truth_seeker Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I agree but my daughter very young and has no idea im dating but of course she may sense if im feeling down. So what should I do now about this guy? should I just see if he contacts me? the problem is I know if I don't confront him, I just be looking at my phone all the time for days on end. Do these men know up front you have a child? There are many men who automatically categorize women with a child as nothing more than a hook up. Yes, there are some men who don't care, but I'm just warning you that you have to be aware some men will say anything to get in your pants.
elaine567 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Not all men like a challenge. Challenge can turn into games. I had a woman doing the stalking and I finally cracked as she was hot only for her to disappear, ghost on me. Explain that? When women are more aloof, less approachable, I take it as playing a game and I lose interest. There is a happy medium, too much not good, too little not good. I think some rely on past relationships and experiences to set the tone, where they should actually be trying to gauge the person they are with. Some people need a lot of attention else loose interest, and others need a lot of space else they lose interest. The OP is not showing real attention nor giving space, sounds more like desperation and desperation is never attractive.
truth_seeker Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 There is a happy medium, too much not good, too little not good. I think some rely on past relationships and experiences to set the tone, where they should actually be trying to gauge the person they are with. Some people need a lot of attention else loose interest, and others need a lot of space else they lose interest. The OP is not showing real attention nor giving space, sounds more like desperation and desperation is never attractive. I agree with the medium sentiment. That's why, and I think everyone will agree with me on this, communication is paramount. If a women tells me she prefers phone calls over texting, and I'm very into her, I do phone calls. I'm not one into good morning texts and stupid texts during the day -- sorry, I got things to do -- I tell her this so she doesn't dwell on my silence meaning not interested.
Author Sara1989 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 Well second day of no contact, apart from morning text he responded to on Tuesday. Starting feel bit panic inside my body, still in shock he done this. After coming on so strong, just to disappear like that...we even planned a day trip out next weekend! Not going happen now. Why do men do this, why is it so hard to send a text saying you changed your mind? Keep going through my mind what I did wrong on last date. I'm embarrassed I told my family etc about him, its embarrassing I keep seeing these guys then get rejected. Do I not tell anyone about a man I'm seeing unless it's been 3 months? Thinking about my ex, when I met him I had friends, was at colllege and had a job. My life was full, he chased me and I honestly was aloof with him for months because I was happy with my life, he was an added bonus. I wonder Iif he met me now, would I have scared him off too? I'm going stop dating, again! I applied for university in September so hopefully if I get into that, that be my career sorted and **** that's more important than any man I'm dating. 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 I don't know any guys that like women who act like this. Most men like women who show interest, not act like they don't give a crap about us. IMO, this advice is way off, and the fastest way to make sure I NEXT a girl. In my experience (and I've been around the block a few times) this works better than the alternative. Men are never satisfied, are they? If a girl responds and is approachable and open, she's all-too-often viewed as 'easy'. If she's distant, a little aloof and needs a little leg-work, she's indifferent and cold. Or a lesbian. (That's a common dismissive comment. "She doesn't fancy me, She must be a lesbian.") We ladies can't win. I would ask - what the heck do you guys want then? But the answers would be so diverse as to still leave us totally baffled. Because the answers would in all probability be a mix of all of the above (except one, of course). A little aloof, but still approachable. Open, but cool. Distant buy easy to talk to. A lady but a tramp, too. Even guys don't know what they want. So it's up to us to find a way that works for us, and stick to it. Sooner or later, the right 'fit' will come along. But the harder we, as women, try to fit a mould of what it is guys seek, two things: The more we fail and become frustrated, and the less true we are to ourselves. