Dating a rape victim

[Smoothman]

Hello everyone,

 

I am using a new account to protect the identity of the person, if you figure it out, please be respectful and don't post here any information from other posts...or identify my other account.

 

I have a very serious question that I would like to gather your feedback on.

I recently met a woman online, and we started dating...we clicked immediately, we got along amazingly well, talked for hours, etc...

 

She was very cautious with intimacy however, and told me that she wanted to go very slow

 

However, right from the first date she started talking about her ex boyfriend.

 

At first this was just the typical "he was so bad, selfish, controlling, misogynistic etc" but I could tell there as something else going on here.

 

After a while she opened up to me that in fact he had raped her...as time went on she told me more and more, she was really confiding in me.

The event happened 9 months ago, he assaulted her in the second week...

 

OK, first things first, a lot of men would bale at this point, putting this firmly into the "too hard" basket.

 

But I"m not, I'm sticking with this woman, I feel a very strong connection to me, and she is showing me signs that she is very interested in pursuing a relationship with me too.

 

We haven't kissed yet, I tried once, and she got very uncomfortable, but that was before the revelations about the rape...

 

Now I know, so I have decided to seek help.

Lots of website offer advice, but I like the people here, and want to hear what you guys think.

 

she suggested once that she is too much trouble to date, maybe I should look for another girl, bit I told her in no uncertain terms that I intend to stay by her side and help her through this, because I see a real future with her.

 

She is growing very close to me, last night she told me more detail than every before, and I again reiterated my support, she asked me if I was dating anyone else (no longer), if my ex girlfriend was still in the picture (god no!)...and other questions suggesting that she is reassuring herself I'm trustworthy.

 

I gave her a massage last week, and whilst that made her "uncomfortable" it also drew her closer to me, I think her ability to let me do that was a big step for her, in a room, door shut, allowing a man to touch her body...

 

After that she really started to ramp up the positive comments,

She even suggested she would stay overnight, although this would not be to have sex with her, as we aren't ready for that yet...I guess?

You see we didn't talk about what her staying over would entail...

 

So, please, how do in approach this?

 

I know I have to let her make the first moves in any aspect of our physical relationship, but I really want to kiss her, to get this firmly into the relationship zone, and out of the counselor/friend zone.

 

I will respect her physical boundaries, I would sleep beside her with no sex to assist building her trust, but i want to avoid as best as I can setting off any triggers.

 

Finally, NO, I am not going to heed any advice suggesting I run away from this...please...just assume I have decided to see this through...and leave it at that.

 

Thanks!

[preraph]

I guess the question is whether her issue will be touch making her in some way relive the rape or if she's past that point and it's really just a matter of finding it very hard to trust.

 

You said she was uncomfortable about the kiss, but how is she if you put your arm around her or hold her hand? You might even ask her if being touched at all freaks her out because it reminds her of the rape or if it's just a matter of being able to trust.

 

 

If it's still panicky at touch, she probably needs to keep working on herself in therapy or a victim support group to get past that point. But if it's just trust, honestly, you just let her know you are not the type who is callous and doesn't mind hurting people and that you'd be honest with her if things don't work out and not just leave her dangling or whatever, but that you are in it with good intentions. You might even ask if she wants some recommendations from past dates or girlfriends (I know that can be chancey, but maybe there's one that the breakup wasn't bitter who could just vouch for you being a good guy.) Or if not the ex-gf herself, maybe one of her girlfriends who is still a speaking acquaintance. Good luck.

 

You know, one in four women have been assaulted one way or another in their lifetimes, and most of them happen by their early 20s. So there's a lot more out there that don't even bring it up but are affected by it. She's honest. Let's just hope she's come along far enough that with the right man she can overcome it.

[carhill]

I ran into this stuff a fair amount as a young man and my takeaway was two-fold:

 

1. There's no way I could verify anything because no criminal charges were filed.

 

2. I came to understand that early disclosure, like before even dating much, always ended up in the emotional tampon zone so tended to be skeptical. However, in my case it was usually MW's talking about abuse and rape by their husbands. Essentially, it was an emotional hook to activate 'protect and serve' male instincts and these folks were experts at it.

 

Now, I did get married many years later and got a similar revelation but it was long after sex had begun and before we married when we were talking about having kids and she revealed her assault, pregnancy and abortion and later counseling to deal with it. This was duplicated in MC much later, right down to precise specifics, so I tended to believe her.

