Dating a rape victim

[jen1447]

Regarding the update, just fwiw you shouldn't exactly expect the most stable of mindsets from a trauma victim. So mixed up stories and timelines aren't really unexpected. She may even be making some things up - like forex maybe there really was no second rape and she's actually still focusing on the marriage rape bc it's deeply traumatic for her. Would that make her any less a victim? Not really, but it may make her a 'flawed' victim, and most ppl are flawed, so welcome to the human race.

 

Another common phenomena w/this sort of thing is 'victim virtue' - ppl tend to perceive victims of violent crimes as pure, angelic, w/out sin, etc. That's never the case, and it's not really a fair standard. So it's entirely possible OP is perceiving her by an unfair standard of virtue, or at least an unrealistic one, and judging her the same in terms of the recent things not adding up. Most likely she was a flawed person to begin with who had her life severely complicated thru violent crime. Less idealistic, but more realistic.

 

IMO, if OP's in it for the reasons originally stated, his treatment of her shouldn't change based on the possibility that maybe she's not quite as blame-free in general as he thought. Even ppl with flaws deserve help and compassion.

[MidwestUSA]

Frankly, OP, if you continue to pursue this friendship, I'd read up on the traits of BPD. A poster here, Downtown, is an expert on the topic. You might look him, or some of his posts, up.

 

I'm not denying her rape(s), but there's something else really off here.

 

Tread cautiously.

[Imajerk17]

Regarding the update, just fwiw you shouldn't exactly expect the most stable of mindsets from a trauma victim. So mixed up stories and timelines aren't really unexpected. She may even be making some things up - like forex maybe there really was no second rape and she's actually still focusing on the marriage rape bc it's deeply traumatic for her. Would that make her any less a victim? Not really, but it may make her a 'flawed' victim, and most ppl are flawed, so welcome to the human race.

 

Another common phenomena w/this sort of thing is 'victim virtue' - ppl tend to perceive victims of violent crimes as pure, angelic, w/out sin, etc. That's never the case, and it's not really a fair standard. So it's entirely possible OP is perceiving her by an unfair standard of virtue, or at least an unrealistic one, and judging her the same in terms of the recent things not adding up. Most likely she was a flawed person to begin with who had her life severely complicated thru violent crime. Less idealistic, but more realistic.

 

IMO, if OP's in it for the reasons originally stated, his treatment of her shouldn't change based on the possibility that maybe she's not quite as blame-free in general as he thought. Even ppl with flaws deserve help and compassion.

 

In other words, you are acknowledging the possibility that she may have indeed been....making up....this rape story in her most recent relationship. Isn't this what the guys on here have been saying all along--acknowledge this possibility? Especially because otherwise her ex would be presumed guilty something he may not have done.

 

I do hope that you aren't saying that OP should put up with being her "good friend" while she is still active on the dating site doing who knows what with other men. That would sound like horrible advice to me.

 

This woman's erratic actions probably do come a place of pain, but to a guy she is dating, it is destructive and crazy behaviour that has no place in a romantic relationship (which again, is what the guys on this thread have been warning the OP about all along). She DOES deserve love and healing, but from a therapist and her circle of friends/family, NOT from someone who really wants to bone her (even if he won't admit it to himself).

Edited March 17, 2016 by Imajerk17

[Emilia]

I have only read your posts OP to see how you progressed with her, I skipped the others. I too suggest that you read up on Borderline Personality Disorder

[mcjordan]

I'm not gonna get real specific here....but I will say I work in this particular subject area...and it is HIGHLY common for trauma victims to forget things, mix things up, even be unsure of WHO did what. For example, Suzie's father is the one who repeatedly molested her, but she tells the school counselor it was a coach or another student....because her mind just will not accept that her FATHER could do such a thing.

 

Trauma can have the same impact on the brain as a head injury, heavy narcotics/hallucinagens, or mental illness. With young children, for example, it is not that uncommon for them to say "a million times" in response to the question "how many times did this happen?" (which is why it is a bad question to ask). Do we call the 9 year old a liar because she said a million instead 17? Not if we have any compassion, and emotional intelligence.

 

There are two types of people in the world: those who approach things from the assumption that most people are not liars, and those who approach things from the assumption that most people are liars. There seem to be a lot more of the latter, particular when speaking about how a particular type of men feel about women.

