How to stay emotionally detached in an affair?

[carhill]

OP, an experiment to try is feeling the moment; that's something I learned, sheesh, now a few decades ago from MW's. Focus on any particular interaction, expand that to fill one's mind and heart and then, once done, over. I didn't really get it, at any elemental level, until getting married and divorced. After going through that stuff, I understood better. Now it's pretty easy. Everyone is adult, heh at my age, old adult, and consenting, so enjoy the moment and move on. Sometimes there's another moment with the same person, sometimes not. Enough moments and then we die. Enjoy them while they last.

 

If you're looking for a long-term relationship or marriage or family-type thing, this probably isn't the way to get there. Some people can switch in and out. Some not. Once ingrained, it can be hard to change one's psychology without help. If I were still in long-term family marriage mode, I'd probably stay away from detached type scenarios. Bad mojo for a long term thing, IMO, unless you already know you can switch fairly easily. Good luck!

[The Aftermath]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had the same issues with my xMM...he told me that if I had a BF (or if I wasn't separated) when he met me that he would never have gotten involved with me??? :confused:

 

He would make comments about my wardrobe and tell me that my style of clothing made guys look at me even more and he would tell me not to wear certain things unless HE was out with me. When we'd go out to the mall and would come back to my place he would tell me he saw guys looking at me, but that they knew to look away when they saw him. It was really strange as my exH used to be proud to have a W that was attractive, but it made my xMM paranoid. He told me there was no way for him to feel secure with me, but I gave him full access to my phone, etc and was faithful to him even when he wasn't faithful to me.

 

I know exactly what you're going through and I can tell you from experience that this will only end with YOU picking up the pieces of your broken heart while he goes on with his life, unscathed. My xMM actually left his W and kids to be with me (8 months in), but 3 months down the line he had a fit of jealousy (thinking she might be dating/some guy was moving in on his family) and he went crawling back to her. Please know that you ARE strong enough to move on. I left him for good on my 3rd attempt, he begged me to take him back and said he was moving out and well...you see where I am today, picking up the pieces like I predicted almost a year ago.

Edited March 10, 2016 by The Aftermath

[MatSweetMay]

And first of all no one can hook you. You feel what you feel. I get your question though. I though I could not have feelings Witt just a FWB as the Ow.. Boy was I wrong.

 

 

Obviously there has to be sexual attraction and compatibility for an affair to even start. Other feelings can occur over time, of course (we're not robots). What I meant to say is future faking and getting too close emotionally hurts me, because I am a realist and I see the affair as an affair and nothing more. I don't ask for compliments, but love receiving them. I don't beg for time with AP, for more attention that needed to have our fun (but I would accept it if it was offered).

But when I say he hooked me I was refering to the parts like the one time he came to me and told me he will help me and take care of my needs as much as he can (even though I never asked, never expected and I made it clear) because I am his woman too. That for a single woman who craves a life partner can mess up all her resolutions and her convictions.

[MatSweetMay]

Why don't you just start dating other men casually to keep yourself off this lunatic.

 

It sounds like you're scared of him. ..Hence you can't stand up for yourself.

 

He's a jealous, controlling no good human being and you should be aware you may not be his only other woman.

 

This won't end well for you at all. He has ALL THE POWER.... because you've given it to him.

What makes you lack self esteem like this?

Why Can't YOU date a single guy OR get a FWB arrangement if you don't want a relationship.

 

Don't stay at home and get out with your friends.

 

This man would really scare me to bits. It's like he's your master.

 

 

 

 

Lolll... yeah, it does look like a BDSM scene but I can assure you it's not.

No, I'm not scared of him, I actually trust him in general, he is a good person, a great dad and a good bf/life partner (except the cheating part, i know). And I say these things not because he tells them to me, but because I saw everything and can attest to that.

But he overwhelms me sometimes by saying or doing things out of character for him, unexpected things from an AP, but all positive. I don't expect anything from him, I don't ask anything, I don't want future faking, false hopes and promises, gifts and compliments. But when he shows me feelings, real feelings it messes me up.

For example, I just remembered that we stayed away from each other on V-Day, not because of lack of time or him being busy with gf, but because I was feeling sad and emotional and he knew it, so we didn't want to de-balance things.

 

 

I lack self esteem because my xH did everything in his power to put me down on all levels: as a woman, as a mother, as a human being. I got out and I'm dealing with my life, my kids and trying to patch myself up.

 

 

I have a great support system. I have friends (a couple know about AP), I have some family, I go out as often as I can (when my kids are not home). I meet new people (men) all the time, some of them with potential to be more, most of them available (turned down all other affair proposals... hahaha). But nobody else attracts me, I don't feel the need to date anybody that I've met so far. It might be because I'm not ready, it might me because I'm emotionally stuck on my AP, it might me because of both.

[pteromom]

I lack self esteem because my xH did everything in his power to put me down on all levels: as a woman, as a mother, as a human being. I got out and I'm dealing with my life, my kids and trying to patch myself up.

 

...and now you have taken over where he left off by putting yourself down.

 

You are better than this! You sound like a sweet person. Do not let this lying cheater near your body.

 

You have kids right? What would you like to model for them? What would you want them to do in your shoes?

 

This guy is NOT a great dad. He may be nice to his kids, and playful with them. But that is not what makes a great dad. A great dad is honest and loyal and committed to his family.

 

Trust me - a cheating dad can tear a kid apart and affect her life and relationships forever. Ask me how I know this! A cheating dad is not a good dad - he's a selfish dad. And being a good parent requires a great deal of selfLESSness that this guy does not possess.

 

You can do it.

 

Tell him you are done.

Block his number. Unfriend him. Block his email.

 

He will freak out. Not because he cares about you, but because he views you as his possession, and you ending it is a big blow to his ego. He will make promises. He will send flowers. He will do and say anything you've been asking him to do and say. He will promise to leave her. He will beg and grovel. He'll do and say whatever it takes to regain his ownership of you.

 

You have to be ready to be firm. Do not engage him in arguments. Do not listen to him. Do not console him. Just keep repeating "I am done. Do not contact me again." If he shows up at your place, threaten a restraining order.

 

You need to do this. For his kids. For your kids. But mostly for yourself. Because you deserve so much better than this.

[MatSweetMay]

I think there's little to no emotional attachment in many affairs. The MM or MW might just being in it for the kicks. Sometimes the OM or OW might just be in it for the sex.

 

Sure, there may be some lying, manipulating and pretending to have emotions going on, but that doesn't mean the naive participant is not being played. Being used and the other party never really cared about you at all beyond getting what they wanted.

 

 

I'm not talking about my A here, even tough it might apply, but I believe that in some situations the 2 APs develop an emotional connection first. Or in other cases the get to know each other, spend beautiful moments together and discover traits in the Ap's character that they like and appreciate. I do believe emotional attachment develops in time and with time and that's what I'm trying to stay away from. I believe in compatibility, common ground and interests that can mess up staying detached in an A.