 

When I was your age, boy the instinct was strong to believe women and rescue them from all that ailed them. Then I grew up.

 

My only advice is.....Take it slow and, if you feel positive about things, keep showing up. Don't ignore feeling negative by giving BOTD. Pay attention to everything. Good luck!

[LostOnes05]

Smoothman, you missed a huge red flag. A woman that tells you she is too much trouble to date and that you should find someone else to date has given you fair warning of what is to come. But since you're willing to see it through, fine. Just be careful becoming overly invested.

 

Don't say anything about her staying with you. It will only make her second guess her decision. As you said, you have to let her make any sexual advances. It's all about her comfort level.

[Smoothman]

I ran into this stuff a fair amount as a young man and my takeaway was two-fold:

 

1. There's no way I could verify anything because no criminal charges were filed.

 

2. I came to understand that early disclosure, like before even dating much, always ended up in the emotional tampon zone so tended to be skeptical. However, in my case it was usually MW's talking about abuse and rape by their husbands. Essentially, it was an emotional hook to activate 'protect and serve' male instincts and these folks were experts at it.

 

Now, I did get married many years later and got a similar revelation but it was long after sex had begun and before we married when we were talking about having kids and she revealed her assault, pregnancy and abortion and later counseling to deal with it. This was duplicated in MC much later, right down to precise specifics, so I tended to believe her.

 

When I was your age, boy the instinct was strong to believe women and rescue them from all that ailed them. Then I grew up.

 

My only advice is.....Take it slow and, if you feel positive about things, keep showing up. Don't ignore feeling negative by giving BOTD. Pay attention to everything. Good luck!

 

You skepticism is astonishing, are You suggesting that woman frequently lie about a rape to get the mans' interest...??!!

 

Man, I think YOU need therapy!

 

She went to a doctor yesterday, I think because she's met me, she's decided to do something about this.

 

The doctor has written an extensive report.

 

She has a recording of the assault, she had her phone recording at the time.

 

She is considering her options around reporting him to the police, knowing that it will mean dragging things out for months/years to come.

 

Tonight I am helping her with some court documents.

 

This is real...

[carhill]

Nah, I just have more life experience with women than you do.

 

Note my first point. Nothing could be verified. If it could, then it's verified.

 

Then note my advice. Take it slow.

 

Lastly, as I already stated, my exW and I had professional counseling with a psychologist and she stated her rape issues in that counseling.

 

Reading comprehension. Get it. Next.

[Smoothman]

Nah, I just have more life experience with women than you do.

 

Note my first point. Nothing could be verified. If it could, then it's verified.

 

Then note my advice. Take it slow.

 

Lastly, as I already stated, my exW and I had professional counseling with a psychologist and she stated her rape issues in that counseling.

 

Reading comprehension. Get it. Next.

 

SHE HAS A RECORDING!

She's filing charges.

She has a doctor's report!

 

Reading comprehension. Got it?

[alphamale]

However, right from the first date she started talking about her ex boyfriend.

this is a very bad sign

 

Finally, NO, I am not going to heed any advice suggesting I run away from this

run away...as fast as u can

[Smoothman]

this is a very bad sign

 

 

run away...as fast as u can

This is quite a serious post...can you be a little more respectful...this isn't contributing at all...

[Jabron1]

This is quite a serious post...can you be a little more respectful...this isn't contributing at all...

 

He's telling it like it is though. But, I don't think you like the advice.

 

You should be looking to date women - not save them.

[Smoothman]

He's telling it like it is though. But, I don't think you like the advice.

 

You should be looking to date women - not save them.

 

I am more attracted to woman I feel need "saving"...

I have no idea why, but my past relationships sure have that theme in common.

And besides...what happens to woman in this situation?

If all men just go "oh God, too hard" and disappear on her...how does that work?

 

Someone needs to stand up for her...help her...

[Jabron1]

If all men just go "oh God, too hard" and disappear on her...how does that work?

 

It's not about being 'too hard', or 'giving up'. You are soothing your own ego by telling yourself that. It's about having the self-respect to walk away from a situation where your needs aren't being met, and probably never will be.