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 In my experience (and I've been around the block a few times) this works better than the alternative. Men are never satisfied, are they? If a girl responds and is approachable and open, she's all-too-often viewed as 'easy'. If she's distant, a little aloof and needs a little leg-work, she's indifferent and cold. Or a lesbian. (That's a common dismissive comment. "She doesn't fancy me, She must be a lesbian.") We ladies can't win. I would ask - what the heck do you guys want then? But the answers would be so diverse as to still leave us totally baffled. Because the answers would in all probability be a mix of all of the above (except one, of course). A little aloof, but still approachable. Open, but cool. Distant buy easy to talk to. A lady but a tramp, too. Even guys don't know what they want. So it's up to us to find a way that works for us, and stick to it. Sooner or later, the right 'fit' will come along. But the harder we, as women, try to fit a mould of what it is guys seek, two things: The more we fail and become frustrated, and the less true we are to ourselves. Well like I said I agree with you Tara. I think it's just a matter of semantics. In my experience and observation, no one (guy or girl) really likes someone who is unapproachable but I think you are meaning that a girl can't be too accessible. If someone is willing to drop their life and make a big huge space for a guy that gives then a glance, one phone call or a text (exaggerated for emphasis!), it's not very attractive. I think people wonder what sort of life that person actually has. OP said it herself when she referred to her college bf. She was happy with her life at that point and it took a bit for her to make room to let him in, certainly a while to let him ALL the way in. That's basically how it should be. Be nice, be approachable. But immediate, all access to my life, not until you prove you are worthy. When a girl acts like that, it shows the guy that she's worth having and that she doesn't have a empty life that he's going to be required to fill and entertain, etc. OP, you called it: the reason it was easier before is that you liked your life and yourself in it. That will be the key this next time around too. Don't worry you don't have to be at an end point of perfect or with "results" that you think prove something to the guy. You just have to like the life you have and be driven by goals independent of "finding a guy or turning a guy into your bf/husband". It's a mental shift. The person to prove something to is yourself. And can be accomplished pretty quickly. Good luck 1
Author Sara1989 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 In my experience (and I've been around the block a few times) this works better than the alternative. Men are never satisfied, are they? If a girl responds and is approachable and open, she's all-too-often viewed as 'easy'. If she's distant, a little aloof and needs a little leg-work, she's indifferent and cold. Or a lesbian. (That's a common dismissive comment. "She doesn't fancy me, She must be a lesbian.") We ladies can't win. I would ask - what the heck do you guys want then? But the answers would be so diverse as to still leave us totally baffled. Because the answers would in all probability be a mix of all of the above (except one, of course). A little aloof, but still approachable. Open, but cool. Distant buy easy to talk to. A lady but a tramp, too. Even guys don't know what they want. So it's up to us to find a way that works for us, and stick to it. Sooner or later, the right 'fit' will come along. But the harder we, as women, try to fit a mould of what it is guys seek, two things: The more we fail and become frustrated, and the less true we are to ourselves. Oh my this is so true! There was a guy I went on a date with who sent me a text wishing me well as I obviously wasn't interested in seeing him again. I told him I wasn't going make all the effort to initate contact and ask him out again, he replied well it should be equal. You cannot win! I woukd gone out with that guy again actually but he wanted me to make all the effort and felt hurt I didn't.
smudge21 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 In my experience (and I've been around the block a few times) this works better than the alternative. Men are never satisfied, are they? If a girl responds and is approachable and open, she's all-too-often viewed as 'easy'. If she's distant, a little aloof and needs a little leg-work, she's indifferent and cold. Or a lesbian. (That's a common dismissive comment. "She doesn't fancy me, She must be a lesbian.") We ladies can't win. I would ask - what the heck do you guys want then? But the answers would be so diverse as to still leave us totally baffled. Because the answers would in all probability be a mix of all of the above (except one, of course). A little aloof, but still approachable. Open, but cool. Distant buy easy to talk to. A lady but a tramp, too. Even guys don't know what they want. So it's up to us to find a way that works for us, and stick to it. Sooner or later, the right 'fit' will come along. But the harder we, as women, try to fit a mould of what it is guys seek, two things: The more we fail and become frustrated, and the less true we are to ourselves. You could quite easily turn this around too, as often I've been unsure over what a girl actually wants - does she want me to make a move, be more forward, more in control, or does she want me to back off a bit, take it slow. Basically we're talking two totally different sexes trying to come together when often they start off as strangers. Plus when it's in a dating situation, there's always more pressure to come across as perfect so a relationship will blossom, which in turn often leads to over thinking. I personally am one who likes things to develop slowly and sees any quick leap into sex as more of a short term deal, like maybe that's all she was looking for hence why it got there quick. However, the amount of times I've had the signals that she too wanted to take things slow, but then it's ended because I didn't make a move early on. Seriously? I don't think there's a definite answer to this puzzle, we're basically all different and you can never presume it will go one way or the other. Hell, if dating and relationships were easy, we'd all be doing it... ho hum.