 

So again I say, I hope you, OP, have more character than to take this one woman's confused trauma and go "Aha! Gotcha! I'm right! Neener neener girls are bad!"

[Imajerk17]

I'm not gonna get real specific here....but I will say I work in this particular subject area...and it is HIGHLY common for trauma victims to forget things, mix things up, even be unsure of WHO did what. For example, Suzie's father is the one who repeatedly molested her, but she tells the school counselor it was a coach or another student....because her mind just will not accept that her FATHER could do such a thing.

 

Trauma can have the same impact on the brain as a head injury, heavy narcotics/hallucinagens, or mental illness. With young children, for example, it is not that uncommon for them to say "a million times" in response to the question "how many times did this happen?" (which is why it is a bad question to ask). Do we call the 9 year old a liar because she said a million instead 17? Not if we have any compassion, and emotional intelligence.

 

There are two types of people in the world: those who approach things from the assumption that most people are not liars, and those who approach things from the assumption that most people are liars. There seem to be a lot more of the latter, particular when speaking about how a particular type of men feel about women.

 

So again I say, I hope you, OP, have more character than to take this one woman's confused trauma and go "Aha! Gotcha! I'm right! Neener neener girls are bad!"

 

I'm confused here. On your post #110 you said that when a woman says she was raped we should believe her. Now you are saying here that it may not be the truth. You contradict yourself, mcjordan. Which is it?

 

It's an important question, because in this case the OP's ex is being accused of something he may not have done. That's serious too.

[jen1447]

In other words, you are acknowledging the possibility that she may have indeed been....making up....this rape story in her most recent relationship. Isn't this what the guys on here have been saying all along--acknowledge this possibility? Especially because otherwise her ex would be presumed guilty something he may not have done.

 

Why would I "acknowledge" anything? That was a debate you all were having, not me.

 

I do hope that you aren't saying that OP should put up with being her "good friend" while she is still active on the dating site doing who knows what with other men. That would sound like horrible advice to me.

 

This woman's erratic actions probably do come a place of pain, but to a guy she is dating, it is destructive and crazy behaviour that has no place in a romantic relationship (which again, is what the guys on this thread have been warning the OP about all along). She DOES deserve love and healing, but from a therapist and her circle of friends/family, NOT from someone who really wants to bone her (even if he won't admit it to himself).

 

Hope in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up first.

 

OP has consistently said all along that first and foremost he wants to be her friend and to provide support for her, so in that context, yes, if she decides she wants to OLD or date around, I'd expect that he'd handle it gracefully and continue to be her friend, not her quasi-spurned 'lover.' It'd obvs be best if she herself handled that w/dignity for both their sakes, but she may be incapable of some typical human considerations depending on just how damaged she really is. (Which of course none of us really know, despite how much we might want to pretend we do.)

 

A lot of you guys are projecting this "he wants sex" thing on him but sorry, I'll take OP's testimony at face value before believing you somehow know better about him than him.

 

Also your 'crazy shaming' dating guru advice is really a bit glib, sorry. But never mind, I never actually wanted to discuss this with you specifically anyway.

[mcjordan]

I'm confused here. On your post #110 you said that when a woman says she was raped we should believe her. Now you are saying here that it may not be the truth. You contradict yourself, mcjordan. Which is it?

 

It's an important question, because in this case the OP's ex is being accused of something he may not have done. That's serious too.

 

Actually, you are taking this out of context, and because you seem intelligent, I'm going to assume it's bait.

 

I'm saying that it is more compassionate to err on the side of believing her. And I am saying that a man who uses this particular case to say "See??? Those lying rape victims! AHA!" has some character issues to work on.

 

I think most people can distinguish "I am making something up for fun" from "I am so traumatized I may not get the details all right."

 

I am not contradicting myself. I just have enough compassion not to suspect all rape victims of being liars.

 

Have you been falsely accused? You seem very....invested in the idea of women lying about this.

[Imajerk17]

Actually, you are taking this out of context, and because you seem intelligent, I'm going to assume it's bait.

 

I'm saying that it is more compassionate to err on the side of believing her. And I am saying that a man who uses this particular case to say "See??? Those lying rape victims! AHA!" has some character issues to work on.

