Ryderr Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 (edited) Over the weekend I hurt my girlfriend emotionally due to my insecurity/trust issues and she has been very upset, she's slowly starting to message me but is very up and down at this point. And she isn't sure about our relationship. I'll write out the conversation we had 2 days after. (I tried meeting up with her to discuss things but she wouldn't do it, this followed) Me: Would you like to break this off? Her: Are you really asking this over text? Me: i want to in person, but i feel as if that is what you want and I don't want to hold you back from been happy Her: I need a bit more time to think and be on my own this week. If I knew I wanted to end things now I would've done it. But I'm very up and down after last weekend. I don't think I'm giving enough time to my family either so I want to be home more Me: Okay I understand Her: You just need to be patient babe and focus on yourself too. I still love you And a bit later that night: Her: Ughhhh I'm literally stuck in the middle Of what I want With you and I Me: I'm not going to make that decision for you, you need to think about it logically. If you believe I can work on/fix my issues then it will work but if you have no belief then it wont Her: I don't know if I've had enough or not. I love going out and partying and socialising and I would love to be with someone who enjoys the same. I believe the social aspect of a relationship is very important I need some evidence in the near future you're better Me: well, im willing to do whatever it takes to learn Her: If you really are then let's give things another shot. Me: I am! (I'm getting therapy, etc so I really am) Her: Sigggghhhhh. I don't know what to sayYou crossed the line last weekend dylan. But I'll support you But later that night it changed a bit: Me: So about before, a little confused. Are we giving this another shot? Her: yeah but at the same time, last weekend put me off a lot so well just see how we go, because im still very unsure at this stage. Me: I want you in my life, if thats what you're looking for Her: Ah god I dont know what to say though Me: I know I make a lot of mistakes, but I'll stick by you through rough Her: Yeah I don't know Me; That's okay Her: I'm sorry im not been very talkative or blank, but i literally don't know what to say. I want you to look after yourself more. I told you, I still love you. After that she sent a photo of herself and said "I love you" then we had a fun conversation about food and said goodnight to each other. What are your thoughts? She's very up and down in how she responds to me. What should I do at this point? Edited March 8, 2016 by Ryderr 1
GemmaUK Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 What have you been acting like to get her so at the end of her rope? Last weekend was the worst but whatever it is that s bugging her it sounds like you have acted that to an extent before (possibly several times) and she has talked to you about it before. 1
Jejangles Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 I don't think there is a problem from her side on whether you want her, love her, would like to stay with her etc... If anything the issue is whether you can give her space, allow her to still live her life and not overwhelm her with your anxiety and neediness. I understand her because I am a lot like her. I love "love" and being with someone but I also start to get uncomfortable if I feel crowded or like they are taking away too much of my independence. So in my opinion you need to pull back and give her space. Be friendly and open but allow her to initiate some texts and getting together. Show her you are fine with her having a life outside of you. Don't be cold or play games, just allow her to take the lead for a little while. You upset her by being "needY". So pull way back on that! In the meantime, focus more on yourself and your behaviour. You are getting counselling, which is great. But maybe you and your girlfriend are just incompatible. Does she need a lot more alone and going out time than you? Would you rather stay in just the two of you? Does she have behaviours that are ramping up your anxiety? There's no guarantee you two will work out, you may just be too different. But right now you just need to give her space and time to figure things out, and you also need to do some reflecting on whether this relationship has legs. 1
Author Ryderr Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 What have you been acting like to get her so at the end of her rope? Last weekend was the worst but whatever it is that s bugging her it sounds like you have acted that to an extent before (possibly several times) and she has talked to you about it before. When I drink too much I get really moody and rude to everyone, I treat my girlfriend with no respect and accuse her of seeing other people. Only when I drink too much, never when i'm sober. I always wake up with regret and what I had just done, it's not me and I hate it. Slight episode have happen before but I never got help for it or did anything, now I'm doing my best to fix this once and for all, even quitting drinking if I have too. After this incident I went to the docotors and got diagnosed with sever depression and I agree to take anti-depressants and go to therapy to solve all my issues including my insecurities. 1