elaine567 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 I don't know any guys that like women who act like this. Most men like women who show interest, not act like they don't give a crap about us. IMO, this advice is way off, and the fastest way to make sure I NEXT a girl. I agree, I think there needs to be interest shown on both sides, else it will just die. Playing hard to get or acting uncaring, only really works if you are seriously "hot" or the only game in you town, otherwise you just upset people and they move on to someone else. Of course it has to be a "normal" degree of interest - clingy, obsessive or "too strong" interest is just as much of a turn off. 2
Emilia Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 I think it's about how into eachother you are. I have no interest in playing games and not being available but I don't exchange morning texts and daily calls early on because I don't know the guy yet. It's not about being unavailble, more about not having too much communication too soon. 1
Maxtor Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 You're too keen. You need to be more aloof and less approachable. Men like a challenge. You were all over this guy, contact-wise. he probably thinks you're potential stalking material, now. You need to practice the 'distant' quality.... I dont agree with that statement. Life is too hard to be playing games with people. 1
truth_seeker Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 In my experience (and I've been around the block a few times) this works better than the alternative. Men are never satisfied, are they? If a girl responds and is approachable and open, she's all-too-often viewed as 'easy'. If she's distant, a little aloof and needs a little leg-work, she's indifferent and cold. Or a lesbian. (That's a common dismissive comment. "She doesn't fancy me, She must be a lesbian.") We ladies can't win. I would ask - what the heck do you guys want then? But the answers would be so diverse as to still leave us totally baffled. Because the answers would in all probability be a mix of all of the above (except one, of course). A little aloof, but still approachable. Open, but cool. Distant buy easy to talk to. A lady but a tramp, too. Even guys don't know what they want. So it's up to us to find a way that works for us, and stick to it. Sooner or later, the right 'fit' will come along. But the harder we, as women, try to fit a mould of what it is guys seek, two things: The more we fail and become frustrated, and the less true we are to ourselves. I disagree wholeheartedly. I know what I want - beautiful (not universally, but to me) smart, good-hearted, kind soul, has a boatload of common-sense, loyal, trustworthy, has my back, will stand by my side and is a fighter. I meet her, I'll be forever grateful. 1
LoveRefreshed Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 You're too keen. You need to be more aloof and less approachable. Men like a challenge. You were all over this guy, contact-wise. he probably thinks you're potential stalking material, now. You need to practice the 'distant' quality.... I call bs. How is this not telling her to play games? You like someone, act interested. Don't act aloof. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 I call bs. How is this not telling her to play games? You like someone, act interested. Don't act aloof. Aloof is tantalising. She's already acted interested in every guy who's come along and look where it got her. Acting - or even genuinely being - interested has got her nowhere. Do you have a better idea?
katiegrl Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) I call bs. How is this not telling her to play games? You like someone, act interested. Don't act aloof. I tend to agree with this^^. I have never acted aloof or unapproachable when I am into a guy and dating him. To the contrary, I always act very enthusiastic and responsive to him.... which has always worked very well for me (and him!). To further my point....I have never been ghosted, faded on or even broken up with for that matter. That said, I don't go chasing after guys either. I call him once and then WAIT for him to return the call (or text). But mostly it his him pursuing and me responding. After a few dates when it's clear we are into each other and going to be regularly dating, then it becomes reciprocal. There is a balance. I think it's wrong to play that aloof and unapproachable game. The key is being secure within yourself and having boundaries. Knowing when to come forward and when to pull back. As I said earlier, everyone needs space from time to time. And "freaking out" because a guy doesn't return a text for an hour and a half doesn't solve anything either....to the contrary it will cause a problem because that type of anxiety shows through and is a huge turn off in these early stages. No need to act aloof and approachable but DO learn to contain and manage your anxieties. DO NOT burden the guy with them - your insecurities and anxieties are your problem to fix, not HIS. Mind over matter -- emotionally you're freaking out -- but intellectually you know displaying that will push any man away. This attitude has always always worked very positively for me. Best of luck OP. Edited March 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator typo. poster request. ~6
katiegrl Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Also to the guys who disagree with Tara re a woman acting aloof.... would like to point out that many advice books for men advise the men to do just that -- act aloof. So a bit of a double standard there..... That said, I don't respond positively to men acting aloof ....and so wouldn't expect men to either -- when women act aloof. Just sayin...
LoveRefreshed Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Aloof is tantalising. She's already acted interested in every guy who's come along and look where it got her. Acting - or even genuinely being - interested has got her nowhere. Do you have a better idea? Don't act aloof. You're wasting your time. You act interested and give them a chance. They miss, you move on. They might not be interested or never interested. Move on, find someone else. It's life. That is much better than acting aloof- same result for them, better result for you. In the end, you might have some options.
