fitnessfan365 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 I think part of it may have to do with your self esteem Abby. That's why you keep settling. But in general, looks have nothing to do with character. So by repeatedly going for guys that you aren't attracted to figuring they'll treat you better, all you wind up doing is feeling resentment. Also, men are more intuitive than women think. So what if these average guys are picking up on you not being 100% into it, and that's why they end up pulling away? Just some food for thought.
Gaeta Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 I think part of it may have to do with your self esteem Abby. That's why you keep settling. But in general, looks have nothing to do with character. So by repeatedly going for guys that you aren't attracted to figuring they'll treat you better, all you wind up doing is feeling resentment. Also, men are more intuitive than women think. So what if these average guys are picking up on you not being 100% into it, and that's why they end up pulling away? Just some food for thought. She derailed this entire thread by mentioning she thought he was a dork at first. It was an unnecessary comment that gave people the wrong impression. She fell for him, she had butterflies and was infatuated. She moved past the dork look. She also said in her previous threads how he was the nicest man she dated and he treats her better than anyone else. It doesn't feel like settling.
Larryville Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 * a woman that puts her cards on the table on 2nd date and expressing her desire to have marriage and children Her first post… I've become exclusive with guys who are nice and I think good for me, but may not be quite what I'm looking for either lookswise or other. Ok this is what I don’t understand. She did not indicate where they met I’m guessing thru a friend… I am also starting to try to date Ina different way. I already put up my dating profile (barf) and have been talking to a few potential guys. The friends I have who wanted kids and dated guys who 100% didnt are now married with kids. In the initial conversations before you start dating, you ask and be clear about what you want or are seeking. Of course dudes will be deceptive if they are getting regular sex, but whatever your relationship goals are you lay that out long before you become exclusive. Maybe this is a “man’s perspective” vs a “woman’s perspective” thing.
Gaeta Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 The last guy I dated was a pretty big dork and not to sound vain, but not as attractive or witty or intelligent as I'm used to but he was nice and caring and treated me well. I brushed off a lot of more superficial things. Just to clarify things. Did you move past the 'dork' look? Did you fall for this man ? While you dated did you still see him as this big dork and you could do better OR you grew into him and his dorky side became cute and endearing ?
fitnessfan365 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 She derailed this entire thread by mentioning she thought he was a dork at first. It was an unnecessary comment that gave people the wrong impression. She fell for him, she had butterflies and was infatuated. She moved past the dork look. She also said in her previous threads how he was the nicest man she dated and he treats her better than anyone else. It doesn't feel like settling. In her first post, she mentions "guys" and talks about a history of what she feels like is settling. So I was responding more towards that in general.
Toodaloo Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 So here is what I read when I read her post. So I was with this guy. I don't think he was good looking I think he is an idiot but he was nice to me so I figured what the heck. THEN he had the gall to dump ME when I am so much better than he is?! How dare he? He is supposed to carry on being kind to me until I decide that I can't be bothered any more or find a better pair of shoes (opps slipped up there), a bloke I think is better than him. I have just been rejected by a lesser mortal and owch that hurts! I just can't believe he figured out I didn't have much respect or care for him and now he is gone and no one is buying my supper or wasting their time pandering to my ego. I am fed up so I am going to blame mankind for it and sulk. I state again. Never settle.
Gaeta Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 So here is what I read when I read her post. So I was with this guy. I don't think he was good looking I think he is an idiot but he was nice to me so I figured what the heck. THEN he had the gall to dump ME when I am so much better than he is?! How dare he? He is supposed to carry on being kind to me until I decide that I can't be bothered any more or find a better pair of shoes (opps slipped up there), a bloke I think is better than him. I have just been rejected by a lesser mortal and owch that hurts! I just can't believe he figured out I didn't have much respect or care for him and now he is gone and no one is buying my supper or wasting their time pandering to my ego. I am fed up so I am going to blame mankind for it and sulk. I state again. Never settle. Yep it sounds like that doesn't it. That's because she is hurt. Have a peak at her other threads where she talks about feeling butterflies.
