sweetjess1951 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I met this guy named "John" through Tinder. Typically I take Tinder for what it is, and rarely reach out to any guys I match up with, but John was different (for whatever reason). He was supposed to meet up with my friends and me 2 Sundays ago, but ended up going elsewhere with his friends and I wasn't going to migrate with mine. No biggie. We made plans to grab a drink before my softball game last Wednesday. Per the usual, as I was getting closer to our meeting time, I started REALLY not wanting to go. I've never really had good experience with Tinder, or guys for that matter. But I gave myself a pep talk and went. And I was REALLY glad that I did. To start, he was 100% my type physically. But the conversation was so easy and we didn't have any issues keeping it going. As it was getting time for me to leave for my game, we both joked about how we both thought about backing out of the date. That's when he told me that he rarely meets up with girls offline, but when he does, he rarely wants to see them again. Then he said that he wanted me to know that he really enjoyed our date and wanted to take me out again, suggesting dinner for the next night. That honestly freaked me out a bit (too soon) but I blew it off that he wanted to see me before he went out of town this past weekend. Regardless, I already had plans. He left for his trip with his friends and I honestly didn't expect to hear from him much. It was the complete opposite. He stayed in touch most of the weekend, sending me texts and snapchats. We agreed on dinner Sunday night when he got back. Dinner was GREAT! The conversation was amazing, once again. We talked about everything. When I asked him what his plans were for the weekend, he said he didn't have any but should ask "what OUR plans were??". So I told him I was going to a big St. Patty's Day brunch on Saturday and he was more than welcome to come. He agreed. We finished up dinner and I offered to take him home (he ubered to the bar). We talked a bit more on the way home. The conversation lead to talk about what we want in the future, so he mentioned that he did eventually want to get married and have children. It wasn't an awkward conversation at all. When we got to his place, I told him we would talk about a plan for getting together sometime this week and apologized (kind of) for being so busy (I'm VERY active with softball). Before he got out of my car, he asked if he could kiss me. Of course I said yes and we had a cute little kiss to cap the night. When I got home, I texted him to thank him again for dinner and said he was really sweet. He replied "pretty easy to be that way with you". I told him again that I was sorry I was so busy and felt bad we could only hang out a few hours before my game on Wednesday. He responded "No worries. I'd rather hang out a few hours than not at all. Plus we have this weekend". Yesterday, he sent me a snapchat pretty early in the afternoon. We chatted a bit here and there, but the conversation ended at 3pm. Again, no big deal. I don't need to stay in touch 24/7. But when I got off work at 6:15, I texted him asking him if he had walked the dog today. Nothing for an hour and a half. So, of course, my natural reaction as a female was that he was on another date. He told me that he thinks its rude to be on his phone while on a date so I'm thinking "Of course he's not answering me. He's probably with another girl". Then, after an hour and a half, he responds "Yes. I walk him several times a day. lol". So I text back "I was just going to suggest a walk ". And to that, I got no response. I know we have only been out a couple times, and I don't want to overthink this, but I REALLY like this guy and even though we haven't said we are exclusive, I'm not going out with anyone else. And based on his actions and the things he says, you would think he wouldn't be either. But I've seen him active on Tinder. Regardless, conversation kinda went back to the way it has been, but I can't get last night out of my head. Should I just back off?