Author Ryderr Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 I don't think there is a problem from her side on whether you want her, love her, would like to stay with her etc... If anything the issue is whether you can give her space, allow her to still live her life and not overwhelm her with your anxiety and neediness. I understand her because I am a lot like her. I love "love" and being with someone but I also start to get uncomfortable if I feel crowded or like they are taking away too much of my independence. So in my opinion you need to pull back and give her space. Be friendly and open but allow her to initiate some texts and getting together. Show her you are fine with her having a life outside of you. Don't be cold or play games, just allow her to take the lead for a little while. You upset her by being "needY". So pull way back on that! In the meantime, focus more on yourself and your behaviour. You are getting counselling, which is great. But maybe you and your girlfriend are just incompatible. Does she need a lot more alone and going out time than you? Would you rather stay in just the two of you? Does she have behaviours that are ramping up your anxiety? There's no guarantee you two will work out, you may just be too different. But right now you just need to give her space and time to figure things out, and you also need to do some reflecting on whether this relationship has legs. She's actually quite introverted like myself and we love spending time alone watching movies and what not, she doesn't go out that much at all. We spent every day together and she loved that she could do that. She was the one that wanted me over all the time and I wouldnt even initiate those texts. I have no problem in going out, I just get nervous because the things I have done. I love to socialise as well. She hasn't done anything to ramp up my anxiety, its me 1
AMJ Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 She's right- you do need to focus on yourself. Good for you for getting help, that's a huge step! I think you need to quit drinking for a while. If for no other reason than you shouldn't drink while taking anti-depressants. I know they explained why when they prescribed it. What do her texts mean? Well she cares about you, but needs to see some improvement in your behavior. That's going to take some serious time for you. Months at the least. 3
Author Ryderr Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 She's right- you do need to focus on yourself. Good for you for getting help, that's a huge step! I think you need to quit drinking for a while. If for no other reason than you shouldn't drink while taking anti-depressants. I know they explained why when they prescribed it. What do her texts mean? Well she cares about you, but needs to see some improvement in your behavior. That's going to take some serious time for you. Months at the least. I'll quite drinking if I need too. I have every intention to work on my behaviour, not for her but for me. I'd put in months of work to get there. I hope she can support me through it. 1
AMJ Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 I'll quite drinking if I need too. I have every intention to work on my behaviour, not for her but for me. I'd put in months of work to get there. I hope she can support me through it. See, you can't count on or even ask her to support you through it. You can hope that she's still there for you on the other side though. This is an issue you gotta fix on your own. If she helps you, you won't get better. If she stays with you, she's enabling you. Are You an Enabler? | Psych Central 2
GR4 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Your behaviour might not have been great but neither has hers to be honest. All this building it up and then coming back down texting is ****ty on her part and I think she is playing with your feelings to impart some revenge. 1
Rumely Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Some people just can't drink. Not because they are alcoholics (may or may not be), but rather because of who they become or what they do when drinking. Sounds like you have other issues and drinking compound these other issues times 10. 3
todreaminblue Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 i feel you should want to get help for you ...and not just for the relationship..maybe she feels that too..she doesnt really trust you at your word it seems so i think that she wants to see you working on you and concentrating on you and in time the relationship will work itself out either way.....deb 1
katiegrl Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Her: I don't know if I've had enough or not. I love going out and partying and socialising and I would love to be with someone who enjoys the same. Maybe it's me, but I don't like the sound of that. Sounds like the only reason why she is considering continuing your RL is to have someone to party and socialize with. Doesn't matter who.... like she said someone. That wouldn't bode well with me at all, if my BF responded that way....it would be NEXT. Wish her well and move on. 1
Jabron1 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Bloody hell, you are very insecure. I would not be dragged into that conversation at all. You are basically begging her to be with you. Her: Ughhhh I'm literally stuck in the middle Of what I want With you and I What a cheek. Nobody puts me on hold like that. My response would've been 'Well tell me when you make up your mind'. Then I would consider myself single. Me: well, im willing to do whatever it takes to learn This is not the way to go through life. 1
Satu Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 *I'll quite drinking if I need too. I have every intention to work on my behaviour, not for her but for me. I'd put in months of work to get there. I hope she can support me through it. *You need to. 2
Redhead14 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 I'll quite drinking if I need too. I have every intention to work on my behaviour, not for her but for me. I'd put in months of work to get there. I hope she can support me through it. I'll quite drinking if I need too. -- When drinking causes disruption any aspect of your life and/or someone else's, it's time to quit. This is not IF you need to quit, there is no IF. Just do it. She is right to step back from this and take some time to observe your efforts toward "working on your issues". Lot's of people give lip service when they are pressured, and when things relax a little, they just go back to their "old ways".