 

I think most people can distinguish "I am making something up for fun" from "I am so traumatized I may not get the details all right."

 

I am not contradicting myself. I just have enough compassion not to suspect all rape victims of being liars.

 

Have you been falsely accused? You seem very....invested in the idea of women lying about this.

 

 

 

I actually disagree with this. I definitely think it should be taken seriously--by therapists/law enforcement/ect, but just assumed as true from someone you hardly know? No way. Especially since someone who may be innocent would be presumed guilty. (You never addressed this point, btw)

 

I think the truly compassionate thing is to not believe something until you have solid evidence that it is actually the truth. Meanwhile, OP is NOT this woman's therapist and he is not law enforcement. He is a guy who just met her and who wants to have sex with her. He isn't in a place to be helping her through this.

 

I think most people can distinguish between being cautious whenever you hear a tough tale from someone you hardly know (which is what I was advising all along--and in light of events turned out to be VERY good advice), and saying that all rape victims are liars. That you and a few others on this thread seem to be accusing me of saying the latter--which I NEVER did--pisses me off frankly.

Edited March 17, 2016 by Imajerk17

[Timshel]

I'm not gonna get real specific here....but I will say I work in this particular subject area...and it is HIGHLY common for trauma victims to forget things, mix things up, even be unsure of WHO did what. For example, Suzie's father is the one who repeatedly molested her, but she tells the school counselor it was a coach or another student....because her mind just will not accept that her FATHER could do such a thing.

 

Trauma can have the same impact on the brain as a head injury, heavy narcotics/hallucinagens, or mental illness. With young children, for example, it is not that uncommon for them to say "a million times" in response to the question "how many times did this happen?" (which is why it is a bad question to ask). Do we call the 9 year old a liar because she said a million instead 17? Not if we have any compassion, and emotional intelligence.

 

There are two types of people in the world: those who approach things from the assumption that most people are not liars, and those who approach things from the assumption that most people are liars. There seem to be a lot more of the latter, particular when speaking about how a particular type of men feel about women.

 

So again I say, I hope you, OP, have more character than to take this one woman's confused trauma and go "Aha! Gotcha! I'm right! Neener neener girls are bad!"

 

I'm confused here. On your post #110 you said that when a woman says she was raped we should believe her. Now you are saying here that it may not be the truth. You contradict yourself, mcjordan. Which is it?

 

It's an important question, because in this case the OP's ex is being accused of something he may not have done. That's serious too.

 

I am not reading any contradiction.

 

OP, use your better judgement. It seems that you are and at this point only time will show an appropriate level of investment. We all do it...every day/all the time.

 

The issue of rape is a non sequitur for the level of involvement you are currently engaged. If you have a romantic relationship or friendship, the only part of her past to distract you is how it will directly effect healthy relational growth.

 

Take your time and if at some point things become clearly incompatible.....walk away. You won't be the first or last to do so for reasons that may have nothing to do with the possibility of historical trauma.

It's a crap-shoot, every intelligent human knows this.

 

Best wishes.

[preraph]

Still tempted to send one last text message to her...

1. Should i?

2. If so, what?

 

I mean, if you need anything clarified, then ask her questions. A lot of that was in the past. Ask if she thinks she would do anything differently today or something like that. If there's something she thinks of doing currently that is really out of whack to you, then tell her. Let her know that doesn't seem right or whatever.

 

The part that worries me is she seems impulsive and drawn to guys who may victimize her. That usually means of course that she's been being victimized going way back. Predators can sense someone who will let them in and ignore some red flags and make a good victim. It's still on the victimizer, not the victim, though, because even if they are being very stupid and keep creating some of their own problems, they are still not the criminal. The victimizer is.

Edited March 17, 2016 by preraph

[Smoothman]

Regarding the update, just fwiw you shouldn't exactly expect the most stable of mindsets from a trauma victim. So mixed up stories and timelines aren't really unexpected. She may even be making some things up - like forex maybe there really was no second rape and she's actually still focusing on the marriage rape bc it's deeply traumatic for her. Would that make her any less a victim? Not really, but it may make her a 'flawed' victim, and most ppl are flawed, so welcome to the human race.

