ex says she wants to be by herself but i know she's talking to another guy

[yellowbanana]

We got into an argument where she was threatening to kick me out. I lost my temper and called her a [names] which she took extremely personally and told me to pack all of my stuff and leave. In the heat of the moment I went and did so.

 

It was this first time I had ever lost my temper with her and said such things - I have never disrespected her, cheated on her or physically harmed her.

 

Since then, we haven't spoken. It's been 3 days now and she has no idea that I know she is talking to this other guy. Its been playing on my mind and is killing me inside to know shes talking to someone else so soon. I want to tell her that I know shes talking to this other guy but I don't know how to bring it up or if I even should. I really don't know what to do, or where I stand or if there is any chance for us to get back together. I really am suffering inside.

 

Now that she's talking to this other guy I feel absolutely shattered.

 

Do I tell her I know?

Do I keep quiet and let her carry on talking to this guy under the illusion that i'm unaware of it?

Has she said to me that she wants to be by herself right now as a gentle way of letting me down so she can continue speaking to him?

 

If there's anything I know about this girl is this - when shes mad/upset she says things in the heat of the moment that she regrets saying later. The amount of times she said things she doesn't mean to me, its confused me so much to the point I don't know what she really wants anymore and i don't know what I should do. It's all a complete mind-f**k and i'm losing my mind over this.

 

What do i do?

Edited March 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited to remove personal information and for language

[SoleMate]

This sounds pretty serious:

 

she was still convinced that she didn't want me to try anymore; that she was fine by herself and she'd planned for life without me in her head and that I should move on and work on myself. She said that she had given me loads of chances during our relationship and that she [had] had enough of it.....

I won't lie and say I was perfect to her all of the time because I admit I wasn't. I did get lazy at times and we'd forgotten to appreciate each other as much because we were together all of the time but that's only natural right?

It may be natural, but it's not compatible with a lasting and satisfying relationship.

 

Something is missing from your story...how did you get from:

 

....[we were] talking about moving out and finding a place of our own for a while as she said herself that she just wants to get away from her mum's.....

to:

 

....we got into an argument in which things escalated quite quickly to the point where she was threatening to kick me out....

I sense that whatever was said during that escalation may be key to understand the issues...yet you gloss over it. What was said?

....I lost my temper and called her a [name] which she took extremely personally.....

Yes, people do take that kind of hostility and insult personally. You talk about feeling cut with knives by her hurtful words....can you understand how hurt she must have felt?

 

Anyhow, recommend you do some soul-searching about your own actions. For the benefit of your next r/s. It may already be too late with this one, sorry. (And she has every right to move on, it's her choice.)

Edited March 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[VeveCakes]

I feel like that was an over reaction from her in response to you calling her names. Was something up before this occurred?

[elaine567]

I am sorry but I think you blew it.

Losing your temper and calling your gf a [name], killed it for her. I guess as she said you have gone back on your word time and time again, it was the last straw that broke the camel's back.

She is done with you, she is moving on.

You should do so too.

Edited March 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden2]

The entire post is completely irrelevant, due to this comment:

 

My girlfriend of 18 months and I have broken up...

 

She's your ex.

 

It's over.

 

She can text, talk to and see whomever she wants, whatever she said.

She's a free agent.

 

As are you.

 

Go No Contact (see NC Guide in my signature) and stay away from her.

You are no longer involved, and it's therefore more appropriate and correct to make efforts to move on, rather than to try and figure anything complicated, out, when it's already over, anyway.

[CDJ]

Yours bears some similarities with my case (mainly around the personalities of our exes and the words they used). Based on my experience/mistakes, here's my view:

 

 

Do I tell her I know?

No.

 

She sounds like someone who gets uber defensive when backed into a corner, and someone who can not accept blame or fallibility. Getting 'caught out', so to speak, will put her into a flight or fight mode - if the former, she'll cut you out even more; if the latter, she might start saying hurtful things you don't want to hear.

 

Do I keep quiet and let her carry on talking to this guy under the illusion that i'm unaware of it?

Yes.

 

Don't let her have that power over you; don't let her know that you're hurting from all of this. If she knows you know, she'll probably tell the either guy and will spin the situation into one of you being the 'crazy ex'.

 

Has she said to me that she wants to be by herself right now as a gentle way of letting me down so she can continue speaking to him?

I would say almost certainly yes, that's the case. When a girl says "I just want to be alone right now" it usually means "I've met someone else or what to meet someone else".

 

I guess the point here is that you are wondering whether the other guy is the reason for the break-up, right? Well, unfortunately you will never know. Even if you could ask your ex straight-up, you might not get a truthful answers. You'll drive yourself mad trying to get clarity on this. Don't do it to yourself.

 

What you need to do is go 'no contact' and take the power back. I don't mean to make it sound like a power game; I just mean for the sake of your own well-being and recovery. The more actions you take now, the more you'll risk doing something you'll regret.

Edited March 9, 2016 by CDJ

[CDJ]

I feel like that was an over reaction from her in response to you calling her names. Was something up before this occurred?

To me that seems like she was looking for a reason and excuse to end things (as opposed to perhaps telling him the truth, which might have been that she wanted to move on with someone else).

 

Overreactions are usually a sign of finding a way to avoid being completely honest or in taking responsibility.

[SammySammy]

What should you do?

 

Learn how to disagree without being disagreeable. Flying off the handle, losing your cool, cursing, name calling and such will cause to lose a lot of relationships. I had to learn the hard way. Seems that you will too.

 

Stop groveling. You broke up. You left. She moved on. All of the going back, begging, pleading and crying is pathetic. It's not masculine and makes you less attractive in her eyes. Just stop.

 

Move on. Like ... really. Move on. Think about what went wrong and what you can do better in your next relationship. Find a new girl. Treat her better. Heck, treat yourself better.

[yellowbanana]

I feel like that was an over reaction from her in response to you calling her names. Was something up before this occurred?

 

no, everything was absolutely fine we were going really well. we had a minor disagreement a month before but that was sorted out pretty much straight away.

 

I had just passed a job interview and assessment the same day the argument happened aswell

[VeveCakes]

Could she have been texting someone else before?

[yellowbanana]

What should you do?

 

Learn how to disagree without being disagreeable. Flying off the handle, losing your cool, cursing, name calling and such will cause to lose a lot of relationships. I had to learn the hard way. Seems that you will too.

 

Stop groveling. You broke up. You left. She moved on. All of the going back, begging, pleading and crying is pathetic. It's not masculine and makes you less attractive in her eyes. Just stop.

 

Move on. Like ... really. Move on. Think about what went wrong and what you can do better in your next relationship. Find a new girl. Treat her better. Heck, treat yourself better.

 

I understand flying off the handle was the wrong move but it was the one and only time i ever did so. I was stressed at the time with university deadlines and finding work but understand that I never spoke to her like that before, i never mistreated her, never cheated and never would. she knows that i think the world of her.

 

i agree all the grovelling etc. was pathetic and looking back at it i feel like a fool but i wasnt thinking straight, all i could think about was how I could show her that I didnt want to leave and wont leave again if i had the chance

[yellowbanana]

Could she have been texting someone else before?

 

not that i was aware - we were together more or less all of the time

 

when I read through her conversation they only started talking about 2 weeks after our initial argument

[yellowbanana]

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Edited March 9, 2016 by yellowbanana
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