Zzyxx Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 So my gf and I have been dating for around 2.5 months and only super recently made it "official." Around the first month and a half of dating she told me that at that time she didn't really want to sleep with anyone else cause of the sexual health aspect and that she wasn't huge on having multiple sex partners ect, and that atm she didn't feel like dating anyone else, but she'd let me know if that changed. I'm really not one to try and rush into things, so I said, ok, all good by me, but we still weren't using the "gf" title and didn't consider ourselves to be in a relationship. I went out of town recently for one night, she met up with a long distance penpal that had come into town, and they ended up sleeping together and she says she also quite liked this person, but that she liked me more, and was super apologetic and regretful and felt bad for saying she only wanted to sleep with me and then sleeping with someone else even though we weren't technically together. After thinking it over, she was certain she wanted to be with me, she let the other girl know this, and then a bit later we became "official." I guess my questions is, is this a massive red flag? I mean, I actually think it's good to date multiple people at first until you find the one you like best, but now that it's happened to me, I guess I feel kind of weird being in a competition I didn't even know I was in. We're both older, she's in her mid 30's and I'm almost 30, so it's not like I don't know the importance of seeing what's out there and taking a healthy approach to dating. She's also really successful in pretty much every area of her life. She's really physically/conventionally attractive, a lot of people hit on her, she's a manager for a super famous global company (everyone on here has heard of it), speaks a bunch of languages fluently, financially secure, has lived all over the world ect so it's not like she's hurting for dates. She could be with almost anyone she wanted, so the fact that she is choosing to be with me I feel like is a good thing? She's been super open and honest about everything so far so I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel....
smudge21 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Hmm, you say she's this great in charge person but also say she's unsure of what she wants... yet sleeps with someone the first time they come into town. Yes, I'd say there's a red flag there. She told you all this stuff about not wanting sex, but then has sex with someone else. I normally always like to see the positives and am a believer that most people are good, however, when there be red flags, there be red flags. Now I'm not saying that should mean the end of it, but it's more a cause for concern. You have to wonder that if she's done this now, does she do it often, will she do it again. It's an odd one so I'd wait and see what others have to say before acting. Maybe it's something that needs to be talked about face to face, as you don't want to be that person who accepts the situation but then allows it to eat them up inside until it begins to ruin the relationship. 1
Author Zzyxx Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Thanks for the response! Yeah, I totally agree with you. It seemed to be a bit red flaggy to me too, but she seems to be pretty open/honest in every other respect, almost too honest, and she seems to regret it and feel bad so I dunno, like you said, I guess I have to wait and see....
elaine567 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Although you weren't ever "exclusive", she led you to believe that you were in reality, by this:- "she told me that at that time she didn't really want to sleep with anyone else cause of the sexual health aspect and that she wasn't huge on having multiple sex partners ect, and that atm she didn't feel like dating anyone else, but she'd let me know if that changed." So whilst giving you the impression that you were exclusive, she goes and sleeps with someone else. She may have "chosen" you, but given the choice on the night, she in fact chose the penpal. And that is where it gets unsettling. She may indeed be super honest and open, but you don't, I guess, want someone who is super honest and open every time she goes and sleeps with someone else... 2
Justanaverageguy Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 (edited) I went out of town recently for one night, she met up with a long distance penpal that had come into town, and they ended up sleeping together and she says she also quite liked this person, but that she liked me more, and was super apologetic and regretful and felt bad for saying she only wanted to sleep with me and then sleeping with someone else even though we weren't technically together. After thinking it over, she was certain she wanted to be with me, she let the other girl know this, and then a bit later we became "official." Well its definitely a red flag. She initiated the discussion about being exclusive ..... then slept with someone else. The relationship is still young - but how you feel about someone essentially sleeping with someone else after having an exclusive discussion really comes down to you. For me, definite red flag and it would be see you later - I think staying sets a precedent and shows you're willing to accept this type of behavior. You might think differently. If you do and still want to pursue a relationship with this girl, how you react is important. Even if she did eventually "choose" you - she still slept with someone else while exclusive. If you give her a free pass, you are essentially signalling you accept this behaviour. Anyone who does that diminishes their own value in their partners eyes. Whether you consciously realize or not you teach people how to treat you by the behavior you accept from them. If you accept ****ty behaviour - people don't respect you or value you. She's also really successful in pretty much every area of her life. She's really physically/conventionally attractive, a lot of people hit on her, she's a manager for a super famous global company (everyone on here has heard of it), speaks a bunch of languages fluently, financially secure, has lived all over the world ect so it's not like she's hurting for dates. Continuing in that theme the above quotes and the title of this thread hint at the fact that you think maybe she is "too good" for you. You seem to be almost confused as to why she choose you and your making excuses for her ****ty behavior based on the fact she is attractive and intelligent. Not a good way to enter a relationship. She could be with almost anyone she wanted, so the fact that she is choosing to be with me I feel like is a good thing? Sure ..... it could be a good thing if you don't mind being with a hot, intelligent, successful woman who many men are attracted to who doesn't have good boundary control and sleeps with other people ..... :/ Under ordinary circumstance with another girl would you still be sticking around ? Edited March 9, 2016 by Justanaverageguy