 

Another common phenomena w/this sort of thing is 'victim virtue' - ppl tend to perceive victims of violent crimes as pure, angelic, w/out sin, etc. That's never the case, and it's not really a fair standard. So it's entirely possible OP is perceiving her by an unfair standard of virtue, or at least an unrealistic one, and judging her the same in terms of the recent things not adding up. Most likely she was a flawed person to begin with who had her life severely complicated thru violent crime. Less idealistic, but more realistic.

 

IMO, if OP's in it for the reasons originally stated, his treatment of her shouldn't change based on the possibility that maybe she's not quite as blame-free in general as he thought. Even ppl with flaws deserve help and compassion.

Thanks Jen,

 

Yes, i had also worked my self around to this idea..it really doesn't fundamentally change anything.

 

UPDATE

So I did see her last night, and boy, what a talk we had...

We had a coffee, then walked in a park, and talked.

 

I did not bring up the specific questions I had, that simply wouldn't have worked, and I wanted to avoid triggers.

I instead instigated conversations that led her to provide answers in other ways.

 

I do believe she is putting the trauma of the first rape unto this other guy, she never talks about that aspect, simply how controlling and dominating he was.

 

At one stage I reached out to take her hand, and she snatched it away.

So I asked her about her physical boundaries, why even simply holding hands was such a difficult thing for her.

 

"Because I know where it will lead, I'm not ready for that yet"

Basically any physical interaction triggers her fears that this act would lead to sex...reassurances that it wouldn't fell on deaf ears.

 

Finally I got her to understand when I said:

"The wall around your emotions, your block to physical contact is a wall of bricks, I’m just trying to take down a few bricks at the top, to slowly reduce your barrier, it can’t all come down at once, it has to be gradual.”

She agreed that she has an “abnormal” response to touch, but that she could feel that it was diminishing, “could be one day, could be one year”

 

She also reassured me about “us” “I’m not wasting your time here…I like you a lot, I see a possibility, “Yes, I’ve talked to a couple of other people (referring to OLD), but just to ask them about their understanding of relationships.” (Note I hadn’t mentioned her activity on OLD at this stage).

 

“I’m not going to go this voyage with you, only to turn around and go off with someone else…I’m not like that, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

 

“You know how often we see each other, in between I have work, family…I don’t have time or capacity or the desire to see anyone else!”

(Again, I hadn’t mentioned anything about this, the reply came from her naturally as she talked about our future…however far off that is).

 

“[My name], I like you so much, you are so kind, so helpful, I feel my heart opening to you, but I am in therapy, dealing with all this, I don’t know how long it will take, if you want to stay by my side, I would be so happy”

 

I dropped her home, and she gave me a big hug, waked a few steps, came back, and offered her cheek for me to kiss.

Normally this would be considered a fairly inconsequential event...but in light of the situation, it was like a passionate kiss!

Edited March 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[scorpiogirl]

Thanks Jen,

 

 

 

 

 

I did not bring up the specific questions I had, that simply wouldn't have worked, and I wanted to avoid triggers.

I instead instigated conversations that led her to provide answers in other ways.

 

I do believe she is putting the trauma of the first rape unto this other guy, she never talks about that aspect, simply how controlling and dominating he was.

 

At one stage I reached out to take her hand, and she snatched it away.

 

 

"Because I know where it will lead, I'm not ready for that yet"

Basically any physical interaction triggers her fears that this act would lead to sex...reassurances that it wouldn't fell on deaf ears.

 

I dropped her home, and she gave me a big hug, waked a few steps, came back, and offered her cheek for me to kiss.

Normally this would be considered a fairly inconsequential event...but in light of the situation, it was like a passionate kiss!

 

But you have gotten further than this with her. I'm not addressing the rape thing with this comment, and whether her story is to be believed or not but given your previous physical interaction, pulling her hand away and you bring able to kiss her cheek is a backtrack. I don't know if that's a common thing to happen, where she encouraged more sexual touching and now can't hold hands. I've never been sexually assaulted so I don't know.

 

There are a lot of things to address in this relationship.

-There's too much investment for a relationship that is only weeks old.

Why do you insist on getting involved in these situations? Your women are always a pre-ball Cinderella.