ashy555 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I know what you're going through. I have been ghosted A MANY many times It freakin sucks. You go crazy trying to figure out why. I have very recently(in the past few weeks) been ghosted after 4 - 5 months of full on dating. I wanted to message him and call him out on it, but at the end of the day you only come across as angry and he will know he got to you. I say its best to try and move on, dignity in tact! If a man wants to see you, he will make the effort. Endless texts will NOT make you feel any better or make him feel bad. I also just deleted him off facebook and felt a little better. It is still early days but if he does message you.. I would just ignore him. They are Aholes
Author Sara1989 Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 What is so desperate about me reaching out to HIM? This is a man who for 5 weeks called me several times a day and texted me, 95% was initated by HIM. He just stopped, yes I freaked but I tried reaching out to HIM as it was so unlike him. Yes I admit I am needy, insecure and put my happiness on a man I'm dating. I need sort those issues out, I get that but our last date did not go well, we hadn't had sex last 2 times we seen each other and maybe he wasn't looking at me in lust anymore. I bet if we had sex he still be around! lol. I am nice and too trusting with these guys, I mirror what they do but it's led me to hurt. Now I'm not going trust any man unless he sticks around for 5 months, I'm going take it slow and won't believe any **** he says to me. I be distance and withold sex till I think he's going stick around. You may think it's game playing but I see it as protecting myself, if they don't like it and ghost! Good! Would happened eventually anyway.
ashy555 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 What is so desperate about me reaching out to HIM? This is a man who for 5 weeks called me several times a day and texted me, 95% was initated by HIM. He just stopped, yes I freaked but I tried reaching out to HIM as it was so unlike him. Yes I admit I am needy, insecure and put my happiness on a man I'm dating. I need sort those issues out, I get that but our last date did not go well, we hadn't had sex last 2 times we seen each other and maybe he wasn't looking at me in lust anymore. I bet if we had sex he still be around! lol. I am nice and too trusting with these guys, I mirror what they do but it's led me to hurt. Now I'm not going trust any man unless he sticks around for 5 months, I'm going take it slow and won't believe any **** he says to me. I be distance and withold sex till I think he's going stick around. You may think it's game playing but I see it as protecting myself, if they don't like it and ghost! Good! Would happened eventually anyway. Usually when a man is that full on. They disappear just as quick. This has happened to me many times. Usually it has to do with a mans low self esteem. They come on strong. They are almost needy and talk about being with you etc etc. Eventually they realise they dived in too quick and it hasnt lived up to what they expected. It has nothing to do with you. Yes it really effects your anxiety. That is why you need to do your best to move on. Delete all the messages. You have called him twice and no response. Dont call him again. He knows you have been trying to contact him. He doesn't have the guts to tell you he is no longer interested, so you don't want to be with him anyway. Take some time off and work on yourself The best revenge you can get is to move on and be happy!!! If he messages you DONT reply. Show him that he cannot treat you like that. That way you get to keep yourself a little more dignified.
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Don't act aloof. You're wasting your time. You act interested and give them a chance. They miss, you move on. They might not be interested or never interested. Move on, find someone else. It's life. That is much better than acting aloof- same result for them, better result for you. In the end, you might have some options. No - I meant do you have a better idea to advise the OP on what to do in her situation? Because she's hitting a blank wall every time. (Mind you, to be fair, I think it's been established that her whole stance is not working for her for many reasons, primarily that it's not so much a great love she's looking for, rather than just someone - ANYONE - with whom she can be in a relationship....So maybe the point is moot....)
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 ..... Yes I admit I am needy, insecure and put my happiness on a man I'm dating. I need sort those issues out, I get that ..... I am nice and too trusting with these guys, I mirror what they do but it's led me to hurt. Guys don't want to date a mirror of themselves, that's another problem... Because when you begin to 'act' like them, you lose who you are. You admit and acknowledge that you need to work on yourself. You can't 'work on yourself' if you're also distracted by looking for someone else. So right now, you need to quit thinking of dating and putting out feelers and trying to meet guys. You need to get yourself sorted before venturing into dating again. Now I'm not going trust any man unless he sticks around for 5 months, I'm going take it slow and won't believe any **** he says to me. I be distance and withold sex till I think he's going stick around.This is what the choices you are making, is creating. A mistrustful, cynical, insecure woman who is already starting on the wrong foot. See why frankly, you're not an ideal date for any guy? You have a young daughter (who is your priority) and in a nutshell, you come across as someone who dislikes men and might use them for her own purposes. You really want to be seen like that? Because that's what I'm reading here - and I would remind you I'm a woman.... You're not coming over too well, 'sistah'.... You may think it's game playing but I see it as protecting myself, if they don't like it and ghost! Good! Would happened eventually anyway. No, you're not protecting yourself. You're acting rather, like the injured dog, who is snapping and snarling at the guy holding the bandage. You're beginning to see men as 'the enemy' and predicting an already negative outcome. You seriously have to quit this behaviour and address your issues, because I have a certain level of sympathy for any guy who might next come knocking.... I'm sorry hun, but all of what you say just spells more bad news and heartbreak. There's a hard way and an easy way. The hard way will take longer, and be more labour-intense for you. But you'll emerge a better person. The easy way is to just lather, rinse and repeat - and end up flat on your face over and over and over again. Does that really sound the better option, to you?
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