ThisisIt606 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 This is a tough one... He came on SUPER strong, to the point of asking what are "our plans" over dinner. Do you know about this guys dating history such as when his last relationship ended and how long it was? PERHAPS it ended fairly recently and he's just yerning for that "togetherness" feeling and reaching that nice comfort level with someone which his why he came on so strong. Again, just speculation. I think you've presented yourself well. You say you like him, and your actions to this point would show that to him. It's GOOD that you are very busy with softball. you have a life and an interesting hobby. He is the one that glad to get " a few hour with you". I think YOU have done everything fine so far. He could have some family, friends, some evet going on which is why it took him awhile to reply. People can't always keep up with the same text frequency. If you suggested that brunch date, I assume that's still on and you will meet him there? See how he acts in person. Don't bring up the dog walking again via text unless he addresses it. If anything, I think you need to find out more about his relationship past and what he's looking for in the immediate. (good you already talked long term though)
Author sweetjess1951 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 This is a tough one... He came on SUPER strong, to the point of asking what are "our plans" over dinner. Do you know about this guys dating history such as when his last relationship ended and how long it was? PERHAPS it ended fairly recently and he's just yerning for that "togetherness" feeling and reaching that nice comfort level with someone which his why he came on so strong. Again, just speculation. I think you've presented yourself well. You say you like him, and your actions to this point would show that to him. It's GOOD that you are very busy with softball. you have a life and an interesting hobby. He is the one that glad to get " a few hour with you". I think YOU have done everything fine so far. He could have some family, friends, some evet going on which is why it took him awhile to reply. People can't always keep up with the same text frequency. If you suggested that brunch date, I assume that's still on and you will meet him there? See how he acts in person. Don't bring up the dog walking again via text unless he addresses it. If anything, I think you need to find out more about his relationship past and what he's looking for in the immediate. (good you already talked long term though) I wonder what a "happy medium" is when it comes to coming on strong. I've always been THAT girl who dates the crummy guys, guys who leave me wondering what's going on, how they felt about me and not really making me a priority at all. I've only dated one guy who I would describe as smothering and coming on strong. If I didn't answer his text right away, I would get bombarded with more. Then he would question how I felt about him. With John, I haven't felt like he has come on strong. I've always said that I wanted a guy who was straight forward and didn't make me question how he felt about me. I also want a guy who makes plans in advance, making me feel like they want to spend time with me. I've dated a number of guys who would ask me the day of to hang out. So John is doing everything I want. Why am I questioning it? I've honestly never felt like he's come on strong, but I naturally feel anxious and guarded since I've been hurt so bad in the past. I think I'd question it more if he wanted to hang out every night or constantly texted me nonstop or laid it on reeeaaaalllll thick. He told me a little bit about his last relationship. It was a 3 year relationship and it ended in October. But he said he was checked out way before then. And as far as I know, brunch is still on. He hasn't said otherwise.
nothingsintheflowerz Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I would back off and let him initiate for now on. 1
clia Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I don't understand...you are worried because it took him an hour and a half to respond to your text? Seriously? I think you are overreacting. Maybe he was still at work, at the gym, driving somewhere, napping, or just didn't have his phone right next to him at that moment to immediately respond. i think an hour and a half is pretty reasonable. 4
Author sweetjess1951 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 I don't understand...you are worried because it took him an hour and a half to respond to your text? Seriously? I think you are overreacting. Maybe he was still at work, at the gym, driving somewhere, napping, or just didn't have his phone right next to him at that moment to immediately respond. i think an hour and a half is pretty reasonable. The not responding for an hour and a half wasn't really a big deal. It was him not responding to, or even acknowledging my text about going for a walk.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Woah, you are wayyyy over invested after 2 dates. I read your whole post and I couldn't even pick on why you made it. 1.5 hour delay? not super enthusiastic response? None of this would even register with me that early on and I am the anxious type. If he is barely responsive for a week or so, then you have a case. 1
Author sweetjess1951 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Wow - so here is a much bigger dilemma. I had some free time at work, so I decided to google John to see if anything came up. The reason I was curious was because he admitted to me that he got a DUI about a year ago and have the breathalyzer device on his car, and that was why he ubered everywhere. I appreciated his honestly (I got a DUI in 2009 as well) and was happy that he was taking the safe route by ubering anywhere he knew he would be drinking, rather than taking the risk. Not that I don't take people for their word, but I've learned that most people don't express their darkest secrets right away. Anyways, I found that he has a criminal record. Most of the charges were for speeding, failing to stop at a stop sign, etc., but there was one time back in 2013 where he was charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest without violence. When I read that, my heart dropped. I dated a guy in the past who had a criminal record and it didn't end very well. He treated me pretty poorly, even from the beginning, but needless to say, I'm a little weary about people with criminal records. The only problem is, he hasn't shown any red flags and has been a complete gentleman. I mean, to ask if it was ok for him to kiss me??? I've never encountered a guy who was more respectful. Would I be completely stupid to continue seeing him?
