Sara1989 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 This is the third time this has happened to me. First guy dated for three months, didn't want an relationship so I ended it. Second guy ghosted me after 2 weeks...third guy been dating him for 6 weeks and looks like I been ghosted AGAIN. He phoned me every day, text every day. The last time we saw each other, I noticed him grow distance and yesterday I had text him in morning which he replied too but no contact for rest day. He always calls me in the evening, no call I text him, no reply so then I phone and get answering machine. Tried ringing on my landline (withheld) to see if he blocked my number, that went answering machine as well. So here I am in the morning, waiting see if he send me a morning text. I have a feeling he wont. I am going call him and confront him over this. I just feel like total **** now and an idiot, I been telling everyone about this guy as he seemed so keen and it was going well. There were coup[le things I didn't like about his personality I admit but another rejection...again. ****ing hurts so bad.What am I doing wrong?
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 You're too keen. You need to be more aloof and less approachable. Men like a challenge. You were all over this guy, contact-wise. he probably thinks you're potential stalking material, now. You need to practice the 'distant' quality.... 4
Author Sara1989 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 You're too keen. You need to be more aloof and less approachable. Men like a challenge. You were all over this guy, contact-wise. he probably thinks you're potential stalking material, now. You need to practice the 'distant' quality.... He is the one who maintained this level of contact from the start. He sometimes phoned me 2/3 times a day. So yes when I see a drop in contact I freak out, as surely that is a bad sign. We had the exclusive talk so he knows I like him
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 He is the one who maintained this level of contact from the start. ...which doesn't mean you have to.... He sometimes phoned me 2/3 times a day. And naturally, you responded every time? Never do that.... So yes when I see a drop in contact I freak out, There's your big mistake. 'freaking out'. That's not love, that's dependency. You don't want to be in love, you want to feel wanted, needed and to be in a relationship. You need to 'care' less.... as surely that is a bad sign. We had the exclusive talk so he knows I like him 'Exclusive' and 'permanent' do not necessarily go together. ETA: Question: are you seriously, seriously deeply in love with this guy? Or are you desperately wanting to be in a relationship? 6
Author Sara1989 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 ...which doesn't mean you have to.... And naturally, you responded every time? Never do that.... There's your big mistake. 'freaking out'. That's not love, that's dependency. You don't want to be in love, you want to feel wanted, needed and to be in a relationship. You need to 'care' less.... 'Exclusive' and 'permanent' do not necessarily go together. ETA: Question: are you seriously, seriously deeply in love with this guy? Or are you desperately wanting to be in a relationship? No I am not in love with this guy but yes I want be in an relationship. I am a single mum and yes I feel quite alone, it also upsets me how I tried dating yet no man seems to want an relationship with me. I took a 6 month break from dating after the last guy ghosted me and now this...
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 No I am not in love with this guy but yes I want be in an relationship. I am a single mum and yes I feel quite alone, it also upsets me how I tried dating yet no man seems to want an relationship with me. I took a 6 month break from dating after the last guy ghosted me and now this... You need to be in love before letting yourself 'freak out'. If you're not in love with the guy, but just want a relationship, you need to ask yourself why that's so important to you. Your child is witnessing a mother who's weak in her emotions, needy, desperate and easily discouraged. Those are not great qualities to pass on if you wish to nurture a confident, self-assured healthily-emotional person. If your child is a boy, he needs to witness the kind of woman whose qualities he would respect and love to date. If your child is a girl - ask yourself, right now: Am I a great role-model to her? Men are not 'all that'. You know this, at first hand. Why be so desperate to have one in your life? Take your time, and be more circumspect about yourself. 5
Author Sara1989 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 I agree but my daughter very young and has no idea im dating but of course she may sense if im feeling down. So what should I do now about this guy? should I just see if he contacts me? the problem is I know if I don't confront him, I just be looking at my phone all the time for days on end.
