summerkisses Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I need some advice because I might be going crazy. So my boyfriend and I had a great relationship these last couple of months and I felt like he really changed a lot of me. We were doing great until recently. Last month he had to leave town for a family emergency all of a sudden. I was really sad and confused with this and became clingy. We started getting into a lot of arguments when he was there and when he came back. When he came back, everything felt differnt. He was sad about leaving his family and also quit his job to pursue something else. Our last argument, he asked for a break and space to think about the relationship because we were always arguing. I agreed to this break. After that he texted me a couple hours later asking what I was doing and we had a short convo. The next day we barely spoke and then yesterday I texted him asking what is going on. He kept saying he doesn't know or what he wants-which led to more fighting and it got to a point where he said he wants it to be over, he guess. I asked him if he wanted to see other people and just be honest with me and he said no. I got frustrated at he end and Asked if it's officially over and he never responded. I know right now I should be giving him space but it's hard. My mind keeps wondering if he found someone new or he just really needs his space becuase he's overwhelmed with everything going on with his life.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Why did you become sad and confused when he needed to attend to a family emergency? If he was experiencing a stressful event, he likely needed your support. It sounds like he was met with something different. I think he's being honest with you. I wouldn't automatically assume he's met someone else. Sometimes the fighting really does get to people and cause them to re-evaluate the relationship. Give him the space he's requested and nix the relationship talk for a few days to give things a chance to cool off. Re-connect with him next week and see where he is at.
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 You do get that his life is in chaos? He had some family emergency but you weren't supportive. Then he quit his job. Depending on the nature of the family emergency he could be freaking out about his own mortality which is what caused him to quit his job to reevaluate life. Instead of being supportive & understanding, you pressed him for answers he doesn't have, adding to his stress. I seriously doubt he's cheating. He simply wanted an understanding GF, and you were the exact opposite. 3
Author summerkisses Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Yeah these couple of days made me realize I wasn't being as supportive as I should've been. I just can't help but assume the worst when a guy say they need their space because of bad experiences in past relationships with space. They ended up talking to someone else. I also can't help thinking that becuase he allows me to track him on my phone (and vice versa) and the whole day yesterday his location was unavailable and it made me assume the worst. But I mean if he haven't stopped sharing location with me it still means there's a chance it'll work out right? We left off at a really bad place during our last talk and he never responded with if it's officially over so I'm not sure what would be a good time reach out again. -any suggestions!
ExpatInItaly Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Why do you feel the need to track each other? Whose idea was that? I would not like being monitored 24-7. It reeks of control and mistrust, from my perspective. It sounds like the dynamic was already a bit off between you two. When he told you he needed to be with his family, how exactly did you react? Did you express concern for him and his family, or did you freak out? Answering these questions will help us understand his request for space and his current frame of mind. You said other boyfriends have requested space before. If this is a pattern, look for a common thread. Do you tend to be clingy or possessive in relationships? I also find it odd that your assumption is that there is another girl in the picture. Have you been cheated on before? It would help to at least explain your reaction a bit more. Let him come to you now. If you don't respect his request, it will push him away even further. I realize this is hard, but you're in a delicate position. Get in touch with him next week for a talk if you haven't heard anything by then.
Author summerkisses Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 It was his idea for the tracking. I tried to be as supportive as I could but I felt like it was slowly changing when he was gone. I was cheated on in the past when me partner asked for space which is why I get a little crazy. This is the first time he ever asked for space in the relationship
Ellie35 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Do not contact him. Stop tracking him. It's bizarre behaviour from both of you and very unhealthy. Spend the next few days looking at your own behaviour and working out where you want to go in life. Make goals for yourself. Be happy in yourself. Your behaviour suggests you need to learn to be happy on your own. Get some counselling. You are not on a place to be in a relationship and this pattern will continue with men till you address it. You owe it to yourself;)
ExpatInItaly Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Do not contact him. Stop tracking him. It's bizarre behaviour from both of you and very unhealthy. Spend the next few days looking at your own behaviour and working out where you want to go in life. Make goals for yourself. Be happy in yourself. Your behaviour suggests you need to learn to be happy on your own. Get some counselling. You are not on a place to be in a relationship and this pattern will continue with men till you address it. You owe it to yourself;) I have to agree. Why did he want to track you, OP? To me, that sets up a strange parent-child dynamic. Also, I still don't fully understand how you reacted when he told you he needed to be with family. You said you were sad, confused and became clingy. Can you give some specific examples of what you said or did? I do understand how it feels to be cheated on; I've been there too. But you need to be very careful not to import old baggage into new relationships. That's not fair. Are there other reasons you don't trust him, something he has done in the past?
