Apparition Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 (edited) My anger has passed, now all I feel is hurt and the peace-maker inside me is torturing me. I hate how easily I can forgive someone no matter how much they hurt me, no matter how mean they are. It's like loving someone who slits your throat and you apologize for getting blood on their shoes. I detest this side of me because it makes me weak, it makes me cave and it makes me want to reach out to defuse the situation and end things on a better note. Only I know if I did that I would get my hands burnt. I'm not an angry person, I don't like tension, drama and most of all I don't like negative situations. I forgive too easily, it's only been one day since my ex was nasty to me and I've already forgiven her. Did anyone end on a very bad note? If so, how did you deal with it? Edited March 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 You are not forgivable. That means people can easily forgive you. You are forgiving; you forgive others. It doesn't make you weak. In fact it should give you peace. You recognize people are flawed & you don't hold that against them. You are only weak if you let them back into your inner circle & give them a chance to hurt you again. There is a difference. Forgiveness can be freeing. Allowing them to hurt you a second time is just stupid. Instead of trying to make peace, recognize that she showed her true colors: she's nasty. You showed yours; you forgave her. Let that be your high note ending. . . you took the high road. Now move on to healing then to a more fulfilling relationship. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
CDJ Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 I suspect you 'forgiveness' is in some way like bargaining (a stage of grief); by forgiving what she did, you hope that you'll get something back in return (an apology, reconciliation, some good coming your way, etc). Forgiveness is such an overrated virtue; whilst it might bring people peace of mind, I find it to be superficial. And often it is given to people who don't deserve it! Instead, what you need to achieve is acceptance - accept what happened and what she did. That will come, in time, once you've gone through the grieving process. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 There is a difference between being forgiving and a doormat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
yellowhibiscus Posted March 9, 2016 Share Posted March 9, 2016 I'm completely the same way. I think it's just a part of having an empathetic heart. It's not a bad thing but boundaries need to be made. We can forgive but it should be just that...forgive from a distance, wish them well, and don't put any other time or energy into something that doesn't give in return. There's a part of me that sort of considers being friends with my ex at some point. Then I try to think why do I want friends like this?? There's so many other people/things that treat you well that deserve your time and energy. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Forgiving is fine. Nothing wrong with that. Forgetting is where you screw up. You can forgive someone for wrong you but know not to put yourself in that position with that person again. Your lack of boundaries doesn't allow you to do that -- you just jump back emotionally to right where you were before then wonder why the result ends up being the same. We all make mistakes. That's part of life and part of growing. But repeating the same mistakes over and over is a problem. Forgive, don't forget. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Forgive, don't forget. Agree.... forgive, but never forget and NEVER go back. Forgiveness is actually healthy. It enables you to move on with your life sans bitterness and hate. But just cuz you forgive, that doesn't mean you continue loving that person and allowing them any space in your life. Forgive but never forget and walk away....forever. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kztar Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Agree.... forgive, but never forget and NEVER go back. Forgiveness is actually healthy. It enables you to move on with your life sans bitterness and hate. But just cuz you forgive, that doesn't mean you continue loving that person and allowing them any space in your life. Forgive but never forget and walk away....forever. I need to learn this. Lol. My ex ex screwd me over big time and I forgave him. He still lingering in my life and thinks I'm his forever smh lmao. My friends hate him and have told me to stop entertaining him. I'm so nice sometimes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PLT Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 I forgive because I don't want to spend the rest of my life carrying that bitterness and anger with me. I forgive for me, not for them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NolaLeForte Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Forgiveness is about letting go of the painful emotions, and not holding onto the anger of the pain that someone has caused you. Not allowing yourself to move on because you hold onto the pain is the opposite of forgiveness- it’s about protecting yourself and healing by releasing the pain and bad feelings that don’t serve you. It’s not about blindly forgetting transgressions. Nobody wants to think about someone deliberately harming them, so sometimes we take that burden on ourselves, which is what I suspect is happening here. In your situation, it seems like you might be jumping to forgive (or forget) because thinking about and being reminded of the bad things that people do frankly, really sucks. By letting it slide and not worrying or thinking about it, you aren’t forgiving, you’re allowing yourself to walk away from and not deal with the things that hurt you (which often sets the stage for it to happen again). Your ex being nasty to you probably stung, and while you don’t like negativity or tension, sometimes it’s just the nature of the beast. It is a tense and negative situation because she is your ex, and she was being nasty. Did you “forgive” her so you didn’t have to confront the situation, or was it because you made a conscious choice to be aware of her behavior but not allow the negativity to affect you? Perhaps a better approach is to sit down and really think about how much she hurt you, allow yourself to become aware of those feelings, and then make the choice to take appropriate action (distancing yourself, telling her the behavior was unacceptable, etc), and then make the choice to not hold onto that negativity. That way, you are taking action, you’re protecting yourself, and you’re also diffusing future problems while not holding onto the things that don’t serve you. x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 May I say, its fascinating to hear someone say they forgave so quickly ....its truly a talent if that is the case. I mean that sincerely. Forgiveness usually takes a bit more time when the severity stings. I can identify with the analogy though. May I ask if the desire to forgive is to evade the hurt? nature has a way of pulling us back to complete steps that we missed in the process of forgiving. Think about it next time....what is the true goal in getting to forgiveness? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Apparition Posted March 11, 2016 Author Share Posted March 11, 2016 I am not forgiving to evade pain, because the pain still remains after forgiveness. To be honest I don't even know why I can quickly forgive people, I guess it is a flaw of mine because some people really don't deserve forgiveness. I dislike holding grudges, it's unhealthy. I guess I just like everything being "okay". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 My pardons as I am trying to grasp this concept that its a flaw from your perspective? How so? With much humbleness , I envy your ability to forgive so quickly. Where you can be so willing and able... a person of my mindset seems to take the slow boat to render forgiveness... usually once the forgiveness has transpired... its no longer an emotional handicap of sorts. How do you in essences forgive so readily? can you define what forgiveness means to you ? Link to post Share on other sites
blackbird_brokenwing Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 My pardons as I am trying to grasp this concept that its a flaw from your perspective? How so? With much humbleness , I envy your ability to forgive so quickly. Where you can be so willing and able... a person of my mindset seems to take the slow boat to render forgiveness... usually once the forgiveness has transpired... its no longer an emotional handicap of sorts. How do you in essences forgive so readily? can you define what forgiveness means to you ? It's a flaw because I will forgive anyone no matter what they do. They can hardly utter the words "I'm sorry" and I forgive them. My heart wants so badly for them to be sincere that I forgive them without hesitation. I want so desperately for that person to love me and not leave me that I will put up with and forgive anything so long as they stay. For me, anyway. And I feel EXACTLY like this: I am not forgiving to evade pain, because the pain still remains after forgiveness. To be honest I don't even know why I can quickly forgive people, I guess it is a flaw of mine because some people really don't deserve forgiveness. I dislike holding grudges, it's unhealthy. I guess I just like everything being "okay". Link to post Share on other sites
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