smackie9 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 You won't know unless you try. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
RJ2000 Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 You've got to keep top of mind that if he's on Tinder and he's a good looking dude, he's probably talking to other women. At one point, I was chatting up eight different women and I'm maybe a 6.5? Speeding and blowing a stop sign are not criminal offenses, BTW - they are civil traffic infractions. "Resisting arrest without violence" and "disorderly conduct" are criminal misdemeanors and are usually totally bogus. They are often otherwise known as "contempt of cop." Most police don't like it when you talk back to them - on go the bracelets. You don't know what happened in his situation - nor do you know whether he was convicted, do you? A law firm intern could get those charges tossed most of the time. Hope I don't come off too harsh but just giving you what I think is the straight dope. Give this guy a chance, be careful, be patient. 1
Author sweetjess1951 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 You've got to keep top of mind that if he's on Tinder and he's a good looking dude, he's probably talking to other women. At one point, I was chatting up eight different women and I'm maybe a 6.5? Speeding and blowing a stop sign are not criminal offenses, BTW - they are civil traffic infractions. "Resisting arrest without violence" and "disorderly conduct" are criminal misdemeanors and are usually totally bogus. They are often otherwise known as "contempt of cop." Most police don't like it when you talk back to them - on go the bracelets. You don't know what happened in his situation - nor do you know whether he was convicted, do you? A law firm intern could get those charges tossed most of the time. Hope I don't come off too harsh but just giving you what I think is the straight dope. Give this guy a chance, be careful, be patient. You are not coming off harsh at all. And I appreciate your feedback. You are right. I don't know the story and I know the justice system doesn't exactly line up with the honor system, most of the time. And I will absolutely give him an opportunity to explain, if that were to ever come up. I'm really not a judgemental person. I mean, I do have a DUI and an aiding and abetting on my record, but I'm certinaly not a criminal. Just made a bad decision driving after drinking when I was 21 (28 now) and my boyfriend at the time was supposed to be my DD, but drove my car drunk, so when he got pulled over for a DUI, I got an aiding and abetting. I think I just have bad memories with the guy I dated in the past who had a lengthy record, and it just scares me.
angel.eyes Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 Well I have a totally different take than many of the posters above. First, I wouldn't make such definitive statements about how great a guy is after two dates. Especially since barely scratching the surface has revealed quite the opposite! Almost anyone can manage a Prince Charming facade on a date or two. Trust the intuition that prompted you to do an internet search and brought you here. Second, know your deal breakers. For me personally, someone with active substance abuse issues is a complete deal breaker. His alcohol usage is clearly impacting his life in a negative way right now, to the point that he can't even hide it on a first date. He can't drive to his date because he has a breathalyzer device in his car! The car won't start if he's drunk! What does that tell you??? You've had a DUI. Do you have a breathalyzer device installed by the state in your car??? Again, what does that tell you? You don't end up with a criminal record just because you were speeding a little bit! At most, you get a ticket and pay a fine. If his driving is so out of control that he's not only getting arrested, but has been criminally convicted more than once, is this really the type of person you want driving you around on a date? Between his alcohol use, driving problems, and criminal record can he manage stable employment and the other features of a responsible adult life? He and his criminal record have warned you about what to expect. No surprises here. Proceed at your own risk.
zenguy Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 While I've never used Tinder, I always had the impression it's a hook up website. There are better OLD websites you can use for relationships.
Author sweetjess1951 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 Well I have a totally different take than many of the posters above. First, I wouldn't make such definitive statements about how great a guy is after two dates. Especially since barely scratching the surface has revealed quite the opposite! Almost anyone can manage a Prince Charming facade on a date or two. Trust the intuition that prompted you to do an internet search and brought you here. Second, know your deal breakers. For me personally, someone with active substance abuse issues is a complete deal breaker. His alcohol usage is clearly impacting his life in a negative way right now, to the point that he can't even hide it on a first date. He can't drive to his date because he has a breathalyzer device in his car! The car won't start if he's drunk! What does that tell you??? You've had a DUI. Do you have a breathalyzer device installed by the state in your car??? Again, what does that tell you? You don't end up with a criminal record just because you were speeding a little bit! At most, you get a ticket and pay a fine. If his driving is so out of control that he's not only getting arrested, but has been criminally convicted more than once, is this really the type of person you want driving you around on a date? Between his alcohol use, driving problems, and criminal record can he manage stable employment and the other features of a responsible adult life? He and his criminal record have warned you about what to expect. No surprises here. Proceed at your own risk. Ok, while I appreciate your input, I think your response is a bit extreme. All it takes is one time for you to get pulled over to get a DUI. ONE time. It's not like you repeat the offense over and over and THEN get in trouble. DUIs are quite common and in the state we live in, if you get a DUI once, and blow a certain amount, you automatically get the device in your car for a year. Secondly, he has his license. He just chooses to be responsible and uber where he knows he is going to be drinking and not even take a chance. Does he not get credit for that? I think that's pretty responsible, given how many people get DUIs over and over. Can I ask how he revealed the opposite of being a good guy on the first date? He's been nothing but a gentleman to me. He's been attentive, caring, funny, a great listener and so on. I've been with my fair share of really awful guys and he has yet to display any of the same characteristics. Even tonight, we spent some time together before my softball game. The whole time I kept thinking "there is no way this guy is a criminal". He just seemed so genuine. And he may show that later on. But I just don't see it now. I don't judge people. I'm guarded, but I wouldn't want someone to judge me because I made a mistake and got a DUI
xcupid Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 You're very invested in this guy already and you know virtually nothing about him. Just because he's a gentleman in the beginning doesn't mean he's that way all the time. Time will tell. In the meantime, listen to your intuition and let things progress normally. His true colors - whatever they may be - will be revealed in time.