smackie9 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 "I'll quit drinking if I have to..." You are missing the whole point. You do need to quit drinking, and you need to take accountability for the abuse you have put her through. Until then, she will not be able to trust you to not behave in that manner again. That is why she is begging you to focus on yourself, because that is the only way anything to make things work. You are so worried about the relationship and what her texts mean....to her your drinking, and insecurities need to be attended to immediately. She isn't going to be sure until you actually get yourself some real help with that drinking. I doubt very highly that getting over your insecurities will make you a better drunk. That is not how it ever works. 4
katiegrl Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 When I drink too much I get really moody and rude to everyone, I treat my girlfriend with no respect and accuse her of seeing other people. Only when I drink too much, never when i'm sober. I always wake up with regret and what I had just done, it's not me and I hate it. Actually it IS you.... you may be drunk... but it's still you. Maybe even more so because when you're drunk, your guard is down and your true feelings come out. 3
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Maybe it's me, but I don't like the sound of that. Sounds like the only reason why she is considering continuing your RL is to have someone to party and socialize with. Doesn't matter who.... like she said someone. That wouldn't bode well with me at all, if my BF responded that way....it would be NEXT. Wish her well and move on. Funny, I didn't read it that way at all. To me, it just came across as the OP's girlfriend saying that as socialising is an important part of her life, it's a problem for her that she can't share it with him (for fear of what he'll be like, how he'll act, what he'll say). It's normal to want a partner who you can share your interests with, especially very broad ones such as socialising. I have a really close group of friends and spend a lot of my spare time seeing them, more for daytime catch ups over coffee or going out for dinner rather than clubs and drinking these days. With an ex of mine he was never keen on coming along and joining in due to being such a loner, which would make me sad when all of my friends had their partners there and I was there alone despite being in a long term relationship. With my current partner, he's sociable like me and loves my friends, who love him back, which is wonderful. I would feel sad to go back to how things were with my previous partner. 2
Satu Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 *Actually it IS you.... you may be drunk... but it's still you. Maybe even more so because when you're drunk, your guard is down and your true feelings come out. *That was exactly what I thought too. 1
Author Ryderr Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 I now understand it's me that's the problem, I can't blame my attitude on alcohol because if anything that brings out my true self. On the socializing part she didn't mean it as 'literally' anyone else, that's not what she's like. She means that she would like to share those times with me as she has seen it before in a positive light when I didn't act badly. 1
Satu Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 I now understand it's me that's the problem, I can't blame my attitude on alcohol because if anything that brings out my true self. On the socializing part she didn't mean it as 'literally' anyone else, that's not what she's like. She means that she would like to share those times with me as she has seen it before in a positive light when I didn't act badly. Its quite possible to go out and have a great time socialising without drinking alcohol. All but one of my friends like to drink, but I have just as much fun as them.
katiegrl Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Funny, I didn't read it that way at all. To me, it just came across as the OP's girlfriend saying that as socialising is an important part of her life, it's a problem for her that she can't share it with him (for fear of what he'll be like, how he'll act, what he'll say). It's normal to want a partner who you can share your interests with, especially very broad ones such as socialising. I have a really close group of friends and spend a lot of my spare time seeing them, more for daytime catch ups over coffee or going out for dinner rather than clubs and drinking these days. With an ex of mine he was never keen on coming along and joining in due to being such a loner, which would make me sad when all of my friends had their partners there and I was there alone despite being in a long term relationship. With my current partner, he's sociable like me and loves my friends, who love him back, which is wonderful. I would feel sad to go back to how things were with my previous partner. I see your point, but I think I was interpreting her comment in context with everything else she wrote....and put it all together, it just doesn't bode well for me. I don't want to date a man is who is that unsure of me or whether or not he wants to continue RL with me. I value myself more than that....and JMO but I think the OP should value himself more than that too. 1
LostOnes05 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Dude, she's gonna support you. Do your part and you're golden. I won't say stop drinking entirely, but you definitely can't drink on antidepressants...bad idea. Try going out with her and babysitting a beer. That should be fine. Oh and when you get the answer you want/need, be quiet!!! Don't keep asking her about it. It will only remind and annoy her. Keep conversations light and fun, unless she broaches the subject again...but keep working on yourself bro. You can do it!
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