Author summerkisses Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 I'm not sure why. He has trust issues because of his past and he told me I was the first girl he trusted in a long long time. He used to be what people would call a player before me and I can see through out the relationship that he changed his ways for me. But I feel crazy thinking he might be talking to someone else becuase of his past. Should I just wait a couple more days before I approach him? These last two days made me realize I wasn't as supportive as I should've been and I need to be more understanding. Do you guys think there's still a chance since he didn't respond when I said screw it and asked if it's officially over
sandylee1 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Why were you not supportive? Because he may be reassessing if you're the one for him after this. Usually when we love someone we support them in times of crisis. We have 'their back'. If this relationship was serious..... then your lack of support may have given him the answer about whether or not your relationship is worth pursuing. Maybe it's not in your nature to be supportive..I don't know. However, it would give me cause for concern if my other half did this. You've showed him that he can't count on YOU.
Ellie35 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 You don't need to approach him. He requested space and time away from you. It's up to him to approach you. Don't call him and start explaining and apologising for anything. If he wants to be with you , he needs to be free to make that decision without pressure, emotional blackmail and arguments. If you call him and you don't get the answers/result you won't, how will you feel?
ExpatInItaly Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 I'm not sure why. He has trust issues because of his past and he told me I was the first girl he trusted in a long long time. He used to be what people would call a player before me and I can see through out the relationship that he changed his ways for me. But I feel crazy thinking he might be talking to someone else becuase of his past. Should I just wait a couple more days before I approach him? These last two days made me realize I wasn't as supportive as I should've been and I need to be more understanding. Do you guys think there's still a chance since he didn't respond when I said screw it and asked if it's officially over OP, you still have not answered my other question: what did you say or do when he told you he needed to be with family? Please answer this so we can better guess whether or not he's done with this relationship. Until you respond to this question, I can't really help you. I have no idea how much he needed space because I have no idea what your reaction to him was. You need to paint a clearer picture of what actually happened that led to this situation.
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 The tracking thing is odd to me too. If you have so little trust you need a tracker, you don't have a relationship. Just give up. You are right that space in general is usually a kiss of death for a relationship, especially if the reason is unspecified. But if somebody says I just had this family emergency -- somebody died or got diagnosed with a fatal illness -- and now I need some space and time you give it to them. Perhaps hug them, offer comfort & say you will be there. You send flowers or a sympathy card. You help them find a support group. You do not automatically jump to the erroneous conclusion that they must be cheating on you in the wake of this devastating news. In an instance following a family emergency it's not about you or the relationship at all. It's rather egotistical for somebody to think that another's family tragedy is about them.
mightycpa Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) Yeah these couple of days made me realize I wasn't being as supportive as I should've been. I just can't help but assume the worst when a guy say they need their space because of bad experiences in past relationships with space. They ended up talking to someone else. I also can't help thinking that becuase he allows me to track him on my phone (and vice versa) and the whole day yesterday his location was unavailable and it made me assume the worst. But I mean if he haven't stopped sharing location with me it still means there's a chance it'll work out right? We left off at a really bad place during our last talk and he never responded with if it's officially over so I'm not sure what would be a good time reach out again. -any suggestions!Here's a suggestion. See that bolded stuff up there in the quote? That's really ****ed up, and completely unfair of you to punish people for what somebody else did to you. Let me give you an example: I used to know this other girl named summerkisses. We were pretty good friends until she stole my wallet. Now I'm afraid you're going to steal my wallet too. See how ****ed up that is? There is clearly something unresolved with your past disappointments. Look how well your way of coping is working out for you. Not too good. You hounded your guy away, and he thinks you're a little whack because, well... because you are. Work on yourself, you really need it. I just can't help.... Of course you can help it! You should stop dating this guy immediately, and fix that **** before you even think about dating anybody else. That's my suggestion. I hope I wasn't too mean, but I'm shocked you can write those words and not understand how bad that is. Edited March 10, 2016 by mightycpa 1
Author summerkisses Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 You guys are right. I shouldn't have assumed the worst even though I knew how he was in his past relationship with girls. I should've given him the benefit of the doubt. When he left for his family emergency, I tried my very best to be there for him he even said it himself he was grateful and lucky to have me by his side. After he was done dealing with his family emergency, he stayed oversea for another three weeks and started talking to me less and less. He started avoiding my questions when I asked if he was okay or if he needed someone to talk too and they got me worked up and became clingy thinking things were changing. I apologized last night for not being supportive and he responded by saying not to be sorry. I then asked if he wanted to walk away and he said he doesn't know. I told him ill give him his space and then he asked what I was up too. After small talk. I told him I wanted us to work out. He asked If I can give him some Time and I said I am and he sent me okay with a sad face. Im not sure how I'm suppose to feel now. Im trying to give him space but I'm also not sure if he's just leading me on.