angel.eyes Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Ok, while I appreciate your input, I think your response is a bit extreme. All it takes is one time for you to get pulled over to get a DUI. If it were one DUI, we would not be here discussing this. It's the whole picture so early on in the process, which you keep minimizing away as "just a DUI." Again, you have a DUI. Do you have a breathalyzer device installed by the state in your car and a string of criminal convictions? Per your argument, your state is so incredibly strict that they hand these out willy nilly. The vast majority of the adult population drinks. Do they all have DUI convictions, breathalyzer devices in their cars, and criminal convictions? Secondly, he has his license. I didn't suggest that he did or didn't, but now that you raise the issue and insist that he has one, how do you know this for a fact? He's been nothing but a gentleman to me. He's been attentive, caring, funny, a great listener and so on. It's been two brief dates! What guy isn't all these things and much, much more on early dates?!? This guy's best foot forward is Uber because of a breathalyzer-rigged car and a string of criminal convictions. I've been with my fair share of really awful guys and he has yet to display any of the same characteristics. Well, I haven't. But I'm sensing we choose guys very differently. If you want a different dating experience, perhaps revisit your criteria, choices and standards. Think about it. Did all those awful guys in your past, treat you terribly from the first moment you interacted? Even tonight, we spent some time together before my softball game. The whole time I kept thinking "there is no way this guy is a criminal". He just seemed so genuine. The same was said of Ted Bundy, who was very charismatic and charming. Scratch the surface. That's when you figure out who is solid gold vs. gold-plated lead. You know almost nothing about this guy, and the details you do actually have are negative. I don't judge people. I'm guarded, but I wouldn't want someone to judge me because I made a mistake and got a DUI Well, I most certainly judge guys I might date. I have standards and expectations that they must meet. Isn't that the point of dating? To judge if someone is right for you? To separate inappropriate guys from keepers? To determine who has genuine potential, and who might be bad news? I'm not guarded. I don't have to be because I have deal breakers, and I screen rigorously. I pay attention to red flags and I follow my inituition. Rather than a dating history with "awful" guys, I've had some truly amazing experiences. Not a bad guy in the bunch. 1
RJ2000 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 Angel Eyes, I definitely think you're being somewhat extreme. OP needs to be careful as with any new relationship/dating situation but consider these counterpoints: - People from all walks of life get DUIs. Lord knows the police could pull over most people driving away from any bar at last call on any night and find they're over the limit. Let's be real. Most of us who drink have driven when over the technical limit. Not to minimize the seriousness of a DUI but come on, now. - "This guy's best foot forward is Uber because of a breathalyzer-rigged car and a string of criminal convictions." Then you compared him to notorious serial killer Ted Bundy. I would venture forth that you're a bit over the top here. Characterizing this guy's record as a "string of criminal convictions" is also without evidential foundation. One DUI, a likely bogus "contempt of cop" charge for which, unless I'm missing something, you have no evidence he was actually "convicted" of... OK. The traffic stuff, again, is civil infractions. It's not criminal! I'd hate to consider myself a "criminal" because of the tickets I've gotten... Now, on the flip side: - Could he be lying about having a valid license at all? Most definitely. Something to watch for. - I'd avoid any dates involving alcohol for a while. Hit a museum, take a hike, go to the zoo, whatever. See what's up with him then. See if he directs things toward going to get a drink or drinks. - To his credit, he was up front about the DUI. I think that's a plus on his side of the ledger. He could have been shady and kept Ubering all the time while you went out. He didn't.
