RJ2000 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Hello everyone, Great forum. So here's my situation. Divorced, have been doing online dating (as well as meeting women in real life) for a while after taking a long break post-divorce.) Have had a lot of fun, some short-term fun relationships, also some very strange situations... Overall it's been dissatisfying because it's so easy-come, easy go. Anyway I recently met a woman in real life that is the first one to really interest me and get me thinking, "this is the start of something good." She's stunning, kind, hilarious, smart, fun. I mean she is amazing and there seems to be great compatibility. However... due to various matters in her personal life, she has not dated much at all in recent years. We've been on two dates, about a week apart. Both awesome - best ones I've EVER been on and no, there was no sex and that's fine. We made out both times, during and at the end of the nights, and it was great. I'll wait for her. Despite the fact we get along great I have definitely gotten the sense she wants to take things verrrry slow. She's very busy at her job, as am I. Most importantly: She doesn't need a man - she's independent and has been taking care of herself for years. She's used to it. None of that did she say explicitly. It's just my read and analysis. Where I'm stuck is that I really want to see her more, so in sort of reverse strategy have been giving her space. Haven't texted her since the last date a few days ago (nor has she texted me). Not sure when I'll see her again as I am going away on a business trip for a while. When I asked her at the end of second date what her schedule was like, she was a little vague and noncommittal but I'm not too worried about that, she had just came at me when we made out. Again, I didn't pressure her for a day/time, just said "OK no problem, I'll be in touch." It's so funny, with most of the other women I dated recently I felt no jitters about what to do - all came naturally. But with her I have some -- I guess it's because I actually care what happens. Questions for the forum: 1. Do I have the right read on her/the situation? 2. How best to move forward? 1
d0nnivain Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I think you are reading things correctly & space is your best bet. You move forward slowly. You keep up the pace you are on . . .date once a week. In a few months you try to expand that to two dates per week. Throw a date & time out at her to get on her calendar. 1
AnnaGem Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 I think you are reading things correctly & space is your best bet. You move forward slowly. You keep up the pace you are on . . .date once a week. In a few months you try to expand that to two dates per week. Throw a date & time out at her to get on her calendar. I second this. Gosh, I wish more men were able to appreciate an independent woman and understand the importance of taking it slow with her. Kudos to you OP! 1
Author RJ2000 Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 Thanks for the replies, guys. So, I did text her last night, just asked how her week was going and some other pleasantries. She replied in kind. I kept it brief though. For me the key will be to finding the right balance of contact and interaction... Don't want to do too little. But the thing is, while there hasn't been a lot of between-date contact, when we've been together in person, the connection seems so very strong. We will see what happens. 1
AnnaGem Posted March 9, 2016 Posted March 9, 2016 It's a tough balance, but I think you're on the right track. Hopefully she'll appreciate that and meet you in the middle as the connection builds. Definitely try and get another date on the calendar soon though! Even if it's for after your trip. Too much text bantering without ever making plans can get old quickly. But you seem like a smart guy and probably already know that 1
Author RJ2000 Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 OK hi all, here's a little update on what has happened since my original post. In short, not a heck of a lot. I didn't bother trying to make plans for the weekend after our second date since she had already indicated she wasn't going to be around. But toward the end of the weekend, it was a nice day, so I texted her and asked if she wanted to go grab a coffee or something. She begged off, saying she had already been out and was in for the day. So I said OK no problem. I had to go on a business trip the next day. I told her I'd love to see her again when I got back and she said to get ahold of her when I returned. Sounds positive enough. So I did, but again, she said she was busy all weekend with various things. She gave specifics and they sounded legit enough. Still, at this point I'm like OK... time to cut bait I think. But still, I said, OK no problem. Want me to text you next week? She says sure. So we've got mixed signals here. I've not contacted her as of yet and am not sure I will, this week anyway. Any feedback is welcome! 1
GenuineAttraction Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 You've put the ball in her court twice. She didn't respond in such a way as to make a definite date. She's not that interested anymore. Look at her actions and not what she says. Sounds like you were a bit wishy washy in texting her by not setting a definite date when you did text. The texting went nowhere with the asking how she was doing. Also, if she's that confident and independent don't ask for a date while in the date. Wait a couple days then set it up for a week later. Let her know your interest through action and only minimally through words. Trust me she knows. At this point don't contact her again. The ball is in her court, you've hit it over the net. If you hear from her immediately set a definite date, if you don't, then you know where you stand. Think about other things. You did very well I would say. 1
Gaeta Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 She begged off, saying she had already been out and was in for the day. How completely disinterested she must be to give you such answer. Mixed signals always = not interested enough to give a heck. About the strong woman not needing anyone that's your signal she is not interested in YOU. We all need someone, she doesn't need YOU. Before meeting my boyfriend I was single 12 years! I sure didn't need anyone, but I WANTED someone, so when I met an interesting man I never gave him the 'don't need anyone' attitude. Time to move to Next ! 2
Author RJ2000 Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 Don't sugarcoat it, Gaeta. Tell me how you really feel. I can see maybe why you were single 12 years? Oh, that was a cheap shot. She's never given me a "don't need anyone" attitude. It's just been my read. But obviously, she's not banging down my door to hang out again - that much I certainly can see. I'm on the fence about one more try. We'll see. 1
Satu Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I think I would give it one more shot, but I'd make it a definite invitation, rather than something tentative.
Gaeta Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Don't sugarcoat it, Gaeta. Tell me how you really feel. I can see maybe why you were single 12 years? Oh, that was a cheap shot. She's never given me a "don't need anyone" attitude. It's just been my read. But obviously, she's not banging down my door to hang out again - that much I certainly can see. I'm on the fence about one more try. We'll see. That's alright, cheap shots are allowed Since I am dating a man that is interested, available, willing, participating, it's like my eyes have opened ! and I finally see the light. Dating is not suppose to be a struggle, a game, a chase, a stressor.It's suppose to be smooth, enjoyable and most of all it's suppose to be mutual. 3
kendahke Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Don't sugarcoat it, Gaeta. Tell me how you really feel. I can see maybe why you were single 12 years? Oh, that was a cheap shot. She's never given me a "don't need anyone" attitude. It's just been my read. But obviously, she's not banging down my door to hang out again - that much I certainly can see. I'm on the fence about one more try. We'll see. Gaeta is making a very good point, though. A woman who is interested will act interested, period. No matter how much money she makes or how long she's been single. This woman is behaving like someone who isn't really interested in you. A woman who wants more with you acts like it; she wants to spend time getting to know you. She's open to making plans to get together. Her responses to you have been basically "meh". So, your best bet is to cut bait and drop the line in somewhere else. There is no need to play "I won't call her" games with someone who is not acting interested. Just stop investing time and energy in that direction. 5
Miss Peach Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Gaeta is making a very good point, though. A woman who is interested will act interested, period. No matter how much money she makes or how long she's been single. This woman is behaving like someone who isn't really interested in you. A woman who wants more with you acts like it; she wants to spend time getting to know you. She's open to making plans to get together. Her responses to you have been basically "meh". So, your best bet is to cut bait and drop the line in somewhere else. There is no need to play "I won't call her" games with someone who is not acting interested. Just stop investing time and energy in that direction. I agree with this. BF and I actually have talked about this quite a bit since he ran into your situation before many times. He also had trouble reading me in the beginning. I'm actually very reserved and stoic when I meet people. I also don't believe in chasing men. So I know I've lost a few dates from this. The difference is I will tie down a date, I don't cancel, etc. I make it clear I am reserving time for that person and want to see them. She isn't doing that for you which is why I think you're wasting your time if you keep talking to her.
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