katielee Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 I have this friend (I've probably posted about her before here) and she is not really well liked. She has a good heart and that is why I kind of like her and get along with her. She was there for me when I went through really tough times. It is her 50th birthday and another friend of hers who works here asked me to help with a party. I said I would and we're meeting tonight to work on it. I found out yesterday that a bunch of gals from one department at work are going to Florida. I'm happy for her and them. But I feel a little insecure that she has now found these new friends. And a little dissed that I'm doing this party for her but I haven't been invited on the trip (but it's just their department). I found out on social media! I wondered why. I really had to think on this. I've actually been trying to distance myself a little, as hubby (and my other close close friends) don't like her. She's uber competitive and isn't always loyal if something or one better comes along. But now I find myself getting antsy because I hate to lose even one friend. It's almost as if I need every single person in my corner that I can get in case the other shoe drops. That I need to be liked by everyone just in case hell breaks loose. That I'm being nicer to everyone and trying to be accommodating rather than my normal quasi-b ! t c h y (not really but...) self, so if something goes wrong, I won't be alone. That if something happens to me and hubby that I won't be thought of poorly. I really don't like this about myself. I wish I could just not give a fack. And hubby and I are doing pretty well. But I just cannot rest in that yet for some reason. Has this happened to anyone else? As I read through this it doesn't seem like it makes sense. (the reason I'm posting here is that I think this has something to do with my insecurity in my relationship with hubby caused by our infidelities)
Marc878 Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 True friends that last are rare. I don't think you're losing much. She on the other hand is. Her loss. Maybe others are seeing what you are not. You're overthinking this. Do your part that you committed to and move on. 2
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 a little dissed that I'm doing this party for her but I haven't been invited on the trip (but it's just their department). Why does this upset you, unless you are in her department? If not, then it's just for their department. If she invited you, then others may want to invite others and then it defeats the purpose of them going as a co worker group going away together. I don't think this is done to upset you or make you feel left out, try looking at this from another angle and you'll see that it's not about you at all. Still plan the party, it's a nice thing to do since she is your friend. 1
whichwayisup Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 I wondered why. I really had to think on this. I've actually been trying to distance myself a little, as hubby (and my other close close friends) don't like her. She's uber competitive and isn't always loyal if something or one better comes along. But now I find myself getting antsy because I hate to lose even one friend. It's almost as if I need every single person in my corner that I can get in case the other shoe drops. That I need to be liked by everyone just in case hell breaks loose. That I'm being nicer to everyone and trying to be accommodating rather than my normal quasi-b ! t c h y (not really but...) self, so if something goes wrong, I won't be alone. That if something happens to me and hubby that I won't be thought of poorly. I really don't like this about myself. I wish I could just not give a fack. And hubby and I are doing pretty well. But I just cannot rest in that yet for some reason. You have your own insecurities and worries which skew your version of what is going on. You're thinking about it too much and looking for problems where they are none. You're creating unnecessary drama in your head.
OneLov Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 I wondered why. I really had to think on this. I've actually been trying to distance myself a little, as hubby (and my other close close friends) don't like her. But now I find myself getting antsy because I hate to lose even one friend. It's almost as if I need every single person in my corner that I can get in case the other shoe drops. That I need to be liked by everyone just in case hell breaks loose. Katielee, Just my two cents: Maybe she has picked up on the fact that you have been trying to distance yourself from her? Perhaps she did not ask you because she is trying to avoid the rejection you are currently experiencing if you were to tell her, no. One thing I learned is rejection cuts both ways. We (most of us) do not want to try if we think there is a good chance we will fail. Why? Because it is easier than dealing with rejection. I think it could be related to your infidelities because that causes rejection on both sides. Wanting to be liked by everyone or please them is a way to control or manage rejection. We try to protect ourselves from the other shoe dropping but our actions often create a barrier (not a filter) that blocks all incoming and outgoing communication. Sometimes we need to accept that the fear of rejection is the only thing we really need to be afraid of. I hope this helps.
Author katielee Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 Katielee, Just my two cents: Maybe she has picked up on the fact that you have been trying to distance yourself from her? Perhaps she did not ask you because she is trying to avoid the rejection you are currently experiencing if you were to tell her, no. One thing I learned is rejection cuts both ways. We (most of us) do not want to try if we think there is a good chance we will fail. Why? Because it is easier than dealing with rejection. I think it could be related to your infidelities because that causes rejection on both sides. Wanting to be liked by everyone or please them is a way to control or manage rejection. We try to protect ourselves from the other shoe dropping but our actions often create a barrier (not a filter) that blocks all incoming and outgoing communication. Sometimes we need to accept that the fear of rejection is the only thing we really need to be afraid of. I hope this helps. thanks. it does. I know I'm overthinking it and creating something that isn't there but it points to me still be insecure about me and hubby... and that part I'd like to fix.
Midwestmissy Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 I'm getting close to 50 & I have culled my friendships a lot - if I feel crappy after an interaction with someone, I stop putting time towards them. You feel lousy because she makes you feel lousy. the Florida trip isn't the issue, it's that she makes you feel off about where you stand with her. Manipulators are very good at this, then blame you for making things up. You don't sound heartbroken, you sound annoyed. If more than a few people you respect don't care for someone, it's a good indication that you're not seeing how others see her. Even the fact that you think you might be "off" due to the infidelity us a way of you blaming yourself. Boy did I know who my friends were after the affair blew up. And I don't miss the ones who made me feel "off". Move on, your instincts are reacting for a reason - just listen to them (like we didn't when we got cheated on).