Author sweetjess1951 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 If it were one DUI, we would not be here discussing this. It's the whole picture so early on in the process, which you keep minimizing away as "just a DUI." Again, you have a DUI. Do you have a breathalyzer device installed by the state in your car and a string of criminal convictions? Per your argument, your state is so incredibly strict that they hand these out willy nilly. The vast majority of the adult population drinks. Do they all have DUI convictions, breathalyzer devices in their cars, and criminal convictions? Look, I very well could have had a breathalyzer in my car when I got my DUI. Our state law says that if you blow a .15 or higher, you automatically get one in your car. I blew a .14 and he blew a .16. Not a huge difference there. Its not like he had a string of DUIs and the state decided it was time to put a breathalyzer in his car. I didn't suggest that he did or didn't, but now that you raise the issue and insist that he has one, how do you know this for a fact? For a fact? No. But typically when you search someone's public records online, you can typically find if their license was revoked. It's been two brief dates! What guy isn't all these things and much, much more on early dates?!? This guy's best foot forward is Uber because of a breathalyzer-rigged car and a string of criminal convictions. Well, I haven't. But I'm sensing we choose guys very differently. If you want a different dating experience, perhaps revisit your criteria, choices and standards. Think about it. Did all those awful guys in your past, treat you terribly from the first moment you interacted? Actually, yes, the previous guy I dated with a criminal record displayed characteristics from the very beginning that were HUGE red flags. He came on too strong, talked about marrying me, had a dead end job and couldn't get a better one due to his criminal history. He was very confrontational and get into fights. And I know its only been 3 dates. But I keep looking for the red flags and being extremely cautious, but I have yet to see anything yet. The same was said of Ted Bundy, who was very charismatic and charming. Scratch the surface. That's when you figure out who is solid gold vs. gold-plated lead. You know almost nothing about this guy, and the details you do actually have are negative. Ok, this is EXTREME. You're comparing Ted Bundy to a guy with some speeding tickets, one resisting arrest without violence and a DUI? And lets be real - ANYONE could be a serial killer. Having a few charges and/or convictions on your record doesn't make you any more of a criminal than someone who has a clean record their whole life and then snaps.
Author sweetjess1951 Posted March 10, 2016 Author Posted March 10, 2016 Angel Eyes, I definitely think you're being somewhat extreme. OP needs to be careful as with any new relationship/dating situation but consider these counterpoints: - People from all walks of life get DUIs. Lord knows the police could pull over most people driving away from any bar at last call on any night and find they're over the limit. Let's be real. Most of us who drink have driven when over the technical limit. Not to minimize the seriousness of a DUI but come on, now. - "This guy's best foot forward is Uber because of a breathalyzer-rigged car and a string of criminal convictions." Then you compared him to notorious serial killer Ted Bundy. I would venture forth that you're a bit over the top here. Characterizing this guy's record as a "string of criminal convictions" is also without evidential foundation. One DUI, a likely bogus "contempt of cop" charge for which, unless I'm missing something, you have no evidence he was actually "convicted" of... OK. The traffic stuff, again, is civil infractions. It's not criminal! I'd hate to consider myself a "criminal" because of the tickets I've gotten... Now, on the flip side: - Could he be lying about having a valid license at all? Most definitely. Something to watch for. - I'd avoid any dates involving alcohol for a while. Hit a museum, take a hike, go to the zoo, whatever. See what's up with him then. See if he directs things toward going to get a drink or drinks. - To his credit, he was up front about the DUI. I think that's a plus on his side of the ledger. He could have been shady and kept Ubering all the time while you went out. He didn't. I understand what you're saying and the flip side of each. I do commend him for being honest about the DUI. Honestly is a big deal to me, and he could have lied. I mean, if he would have told me he just wanted to uber because we were drinking, I would have believed him. I usually uber on the weekends when my friends and I are going out. I am so down with doing an alcohol free activity. In fact, we talked about finding a basketball court to shoot around. The 1st and 3rd date just ended up being us meeting for a drink because I had a limited amount of time between getting off of work and going to play softball.
elaine567 Posted March 10, 2016 Posted March 10, 2016 I've always been THAT girl who dates the crummy guys I guess it is because you ignore the red flags waving in your direction, you want to believe they are great guys or you need to save them, or you see their indiscretions as no big deal. So here you are again... Great guy - DUI and criminal record, but here you are minimising his actions and defending him for all your worth. He may indeed be a great guy, but usually common things are common, so most would walk away here.
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