d0nnivain Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 If the stuff you described transpired over text that is your other problem. You cannot deal with emotional subjects over text. They need context & voice. Preferably they should be done in person. Going forward save the texting for light subjects. Anything with depth discuss in person if possible, voice is second best but never ever over text.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 You guys are right. I shouldn't have assumed the worst even though I knew how he was in his past relationship with girls. I should've given him the benefit of the doubt. When he left for his family emergency, I tried my very best to be there for him he even said it himself he was grateful and lucky to have me by his side. After he was done dealing with his family emergency, he stayed oversea for another three weeks and started talking to me less and less. He started avoiding my questions when I asked if he was okay or if he needed someone to talk too and they got me worked up and became clingy thinking things were changing. I apologized last night for not being supportive and he responded by saying not to be sorry. I then asked if he wanted to walk away and he said he doesn't know. I told him ill give him his space and then he asked what I was up too. After small talk. I told him I wanted us to work out. He asked If I can give him some Time and I said I am and he sent me okay with a sad face. Im not sure how I'm suppose to feel now. Im trying to give him space but I'm also not sure if he's just leading me on. OP, the problem here is that you're not really giving him space. You're still questioning him about the relationship status, asking him what he wants, etc. That isn't time and space. I know it's not easy, but you really need to let him come to you. Your continued contact right now is not helping matters. As we recommended before, give him a few days. See what next week brings. You don't need to wait around endlessly, of course, but I would strongly urge you to follow our advice and back off. Get busy with your own life. We can't predict the outcome but what you're doing now is likely to bring you a negative result.
RRM321 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 They ended up talking to someone else. It sounds like you two spend an inordinate amount of time texting, tracking, and electronically communicating? You need to stop doing that and spend enough time in your own lives to actually have something meaningful to talk about. If you are trying to occupy every waking moment of his thoughts you will fail. It will drive him away. Mystery is what makes life interesting. "Taking a break" doesn't mean lets text in a few hours - it means we stop seeing each other for days, weeks, whatever. Your expressing a neediness (clingy) that produces the very result you are most afraid of.
Author summerkisses Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 Yeah, im going to give him his space and not get in contact with him until he reaches out. I realize reaching out to him last night only made it worst even though I got a response. I think i was just afraid of it ending these last couple of days and did not think rationally. I always had this belief that taking a break it just a break up with training wheels, which made me go crazy. I'm going to give him until next week and if i don't hear back from him then I know where I stand.
ilovemefirst Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 Work on you. You are coming on too strong, and sometmes you have to let go, in order for them to comeback. He can sense your feeling needy and i understand how u feel, but it can be overbearing. Giving space is very important, not only giving space, but learning to be happy on your own.
Author summerkisses Posted March 11, 2016 Author Posted March 11, 2016 I know giving space is important. But part of me feels like i'm going to lose him which makes me go into panic mode. I know i need to work on that. I'm trying my best right now to not text him. But i also don't want to foolishly wait around if he's only leading me on.
d0nnivain Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I'm trying my best right now to not text him. UGH!!!!! [bangs head on key board] What part of texting is KILLING YOUR RELATIONSHIP did you not get? Stay off your keyboard. If its important you have to talk, preferably in person. Save texting for info that is shorter then a tweet.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 11, 2016 Posted March 11, 2016 I know giving space is important. But part of me feels like i'm going to lose him which makes me go into panic mode. I know i need to work on that. I'm trying my best right now to not text him. But i also don't want to foolishly wait around if he's only leading me on. OP, how long have you been together? Of course we feel anxious and sad when we think the relationship might end. But you need to find another way to harness and then channel that fear. What are your hobbies and interests?
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