Cooper04 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I'm a bit confused after a recent break up, and I'm hoping someone might help me sort it out. This might get a little long, thanks in advance for your patience About 6 months ago I met a girl at a bar. She told me that she had just (6 months ago or so) gone through a traumatic break up, she had been in a serious relationship with some guy, found out he was cheating on her the whole time, he owed her a lot of money and I could tell she was still carrying a lot of negative emotions from this. I added her on facebook, and asked her out for a coffee a week later. She accepted, we agreed on a time and place. But she then told me she was already dating someone else, so this "wasn't a date". I didn't really believe her, I took it as her being scared by the thought of dating again so I just joked it away. We met up and had an awesome time together. I set up a second "date" at my place, we made dinner and watched a movie, but the chemistry seemed gone. She was distant and aloof all night. I thought it was ruined, but the following saturday she texted me at midnight, we met up, went back to mine and basically stayed in bed until monday morning. We had another dinner at my place when she again acted distant. After she left, she texted me and told me she was in fact dating someone else, I replied "yet you keep hanging out with me" to which she said "Maybe I shouldn't.." We met up again, and I convinced her to end it with the other guy. From now on, we became sort of a couple. I say sort of as she would always say things like she wasn't good enough for me, I should date other girls etc. It became very clear to me she was suffering from a depression, her confidence and self image seemed shattered from her earlier break up. Though I'm convinced she's over her ex romantically, she has not been able to let go of the hurt feelings and negativity. She didn't have a place of her own, so we always hung out at my place. She would sometimes seem very hesitant, which would always be followed up the next day with a long text apologizing and explaining she was so afraid of getting hurt again she thought it was difficult to open up to me, but she was so lucky to have me and she didn't deserve me. But as a general rule, when we hung out just the two of us, we always had a great time and got along. It was when we were out with other people she closed up, didn't want to talk to anyone and usually ended up crying and us leaving early. This was especially obvious when we were with her friends or family, around my family she always seemed ok. I tried not to force a relationship on her, but over time it just sort of happened. We obviously spent Valentines together, and I felt this was the first time she really opened up. We had a fantastic day and night together, and everything felt great and as she finally felt comfortable being in a relationship with me. Then, the following weekend we went to her best friends birthday party, and had a horrid time. She closed up and clearly wanted to be anywhere else. Not sure if that had anything to do with me, she had us sitting in a corner the whole night and then we left as soon as we could. The next day she texts me and asks if I want company for dinner tomorrow. She comes over monday night, tells me as soon as she comes in this is a "we need to talk"-visit. As we move into the living room and onto the couch, she was joking and seemed very happy. She tells me she's not ready for a relationship, she would like to continue being friends and wants to keep coming over for dinner and watching movies, but she doesn't want anything romantically. I tell her I'm not interested in that, and would rather stop all contact. Now, when a girl tells me she's not ready for a relationship, I usually take that as meaning she's not interested in me. But with her, I know she's telling the truth. She probably does need some time alone to get to grips with her past breakup. I'm tempted to offer her the friendship, keep meeting with her and just wait it out until she's ready. But this all depends of course on the possibility that she will want a relationship with ME when she's ready. I do honestly believe she's worth the wait, there is so much life and energy hiding within this girl, but she's unable to let it out because of her fear of being betrayed again. What do you guys think? Should I try to reinitiate contact, or cut my losses? Sorry again for the length, feels good to write it all out though.. I should add, I'm 37, she's 26.
kztar Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Im 26 and I could tell you depending on the nature of the breakup she is probably not ready to be dating. I suggest staying friends and seeing what happens from there. Don't rush her but tell her to be honest and open about her feelings. it's only fair to you.
SammySammy Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I think you're right. She's still dealing with past breakups. When someone tells me they are not good enough for me, they are right. When someone tells me they are not ready for a relationship, I believe them. It's like that Maya Angelou quote "when people show you who they are, believe them". She's hurting. Give her some space and time to heal. It may be best for both of you. Cut your losses. 1
kztar Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Im going through a breakup myself and I find it very hard to even go to work. When I go out with people I dont find anything interesting or fun. Not normally me but just how i currently feel. With that being said im pretty sure she's hurting. It sucks you met her at this point in life because she is probably a good girl who was mistreated and not cared for. Something you can probably provide her but she can't see past the pain she's feeling.