kendahke Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 So my gf and I have been dating for around 2.5 months and only super recently made it "official." Around the first month and a half of dating she told me that at that time she didn't really want to sleep with anyone else cause of the sexual health aspect and that she wasn't huge on having multiple sex partners ect, and that atm she didn't feel like dating anyone else, but she'd let me know if that changed. I went out of town recently for one night, she met up with a long distance penpal that had come into town, and they ended up sleeping together I'm sorry, but she is manipulative. You two may not have been official when she has sex with this guy, but the fact remains that she told you that if things changed in her desire to have sex with other guys, she'd let you know and she didn't. In fact, she waited til you were out of town to go do this. Would she have had sex with him if you hadn't gone out of town for one night? And how convenient that your trip out of town coincided with her penpal coming into town. I guess my questions is, is this a massive red flag? I mean, I actually think it's good to date multiple people at first until you find the one you like best, but now that it's happened to me, I guess I feel kind of weird being in a competition I didn't even know I was in. This isn't about dating. THis is about her not following through on what she said she would do, which would have been to contact you some way, some how, and tell you--like she said she would--that she was going to have sex with someone else. We're both older, she's in her mid 30's and I'm almost 30, so it's not like I don't know the importance of seeing what's out there and taking a healthy approach to dating. Lying and being deceitful isn't healthy. She's also really successful in pretty much every area of her life. She's really physically/conventionally attractive, a lot of people hit on her, she's a manager for a super famous global company (everyone on here has heard of it), speaks a bunch of languages fluently, financially secure, has lived all over the world ect so it's not like she's hurting for dates. She could be with almost anyone she wanted, so the fact that she is choosing to be with me I feel like is a good thing? ...and she lies. She's been super open and honest about everything so far so I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to feel.... No she hasn't. Not where and when it counts. Her word is worthless. If you want to stick around and get continually played by a liar and manipulator, have at it. I'd set her adrift. 2
kendahke Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Also, you don't just "meet up" with someone who just happens to be coming in from out of town on the very same day you're going out of town as if it was some random thing. There was nothing random about their hooking up. They planned it once she found out you were going out of town that day.
Author Zzyxx Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 (edited) Yikes, ok, this does sound as bad as I imagined it. Yes, I concede that I guess this is a pretty big red flag, but maybe I should have clarified some context as to why I'd even consider giving her another shot. - She told me about the penpal before she even knew I was going out of town, so I know she didn't purposefully plan for me to be away, and I honestly believe she didn't intend to do this, it just happened, not that that makes it better, but based on the timeline I know it wasn't planned for when I'd be gone. - Where I'm concerned/red flag city and where I totally agree with everyone, is she did lead me to believe that she wanted to be exclusive to a point, but it wasn't so much because we had decided that we wanted to be in a relationship or things were going anywhere, it was more because we'd both met on Tinder and after sex one day I told her that I'd had a one night stand with a woman I met at a club the day before I'd met her for our first date. So THAT prompted a discussion that she didn't really want me to hooking up with every single person on Tinder for health reasons and that she wouldn't feel comfortable dating someone with like 10 different people on the side at that point, but we agreed we weren't in a relationship or official. So that's more where the exclusivity came in at the time. - Yeah, I definitely agree that maybe I should have shown better boundries by just kicking her to the curb, but I made it clear I was super pissed and refused to see or talk to her for a few days, told her she needed to get her s*&* together and that yeah, she should just go with the other chick cause I had no time or desire for games (even though yeah, we weren't technically together or in a relationship). This resulted in her basically vehemently apologizing, owning up to everything she did, and spent a good chunk of time trying to make it up to me and eventually asking ME to be her gf while again always owning up to and apologizing for what happened. I do have healthy self esteem, I know WHY she picked me, I guess just knowing that she had so many other options, and we weren't even serious yet, I don't get why she'd bother if she was just going to screw around, unless she's just a sociopathic player, which very well could be, you never really know someone. But she did come clean about it, knowing that I could kick her butt to the curb, and not having to, as I never would have found out about it. So I guess I'll just keep my eyes wide open and take things really slow.... Edited March 9, 2016 by Zzyxx Typo
smackie9 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 if she did it once she will do it again. You already proved to her just by stickin around that she may just get away with it again which makes you a push over. That's a big red flag.
Author Zzyxx Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 if she did it once she will do it again. You already proved to her just by stickin around that she may just get away with it again which makes you a push over. That's a big red flag. I agree, maybe I am being a push over, but she does definitely know that she won't get away with anything again. She's already used up her last chance to be shady, if anything else happens I'm out, and she knows it.