 

 

- This woman is leaning tooooo heavily on you in many aspects, and you welcome that. Have you asked yourself why? In a previous post, you said you thought of yourself as a good prospect, and that you had a lot to offer a woman. I'm paraphrasing, but do you really believe that you do have more to offer other than a "saviour role"? Do you believe that if a woman didn't need you to fix something, find something, fix her, etc, that she would still think you're a good prospect?

I'm asking because I had a similar mindset till I learned to do better. I thought if I made myself indispensable to a man I was dating, by doing things for him, rather than us taking equal care of each other that he would HAVE to keep me around.

 

What would happen if you dated a woman who was not in a situation that was something she needed to get out of? She had her stuff together.

If someone, man or women, needs to be rescued and they're somehow missing huge chunks of who they are, what they need to be "complete" then what happens to the "Rescuer" when the "Rescuee" no longer needs rescuing? You each played your part in each others' stories and now need to move on. Right?

At your age, don't you want to find someone who's going to be a more permanent fixture rather than just passing through?

 

 

- whether she was sexually assaulted or not, neither of you should be getting into this deep, convoluted, intense thing. It's too much.

I stand firm that your motives are not altruistic, but you do this saving thing for yourself.

 

 

Feel free to disagree, as I'm sure you do, but from an outside perspective, I think there are a few things that you'd do well to consider.

[Smoothman]

Thanks Scorpio girl.

Since you're a astrology believer, we are both cancer..wait, more that that we have the exact same birthday!

 

But you have gotten further than this with her. I'm not addressing the rape thing with this comment, and whether her story is to be believed or not but given your previous physical interaction, pulling her hand away and you bring able to kiss her cheek is a backtrack. I don't know if that's a common thing to happen, where she encouraged more sexual touching and now can't hold hands. I've never been sexually assaulted so I don't know.

She has never "encouraged" sexual touching..at all.

The cheek kiss was a step forward, not backwards...just thought I'd clarify that.

There are a lot of things to address in this relationship.

-There's too much investment for a relationship that is only weeks old.

Why do you insist on getting involved in these situations? Your women are always a pre-ball Cinderella.

 

- This woman is leaning tooooo heavily on you in many aspects, and you welcome that. Have you asked yourself why? In a previous post, you said you thought of yourself as a good prospect, and that you had a lot to offer a woman. I'm paraphrasing, but do you really believe that you do have more to offer other than a "saviour role"? Do you believe that if a woman didn't need you to fix something, find something, fix her, etc, that she would still think you're a good prospect?

Almost all of the woman I have dated, or had relationships with, have been "just fine, thank you very much", in that they didn't have some broken aspect I felt I should fix.

I don't habitually, or even frequently date "troubled" woman...

So the other woman who find me attractive do so because..I'm attractive, not because I'm their savior.

What would happen if you dated a woman who was not in a situation that was something she needed to get out of? She had her stuff together.

You mean, like all the other woman I've dated...?

I think you've gotten me wrong...

At your age, don't you want to find someone who's going to be a more permanent fixture rather than just passing through?

Definitely!

Neither of you should be getting into this deep, convoluted, intense thing. It's too much.

Not sure what "deep convoluted" thing you are referring to.

She's had trauma in her past, and is working through it.

I stand firm that your motives are not altruistic, but you do this saving thing for yourself.

 

Feel free to disagree, as I'm sure you do, but from an outside perspective, I think there are a few things that you'd do well to consider.

I am doing this because she is a wonderful, kind, warm-hearted person who just happens to have had this horrible experience in her past.

 

Am I attracted to her...of course!

 

Am I with her to "save her"?

 

No!

 

I'm with her because right now, in my current situation, I want to.

Not because I "need" to save her...but because I like and respect her, and want to get to know her better.

 

In any case, it's not up to me to "save her"

 

She has to do that herself, for her reasons...not because of me,not by leaning on me, or using me as a crutch.

 

She is NOT doing these things, she is independently seeking help.

 

I hope that clears some things up.

[katiegrl]

Smoothman, just read your second update, and this woman is simply not attracted to you. Period.

 

I mean, refusing to even hold your hand? Come on now. Friends hold hands for crikey's sakes...it's a form of affection, not at all sexual. And for her to suggest it is, well sorry not buying it.