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I agree but my daughter very young and has no idea im dating but of course she may sense if im feeling down. Of course she will. I well remember my two-year-old daughter, out of the blue, once saying "Why are you sad, mummy?" Even though I had in my mind, given no inkling I was concerned about anything. (It involved a minor dispute with a relative. Nothing huge, all blown over and way gone now, but she still picked up on it!) Kids are extremely perceptive. At a young age, they learn by copying. By observing and following example. Don't be the mum who passes on negative qualities to your daughter. So what should I do now about this guy? Absolutely nothing. If he's fallen off the edge of the world, let him go. Who needs THAT kind of guy around, anyway? should I just see if he contacts me? Sure, why not? In the meantime, take your daughter to the park and enjoy being the best mum she has. the problem is I know if I don't confront him, About what? The fact that he's acted like a jerk? You think that will change him? Please....! Confrontation brings out the bad in him and the worst in you. The best way to confront him is to ignore him. Period. I just be looking at my phone all the time for days on end. Then put a positive-message screensaver on it. Something like - “Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.” – Elizabeth Gilbert 3
smudge21 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Tara's advice is spot on, and it also rings true to how I was with someone recently - despite the fact she initiated contact I can clearly see where I over did things, came on too strong. Also as much as we always want to know why someone walks away from us (I'm right there now), it's often worse to go asking. The fact is, they just did a 180 and walked away, how low can you go. Ghosting has been discussed here many times and it sucks on such a high level. It's like we're stuck in a Christopher Nolan triple bill and spend the next few weeks go "eh?", not knowing what is going on and what it all meant, wanting someone to give us answers. If someone wants to be with us, they will be, it's that simple.. but I know it hurts too. 2
Toodaloo Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Hi ya. Just wanted to add here that there are 2 main mistakes that you are making. 1. You are allowing strangers to control your happiness 2. You are forgetting your priorities in life Let me explain. 1. These guys mean NOTHING until they prove to you that they are worthy of you. That means sticking around, being kind and thoughtful, being with you... they buggared off so quite frankly they mean nothing. Being rejected is normal and far more common than being accepted. For good reason. You are looking for a match that is suitable for you. Not the girl next door or the one behind the counter at Boots. You - the unique individual. You should be in control of your happiness, not them. You should have things that you enjoy and that make you happy. They should not be acting as your entertainment centre or your happiness or worthiness monitor. Its not about them its about YOU. 2. Your priorities. The first is not your child. The first is you. If you are not happy and healthy you are not going to be able to perform well as a mother. I bet being a good Mum is something you really aspire to (and may well be doing) so looking after yourself should be your main priority. Looking after you. Looking after your child and ensuring that you are both happy and healthy. Go to the Zoo, parks, sports, educate yourself and your child, talk to others to broaden your ideas and horizons. Finding some bloke comes WAaaaaaaay down the list. That will come once the rest of your priorities are in place. So now these guys are way down the list and you have all these other things that make you happy and fulfill you being rejected is just one of those things. Yes it hurts, yes you feel glum for a while (trust me I know!) but its just one of those things. Being rejected also saves you from wasting time on the wrong blokes and frees' you up to go find the right one. So its a bonus really. 8
Author Sara1989 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Well like an idiot I called, he did not pick up nor has he phoned me back. That's it. After that all that communication, dates...nothing...not even an text or call to say he not feeling it anymore. I cannot believe I am going through this again. My ex met his girlfriend a month after we are separated, he is so happy while again I am alone, a single mum with no hopes and a limited future. I properly was a bit clingy, insecure with him but because how I got treated in the past, I was afraid of this happening and bam it has. Its easy to say, they did you a favour and they weren't the right ones for you but when it keeps happening, obviously there must be something wrong with ME.
thecrucible Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Don't beat yourself up about it. He isn't worth it. Sometimes the ones that come on quite strong aren't as interested as you think - it's like they get ahead themselves, then suddenly think they're in too deep and quit. Some guys also lay it on strong, not because they're actually feeling things but to get in your head. If you get another guy like this, don't let him bombard you. So if he texts at a really unsuitable hour, don't reply until the next day and say you were sleeping. Don't be available at certain times when you shouldn't be expected to reply (out with company for instance). Also keep in the back of your mind that the frequent contact may not mean as much as you think.
