kcs121 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 My boyfriend and i have been together for 2 months. This first month was wonderful, we were both in awe of each other, we formed a great connection, total "honeymoon" period. He is an extremely emotional person and feels very deeply, one of the things i like about him, however at the best of times he does not know what to do with his emotions. After the first month he pulled back ALOT. He said he is worried about falling and making another mistake, he has been married twice before (first marriage 8 months, second marriage 7 years - both to apparently "cold" women, who he said he didn't really love). He said he wants to really KNOW in his third marriage, that he can't be divorced three times. My problem is i was still in that honeymoon stage, and to have that taken away so abruptly, i didn't really know how to adjust. I just went back to living my life, keeping busy. I like where we are now, we have great communication about most things, we see each other usually twice a week during the week and spend most of our weekends together. Because i had to unnaturally stop that connection and that "i adore you" feeling, i feel like i have been short changed. Soon after he also had issues with his ex wife, who i know he doesn't have loving feelings for but definitly holds alot of bitterness and resentments towards her - sometimes ends up complaining to me about her. I wonder whether these "cold" wives were always that way...he says he can be selfish - that its a survival tactic for him, he only ever relied on himself so he doesn't always think about the other person. I feel like the romantic "lovey dovey" feeling has gone for him, he does say i am amazing, but its usually after supporting him through his feelings about his ex, or whatever dramas he is having. Keeping in mind it has only been 2 months, i don't know whether i am overthinking all of this, or whether i should just be okay with how things are? He's a good guy, maybe i am being too needy? Considering we talk most nights on the phone and spend 3 nights a week together, maybe i just need to chill out..
RJ2000 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Having been through one divorce, I can't imagine surviving two. Kcs121, when a marriage ends it's like someone died. My divorce was the worst thing that ever happened to me -- but now it's starting to become one of the best. Your boyfriend has baggage from all of that and clearly isn't through it. YOU should not be his shrink. He should get counseling from a pro who can help him with his bad memories and any other issues. What you need to be is his break from all that, the new thing he can be hopeful about. If I were you I'd urge him to get counseling. Finally, yes I think you're overthinking and are being needy/overeager. Spending the night 3x a week and talking every day on the phone is a lot for the second month. 1
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Soon after he also had issues with his ex wife, who i know he doesn't have loving feelings for but definitly holds alot of bitterness and resentments towards her - sometimes ends up complaining to me about her. He has feelings for her. It may not be feelings of love but he had feelings of bitterness and resentments. As long as he can't let go of these negative feelings he is not fit for a new relationship. How long ago he left his last wife? Keeping in mind it has only been 2 months, i don't know whether i am overthinking all of this, or whether i should just be okay with how things are? He's a good guy, maybe i am being too needy? Considering we talk most nights on the phone and spend 3 nights a week together, maybe i just need to chill out.. No, you should not be ok with this. At 2 months the best was just starting and he pulled the rug under your feet. It doesn't matter that he spends 3 nights with you and weekends, if he cut his emotional connection with you then he is just killing time with you, he's filling a void with your time and good feelings. All this indicates he's not over his ex, he's not over the anger and in this state of mind his heart is not free to love. I divorced twice too, and I don't put the man I am dating through this. After my divorce I sorted myself, spent time on my own, reorganized my life, reconnect with myself before I started thinking about men again. Leave it behind, it's not worth it. 1
Author kcs121 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Thank you I have been making sure i keep myself in check with the overeagerness - sometimes easier said than done! The only serious relationship i have had really has been with a very controlling person, so i am used to getting constantly bombarded with texts etc. Both this new partner and i agree that we have not been in a healthy relationship before, so we are both just feeling this one out as we go..if i don't overthink things i am pretty happy with where we are. With his words about me being amazing and supportive i feel like i am his break in what he is going through...I definitly didn't realise he had this much baggage when i met him, but i am willing to be there for him. I have problems verbalising my needs (learned at my mothers knee to be a "good woman" - sacrifice for your family etc) and I do need to make sure I look after myself first before anyone else. How to do that is still something i am learning
Lois_Griffin Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 You're only two months in. This is not a long term commitment we're talking about. I'd run so damned fast he'd have to FedEx my shadow to me the next day. He's got more baggage than the United Arilines terminal at JFK - and you're going to be the one it ALL gets dumped on. I'd run. Fast.
Author kcs121 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 All this indicates he's not over his ex, he's not over the anger and in this state of mind his heart is not free to love. Thanks Gaeta, good point. She left him a year ago. His issues around that are that she took the house, the dogs etc, and left him high and dry. Like i said he feels deeply and is extremely emotionally reactive, i feel emotionally stronger than him alot of the time. How do i bring up with him how i am feeling without sounding like a nag?
Lois_Griffin Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 With his words about me being amazing and supportive i feel like i am his break in what he is going through...I definitly didn't realise he had this much baggage when i met him, but i am willing to be there for him. Ahhh, I've made that same mistake too - thinking that the 'love of a good woman' was going to make him a better man. A healthier man. A 'fixed' man. An emotionally healthy man. Gosh I hate to be redundant, but..... Run.
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 All this indicates he's not over his ex, he's not over the anger and in this state of mind his heart is not free to love. Thanks Gaeta, good point. She left him a year ago. His issues around that are that she took the house, the dogs etc, and left him high and dry. Like i said he feels deeply and is extremely emotionally reactive, i feel emotionally stronger than him alot of the time. How do i bring up with him how i am feeling without sounding like a nag? Divorce is harder on men than it is on women. What is going through is affecting his identity as a man. Some men take years to get rid of that anger and some never do. There is nothing you can do. He needs to navigate through this himself and rebuild himself as a man. A woman doesn't 'take the house'. Be very careful there is 2 sides to each story. There is a reason why she got the house that he's not telling you. He just sees himself as a victim instead of seeing what things really are. My ex husband told his new wife I had taken everything from him when I left our marriage. Truth was I signed everything to him. I left with nothing, no car, no furniture, no money. His new wife got really suspicious because what he was telling her didn't add up so one day she called me for something irrelevant and asked if it was true I had left with everything. This is when I learn he had told the entire world I had taken everything from him so he appeared like a victim and I like the bad person.
xcupid Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 You're not "needy." Your reactions are natural. His are natural for him because of his past relationships. He's carrying a lot of baggage, resentment, and probably anger. Chances are you'll have to adjust to him and listen to a lot about his past relationship(s). Honeymoon is definitely over for the both of you, I'd say which is too bad - it's the fun time in a relationship.
angel.eyes Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 As you rightfully pointed out, this is the honeymoon period in a relationship, where everything should be coming up roses. Yet at 8-9 weeks, you're already struggling with his emotional withdrawal and numerous issues related to his last relationship. He needs time to work through his personal demons before he will be in a place to trust anyone and engage in an open, caring relationship. He's emotionally unavailable right now and nowhere near ready to be dating or in another relationship. At two months, it's not your job to save him and get him through his difficult emotions regarding his exes. That's what close friends and a therapist are for, not the new girl he just started dating. Stop trying to be his savior and key support. Nothing healthy will come of this for you.
Popsicle Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 It doesn't sound like he has an open heart. He may not be the one for you. You may have to let him go.
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