elaine567 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Now, when a girl tells me she's not ready for a relationship, I usually take that as meaning she's not interested in me. But with her, I know she's telling the truth. She probably does need some time alone to get to grips with her past breakup. I'm tempted to offer her the friendship, keep meeting with her and just wait it out until she's ready. But this all depends of course on the possibility that she will want a relationship with ME when she's ready. I do honestly believe she's worth the wait, there is so much life and energy hiding within this girl, but she's unable to let it out because of her fear of being betrayed again. What do you guys think? Should I try to reinitiate contact, or cut my losses? Sorry again for the length, feels good to write it all out though.. I should add, I'm 37, she's 26. Run. She's messing you about, she is blowing hot and cold and that is never a good sign. She slots you in when it suits and shuts you out when it doesn't. She has told you she doesn't want a relationship with you, believe her. Do not hang about being her "friend" in the hope she sorts herself out and picks you. She may very well sort herself out, but when she finally looks around for a bf, good old, faithful "friend" Cooper04, I feel, will be last on her list. YOU could get very hurt here. 1
SammySammy Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Run. She's messing you about, she is blowing hot and cold and that is never a good sign. She slots you in when it suits and shuts you out when it doesn't. She has told you she doesn't want a relationship with you, believe her. Do not hang about being her "friend" in the hope she sorts herself out and picks you. She may very well sort herself out, but when she finally looks around for a bf, good old, faithful "friend" Cooper04, I feel, will be last on her list. YOU could get very hurt here. Yep. That's true. When she gets straightened out, she probably won't be looking for him. 1
Author Cooper04 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Thank you all for your replies. Though it's tough to hear it and even tougher to accept, I do need to move on. As she works with my best friend and we're in the same industry, I know I won't be able to maintain the No Contact indefinitely, but for now I will stay away. Right now, I'm just about coping, falling even deeper in only to lose her again further down the line would be disastrous. The timing wasn't with me on this one, but that's life.. kztar, I wish you all the best in your recovery. Work has been a welcome distraction for me this last week, and as you know, in time the hurt will pass:) 2
kztar Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Thank you all for your replies. Though it's tough to hear it and even tougher to accept, I do need to move on. As she works with my best friend and we're in the same industry, I know I won't be able to maintain the No Contact indefinitely, but for now I will stay away. Right now, I'm just about coping, falling even deeper in only to lose her again further down the line would be disastrous. The timing wasn't with me on this one, but that's life.. kztar, I wish you all the best in your recovery. Work has been a welcome distraction for me this last week, and as you know, in time the hurt will pass:) Hi Cooper04 Thank you for your words. This forum has been great in helping me maintain my sanity. Or at least try to. I think that the advice that some other folks provided here is wise. You don't want to dig yourself in a deeper hole and then have to crawl your way out when you're still not deep enough where you can walk. She needs to heal. If in due time she's healed and you guys cross paths again and there's chemistry and you're still around by all means. But for now, just move on, you deserve someone who will be 100 and unfortunately im pretty sure she is not. Good luck and smile
theredpill Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 There were multiple red flags, you ignored them and voila... You also chased way too much, forcing her to stop dating the other person instead of being the person "she" chose, that's not being the rock she probably needed. She was clearly still hurting, she needed time and you were focussed on closing that "relationship deal" instead of giving her the space she needed and having fun when together, leave all the relationship talk to the ladies, they will tell you when they choose you. Women I know say men who chase are just the biggest turn off and that could be why her attraction dropped, can you get it back... unlikely, without completely moving on yourself with someone just as good or better and the reality of this is you probably won't want to reconcile at this point. I'd be tempted to follow the other advice in the thread, cut your losses and move on with self respect and dignity. We've all done it dude, we learn and next time we're more sensible, or perhaps the time after that but we eventually get to the point of thinking, hey she's ****ing awesome but the red flags are clear and you exit stage left quickly and deal with it. Which is far easier after 2 or 3 dates, than 6 months later when you're emotionally engaged.
oman0115 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Sadly my friends 'not ready for a relationship' translates 'not ready for a relationship with you' been there. It's cruel she's not being honest but it's not going to happen 1
smudge21 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 I think you know what is best to do here and admire you for telling her straight that no you didn't want just a friendship. It will be tough to walk away but the alternative for you is even worse. As someone who has become that special friend in the past, the one who helped someone heal only to then see that suddenly they are ready for a relationship... with this great guy they've just met, you don't want that. I think she's trying to force herself to heal by jumping into relationships, but they only keep on holding her back. She needs to find her own inner happiness, her own self worth before trying to find happiness with others. Maybe in time she will come back to you, there's nothing wrong with leaving that door open, but you simply won't be that shoulder to cry on or another one of her girl friends to keep her company when she choses.
