Hiccup in my 1 Year Relationship-Thoughts Wanted!!

[Reegs]

Hi everyone…I haven’t been on the boards in a while because I have been a really good relationship. A recent hiccup has lead me back here though, and I was hoping to get some insight from all of you.

 

I have been dating the greatest girl I have ever met for the past year. We met on March 1st 2015, and we really hit it off. We have very similar families, find the same things funny, have had great chemistry, and it’s been great getting to know each other. As I travel a lot for business, she has come with me and shared a lot of great vacations. By all accounts it’s been a great year.

 

Some background on her and I. She has never been in a relationship before and is 29 years old. She is a cancer survivor and was not prepared to put the time or effort into meeting someone and having something come of it. She had her share of hook-ups and what not, but never pursued a long term relationship, and really ran from the thought of anything that was lasting. I, on other hand, am 32 years old and have had 2 long term relationships, the longest being 3 years back when I was 21. The two relationships I have been a part of ended rather rough, it took me a long time to get over the heartache.

 

The month of March will be a rather large one for us. Obviously it has now been a full year since we have met and dated, she will be coming with me to Ireland, which is my home country to meet my extended family, and we had planned for me to move to her place on April 1st. (We both own our own condo’s, and decided that since I was at her place so often it was a good idea for us to move in together.)

 

This is where I have been confused as of late. Recently there has been a lack of intimacy between the two of us. Both her and I identified the problem a month ago and said that we would address it, but it did not get resolved. From my perspective, the lack of intimacy was driven by her. Last week, after I spent a night sleeping on the couch due to frustration I felt it was time to fully address the issue. I brought it up to her, and she acknowledged and agreed it was an issue. She said that she had no idea why it was happening, but knew that it was being driven from her. She felt horrible that she was making me feel this way, and the last person in the world she wanted to hurt was me. There was lots of tears, and a strong feeling of angst from my side. In that instance I saw my relationship going down a path that my previous failed ones had. Although this was now a totally different scenario…one which I have never experienced before. I told her to take some time to think about it, since I had really just sprung the conversation on her… I had already fully thought out the situation in my head. It was not fair to elicit a response from her immediately.

 

The next day we spoke again, and she said she had been very upset all day. She had not slept the night before, and was constantly thinking about the issue. She did not want to end our relationship, because she could not picture her life without me. She stated that she was under a lot of pressure from the move-in, Ireland and meeting my family, external people asking about marriage, engagements etc….that was stressing her out. (The word engagement, had never been brought up by her or me prior to this discussion!) The pressures of being in a serious relationship were getting to her. She said that in the past when she had felt this feelings of getting close to someone, she would run away. She would shut down internally and not move forward, and this was the cause of her lack of intimacy towards me. She did not want to do this, this time. She wanted to work through the issue.

 

Since that conversation things have gotten a little better. We have been more intimate, and she has continually stated how much she loves me. As I reflected on the situation, it seemed that I was the person responsible for the majority of the pressure in the relationship. I was the person who proposed the trip to Ireland back in October I proposed the move in date of April. The more I thought about it, I thought it was a good idea to propose that we postpone the move in date, and to go at a pace which she is comfortable with. Not that it is taken off the table for the future, simply move it back to a later date. She reluctantly agreed that it was a good idea, and here is where we stand today:

 

-We are still going on the trip to Ireland and she will meet my extended family while there.

-We have postponed the move in date to TBD

-Intimacy has gotten better, but work still needs to be done, and we need to pay more attention to it

-She says she loves me, and wants to move forward positively

 

My only hold back now, is how I feel after all of it. I hate to say I feel very uneasy with the whole thing. I have felt this way before, and it has led to heartbreak…and simply put, I am very scared. From a guy’s perspective the lack of intimacy really has thrown me off and I said that I understood where she is coming from….but I really don’t. I understand people have different triggers that lead to different results, but I would lying if I said I am as confident in our relationship today, as I was 3 weeks ago. I have tried to put myself in her shoes…and relieve any of the stress/pressure from the relationship and in doing so I have backed off quite a bit.

 

I am nervous about my relationship, and have gotten inside my own head about it. I hate where I have allowed myself to get to, and would like to be able to move forward in my own head. Something, though, is triggering me to focus on the negative of the lack of intimacy prior and now not moving in. I am usually one to react to change positively and know the above does not end my relationship….I am just confused by it all. I don’t want to come across as needy, and have totally given her space in the past week. I know people don’t always progress at the same speed….and maybe that is just what I am dealing with now. Any thoughts from the community would be great. Thanks for reading everyone.

[Bee4Shine]

To be honest she has been through a lot and will probably react differently to situations than anyone else. Has she seen a counselor? Do you think it would help her to process her feelings especially since they are coming out of nowhere and surprising her as much as you? If we can seek help and resolve inner issues we can become healthy people with healthy relationships. We all have some brokenness inside and need to seek healing. A step like moving in together without the commitment of marriage is often a big trigger. I hope you and your friend continue to process your struggles together.

[xcupid]

Things might be moving too fast for her and she might be feeling the pressure. Commitment issues (hers) come to mind when I read your story. You've known each other one year and you've decided to live together. Not a good move IMO. Get to know her better and find out the root cause of her pulling away. I hope things work out.

[kendahke]

She has never been in a relationship before and is 29 years old. She is a cancer survivor and was not prepared to put the time or effort into meeting someone and having something come of it. She had her share of hook-ups and what not, but never pursued a long term relationship, and really ran from the thought of anything that was lasting.

 

IMO, this is the problem. And unless she's dealt with it either through a lot of introspection and work on herself or with a professional, she hasn't resolve diddly and it's why her feet are itching to run again. I seriously doubt the man in question would matter--this is an issue with her and her inability to form lasting bonds--for whatever reason. And that reason is what she needs to deal with.

 

I can't understand how a woman at the age of 29 had never been in any kind of relationship. I know I wouldn't be up to be her guinea pig on this.

 

All that said, I'd put some serious brakes on things. Not being in a relationship is what she's used to and people gravitate towards behavior they're used to--and will act out if change is being forced upon them, either externally or internally--and I think it's more internally and she's blaming everything else for it.

[joseb]

Yes. Sounds very much like she has commitment issues and this has come to the fore with thoughts of the "meet the parents" trip and moving in.

Good idea taking moving in off the table.

 

Have you other fun stuff planned in Ireland other than just hanging with the family? I know from both sides of this that that can be a bit stressful for a partner.

 

She probably sees this meet the family as you clearing it with them to propose. More pressure especially if she has commitment issues.

 

I dunno, I don't think it's hopeless. Three weeks ago things were fine? Maybe releasing all this pressure may be enough to get her back on board.

[Satu]

You talk about 'moving forward' quite a bit, and seem to think about the future a lot.

 

I also sense a degree of perfectionism on your part.

 

Why not take the pressure off both of you, by concentrating on the present?

 

Relax.