 

Look, she is using you for comfort - like a teddy bear. The problem is that, one of these days, that teddy bear is going to get a hard on. She won't want that. She will want you to be the cute teddy bear.

 

If your happy with that, then fine. Just don't expect other people to join you in your superhero delusion.

[LostOnes05]

Dude, please heed the advice of everyone. Sure if she needs support, support her. But ultimately her healing must come from within. No matter what you do, if she isn't ready for that next step...you're out and you've only served yourself up as a counselor/bff.

[Veb]

You said the attack happened 9 months ago, in the second week.

Was this in a relationship? Did she continue to stay with him after that?

 

If so it will be important for her to get a good therapist for extensive counseling.

She needs help with finding herself.

 

If she stayed with someone who assaulted her, then she needs help with figuring out why she stayed. Professional help is essential.

 

If she did not stay, then she still needs help, as mentioned below, but it may be less of a recovery time.

 

I was sexually assaulted a long time ago, by a stranger, after I left my gym one early evening (he was also a member).

 

This was in Australia. Every state has free sexual assault referral centres. They have good counselors there, and advice was free.

 

Her doctor will know the details.

 

It would be good if she discussed everything with a counselor, including if she wants to report this to police.

 

I am a strong person, but I needed the help of the specialist counseling to deal with my own state of mind, plus making a police report.

 

A report makes one relive everything, it is like being assaulted again and that might be too much for her at this time. Only a counselor can help her determine what is best for her, you can not help with that part.

 

However, I am sure there are practical things you can support her with. Let her see a professional for the psychological trauma.

[LostOnes05]

You said the attack happened 9 months ago, in the second week.

Was this in a relationship? Did she continue to stay with him after that?

 

If so it will be important for her to get a good therapist for extensive counseling.

She needs help with finding herself.

 

If she stayed with someone who assaulted her, then she needs help with figuring out why she stayed. Professional help is essential.

 

If she did not stay, then she still needs help, as mentioned below, but it may be less of a recovery time.

 

I was sexually assaulted a long time ago, by a stranger, after I left my gym one early evening (he was also a member).

 

This was in Australia. Every state has free sexual assault referral centres. They have good counselors there, and advice was free.

 

Her doctor will know the details.

 

It would be good if she discussed everything with a counselor, including if she wants to report this to police.

 

I am a strong person, but I needed the help of the specialist counseling to deal with my own state of mind, plus making a police report.

 

A report makes one relive everything, it is like being assaulted again and that might be too much for her at this time. Only a counselor can help her determine what is best for her, you can not help with that part.

 

However, I am sure there are practical things you can support her with. Let her see a professional for the psychological trauma.

 

Much respect to you for sharing. Hopefully, they served harsh justice to that coward [].

Edited March 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[whichwayisup]

First off, put sex and intimacy OUT of your mind for a long time with her. Not just days or weeks, but months and months. Allow her to dictate and make the first move when it comes to fooling around.

 

Secondly, she's not ready to handle a relationship yet, that much is clear. This isn't just about sex it's about her emotional well being and since she was in an abusive relationship, she was raped, she needs a good therapist to help her process it all and cope with it in a healthy way. You can suggest she go to counseling, just don't become her therapist as it'll turn into another type of unhealthy relationship in the long run.

 

It hasn't even been a year! She may have blocked pain, blocked memories, feelings etc and if sex and intimacy happen too quickly it's going to mess her up even more. Be loving, kind, be a friend but be careful (again don't become her therapist) and just allow whatever to happen but realize she's mistrustful and has emotional baggage.

[whichwayisup]

I am more attracted to woman I feel need "saving"...

I have no idea why, but my past relationships sure have that theme in common.

And besides...what happens to woman in this situation?

If all men just go "oh God, too hard" and disappear on her...how does that work?

 

Someone needs to stand up for her...help her...

 

Knight in shining armor syndrome is what it's called.

 

What about her family? Her parents? Siblings? You can only do so much and honestly if you truly want to help her then put your own feelings and any intentions you have for her aside until she is totally ready for a real healthy relationship, otherwise you won't stand a chance with her. She in her own way has already told you she's not worth it. She's being honest, she isn't in a place where she can function normally in a good relationship and give to you because she doesn't know what a good relationship is. This is why her seeking counseling asap is crucial here and for now, stay in the friend zone, from a loving and kind place expecting nothing from her other than seeing her get well again.