Author katielee Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 I'm getting close to 50 & I have culled my friendships a lot - if I feel crappy after an interaction with someone, I stop putting time towards them. You feel lousy because she makes you feel lousy. the Florida trip isn't the issue, it's that she makes you feel off about where you stand with her. Manipulators are very good at this, then blame you for making things up. You don't sound heartbroken, you sound annoyed. If more than a few people you respect don't care for someone, it's a good indication that you're not seeing how others see her. Even the fact that you think you might be "off" due to the infidelity us a way of you blaming yourself. Boy did I know who my friends were after the affair blew up. And I don't miss the ones who made me feel "off". Move on, your instincts are reacting for a reason - just listen to them (like we didn't when we got cheated on). This concerns me too. My husband and two closest friends don't like her - well, she annoys them and they've had enough of her. So, I need to pay attention to that. And I need to figure out WHY I put up with what THEY do not. that really concerns me. Thank you for pointing this out.
Midwestmissy Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 She knows you will tolerate her treatment. Period. just move on. I've been in your shoes. The person who cares the least about the relationship has all the power, and you're sensing that she doesn't genuinely care about you, that you have more invested than she. So she's going to Florida while you plan her party. Man, I've been there.
Methodical Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 She isn't really well liked. Now, her department is going on a grp vacation and she has been invited. To her, that's probably a huge ego boost...to be invited/included. Sure, it's a grp dept. thing, but generally when a person isn't well liked, ppl find a way to work around them their inclusion. Going on this trip w/o you isn't personal. Plus, you said she was there for you during a particularly difficult time. I don't see this as her pulling away from you. You were the person who instigated distancing yourself bc your hubs and a couple friends aren't real keen on her. Perhaps in some capacity, you are regretting having pulled away from a person who was there for you bc of their biases, which they are certainly entitled to. Things are fine with your hubs for now, but you have underlying doubt about the viability of this relationship; otherwise, you wouldn't be placing so much emphasis on keeping a huge network of friends to "catch you when you fall." Perhaps you can elaborate more on the insecurity that stems from your relationship with your hubs. (Maybe you have in the past and I don't remember right off hand.)
Author katielee Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 She isn't really well liked. Now, her department is going on a grp vacation and she has been invited. To her, that's probably a huge ego boost...to be invited/included. Sure, it's a grp dept. thing, but generally when a person isn't well liked, ppl find a way to work around them their inclusion. Going on this trip w/o you isn't personal. Plus, you said she was there for you during a particularly difficult time. I don't see this as her pulling away from you. You were the person who instigated distancing yourself bc your hubs and a couple friends aren't real keen on her. Perhaps in some capacity, you are regretting having pulled away from a person who was there for you bc of their biases, which they are certainly entitled to. Things are fine with your hubs for now, but you have underlying doubt about the viability of this relationship; otherwise, you wouldn't be placing so much emphasis on keeping a huge network of friends to "catch you when you fall." Perhaps you can elaborate more on the insecurity that stems from your relationship with your hubs. (Maybe you have in the past and I don't remember right off hand.) I guess I just am not sure about us. I'd like to be. I am certainly 100% committed. But I think I'm stuck by thinking I need someone in my corner, him, and I can't count on that anymore. 1
Author katielee Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 ^Why can't you count on him in your corner? I guess trust isn't there yet. 1
Methodical Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 How long have you been together...dating and married? Has there been issues with infidelity? Threats of divorce? These factors are actually very relevant to your situation.
Author katielee Posted March 8, 2016 Author Posted March 8, 2016 How long have you been together...dating and married? Has there been issues with infidelity? Threats of divorce? These factors are actually very relevant to your situation. oh boy... well.. that is why I'm posting in Infidelity. we've been together 30 years. married 28 yes to infidelity - both sides threats of divorce - plenty early in the infidelity recovery yeah, I know they're relevant.
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Katielee, First....you don't really like this woman by your own admission....and you have distanced yourself from her. She was there for you during a tough time....so you feel obligated to pay her back by helping with her birthday party. That's a very nice gesture on your part. She has made a new group of friends that you are not a part of...they are all going to Florida. (whether they all really like her or not is irrelevant)...Even if you had been invited by this group of women to go to Florida...you would not have gone. So why does it matter? Have your birthday party for her...wish them all a good trip....
Author katielee Posted March 9, 2016 Author Posted March 9, 2016 This blew up more on FB and I'm glad I have said nothing. The party is tomorrow. but some who are going to Florida won't stop posting about their trip and then an apology post came about not including everyone. So, others have said something too, apparently.. ha! The thing is, I think whoever is complaining has a legitimate gripe. They are basically getting a free trip from an outside agency person who is working in their department for a year. No other department is getting this. I expect this to be taken to my boss and who knows what will happen. Will just watch from afar and be glad I'm not involved. I'm glad we're doing the party and that my friend will be surprised and honored. I did my job. I still think she has a good heart and deserves this, even if I'm not a close friend anymore.
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