 

I thinks she *wants* to be attracted to you, but given her history of rape/abuse and staying with these men during and after the abuse, indicates, for one reason or another, these are the types of men and dysfunctional relationships she is drawn to and attracted to.

 

Not uncommon actually, it's often a vicious cycle for abuse victims.... she knows intellectually such men are bad for her, but still she cannot help but be attracted to them, as dysfunctional as she knows it is.

 

She can't help it... just as you can't help but feel attracted to women who need fixing and saving! You as much as admitted it earlier saying you enjoy the role of "savior" to these women, and it's become a pattern..

 

Not judging, just trying to make a point.

 

She is attracted to men who are dominant and forceful, that has been her history....and that is a very hard pattern to break!

 

I also suspect since she has been on line, and given her cold and moody behavior the other night, I suspect she had met a man she *was* (is) attracted to but he dumped her.

 

"That" is most likely the reason she was cold the other night, and ended things (depressed) then woke up, and realized how nice and caring you are, so called ....but still she feels no attraction....as much as she would like to, it's just not happening for her.

 

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I won't say she is "using" you per se, although she could be.

 

On the other hand she may be hoping that someday, she "might" start feeling attracted to you...and until then will take full advantage of your kindness, compassion, emotional generosity and *friendship*.

 

Something to consider anyway... good luck.

 

I hope someday, she is able to find some peace ....you too!

Edited March 18, 2016 by katiegrl

[Smoothman]

Smoothman, just read your second update, and this womsn is simply not attracted to you. Period.

 

I mean, refusing to even hold your hand? Come on now. Friends hold hands for crikey's sakes...it's a form of affection, not at all sexual. And for her to suggest it is, well sorry not buying it.

 

I thinks she *wants* to be attracted to you, but given her history of rape/abuse and staying with these men during and after the abuse, indicates, for one reason or another, these are the types of men and dysfunctional relationships she is drawn to and attracted to.

 

Not uncommon actually, it's often a vicious cycle for abuse victims.... she knows intellectually such men are bad for her, but still she cannot help but be attracted to them, as dysfunctional as she knows it is.

 

She can't help it... just as you can't help but feel attracted to women who need fixing! You as much as admitted it earlier saying you enjoy feeling like "a savior" to these women, and it's become a pattern..

 

Not judging, just trying to make a point.

 

She is attracted to men who are dominant and forceful, that has been her history....and that is a very hard pattern to break!

 

I also suspect since she has been on line, and given her cold and moody behavior the other night, I suspect she had met a man she *was* (is) attracted to but he dumped her.

 

"That" is most likely the reason she was cold the other night, then woke up, and realized how nice and caring you are, so called ....but still she feels no attraction....as much as she would like to, it's just not happening for her.

 

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I won't say she is "using" you per se, although she could be.

 

On the other hand she may be hoping that someday, she "might" start feeling attracted to you...and until then will take full advantage of your kindness, compassion, emotional generosity and *friendship*.

 

Something to consider anyway... good luck.

 

I hope someday, she is able to find some peace ....you too!

Let's go along with your theory.

 

You say she's not attracted to me, but is telling me she is so as to keep me around..right?

 

She wanted to keep me "hooked", interested in her so she can have my assistance...

 

Then she would have held my hand!

 

It's not a big deal...why pretend that you're attracted to someone (when you aren't) but not do this simple thing to add to the "story"

 

The only reason to react like she did is because hand-holding is a step towards intimacy in her mind.

 

As you say for MOST people it's not a sexual thing...

 

To her it is...we talked about this for maybe half and hour...

[scorpiogirl]

Thanks Scorpio girl.

Since you're a astrology believer, we are both cancer..wait, more that that we have the exact same birthday!

 

 

She has never "encouraged" sexual touching..at all.

The cheek kiss was a step forward, not backwards...just thought I'd clarify that.

 

Almost all of the woman I have dated, or had relationships with, have been "just fine, thank you very much", in that they didn't have some broken aspect I felt I should fix.

I don't habitually, or even frequently date "troubled" woman...

So the other woman who find me attractive do so because..I'm attractive, not because I'm their savior.

 

You mean, like all the other woman I've dated...?

I think you've gotten me wrong...

 

Definitely!

 

Not sure what "deep convoluted" thing you are referring to.