Toodaloo Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 My ex met his girlfriend a month after we are separated, he is so happy while again I am alone, a single mum with no hopes and a limited future. Excuse my language but... What a load of crusty old bollocks. Look at your priorities again. Sod what your ex is doing. You have no idea. All you see is what he wants you to see. He may hate that woman and only be with her because he feels lonely. He may be looking for something else. YOU do not know this. You do not know what is going on in his head and quite frankly WHO CARES? Why is your future limited? What is causing those limitations? You are. It really is that simple. Yes you are a single Mum so how about being proud of that and how about looking at ways in which you can educate yourself and look after yourself rather than just give up. Where is your pluck girl? Its not a mans job to make you "whole" or entertain you or provide for you. You are perfectly capable of doing that yourself and you are perfectly capable of getting out there and making something of yourself. If you want to sit around feeling sorry for yourself that is YOUR problem not your exes and not any new bloke that comes along. None of them are going to change anything unless you get up, decide you want more from life and then get out there and grab it! 4
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 You are your own worst enemy at this point. The men can smell the fear based clinginess & it causes these problems. You need to be more secure in yourself. Until you think you are a good catch, nobody else will. Men who are pushing intimacy so fast & who expect daily contact are not to be trusted. They have no boundaries. This guy called you 2/3 times per day in the beginning? That is insane. Doesn't he work? Post college who has that kind of time? I'd feel smothered if some new guy called me 3 times per week. Work on your own boundaries. Have a life outside of dating. When you are more comfortable in your own skin, the men will stick around. 2
kendahke Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Stop chasing him. Now. No more calls, no more texts. Let him demonstrate his interest by coming to you. Never beg anyone for their friendship, attention or company. 4
kendahke Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 He is the one who maintained this level of contact from the start. He sometimes phoned me 2/3 times a day. So yes when I see a drop in contact I freak out, as surely that is a bad sign. We had the exclusive talk so he knows I like him Then let him continue to chase. Let him continue to be the one who gets in touch. You're freaking out just because one evening, he didn't contact you. I'd be more concerned if this was 5 days without any contact, but it's barely 20 hours. You jumping all over him like an octopus is going to make him stay withdrawn. You need to give him space to handle whatever it was that came up that precluded him from being in the routine to which you've become accustomed. If he knows you like him and you've had a favorable exclusivity talk, then chill. 3
kendahke Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 No I am not in love with this guy but yes I want be in an relationship. I am a single mum and yes I feel quite alone, it also upsets me how I tried dating yet no man seems to want an relationship with me. I took a 6 month break from dating after the last guy ghosted me and now this... Why do you want to be in a relationship? Because you have time apart from your child to invest in someone else's needs and feelings or because you don't want to be alone and you need help raising your child? No man is going to want a relationship with a woman who is desperate to be with him. During that 6 month hiatus, did you do any kind of work on yourself to remove the baggage from past relationships that make you desperate for a new relationship? Being a single mom on its own isn't a detractor; however, if you have no life and are waiting on a man to come into your life to give you one, that is a problem. While it hurts and does suck, not having a boyfriend isn't the end of the world. You have a child to rear that another man's presence isn't necessary nor required. Sort that out first and so that you don't come across as needing a guy in your life to be daddy to your child--because a lot of men balk at that notion. 2
kendahke Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I properly was a bit clingy, insecure with him but because how I got treated in the past, I was afraid of this happening and bam it has. Its easy to say, they did you a favour and they weren't the right ones for you but when it keeps happening, obviously there must be something wrong with ME. If you haven't dealt with the dysfunction of your past and resolved it, then you're going to keep on bringing it to new relationships, expecting the guy to unpack it for you and they're not going to do that. They're going to leave you where they found you--with your baggage laying around your feet for YOU to sort and do the heavy lifting. This is what you need to be focused on--repairing areas of your emotions which lead you into dating situations that do not live up to your expectations. You will keep attracting the same character in different bodies to you to learn this lesson as many times as it takes for you to learn it. How do you learn it? You do work on your self--you get yourself whole instead being content with being fragmented because that serves no one, including you. