laura9 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 (edited) I've recently got out of a 4 year relationship. Unfortunately, I've been having a rather terrible time back in the "dating scene". All the game playing and uncertainty are driving me mad so I'm here to vent about my frustrations. A month ago I started going out with this guy. It all went GREAT in the first 3 weeks. We had so much chemistry, it was insane. He was texting me constantly, complimenting me constantly, seeing each other once to twice a week. I'm sure you've heard this story before. Then, all of a sudden, he started to demonstrate less interest. Absolutely nothing happened, I just noticed that he was texting me less throughout the day and we weren't making plans to see each other again. I thought he was just playing it cool, so I decided to stop texting him so much and give him space. A week goes by and he says that he's been super busy and sick, so I ask him if he needs any help with medicine or food. He rejects the offer twice. I start to find his actions very out of character compared to what I was used to seeing. So I ask him if everything was ok with him, if we still had plans to see each other. He doesn't reply to the question directly, he just says that he's been busy and got a flu. He seems a little annoyed but calls me the next day and suggests that we met on Wednesday (today). But then, not surprisingly, the day comes and he flakes on me. He says that he's still sick and that he really should be home and rest. He knows that I'll be away for the next 1.5 weeks and he knew this was the last opportunity to meet up before I go. I can't help but remember how enthusiastic he was about seeing me 3 weeks ago. He was begging to meet up with me even for 30 min, for a coffee. And now it seems like he doesn't even care. I feel like an idiot for starting to like him only to be rejected now. I'm so upset. Today, when we were texting, I said that I had a feeling that we weren't going to see each other again. In a way I feel that I shouldn't have said these things, but I can't stand keeping my feelings to myself just to play it cool. His answer was that he was just sick, but that we would still meet up when I get back in a couple of weeks. I just can't believe a word he says. There must be something going on and I should really stop replying and move on. Am I overreacting? It's possible. I'm just so scared of getting hurt. Please, I need your advice. Edited March 9, 2016 by laura9
lilmissjava Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 You are going to experience this many times in the dating world. Don't invest too much into one person. Keep your options open. If you feel something isn't right, it probably isn't. So what do you do? Keep talking and putting yourself out there to see other people. Don't contact him, the ball is in his court. Don't wait for him to get back to you when you return either. Just continue living your life simply because he is too. He may very well be sick, but he might also be keeping his options open as well. 1
Author laura9 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Thank you. How can people do this? I wish I could be less invested in general. If I like someone, I get really excited about the possibilities. And to be honest, he came on pretty strong in the beginning, making me feel so safe about it all.
BikerAccnt Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 This is something I never understood myself. I can see not calling/or fading after a 1 or 2 dates. But I'd think after seeing someone for a few weeks you'd have the...whatever...to tell the person that it's not working for you and it's time to cut ties. Sure it hurts the person, but it's respectful. There's not enough respect for others in the world these days.
Author laura9 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 So you think he's trying to cut ties but has no balls to say it properly?
salparadise Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 My advice would be to calm down and be ok with some ambiguity. Take him at his word that he got the flu and don't second guess his motives. Time will tell. It's impossible to know what will be, and that especially applies to a three-week dating escapade. It's too soon to feel so invested. I hope things work out for you, but if they don't you will be the same person you were three weeks ago. A few other things... it's understandable that the constant texting would cool down after the first several weeks; it's not rational to expect that he should be texting all day every day. Are you holding up your end of the conversation and initiating too? The way you wrote about it makes it sound like you may be thinking it's a one-way street. Most people have to go through dating several prospective people (at least) before they meet someone who has the mutual desire to begin a full relationship. Is he the first you've gone out with more than a couple of times since your previous relationship ended? I think you just need to control your anxiety and let it unfold naturally, and be ok with it if even if it doesn't turn into anything. And don't transmit your anxiousness about the situation; that stuff can become self-fulfilling.
getsmartie Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 To me it seems that he's trying to fade out but doesn't really know how....or he could really be sick. I just feel unless he's really really sick that he would move mountains to see you most especially if you're going away for a bit. Try not to invest so much in the early weeks.
GR4 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I have a feeling you won't see him again I'm afraid to say. I've been in your shoes many a time and these things all seem to follow a very similar pattern. Good for you for being open and honest with your feelings, though. Not enough people like that about. "Playing it cool" just highlights how unconfident and how little self esteem someone really has. The confident people out there are like you; they tell it how it is. If I were you I'd get in touch with him when you get back, there is no chance of him still being ill after that but don't except a reply. If you don't hear from him delete his number and move on. 1
Author laura9 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Thank you for the advice. I definitely need to calm down. He is indeed the first I go out with since breaking up. In the beginning I was very opposed to starting something new and I told him that. He was super understanding, wanted to take things slow and seemed to really like me. He definitely managed to get me interested. Now that the chase is over, he's the one who's not interested. I screwed it up by transmitting my anxiety about his flakiness. Now he probably thinks I'm needy and annoying...
joseb Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 How long ago did you get out of the four year relationship?
risjurad Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Thank you. How can people do this? I wish I could be less invested in general. If I like someone, I get really excited about the possibilities. And to be honest, he came on pretty strong in the beginning, making me feel so safe about it all. For me, I was interested in a girl that I met in person. I talked with her then, and over the phone twice, but 2 things got me to put off on pursuing her... 1) she lives 3 hours away 2) She kept talking about how she and her family like to gamble. I likely was too quick to judge, as I've had some distant and not so distant relatives get into minor and not so minor trouble with gambling. I have yet to share this with her, so if she's thinking what you are, I gotta admit that's on me!
Author laura9 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Please be transparent and don't leave her hanging. It sucks. You don't need to give her the details, just be open about it not working out.
Author laura9 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 How long ago did you get out of the four year relationship? A few months.
zenguy Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 I don't want to draw a finite conclusion, since it sounds like he has been sick for a week and a half, which is certainly believable. Though you are also in the early part in a relationship where I know I wouldn't reject my girlfriend offering to come over and take care of me. There's definitely something off, and you are likely right to have your guard up.
lilmissjava Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 A few months. This isn't long at all. I think you should definitely keep your options open and not be so eager to jump into another relationship so soon. Keeping everything casual for now if you want to keep dating. Perhaps he sensed some quickness about you moving on so fast and is acting on it. It's a possibility.... 1
thecrucible Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 What helps me is telling myself to focus on the question "do I really like this guy?" rather then "does he like me?". And I remember that I'm not going to like a guy that isn't reliable and not that interested in me so that helps me let go of certain situations that aren't working.
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