She's had trauma in her past, and is working through it.

 

I am doing this because she is a wonderful, kind, warm-hearted person who just happens to have had this horrible experience in her past.

 

Am I attracted to her...of course!

 

Am I with her to "save her"?

 

No!

 

I'm with her because right now, in my current situation, I want to.

Not because I "need" to save her...but because I like and respect her, and want to get to know her better.

 

In any case, it's not up to me to "save her"

 

She has to do that herself, for her reasons...not because of me,not by leaning on me, or using me as a crutch.

 

She is NOT doing these things, she is independently seeking help.

 

I hope that clears some things up.

 

 

Actually I don't believe in Astrology. I just never know what to choose as a username.

 

 

You may not have mentioned the intimate touching you've done under this username, but there was some. I won't point it out given that you asked posters not to. But there was more than a peck on the cheek.

 

You don't think this relationship is an intense convoluted one?

The rape(s), molestation, your emotions are not up and down due to her behaviours and mix ups in stories? A relationship at this stage should be excitement, butterflies, good stuff.

 

Yes, we help each other through tough situations, but it shouldn't be THIS complicated just weeks in.

 

However, it seems you're just fine. So enjoy your new relationship.

[katiegrl]

Smoothman, I refer you to your own quoted words in post 125 ...re admitting you feel attracted to women who need saving.

 

Why are denying that now?

[scorpiogirl]

Smoothman, I refer you to your own quoted words in post 125 ...re admitting you feel attracted to women who need saving.

 

Why are denying that now?

 

Exactly...

[Smoothman]

Yes, attracted to, but no solely dating to the exclusion of all others.

This is not a deliberate thing, I don't seek out troubled people...

I have recognized this aspect of my personality...I don't embrace it or seek to fulfill it.

[katiegrl]

Let's go along with your theory.

 

You say she's not attracted to me, but is telling me she is so as to keep me around..right?

 

She wanted to keep me "hooked", interested in her so she can have my assistance...

 

Then she would have held my hand!

 

It's not a big deal...why pretend that you're attracted to someone (when you aren't) but not do this simple thing to add to the "story"

 

The only reason to react like she did is because hand-holding is a step towards intimacy in her mind.

 

As you say for MOST people it's not a sexual thing...

 

To her it is...we talked about this for maybe half and hour...

 

One of your problems is believing everything she tells you.

 

Do you really think she is going to admit she is not attracted to you?

 

SM, if she is so fearful of even the most minimal form of physical touch, why the hell is she on a dating website?

 

I mean what is she thinking, that the men she meets simply want to be *friends*?

 

Of course they don't, people are on dating websites to date, which includes kissing, touching etc. And if she were attracted to you, she would want to kiss and touch you!

 

Just like she kissed and touched, and had sex with her recent ex, who she claims raped her, but even you admit you doubt her story now after learning more details.

 

I think you are minimizing and in a bit of denial about this whole thing.

[ilovemefirst]

Why are you asking for advice if you are getting so defensive about this? Everyone just wants you to be careful and take this slow. You seem to be getting attached too quick..you just started dating her, correct?

[katiegrl]

 

 

**Yes, *attracted to*, but no solely dating to the exclusion of all others.

 

 

This is not a deliberate thing, I don't seek out troubled people...

I have recognized this aspect of my personality...I don't embrace it or seek to fulfill it.

 

Isn't that exactly what I said?

 

That she can't help the type of man she she is *attracted to* (dominant, aggressive, forceful) obviously! given her history......just like YOU can't help the type of women YOU are *attracted to* (women who need saving).

 

It's not deliberate for either of you.... it just is what it is ...

Edited March 18, 2016 by katiegrl

[Smoothman]

OK, I'll admit, I don't understand her OLD activity...

I mean, what is she there for...?

She is very frequently online...

I asked her why, she told me she just chats...

That is a big concern, I suggested she take her profile down once, because she's not ready to date...

 

She told me that was an inappropriate suggestion...got quite offended.

[BettyDraper]

Smoothman, I refer you to your own quoted words in post 125 ...re admitting you feel attracted to women who need saving.

 

Why are denying that now?

 

I'm glad that someone else noticed the inconsistency.

 

I thought I was losing my mind!