Larryville Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Have a peak at her other threads where she talks about feeling butterflies. Ok... Tried to do the right thing by saying I wanted kids... I told my boyfriend I wanted kids and marriage on our 2nd date (before we were exclusive) Anyway, I get a text today saying, "FYI I never want kids. Thought I should tell you now since it would be harder later.' My new boyfriend is probably a nicer, more giving guy but his texts are SO DAMN BORING. I am almost to month three with a guy. The first few dates were absolutely incredible. Every date felt momentous. I'd leave his place with enormous butterflies and a few minutes later see he'd texted me about how much he likes me. Now...it's normal. It's a relationship. Some nights aren't momentous. Some nights we don't have sex. Some nights are more boring than others. When do you talk about moving in with a significant other? I am in the process of buying a house with a sibling and I feel my current bf is a little sad. we've only been dating 4 months and the house plan came before him. not sure if i should just stick out apartment life until we get engaged but that's assuming we even get engaged. Talking about being engaged? Can I date my ex-boyfriend's best friend? I dated a guy for about 4 months. It's been a year since we broke up and we did no contact so he's been out of my mind for quite a while. During our time together, his best friend from home visited. Best friend was awesome. We had a connection for sure but obviously didn't act on it. He moved to town and contacted me via match.com. Is he off limits?? I want kids but keep getting OLD messages from guys who don't In my area, match.com seems to be the place for divorced or separated men with 2+ kids who don't want any more. They are looking for a girl who doesn't mind if the guy has kids but doesn't want her own. My profiles states that I want kids yet I get SO many messages from guys like this. Why would they even message a girl who clearly wants her own kids? Do they think they can change me? I usually don't reply to guys like this but it's getting to the point where I almost want to ask what they're looking for in me. OLD is so frustrating. I’m sorry G, I’m not seeing what you see, but I guess that is what makes these threads so interesting, we all take different things from them.
Gaeta Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 It's a bit confusing. On December 17th she says they have been dating 1 month On January 17th she says they have been dating 4 months And a couple of days ago she said they've been dating 5 months. If indeed on December 17th they had been dating 1 month than that makes them dating 3,5 months total.
Author abby_tx Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 I don't think she needs to change anything. Someone will love her just the way she is. Yes a man may not see her as marriage and mother material but that is just because he did not truly connect with her. The next man she meets may. There is a someone for everyone out there no matter who you are, what is your personality, your insecurities, your goals, your size, career etc. Thank you for this. 1
Author abby_tx Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 I'll explain more after work but gaeta is most right here. I didn't think of it as settling exactly. I mean, I did love him. A lot. I let him set the pace. He was the one who's hold my hand first, pull me closer, talk about ring size, marriage, etc. I let him pull me in and I fell hard and now I'm pissed because he wasn't someone I would have normally been into. I LUCKILY learned that first impressions aren't everything and attraction can grow deeply. Despite my hurt, I learned. But yeah. I'm also bitter cause part of me thinks it's all his fault for doing this. He made me like him. Then he's over it. 1
Author abby_tx Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 It's a bit confusing. On December 17th she says they have been dating 1 month On January 17th she says they have been dating 4 months And a couple of days ago she said they've been dating 5 months. If indeed on December 17th they had been dating 1 month than that makes them dating 3,5 months total. Sorry I'm bad at timing. I have to count weeks on my calendar. I guess it makes 4 months. We started in November.