Author Cooper04 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 Yeah, it is obvious to me that the friendship-route would not end well. My head is a mess right now, I'm thinking and feeling one thing one minute and the complete opposite the next. I can't help but hold out hope that she will come back to me once she's had some time to herself, but there will not be a happy ending if I reach out first. It sounds messed up, but this is by far the healthiest of my last few relationships. I'd probably do well to focus on my self for a while and take care of my own healing.
smudge21 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 It's never easy to walk away from someone we have feelings for - I'm there right now, and like you, back and forth so much. I know what the right thing to do is, but actually doing it, that's the hard part. As you say and know, what's the alternative..? So many of us would take the easy route of keeping an ex close by, agreeing to be friends, living in hope that by doing so, they'll eventually become ours once again - I don't think that has ever happened in the history of dating.
oman0115 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Yeah, it is obvious to me that the friendship-route would not end well. My head is a mess right now, I'm thinking and feeling one thing one minute and the complete opposite the next. I can't help but hold out hope that she will come back to me once she's had some time to herself, but there will not be a happy ending if I reach out first. It sounds messed up, but this is by far the healthiest of my last few relationships. I'd probably do well to focus on my self for a while and take care of my own healing. Trust me and others and listen for your own sake, it won't end well! I did the friends thing for two months after my gf said she needs space and wants to be single a while. I stuck around as friend and supported her emotionally until hey presto she suddenly had something to tell me, she'd met someone! She's been in contact with me for 5 months trying to continue friendship until I've just recently told her to back off and we're not friends. Your only chance and slight chance at that is to walk away and never go back unless she states she's changed her mind but it doesn't look good. She's subtly telling you it isn't going to happen, but you can change your behaviour to make her question her mindset but don't get your hoes up!
Author Cooper04 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 Trust me and others and listen for your own sake, it won't end well! I did the friends thing for two months after my gf said she needs space and wants to be single a while. I stuck around as friend and supported her emotionally until hey presto she suddenly had something to tell me, she'd met someone! She's been in contact with me for 5 months trying to continue friendship until I've just recently told her to back off and we're not friends. Your only chance and slight chance at that is to walk away and never go back unless she states she's changed her mind but it doesn't look good. She's subtly telling you it isn't going to happen, but you can change your behaviour to make her question her mindset but don't get your hoes up! I do agree with this. I just have a hard time getting my head around how quickly it ended. She introduced me to her parents last weekend, then decided to end it the very next day. But I'm moaning now.. I will not contact her and there will be no friendship. Thank you again to all of you for pitching in and sharing your own experiences.
oman0115 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 I do agree with this. I just have a hard time getting my head around how quickly it ended. She introduced me to her parents last weekend, then decided to end it the very next day. But I'm moaning now.. I will not contact her and there will be no friendship. Thank you again to all of you for pitching in and sharing your own experiences. You're not moaning don't beat yourself up. Meeting the family makes things difficult. After we ended I still spent Sunday afternoons at her house with her folks and we behaved pretty much like a couple in front of them. Total head f@c! No one wants or needs that. Breaking it all off is the best thing you can do
hunk Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Everything she's telling you is BS, don't believe a word of it. There's no such thing as "not ready". There's nothing wrong with her and she's not damaged in any way (might be hung up on exes who treated her poorly, and if this is the case you never had a chance anyway because she's basically damaged goods for the forseeable future). Also, do you think she wouldn't be "ready" if George Clooney was banging her regularly? You simply didn't do it for her. She lost attraction for you and doesn't see you sexually. This is a result of your behavior. Improve yourself and build your sexual value (fitness, life outlook, confidence, lifestyle) and this will stop happening. Men and women aren't "friends" and we weren't designed to be friends. Men talk about things with other men and women talk about things with other women. Any man on these forums who tells me they are genuinely interested in non-sexual, regular, platonic conversations with a woman (this even includes family) is deluding himself, or is stupid, and needs a head (balls) check. Never settle for friendship with a woman you're sexually interested in, it is pathetic and you will be miserable. You won't get laid and you won't have the relationships you actually want.
Recommended Posts