is the best relationship for her and for you ,you could offer her.....i know she went to the doctors.......and i would encourage you to attend a support meeting or support position in therapy so you can better know what you are dealing with and strategies to help you too...... triggers arent often known until they happen ...i cant express enough how therapy helps the survivor ..strategies if known before a trigger occurs.....can help mute the intensity of the trigger...and the duration it lasts...it could be a certain way you touch her or hold her or even smell.....i am triggered by certain smells and also when i fall......i am also triggered by nakedness..i have strategies...nakedness for one......comes much much later for me now...until i marry.......i keep my clothes on...so vulnerability will often trigger me....... and these are the things that take time to come out ........all this takes time......so i do feel you are doing the right thing.....by making it a close friendship first ....give it time..but be honest with her and straight up that you want it at friendship....no ambiguity..and i wish you well......deb Thank you Deb... 1
jay1983 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I think you're fooling yourself and your desperation is driving you. But hey, do what you want.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 This is my biggest fear... That she is so used to a dominating, forceful person, that she will be taken over by another guy... This subject still doesn't seem to be connecting to you in the right way. It is the Cycle of abuse which is a potential concern... (until you can/will say that this was the rare, rare person who was sexually assaulted/abused for the first-ever time less than a year ago (presumably during adulthood)). She wouldn't be taken over by another guy. Your concern needs to be whether this woman is deep in the throes of the abuse cycle... and if so, her two options are extensive therapy (to even begin to reach a point where a "nice guy" could pique her long-term interest) or her simply not recognizing in you the mysterious (bad vibes) which tend to be a common thread in the types of men to whom she is attracted. (and her eventually ending the relationship because of what (she thinks) is missing ) *** clarity: You don't wanna possess those bad vibes (now, anymore than ever)
MidwestUSA Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I'm going to take this advice I am thinking it's too soon for her to start a relationship... I can be her friend, we get along amazingly well, but I will put aside feelings of a romantic involvement with her... I think that's the best course of action... I need her to heal more... SHE needs to heal. For HERself. If you keep looking through your 'I need' glasses, you're not doing her a favor. I don't think you can be 'that friend'. Sorry. 2
mike_89 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I have dated two rape victims in the past 5 years and honestly, both were not worth the trouble. The first problem I had was that they both seemed emotionally scarred to a degree that it would be impossible to have a decent relationship with them. One of them was still friendly but very, very emotionally distant. The other one was not distant but had extreme mood swings and could go from happy and nice to very verbally aggressive just like that, she even told me that she would rape girls if she was a guy (what kind of person is this?). Mind you, when I told the second girl I wanted to stop dating she threatened me with a rape charge as well. Sexuality was the other big issue. They both wanted to go slow and I can respect that but the problem was their subconscious. When they were ready, cognitively, to have sex, they couldn't! It was impossible to have sex with both these girls because they both had vaginismus (where their vagina literally just spasms completely). They both really wanted to, one even suggested getting drunk so that she might relax more, but no amount of foreplay or lube helped. She suggested that she is too much trouble, and she is probably right. She needs to undergo therapy and needs to really get over this before she can start dating again. I mean, how long do you think it'll take her to get over this? The first girl I described had been sexually abused 12 years before I met her and she still had such issues.
sandylee1 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I just want to say OP that you seem to have a very kind heart. If you focus on a friendship and even let her sleep alone in the bed that would be better. If you take things very slowly and try not to view her in a romantic light right now. Start with hand holding if she will allow it. Do things you might do with a friend.. like go to the movies.. watch light hearted stuff... just have her feel super comfortable with you. You obviously think she's worth it... so there must be something about her that is special. Be patient Be kind I hope she gets the help she needs and starts to heal and I wish you the best of luck. 4
Author Smoothman Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 I just want to say OP that you seem to have a very kind heart. If you focus on a friendship and even let her sleep alone in the bed that would be better. If you take things very slowly and try not to view her in a romantic light right now. Start with hand holding if she will allow it. Do things you might do with a friend.. like go to the movies.. watch light hearted stuff... just have her feel super comfortable with you. You obviously think she's worth it... so there must be something about her that is special. Be patient Be kind I hope she gets the help she needs and starts to heal and I wish you the best of luck. Thank you...
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