Author abby_tx Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 And to the people who think I'm marriage/baby hungry... no. I'm looking for true love first and foremost. If I just wanted a ring and kid, I could have done this long ago. I'm more interested in the guy who will joke with me in our 90's. I want to tie his shoes, help him find his cane, and love him forever and ever. I want this more than marriage and kids. 1
katiegrl Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) Yes but G you don’t “decide” to love. Love is infinitely more deeper and complex than that. Someone started a thread “what is Love” I think… I posted this link Love is NOT a decision. While I don't disagree with you, some very famous and reputable doctors (psychiatrists) do: For example the below quotes were made (and written in many of his books) by M. Scott Peck: "Love is an act of will -- namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love." "Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present." Just sayin. Edited March 10, 2016 by katiegrl
Larryville Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 So by repeatedly going for guys that you aren't attracted to figuring they'll treat you better, all you wind up doing is feeling resentment. I did what G said and I browsed to try and understand…. Some old threads… Some quick background, I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years. We're 27 and 28. Here's the problem. I no longer yearn/dream of marriage. At this point it feels like more of a business deal I assume we'll enter in when he has money. The spark we used to have is lost, though I do love him beyond measure. Is this just what happens after 5 years? Can we get past it? Do we date other people since he isn't in a position to be married? This thread: I did love him. A lot. I let him set the pace. He was the one who's hold my hand first, pull me closer, talk about ring size, marriage, etc. Old thread: We went on a date a week ago today. It was nice. He asked me if I want marriage and kids and where I want to live when I get married. (A little too soon to ask me, but whatever. It's nice to finally date a guy that wants these things) I seem to have a pattern in dating where I am really good in relationships up until about the 3 month mark. "Love is an act of will -- namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love." KG... I hear ya, it took me until I was in my 40’s to truly experience what true love was, although married twice. there are striking similarities between the brain state of a person falling in love and that of a person who has just smoked crack cocaine. We're not talking about the slightly buzzed feeling you might get from drinking a glass or two of wine, but rather about the high-octane euphoria associated with smoking crack cocaine. Falling in love is the best high you can get without breaking any laws. Was married twice, and although I did grow to love and respect both wives was hardly “in love” with them when I married them. Was not until a brief relationship with someone I met post marriage number two. That above paragraph describes me to a T and I have only felt that way ONCE and have not come close to that since. If you were having this conversation with the 20 something or 30 something me my thinking likely would be different.
preraph Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 I don't think Abby should be vilified for giving a guy she wasn't initially attracted to a good chance. Most of us wouldn't. She at least allowed for the possibility that he might be such a great guy that it would ignite her feelings. That's more than most of us will do. Probably the last time she'll do it, though, and who can blame her. 1
Shineshelly Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Hi Abby. Waiting for the right person to marry and start a life with can really cause some anxiety if you let it! Reaching a certain age, combined with the pressure to fit in with the rest of ‘society,’ can really feel like time is a-wasting and you are clearly late for life; EsPECially when your loved ones begin pushing and prodding! Believe me, I have been there! Have you considered adjusting your outlook on marriage and/or your purpose in life at all? If I were you, I would work on making myself the sort of person that a good man would like to marry. Have something interesting about you and keep working on it. Get involved in helping others. I don’t know if you believe in God or prayer but if I were you I would make a very detailed list of the qualities you really want in a spouse and bring the list to God in prayer. Trust Him with your future and your purpose. You can then use this list to sort of filter out people as you date and pray for discernment as you consider your options. Your life has so much purpose outside of marriage and children! Please don’t get sucked into the lie that your life only has meaning if you are a wife and mother! Those are wonderful blessings, but not the only means to a fulfilling life! Good luck in your search for Mr. Right!
Gaeta Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Abby: After reading Larryville I am wondering what is your thought on relationships and on marriage. Do you expect to always be on a high while in a relationship? Love evolves. It's not always butterflies and candies. It's not always amazing sex and memorable moments. It's normal to grow familiar with each other, normal for the butterflies to set down and leave place for comfort, contentment and familiarity. I have been dating for 3 months. Him and I spend a lot of time together and we're very much into each other. All of our days and evenings are about being together. I am actually looking forward to when that honeymoon phase is past so I can come on LS to post while he's watching hockey lol. I much prefer that phase than the honeymoon phase. Maybe that's why I do well long term.
Recommended Posts