VeveCakes Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Can you clarify your post a bit - are you all women? It's hard to say. Sounds like she didn't want you getting any but she felt free to. 1
Author Zzyxx Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Can you clarify your post a bit - are you all women? It's hard to say. Sounds like she didn't want you getting any but she felt free to. Ah yes, we're all women. And actually at the time the opposite was kind of true. I clarified a bit more in a post further up.
Gaeta Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I am agreeing with everything the others have said and would like to add I hate the fact she told you. What purpose did that serve but to hurt you. It was in the name of being transparent with you? nah, I don't believe it. She told you to brag. That's what manipulative people do. It's a false way of making you feel special.
Author Zzyxx Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 I am agreeing with everything the others have said and would like to add I hate the fact she told you. What purpose did that serve but to hurt you. It was in the name of being transparent with you? nah, I don't believe it. She told you to brag. That's what manipulative people do. It's a false way of making you feel special. We had a philosophical conversation where I stressed I'm the kind of person that would always want to know if something like this happened, and she agreed, so maybe it's cause I drove that point home?
angel.eyes Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I have the impression that you just feel lucky to be selected by her. At some level, you seem to feel she is totally out of your league. Perhaps that's why you told her you had a one night stand the night before meeting her? IDK. Was it an attempt to raise your stock in her eyes and say, lots of people find you desirable too? At any rate, you're making tons of excuses for what is just clearly unacceptable behavior. She asked you to be exclusive so that you wouldn't sleep around. She then told you that if she were to change her mind about that she would tell you. Instead of doing so, she waited until after the fact to tell you she slept with her "pen pal." It's completely irrelevant whether she carefully planned it or, as you're trying to rationalize away now, "things just happened." If she has such poor control that she can't be trusted to keep her word or not sleep with any cutie when the mood strikes, is that really someone to invest in emotionally or commit to as a girlfriend? Is such a person relationship material? You're coming across as just grateful to be in her orbit, and willing to settle for any crap as long as it doesn't ultimately change the status quo--i.e. the two of you still dating. Words are meaningless when they aren't backed up by actions. She pushed for exclusivity, then almost immediately proceeded to CHEAT on you early on in the dating process. You proceeded to chastise her about how unacceptable it was to you, then promptly accepted her behavior because she tossed in an offer to become your girlfriend. What does the term girlfriend even mean in a setting like this when you're dealing with a brazenly open cheater? Commitment and exclusivity are nothing more than words given the way you're both behaving. When people show you who they are, believe them...especially early on in dating. Carry on as you choose. But don't complain and get all shocked and upset by more cheating, drama, and the possible STIs that she was so concerned about at the outset. She's being very clear about who she is as a dating partner and what to expect. Similarly, you're showing her just where your actual boundaries (not the ones you claim to have) are! 1
zenguy Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I feel like you aren't properly explaining yourself, like maybe you two were just friends, which is why you are perfectly ok, for some reason, that she just up and slept with someone else. If that's the case, it's forgivable, and you can start your relationship together. If it isn't, then you are deluding yourself. I for one don't believe people are free to sleep around in the beginning stages of a relationship. I know I could never do it.
spriggan2 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I was in a similar situation...Harvard business school chick, corporate superstar. I was completely blindsided by the hint that she was apparently seeing other dudes early on despite her extreme interest in me, and I'm sure she was physical with them. Once we became exclusive she put a stop to all that. However, had she mentioned at some point prior that she didn't want to sleep with me yet or anyone else but then went and banged a penpal, I would have ended it right there. Can't be dealing with that nonsense. I'd have bailed early. From my experience these successful, gorgeous business women are more trouble than they're worth. You really gotta know what you're in for, be relaxed but firm, know your boundaries and enforce them, don't even start getting intimidated by her achievements or wealth or looks, but don't try to one up her either. Don't compete with her or change for her. Have fun, be kind, be careful, keep your options open...and if you can, bang her brains out. I failed miserably because I was a novice but those are the things I learned. 1
elaine567 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I was in a similar situation...Harvard business school chick, corporate superstar. I was completely blindsided by the hint that she was apparently seeing other dudes early on despite her extreme interest in me, and I'm sure she was physical with them. Once we became exclusive she put a stop to all that. However, had she mentioned at some point prior that she didn't want to sleep with me yet or anyone else but then went and banged a penpal, I would have ended it right there. Can't be dealing with that nonsense. I'd have bailed early. People tend to not become corporate superstars by caring about other people. Its a hard fight to the top, with many casualties littered in their wake usually.
upnorth Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 My guess is she is manipulative....and that the pen pal rejected anything beyond one night with her. She told you because there's no chance if it happening again, her self esteem is boosted because you still want her, and she reeled you in by presenting it as she " chose" you. Otherwise, I don't think you would know about it.
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