[Smoothman]

Knight in shining armor syndrome is what it's called.

 

What about her family? Her parents? Siblings? You can only do so much and honestly if you truly want to help her then put your own feelings and any intentions you have for her aside until she is totally ready for a real healthy relationship, otherwise you won't stand a chance with her. She in her own way has already told you she's not worth it. She's being honest, she isn't in a place where she can function normally in a good relationship and give to you because she doesn't know what a good relationship is. This is why her seeking counseling asap is crucial here and for now, stay in the friend zone, from a loving and kind place expecting nothing from her other than seeing her get well again.

She is seeking counselling, her friends and family are really helping her.

But she seems to need to see me, to talk to me, I don't know why...

She sees me as that gentle heart she so wants to find...

 

I'm fully aware that sex and intimacy are a long way off, but I don't care, I've had so many "sex on second date" relationships I think I need a long term plan.

 

If she remains a friend, great I have a good friend...

I will simply go along with this, and see what happens.

I really don't have anything to lose...

[SincereOnlineGuy]

.

 

 

The person who is randomly the victim of sexual assault or the like, for the first time, in adulthood, is not likely to be as fragile as what you describe. (perhaps except in the off chance that you were the first person to encounter her after the trauma)

 

So that implies that you have so far hinted at minimal instinct to really explore her past to find out what is reeeeeeeeeally back there.

 

 

You seem to be taking this waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too lightly, and while lots of good people like to invest in a project, there is every chance that you don't (at least yet) have significant understanding of what you're getting yourself into.

 

NOT that the person isn't/(couldn't be) worth the investment, but your investment needs to be a WHOLE lot deeper than the seemingly insignificant one you have in mind.

 

 

AND after all is said and done, you really could come to learn that, because of a long, steady history of her having been repeatedly abused, mistreated, and assaulted at the hands of men, (mere) YOU simply might not even qualify to pique her romantic interest in the slightest.

 

(* I say that while simultaneously allowing for the chance that you could turn right around, and go introduce yourself to the woman's neighbor, and have her in turn identify you as the greatest male on the planet as well as someone that {the neighbor} wants to hang onto for a lifetime)

 

 

Some just... were victimized so early... and so steadily,... for SO long... that **you** (and I) are simply not truly eligible to be anything that they want, long-term, in a male companion.

 

 

But yeah, you're the nice guy, who is willing to make an investment... but you need more information!!!!... so that you can at least anticipate the path on which you'll soon be... in addition to whether or not there is any true prayer that she'll want you on that path in 6 months or 6 years.

Edited March 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted all the text of original post; too long... ~6

[TXGuy]

I am more attracted to woman I feel need "saving"...

I have no idea why, but my past relationships sure have that theme in common.

And besides...what happens to woman in this situation?

If all men just go "oh God, too hard" and disappear on her...how does that work?

 

Someone needs to stand up for her...help her...

 

Things might be just as you believe them to be. Things might work out like you think they will.

 

There is an equal chance she will be having a very similar conversation with another guy in 6 months to one year. But that time, you will be portrayed as the abusive bad guy.

 

Be the white knight if you like, but be aware that this might turn out badly for you.

[RJ2000]

You don't owe her anything Smoothman. You hardly know her. Why all this stuff about "who will save her if I won't?" What about YOU? What does she do for you?

 

Right from the get these kinds of relationships are too one-sided. I know because I was in one for 9 years. It took that long to realize it. You can't be a woman's caretaker and have a normal, healthy sexual relationship. She has to be able to listen to YOUR stuff when you're having a bad day. Relationships are partnerships.

 

Just think about it, man. Be her friend -- always -- but think twice about wanting to be her lover. You may be wasting time.

[todreaminblue]

over years here on loveshack threads come up about dating a rape victim...there's always doubt thrown in for good measure on a woman who claims to have been raped...which is sad....i myself was doubted on loveshack for my story..which is extreme i must admit and hard to believe...but fortunately or unfortunately its true.......but the most common responses were more to walk away than stay with a woman w3ho who has rape in her history.....

 

now i do know that therapy helps....and like another poster said healing comes from within and sometimes it takes years or months if lucky to have a relationship and or life that isnt triggered at every close and intimate moment.....