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 He is the one who maintained this level of contact from the start. He sometimes phoned me 2/3 times a day. So yes when I see a drop in contact I freak out, as surely that is a bad sign. We had the exclusive talk so he knows I like him Tara is right though. Even if he is the one reaching out, if you are always available and "waiting" and accepting his contact, the spark gets lost. My friend is going through this right now because she is online dating. She gets those dumb morning texts and those dumb evening texts of guys saying good morning, etc. which are meaningless. It's just a need for reassurance and trying to build a connection. However, there is NOTHING of substance in any of the texts. Guys just seem like they are desperate for a relationship with her and it's an immediate turnoff. They are basically "right there". Seems like they have nothing going on. They are perfectly nice, good looking guys but being sooo available is not attractive and when the good "tension" and excitement is lost, so eventually is interest. And freaking out even if you think you are able to hide it is going to affect how you interact with him. I hope he calls you but if he doesn't, try being much less accessible with the next one and have your own stuff going on. It's harder to have your self-esteem crushed when you have to "let" someone into your life because it is busy and full rather than you are just wide open and then trying to keep them "in". Does that make sense? I hope you shore up your self-esteem and build your confidence--that is your best weapon to get what you want in dating. Good luck 3
katiegrl Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 He is the one who maintained this level of contact from the start. He sometimes phoned me 2/3 times a day. So yes when I see a drop in contact I freak out, as surely that is a bad sign. We had the exclusive talk so he knows I like him Maybe he just needed a little break. It was one night for heaven's sake. Had you allowed him that without freaking out and texting/calling ad nauseum (what, 4-5 times?)...my guess is would have contacted you next day. As it stands now, he probably sees you as a sort of stage-five clinger, and got turned by *that*. Next time, relax, people (men and women) need a bit of space from time to time. He's allowed a day (or even two) off, without a woman freaking out on him. I realize you are anxious, but no need to burden him with that...by bombarding him with messages. Learn to contain your anxiety...you will fare much better in the dating world. 2
Author Sara1989 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Maybe he just needed a little break. It was one night for heaven's sake. Had you allowed him that without freaking out and texting/calling ad nauseum (what, 4-5 times?)...my guess is would have contacted you next day. As it stands now, he probably sees you as a sort of stage-five clinger, and got turned by *that*. Next time, relax, people (men and women) need a bit of space from time to time. He's allowed a day (or even two) off, without a woman freaking out on him. I realize you are anxious, but no need to burden him with that...by bombarding him with messages. Learn to contain your anxiety...you will fare much better in the dating world. I admit I do get panicked when I notice a change of contact level, I remember a couple weeks ago I had a word with him because he hadn't phoned me. I have showed myself up a couple of times of being insecure if im being honest... I phoned him last night, I left a text message and then this morning I phoned him where he didn't pick up. Since then I left him alone. Thanks for all your advice guys. I admit I am not happy with my personal life and haven't got much going on apart from part time work and my daughter. I think its unlikely he will contact me again but I let you know if he does. I think I need build up my personal life more before I date again or this will keep, keep happening...
smackie9 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Yes the best thing to do is to get active and do productive things to keep you busy, maybe make some new friends along the way. That's the best way to meet someone is through acquaintances and friends. Sorry you are going through a rough time....nothing worse than having your self confidence knocked down. Sometimes hitting rock bottom gives you that push to make positive changes. Best of luck. 2
Toodaloo Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Thanks for all your advice guys. I admit I am not happy with my personal life and haven't got much going on apart from part time work and my daughter. This is what you need to work on. Not relying on silly men who are flakey to make you happy! So what is it YOU want to do? What do YOU want to achieve? YOU can achieve and do anything you want if you set your mind to it! Concentrate on that. Learning new languages, improving your maths or gaining a qualification that you wanted... That is what is important. Your ex getting laid is really nothing to worry about at all. 2
smackie9 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 By all means come here for more support and to bounce ideas off us. We are happy to help you on your journey. 2
truth_seeker Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 You're too keen. You need to be more aloof and less approachable. Men like a challenge. You were all over this guy, contact-wise. he probably thinks you're potential stalking material, now. You need to practice the 'distant' quality.... Not all men like a challenge. Challenge can turn into games. I had a woman doing the stalking and I finally cracked as she was hot only for her to disappear, ghost on me. Explain that? When women are more aloof, less approachable, I take it as playing a game and I lose interest. 3
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