 

i still to this day have issues..with vulnerability and trust....its been decades...dont think ill ever be ....normal......i was however in a serious relationship for fifteen years.....it ended ...and we are friends....

 

what a rape victim needs is that gentle heart you spoke of......that compassion that understanding that support not to heal...but to be in a relationship with a person such as that......well...its ideal.....for growth and change......imagine if you didnt have a gentle heart.....if you werent understanding....

 

people are attracted to people for all sorts of reasons....and having had trauma in my past...i just want peace....i am attracted to good hearted guys.......i want a gentle guy who takes his time..i normally end up with extroverts because those guys ask.........because i am not really a forward person....maybe that is why it hasnt worked out for me.......i do however like a guy who stands up for himself and ...would stand beside me too..i dont want a guy too push around ...at all..not for protection or healing..or control issues......I just a guy who knows his own mind and isnt a dick head and has that gentle heart.....and just like most women want....rape survivors....they want the same thing..its not about conning or manipulating aa nice guy.....all it is really about is they want.a guy who truly loves them and takes time to understand and is gentle when he needs to be gentle....like your lady friend does .....i think every woman deserves this not just rape survivors....although rape survivors when in a relationship that is right and true..are more likely to grow and flourish..........i dont think its much to ask for really as a rape survivor is understanding....check out couples therapy options they may be really beneficial...or group talk therapy might be another option for you two to grow stronger together..and op....i really wish you and yours well....hang in there.......deb

Edited March 10, 2016 by todreaminblue

[preraph]

I would just like to put out the rather disgusting rhetoric that a rape victim can't go on to have a good relationship. This is nonsense. Depending on the level of trauma of the encounter and the general strength and insight of the victim, it can affect them to varying degrees for varying lengths of time. But I've known people who got right back in the saddle and simply filed it away as "there are creeps out there and it's no reflection on me."

 

And unfortunately, I have to debunk the posters' nonsense about women using this as a ploy. Oh, my god, I can't even believe I just read that - twice. One in four women are assaulted violently, some rape, some not. All of those things have about the same effect on a woman. I am just so offended by that.

 

Thank goodness there are caring understanding men out there like the author of this post.

 

I do agree it's limited what you personally can do, but the best you can do is listen and just offer unwaivering support and be dependable and solid as a rock.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

what a rape victim needs is that gentle heart you spoke of....

 

 

With human psychology being what it is... people search for mates based not on what they neeeeeeeeeed, but instead they search for mates based on what/who they WANT.

 

 

And the OP neeeeeeeeeeeeds to realize that it is entirely realistic that people who have a long history of chaos in their environments will most likely evolve to seek that same chaos surrounding their mates of choice. (for worse, or for worse)

 

 

So for us here not knowing the full depth to which the subject of the OP has been affected, and over what period of time... we just can't speculate for sure.

 

The OP's mindset is noble... aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that quite often pays-off, long-term, for both parties... but, if the woman wants the effect of a guy who has an abusive edge to his personality (whether active or dormant), there is just no way that the nice guy she needs will suffice for the long haul. (and the OP should have that understanding in mind, going in...)

 

 

(Could she reach that point in time? Sure... after extensive therapy... and dedication to her path toward a {safer} life... but both parties need to know what sort of time is involved in getting to that point)

[startinganew777]

I think you sound like such a nice and caring guy! But this happened 9 months ago. It is still too fresh in her mind and will take her probably years to get over it enough to trust someone enough to become intimate. I do think she is kinda using you as a teddy bear as another poster mentioned. A friend and if that is cool with you, well go right ahead but as far as this becoming a romantic relationship, that might not ever happen.

 

 

Like you I always dated guys I wanted to save. I am a very empathic person and it felt good to me if I felt like I could help them out in someway. I dated guys that had depression, who were bipolar, I was in relationships with drug addicts, I married an alcoholic and after we divorced I got involved with a narcissistic sociopath. All because he seemed so lost and I wanted to help him. Well he ended up physically abusing me and I had to get a restraining order. These things never turn out well. You need to be in a relationship with a stable person that doesn't need help, for it to work. Someone who wants the same things and knows what they want so it isn't so one sided. Relationships are hard work anyways, you don't need the added stress of trying to help someone. I know you mean well, I always did but God, it was disaster after disaster.

Edited March 10, 2016 by startinganew777